General Discussion > Accountability and Motivation
Poet's Well-being Journal
Poet:
--- Quote from: K888 on April 16, 2018, 02:39:43 pm ---Can confirm that Nick's hairstyle doesn't have the approval of the mod team
--- End quote ---
1v1 me
Oh, and update: I'm home now. And I managed to stop crying for long enough to eat an egg (thanks to Calebark)
Poet:
--- Quote from: PhoenixxFire on April 16, 2018, 12:20:30 pm ---Have you seen Nick's latest snapchat? There's a few people for you to fight there >:( and I'll help you
--- End quote ---
Umm, no (don't have a phone haha) but he told me, and I have to say I am extremely disappointed with some people. *cough K8 cough*
--- Quote from: PhoenixxFire on April 16, 2018, 12:20:30 pm ---On a more serious note (not that insults to Nick's hair aren't serious), It's great that you're going to the doctor, I really hope they can help you. Just remember that set backs are normal and you will get through this too. We're all on your side, let me know if there's anything I can do to help
--- End quote ---
And thank you. I hope so, too. :)
I really appreciate it. I'll be sure to ask you for leg-ups in Biology if I need any haha ;p 💗
---------
Official diagnosis as of last night: mixed anxiety and depression. Again.
I was congratulated about this which I found extremely amusing.
On the plus side, I know the drill with this and I know I can push through eventually.
The downside: I have been diagnosed with mixed anxiety and depression. Again.
Last time it took me a full 6 months to pull myself up to the point where I could trust again.
Looks like Year 12 is gonna be a bit of a repeat. RIP my ATAR.
At least I know how to deal with my feelings now (mostly). It’s just difficult to find the time to draw, craft, hike or read – and even then, when I have the time, I lack the motivation. As I have said, sometimes I’m intent on hating myself. Avoiding things that I love and know will help me through is definitely a part of this, something I need to improve on.
My old drama teacher is a beautiful person; he’s almost like the informal, untrained and unqualified counsellor at our school, because nobody likes the actual counsellor. He’s a huge nerd about comics as well, so I can talk with him in detail about my favourite characters and DC arch stories and he still knows more than me.
Why is fantasy so much easier than reality? Books and dreams? Is it because we wish for idealism, perfection? Sometimes, good endings are nothing more than mere fiction. I hope with all my heart that we will all one day find the ideal.
But for now, sorrow closes in, like a tightened fist around my heart. Guilt and grief intermingled.
”You will only ever have two choices.
Love or fear.”
I chose not to fear long ago.
But sometimes your fears can come back to haunt you.
And in the end, who am I to stop them?
A slave to the Machine
The world spins
And I am stuck
In its gears.
Song of the Day: Home, AK & Mapps.
Spoiler
Poem: Do not go gentle into that good night, Dylan Thomas, 1915.
SpoilerDo not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
EEEEEEP:
--- Quote from: secretly_a_poet on April 17, 2018, 08:28:22 pm ---Umm, no (don't have a phone haha) but he told me, and I have to say I am extremely disappointed with some people. *cough K8 cough*
And thank you. I hope so, too. :)
I really appreciate it. I'll be sure to ask you for leg-ups in Biology if I need any haha ;p 💗
---------
Official diagnosis as of last night: mixed anxiety and depression. Again.
I was congratulated about this which I found extremely amusing.
On the plus side, I know the drill with this and I know I can push through eventually.
The downside: I have been diagnosed with mixed anxiety and depression. Again.
Last time it took me a full 6 months to pull myself up to the point where I could trust again.
Looks like Year 12 is gonna be a bit of a repeat. RIP my ATAR.
At least I know how to deal with my feelings now (mostly). It’s just difficult to find the time to draw, craft, hike or read – and even then, when I have the time, I lack the motivation. As I have said, sometimes I’m intent on hating myself. Avoiding things that I love and know will help me through is definitely a part of this, something I need to improve on.
--- End quote ---
Hi there =)
You'll get through it, with the support of your friends, family and counsellor! The dark times may be here, but they'll get brighter ^^. You're already doing yourself a favour by seeing the counsellor.
As for your ATAR, you might be eligible for SEAS
--- Quote ---Demonstrate through your impact statement how your medical condition has impacted on your education. To assist in your assessment, include details about how the circumstances have adversely affected your ability to study, access educational facilities and resources, attend school or tuition regularly and perform in assessment tasks.
--- End quote ---
Poet:
--- Quote from: EEEEEEP on April 17, 2018, 08:57:52 pm ---Hi there =)
You'll get through it, with the support of your friends, family and counsellor! The dark times may be here, but they'll get brighter ^^. You're already doing yourself a favour by seeing the counsellor.
As for your ATAR, you might be eligible for SEAS
--- End quote ---
Hey E6P, thanks for your encouragement and recommendation. <3
I've been talking to my careers counsellor about SEAS, and I'm going to apply. Hopefully, my ATAR won't be too adversely affected - I'll still do the best I can - but it's a 'just in case' scenario. :)
Poet:
M-rated for Melodrama warning - it's actually how I feel, but the Poet's definitely come out in this one.
Sorry, guys.
Motivation - nought. The chasm has opened in full.
I find myself falling, falling, an endless void beneath me. Will I ever touch ground? And when I do, will I get the chance to feel the firm earth before I’m lost once again? Will I be injured by the force of my landing?
A nightmare, confused, alone.
Sleepless nights and sleeping days,
Cold, unfeeling, harsh as blades.
Words like fire upon my skin, breath of dragons, closing in.
Predators hunting in the night, always felt, but not by sight.
A heart that beats a little too fast, a feeling that will only last
As long as I am still awake,
So sleep, little one, know you are safe
From the monsters in your closet and the terrors that await
That alight on your shoulder like ghostly little fingers
Their touch light but their burden weighty,
Memories, oh cold memories.
Memories; to sleep I go,
Clinging on to love I know
Will ever die, and never return
For me, abandoned, left alone.
Oh, to dream without fear. To give without worry. To love without anxiety. To tell the world that though she can be cruel, I still care for her.
I’m so confused with my own thoughts right now. Around and around my head as I lie in bed. I feel cold, as if I’ve bled myself out. But there’s nothing but my mind, my thoughts, my tangled hair and room strewn with belongings not in their place.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, I am literally on the ninth level of Hell.
A sickness, a certain obscurity, has found its way into my veins. Pure darkness twists like thorned vines, pushing against the colour and life I fight to claim as my own, stolen away by the blackness. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so alone, so distraught, so dead? When I have to, I still get up. When I have to, I still function. I still smile, because smiles are gifts to give. Pieces of love and joy to worm their way into the saddest of hearts. But even as I gift a smile, I feel empty, hollow, isolated. Even as one wound closes over, another opens in my heart. As if I am just picking a metaphorical scab, over and over again. Half the time, I look into the mirror expect to see a stain of blood on my chest, right over my heart.
All of the hurt, the pain, the loneliness, the guilt, everything that has been done to me and I have done to others has finally caught up with me. Not just some, but all. And I am crushed under its weight, barely able to stand under the load.
But I do stand.
And as long as I can stand, I can walk.
And as long as I can walk, I can move.
And as long as I move, I will be making progress through the dark, ever-twisting forests. An invasion in my soul.
To hold on, to live.
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