Language Analysis: Please tell me how to improve it

[lakvinu]

Hello guys,

Im in year 11, i wrote a body paragraph for an article thats a letter to the editor. I only wrote 1 body paragraph and its about the heading. The heading is called: A Plea from the Young. So i wrote a paragraph about that. I been trying to improve my language analysis. So pls tell me anyhow how to improve it. Thanks

From the outset of the letter, Lee establishes the emotive headline “A Plea from the Young,” to appeal to the readers sense of emotion. The word “young,” implies or represents children or kids and in our world, most children are known to be mischief and troublemakers, yet they are always forgiven by parents and locals. Consequently, the writer knowingly employed the word “young,” instead of student or pupil to invoke a sense of sympathy towards the reader. Upon reading, the readers will feel a sense of sympathy, especially those that are parents. For Parents, children are everything to them, and to witness or hear a young child pleading or begging will cause a huge pain or agony to them. Thus, parents and other residents of the Gold Coast will feel empathy towards the writer and hence be forced to position themselves with the writer.

[darkz]

Hello guys,

Im in year 11, i wrote a body paragraph for an article thats a letter to the editor. I only wrote 1 body paragraph and its about the heading. The heading is called: A Plea from the Young. So i wrote a paragraph about that. I been trying to improve my language analysis. So pls tell me anyhow how to improve it. Thanks

From the outset of the letter, Lee establishes the emotive headline “A Plea from the Young,” to appeal to the readers sense of emotion. The word “young,” implies or represents children or kids and in our world, most children are known to be mischief and troublemakers, yet they are always forgiven by parents and locals. Consequently, the writer knowingly employed the word “young,” instead of student or pupil to invoke a sense of sympathy towards the reader. Upon reading, the readers will feel a sense of sympathy, especially those that are parents. For Parents, children are everything to them, and to witness or hear a young child pleading or begging will cause a huge pain or agony to them. Thus, parents and other residents of the Gold Coast will feel empathy towards the writer and hence be forced to position themselves with the writer.

Hey
Good effort, however some things you should take care in would be to write concisely. For example, you wrote "implies or represents children or kids" - I'm sure that just writing "represents children" would suffice another example includes "appeal to the readers sense of emotion" in the first scentence. This is implied by saying that it's an emotive headline, so either be more specific and identify the emotion or just remove it as its redundant. Furthermore, there's a bit of repetition when you take two sentences to analyse the significance of "young" where in my opinion, could have been done with just one. You should also always relate the technique to a specific argument within the article (e.g. the plea to stop gun violence etcetera).