General Discussion > Accountability and Motivation
Poet's Well-being Journal
Poet:
--- Quote from: Bri MT on July 19, 2020, 09:30:25 pm ---
--- End quote ---
I have to say I didn't really have much of a choice in the matter when I was admitted, but I'm glad now I wasn't given the choice.
Hi.
I promised myself I'd update this if I was feeling a bit down and thought it would help, so here I am again.
I've noticed my mood worsening over the past couple of days and this morning I woke up nauseous and sick of the world's crap. If you've been reading my journal since last year, you'll probably know I struggle with bouts of fatigue, dizziness and sickness along with clinical anxiety and depression. It's very unlikely to be COVID as the symptoms don't align and I've been self-isolating. I've been lucky to see those pop up less regularly for a little while, but today I'm very shaky and kind of yuck. I managed to pull myself out of bed for my physiotherapist's Pilates class but it didn't feel productive (rest in peace the 40 bucks I spent on that session) because I just felt so ill and couldn't focus on the instructions well. It's okay though, I'll be better next week.
I'm really, really scared about starting this course. I know I'll like it but it's been really difficult to shake the constant "what ifs" my brain likes to lob around. What if they forget about you and don't send the class information? What if you get too scared to speak in class? What if they need our cameras on? What if my classmates don't like me? What if I drop out? What if I fail? Around and around. I've been trying to push them out of my head but the only way to get rid of them is to find out, I guess.
I'm glad I rely on drugs to sleep because otherwise I wouldn't be getting a single wink for the next two nights UwU
Uuuuuh what else? I know, we'll put some positives in here.
I've been having some fun Netflix and Stan binges recently after yoinking the login deets to my partner's account huehuehue, just finished S2 of Sex Education and he and I are watching Stranger Things together! I've never seen it so the excitement is real. I'm also back to running twice a week which is a vastly lesser amount than I was, but hopefully it will help me feel a bit less stressed. And my best friend just called, and she's the best. I forget how important it is to keep in touch with the people you love, and how much better the world seems when they're there; even if it's just on a phone screen.
And hey. Even if today the best thing you can think of is being unconscious, tomorrow always holds the promise of something better.
Always.
w0lfqu33n89:
Heyo best-friend :)))), looks like I called you at just the right time <3.
I know im still in high school so not sure if anyone else here can draw on this more, but ive been told @ uni people make friends but its also easy to stick to yourself (if thats what you prefer). Ofc with every new thing there will be the anxious nerves and the fear of the unknown, but see this as a new start, a new focus. Something to invest in that leaves you with benefits for your future.
Creds to getting out of bed and going to pilates today, so proud of ya sis! Even if you felt like you wasted that $40. Guess who still got up and got herself there? YOU! Thats a goal in itself.
Love a Netflix and Stan binge! (100% the reason my grades are slipping!) but definitely recommend Pretty Little Liars (Netflix), Teen wolf (Stan). atm im binging Vampire Diaries and I am acquiring a Damon Salvatore obsession so all the tiki's toks im seeing about him finally make sense!
Good that your running again, dont stress about the amount. Twice a week is still great + pilates, you're doing better than most of us! Keep it up honey, super proud of you :) I always am.
Poet:
I’ve made a few attempts at writing this entry over the past couple of weeks, but I just haven’t been able to. I guess the timing was just… wrong. But it’s right now.
What’s happened since my last entry? Not much. I’ve been home for all of it. Not really much to do. My course is taking up my Thursdays and Fridays now, and I’ve been working on my first graded assessment task due this Friday. WHS is boring and basically common sense in lawyer speak so the fact that I’m finding it difficult to translate into my own words has left me frustrated. Anxious about my performance and if I’ll pass. I don’t know. At least my classmates are quite lovely, I did a couple hours of study with one yesterday and she’s a very open and kind individual. It puts me more at ease to know someone else doing the course rather than being all alone.
My physio work is still going on and I’ve been trying to get out of the house to just go for a walk on my non-running days. I’ve been feeling trapped and it helps a little bit, even if I can’t go far. Thankfully I think the progressive workload I’ve been following has been good and my knee hasn’t played up at all during or after any sessions. I keep forgetting to ask my coach to place me back on a guided schedule though! (I just did it because I remembered while writing this post haha.) After finishing this I’ll go for a walk/jog for maybe half an hour.
Emotionally, I’m a bit of a wreck. Up and down like a see-saw all day, every day. Right now I feel tired and headachey and sad, but earlier I felt energetic and cheery. I slept 12 hours for the first time in forever, I’ve eaten, I don’t know why I feel like I do. I guess processing emotions is busy work.
There’s not really anything else to write about. So I guess that’s Poet, signing off.
The Cat In The Hat:
Hope you feel better... don't know what else to say.
Stay safe.
:)
Poet:
I've put in a request to defer my course till 2021.
The doctors still can't tell me what's wrong - they think I have an eating disorder. I don't. I'm not lying to them. I wouldn't lie about why I'm so sick. Why does everyone assume I'm lying? Is my life just that tragic? I guess it is.
I'm so sick and sore and it feels like I'll never get better, be able to run like I want to. Be happy with myself. My life.
Haven't stopped crying since waking up this morning. God, why do I have to be awake.
My mind has been so LOUD and I don't know what to do.
I'm stupid.
I'm ugly.
I'm useless.
I'm a failure.
I'm scared.
I can't think. I can't breathe. Why can't I breathe?
This was meant to get better. This was meant to be healing.
I'm meant to be happy here. I'm meant to feel safe. Why don't I feel safe? Why are there tears on my cheeks instead of a smile? I should be smiling. I can smile, see? Look happy. Look happy. Look happy.
It's too much. Too much too much too much.
I can't fix it. I can't do anything but lie here wishing I could sleep.
God, I'm so tired. Can my mind shut up for a bit? No? Okay.
I don't want to be here again.
I don't want to be me again.
Please.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version