General Discussion > Accountability and Motivation
Poet's Well-being Journal
Bri MT:
Hey Poet,
If we go with the tangled up string and earphones metaphor, the earphones may get tangled up in your pocket but that doesn't stop them from being great at serenading you with music or other sounds. They might get tangled up again but they also might be folded away neatly or wrapped around some gadget. Unlike string or earphones you can make decisions to influence your state and be tangled less. I know it's hard, really really hard sometimes and sometimes it seems futile but I have seen you go through these cycles before and you have always pulled yourself out. Slipping back down sucks but I absolutely believe that you have been having a general upwards trend and even if you hadn't I would still believe in you & your resilience. That being said, you had - in your own words - "the time of your life" earlier this year and I think that's a nifty piece of evidence for the upwards trend.
I love your resilience, your insight, your kindness, your empathy, your initiative, your wisdom, your creativity, your ability to id birds (ok that might seem out of place in this list but seriously it's great) ... I could keep going but there are too many aspects of you for me to list them all. You might think that your bright light is dampened by the darkness but that's not how these things work. Clouds in the sky don't stop stars from existing even when they block them and make it harder to remember where they are. Similarly, even when you can't see the positives and they are harder to remember they are still there.
The meaning I hold to in my life is doing my best to live by my core values & thus help make the world a better place. I can't tell you what should act as your guide, but I can tell you that although being able to articulate my guide has helped me, it hasn't changed my value or the value of my communities to me - only provided a reference frame for how I perceive things. The point I'm trying to get out here is that it's ok - albeit sometimes scary - to not have a clear idea of why life is worth it and what meaning it holds to you, since that can change perceived value but your true value is undefinable and immutable.
Thank you for sharing and thank you for trying. Love you
Poet:
Hi dearest friends. How are you? I hope you’re loving yourself through the lockdowns and cancellations and stress. Have you had something to eat today? Some water? Stand up, walk around, stretch out your neck and release the tension from your shoulders. It’s all going to be okay. You’re making your way through this week as best you can. Well done. I’m proud of you.
It’s time to come clean about something – I haven’t been doing okay in a long time. And I shouldn’t have stopped writing. It’s one of those things we become complacent about so easily. Over time, I forget this is good for me.
So, yeah. I ended up in hospital for 2 weeks before being transferred to a sort of halfway home. I’m currently in rehab and I’ve been put on new medications and I’m doing alright. While I was in hospital I wasn’t able to go out and run, so I’ve been building my fitness back up for the past week or so. Yesterday I did my first rep session alone which is an improvement, but I also have been finding it difficult to eat and find motivation to do much. My sleep has been improving though and I’m only having nightmares every few nights as opposed to every single night as I was before being admitted.
My health workers are really understanding, lovely people and I’m grateful to end up in such a gentle and supportive environment. I didn’t think the public system would be good, but I’ve been very lucky in ending up in a place that has been right for me.
The whole world is just so crazy at the moment. I feel lost and it’s going to be so much harder now to find a job and progress from here. I don’t want to end up in the same loop again. I don’t want to be broken, but I am, and it’s hard to accept that I can’t work on fixing it as much as I want to right now. But it’s also important to remember that “this too shall pass”, as my great grandmother used to say. The world keeps spinning. The darkness will always break. No matter how black the night, the sun will shine again.
Now, I think it’s important in a recovery sense to remind ourselves of things we are grateful for, no matter how small. So… I’m grateful for having a safe place to be. I’m grateful for strawberries. And I’m grateful for friends.
I think that’s all for now. Maybe I’ll try to keep updating and writing more about my feelings and thoughts again. It’s still a bit like trying to untangle wet spaghetti but it’ll get better. I don’t want to die today. Maybe just sleep for a long, long time. But that’s still an improvement.
w0lfqu33n89:
Never feel like you have to keep updating, if its something you love doing the by all means write away honey! but remember to put yourself first. Don't worry about a job, it will come, the future is in your hands and is all up to you. worry about the now, worry about you. All you should be focusing on is those strawberries, yourself and your mindset, and we are all here to help. Thats a promise.
To join in on the reminding of what we are grateful for. I am grateful for my bed, I am grateful for friends and I am grateful for YOU. I know its all your hearing at the moment but keep your head up. Generally in these times it's hard to find the motivation to do certain things like get out of bed, or go for a walk or eat something, but you won't regret it, I promise. Set small goals. If you wake up and have a shower and all you want to do is go back to bed? that's ok, tell yourself to eat something first even a few grapes! (hehe) even if you make a meal and don't eat it all its ok, but after that then have a nap. Make goals. Little ones are good to start with, each day add a new goal. Today it might be the goal to get out of bed, tomorrow it might be get out of bed and wash some clothes, or wash your hair. Its ok if they are small.
Love you sister. You can do it. <3 :)
Poet:
Hello lovely people <3
--- Quote from: w0lfqu33n89 on April 08, 2020, 02:33:48 pm ---... Make goals. Little ones are good to start with, each day add a new goal. Today it might be the goal to get out of bed, tomorrow it might be get out of bed and wash some clothes, or wash your hair. Its ok if they are small.
Love you sister. You can do it. <3 :)
--- End quote ---
Love you too, sis. I'm doing it. Thanks to you. And others.
I've hit a point where progress is visible to me. That's a big thing. I've taken my time to rest, recover, heal, and find new meaning.
My last entry was written from a one-bedroom, no kitchen apartment on the second story of a house filled with some of the saddest people I'll ever know. Living day to day purely because nurses would feed them. Drugged to oblivion. Listless. I was one of them for a while, and still am sometimes. But now I'm home, and supported, I'm finding comfort in a life I never wanted.
I'm still jobless. It's a setback, but not an impossible barrier. There's more to life than just making a wage, and to be hyper-fixated on the daily 9-5 grind is unreasonable. When the opportunity comes, I'll grasp it in both hands. But for now, my progress is internal and slow and confusing, and a working life isn't sustainable. So instead of getting a job, I've applied to do a Cert. IV in Companion Animal Services. Full time is two days a week of classes and study, so it's a good option for someone like me trying to work themselves out of a foggy depressive mindset. I've already been given an offer and orientation is in 6 days. I made phone calls by myself, went through application tests and made long-term commitments I never would have been able to make even a few months ago.
I've also been taking Pilates classes. Again, something I never would have been able to do. Something enjoyable and worthwhile. It forces me to get out of the house and go somewhere. Keep my anxiety under control. And it's a medical appointment so even in these lockdowns I'm able to go get some exercise and tips on keeping myself in shape.
Just little things; what seems like nothing to a healthy individual. But it's huge for me, and I can safely say now that I'm proud of myself for being here even if it wasn't my plan. And I owe the fact that I still exist to people I met through AN. That's huge.
I'm setting calendar reminders to write my thoughts down when I can. I've got another shot at life because of this site; might as well let it know how I'm doing with it.
Bri MT:
I'm incredibly grateful for each time you made the choice to keep sticking around and I'm so proud of each push you've made towards a better life. Additionally, signing up for a new course and entering a new exercise routine (let alone working on doing the introspection work) is never nothing.
I don't have much to say rn but I hope you can read the meaning and emotion I'm trying to put into this, and thank you for sharing this with us.
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