General Discussion > Accountability and Motivation
Poet's Well-being Journal
Poet:
Hey all. <3
Motivation – going slowly but steadily up the hills. Does anyone else know the story about ‘The Little Engine That Could’? That’s me right now, a little train chugging its way slowly up the ever-lengthening tracks, the ever-steepening slopes. Struggling to get out of the cage that is me. Nobody ever said I don’t do my best with what I’ve got.
I’ve managed to start eating again over the past two days, which is really great. Had a burrito for lunch the other day. My parents are over the moon. Hopefully, this will stop my habit of sitting on the verge of consciousness every waking moment. It’s not a fun idea, to eat next to nothing for weeks. The impact on study, concentration and friendships is extremely detrimental.
Today is Anzac Day. A day to commemorate the sacrifice our ancestors offered for their country – their very lives for our freedom and individuality. This is one of my favourite days of the year, because for once, we have kept our promise to keep them in our hearts. Lest we Forget.
It’s so beautiful to see great-grandchildren marching proudly with their grandfather’s medals pinned to their chests. To see the old war planes fly over, to stand for the Last Post and a minute of silence and respect those whose loss was for the greater good, but still mournful and meaningless in the scheme of things. It’s a day where people actually stop to think deeply about our nation and what it means to be Australian. And although I’m not fully Australian (half American – if you ever meet me in real life I have a slight accent on some words!) I still take pride in our nation’s ability to hold their heads high today and remember what we lost, but also what we gained.
I feel like we as a community need to remember today who we are and why we are. To remember the fallen, the brave, the lost and the found. To remember our country’s perseverance and our promise to never forget the toll war takes.
And even as I struggle in all that I do, I remember today the men at Gallipoli and their knowledge that death awaited them. And yet, even as they knew, they ran to their deaths for their wives, mothers, siblings, children and friends. They ran not for themselves, but for the freedom of their nation.
As we will keep running, up those ever-lengthening tracks and ever-steepening slopes.
As I will keep fighting the war inside of myself.
I will persevere. Not for myself, but for my friends and family, those I love and who love me in return. I will fight for meaning and, eventually, all will come clear.
And I will persevere.
“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can”
And I will not forget.
turinturambar:
Thanks Poet. Those words about Anzac Day were beautiful.
This afternoon I walked the Kokoda Memorial Trail in the Dandenong Ranges, and they've added new signs with details about individual soldiers in WW2. Some of them had the standard "Lest we forget", others had "We don't want to be remembered as heroes, we just want to be remembered".
Also, given you've talked about being out in nature, you would probably like that trail, though it can get very crowded.
Poet:
Howdy, lovely ANers! I hope you’ve all had a great week. And if not, I feel you. Have a hug. <3
This post is really quite descriptive of some of the stuff I’m thinking and have gone through – much less poetic than normal. I’m still being purposefully vague, but if anyone has had experience with things I have previously spoken of and feels this might be triggering in some way, please don’t read this entry.
--- Quote from: turinturambar on April 25, 2018, 09:05:22 pm ---Thanks Poet. Those words about Anzac Day were beautiful.
This afternoon I walked the Kokoda Memorial Trail in the Dandenong Ranges, and they've added new signs with details about individual soldiers in WW2. Some of them had the standard "Lest we forget", others had "We don't want to be remembered as heroes, we just want to be remembered".
Also, given you've talked about being out in nature, you would probably like that trail, though it can get very crowded.
--- End quote ---
Hi again! I feel like I see you on here a lot – definitely not a bad thing! :)
Thanks for the recommendation! Do you go walking the Dandenongs often?
Actually, the Kokoda Memorial Trail is one of my favourites. I’ve been there a few times with my family, and it’s absolutely beautiful. We didn’t go on Anzac Day, but we have been when it’s a lot less crowded and there’s an abundance of kookaburras and crimson rosellas. It’s a great walk to think on (as well as get a little exercise haha).
________
Firstly, apologies for not being a lot more of a help on the forums. I’ve been using it a lot more for motivation’s sake than for actually helping out. I do try, but when I see a question and I know I have the answer and begin typing it out, my brain just goes… blank. I don’t know. But it’s been really, really frustrating and I’m so so sorry for not being more productive and helping out more people, because I try so hard and just seem to go nowhere with it. And then other people answer the questions so my answers would be invalid anyway. I guess it’s partly my sense of inferiority, but also the effect everything (stress, depression, lack of sleep, etc.) is taking on my cognitive abilities right now. I’m just sorry.
I will be applying for SEAS when the registrations open up (I have my reference), so hopefully I can find a course I like and get the appropriate scholarship/ATAR adjustment I need if in fact I do need it at the end of this year.
________
I need to motivate myself to go to work tonight. I went last night and it was pretty intense (Friday nights at a fish and chip shop are always pretty crazy). I was on the phone and I really hate the phone because it’s a phone and I can’t see the people I’m getting the orders from and people are always like “are you American because you just said tom-ATE-o” and I’m like “YES MY MOTHER IS AMERICAN AND THEREFORE I’M AMERICAN IS SAYING TOM-ATE-O A BAD THING?!?”, but I love my coworkers and my bosses and even the boss’s son, who thinks it’s funny to make wisecracks about my height every time he’s around. (Just for the record, I’m 5’8 – definitely not super tall. I think he’s just insecure because he’s about 5’7.) It’s just really hard to get up and pull out my bike to ride the half hour to work, work hard for four hours and then do the same ride home. I’m thankful I get paid pretty well and my workplace is extremely supportive, but it’s a lot of effort to go to when I’m still really foggy and not… not right, I guess.
I had a bit of a strange experience the other day. This has happened to me a total of twice in my life, and I’m not one of those people who can just brush it off.
A guy who’s been my friend for years told me he likes me, and personally this is a huge blow to the gut. I'm glad he told me so I know, but... I want to be completely honest right now and say I view him as a friend and a friend only. I love him, but only like family. So what am I meant to do when someone I view as a brother tells me he feels otherwise?
The thing is, I’ve had a really bad run with men in my life. One older guy I thought was my friend when I was 13 turned out to be abusive. The next guy was another friend, and he ended up stalking me when I insisted I didn’t like him. The third was a leader in my youth group, someone I thought I could talk to and trust, and he turned out to be a child groomer. Not just to me, but 17 other girls who filed a report. I was one of 5 main ‘targets’ listed by him.
Every time, the people around me I thought I could trust turned around and somehow harmed me, whether that be emotionally or physically, or both. If the phrase “once bitten, twice shy” is true, I guess I’m “thrice bitten, nine times shy”. So some little piece of me, although I know this particular friend would never do anything like that, screams to run, to escape, to get out before it’s too late. And I hate myself for not just being able to deal with simple teenage feelings, but with everything that’s happened to me I’m terrified that when I say no, something will happen. That I’ll bring the world down around me, that the sky will fall, that I’ll be trapped in the dark with no way out.
I can only describe the terror with metaphor. This frustrates me. I want people to know how I feel, but I can’t really truly say it.
I want to hold on to the friendship we have. I want to be happy and know that no matter what, he won’t do anything to hurt me. And logically, I know that. Logically, he’s a good friend, better than I ever deserved. But my own mind, my own experiences, prevent me from giving him that chance. And this makes me wonder – can I stand to lose one of the only friends I have because of the illogical panic of my stupid, messed up brain? And I’m back to not knowing.
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.
I breathe, one breath and another. In, out.
And still I don’t know.
Song of the Day: Alec Benjamin - Paper Crown.
P.S. Mods, please tell me if this isn't okay to post on the forums. I will take it off if it's too much. I just value honesty, from myself and others. Thanks team.
turinturambar:
--- Quote from: secretly_a_poet on April 28, 2018, 03:29:04 pm ---Thanks for the recommendation! Do you go walking the Dandenongs often?
Actually, the Kokoda Memorial Trail is one of my favourites. I’ve been there a few times with my family, and it’s absolutely beautiful. We didn’t go on Anzac Day, but we have been when it’s a lot less crowded and there’s an abundance of kookaburras and crimson rosellas. It’s a great walk to think on (as well as get a little exercise haha).
--- End quote ---
I live fairly close to the Dandenongs, so yes, it's one of my best places for walking. Glad you like the Kokoda Trail.
The other thing that's good about the Dandenongs this time of year is the autumn leaves in the various Parks-managed gardens (and similarly the flowers in spring).
And I agree, the birds are always pretty special.
Poet:
To sleep, perchance to dream…
I wish I could sleep without waking up with an ache in my chest from the nightmares damn it.
“The struggle is real” is such a modern cliché, but it’s so true. Too true.
School is getting to a point in the hard slog where it’s dragging me down really far, and I have no time to work myself out. I haven’t been able to accept offers to go to the movies, or art exhibitions, and I feel like I’ve been letting everyone down, including myself. I feel hated and reviled by everyone, even though I know it’s not true. I’m not even in class right now because I’ve been shaking uncontrollably all day and I’ve got permission to just sit in my little library hovel with my hood up going round and round in circles in my head. Our senior school coordinator just walked in and gave me a hug, then walked back out. I don’t know what it was for but it made me cry. Gosh I’m waaay too fragile right now haha
I’ve been fighting so hard to keep my head above the water, but my psych appointment last night really put it all into perspective. She wanted to discuss anti-depressants and medication, which is something I thought wouldn’t be necessary, but now she thinks I need it… I want so much to get better, but I don’t know how much the medication will affect my work ethic and study plans, and if it will really help me at all. I guess I’m scared of it – I don’t know the effects it will have on me and my life. A life I’m already struggling to hold onto without the lethargy and unknowns of medication made with the sole purpose of messing with my mind.
On the upside of these dark clouds I’m straining to see through; Just got the book “Wonder” about a young boy called August with severe disfigurement. There’s a movie of it, but I tend to read the books more than watch the movies. I’d read the premise ages ago, so this should be the perfect book for me right now. I’ll read it tonight and tell peeps how it went.
Also; going to the Expo tomorrow should be a riot, if I can get there.
Actually, here’s where I stop myself and say no – I will be going. So, I’ll definitely see you guys at stand #107.
Thanks for the support, AN. <3
As was the phrase at hockey training yesterday, "you guys are jets".
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