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Japanese Writing Journal

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undefined:
So this is where I'm going to post some of my practice writing pieces in the hope that someone will give me some feedback or we can cross mark each others essays. Any cool tips to improve my writing would be greatly appreciated. If possible when marking please give an overall mark as for what you think the writer would get in an assessment.

I'll start off the thread with:
A Japanese kindergarten in Australia is looking for an assistant who can speak both English and Japanese.
Write a letter persuading the principal that you are the best candidate for the position.
ようちえんで仕事について

山田先生へ、

こんにちは、山田先生。私はビル*ジョーンズと申します。はたらいているようちえんでアシスタントをさがしているそうですね。私がこの仕事にふさわしいということを書きます。

まず、高校と大学で八年間くらいかけて日本語を勉強していました。さらに、大学二年生の時に日本で一年間留学生になったから英語は私の母国語なのに、日本語が話せるようになりました。私と話すのがやさしくて、はたらいたら全ての時に仕事をしてしまいます。

二年前にセイントジョセフと言う小学校でインターンの仕事をしていました。それがいいけいかんで、ようちえんではたらきかけられたら、すばらしいです。イベントを作ることとか生徒のりょうしんと話すことをしなければならないと分かって、私はじゅんびです。

おへんじを楽しみにしています。よろしくお願いします。

ビル*ジョーンズより
Yeah I had some trouble forming ideas and convincing reasons as to why the principal should hire me but oh well. All feedback appreciated.

sarangiya:

--- Quote from: undefined on July 09, 2018, 10:44:55 pm ---So this is where I'm going to post some of my practice writing pieces in the hope that someone will give me some feedback or we can cross mark each others essays. Any cool tips to improve my writing would be greatly appreciated. If possible when marking please give an overall mark as for what you think the writer would get in an assessment.
Awesome idea. I'll try my best but I won't give any mark - you could possibly ask your teacher to :)

I'll start off the thread with:
A Japanese kindergarten in Australia is looking for an assistant who can speak both English and Japanese.
Write a letter persuading the principal that you are the best candidate for the position.
Not super relevant but I remember doing a practice for this exact prompt. It is one of the harder ones.

--- End quote ---
ようちえんで仕事について
I don't know if you really need a subject line. It's a letter, not an email. I didn't write any, but if your teacher said you should, go by that.

山田先生へ、✓

こんにちは、山田先生。Unnecessary and not consistent with letter-writing conventions.私はビル*ジョーンズと申します。Be careful with keigo. You haven't used it anywhere else in your letter (lack of consistency of register - see point 2), so I would just use desu/to iimasu.はたらいているようちえんでアシスタントをさがしているそうですね。私がこの仕事にふさわしいということを書きます。I don't know about the first sentence but the second is definitely a bit strange. Refer to Point 1 below later.

まず、高校と大学で八年間くらいかけて日本語を勉強してきました。さらに、大学二年生の時に日本で一年間留学生になったから英語は私の母国語なのに、日本語が話せるようになりました。私と話すのがやさしくて私は話しやすい人で、はたらいたら全ての時に仕事をしてしまいますI'm guessing you want to say something along the lines of "if you hire me, I will dedicate all my time to the job". Check point 1 later.。

二年前にセイントジョセフと言う小学校でインターンの仕事をしていましたインターンシップを体験しました - see point 1。それがいいけいかんで、ようちえんではたらきかけられたら This verb usually means 'to work on someone' as in to manipulate or coax someone into something. Even if you use it to mean 'to begin to work', it doesn't work because it is an intransitive verb、すばらしいです。イベントを作ることとかI think とか is too informal生徒のりょうしんと話すことをしなければならないと分かって、私はじゅんびですしています, but actually I think かくごをしています holds more of the nuance you're trying to get across

おへんじを楽しみにしています。The standard convention is お返事をお待ちしております。maybe おへんじをまっています b/c point 2よろしくお願いします。

ビル*ジョーンズより

--- Quote ---Yeah I had some trouble forming ideas and convincing reasons as to why the principal should hire me but oh well. All feedback appreciated.

--- End quote ---
Good job. It's a good piece, but you are right in identifying the need for "convincing reasons" - that's point 3. Overall I think that considering the prompt itself, you've done a good job. This probably isn't exam standard though. What I would advise for the exam is to pick something more familiar. Writing basically a cover letter in Japanese is too advanced for VCE (that's the prompt's fault) and require knowledge of heaps of conventions and cultural norms to write to decent standard. Other texts that are a bit broader, of an age-suitable context (e.g. school-related) are much better. Sometimes your essay can be largely influence not by what you write, but the prompt you choose.
Point 1
It is important to understand conventions when writing a text. You should examine examples in textbooks etc. of what a letter/diary/review/newsletter/story etc format should look like and follow it carefully. It can help (sometimes but not always) to think: would I do that if I was writing this in English? Some people do include an "RE: xxx job position" but most do not, instead outlining it in their first paragraph. Note that you actually did - is there a need for it twice? In regards to that, I was unsure about whether your sentence "I see that you're looking for an assistant at the kindergarten" is quite appropriate context-wise. Ironically, the Japanese don't have cover letters afaik because they even have a pre-formatted CV that is standard for all prospective employees. Not only is this prompt inappropriate for VCE, but it is impractical in a Japanese context in my opinion. I googled it anyway, to little avail. My personal take is something like 幼稚園アシスタントの仕事に興味をもっているため、この職を申し込みたいです? It's not really formal but I think it's best to stay away from keigo.
Following that is your "dedicating time" sentence... again I'm not 100% sure but I can't imagine it's natural context-wise. Honestly, I would just omit it. I know in a real cover letter I wouldn't say that. I might say "I have full-time availability and can negotiate shift times" or something?
At the end, also, saying お返事を楽しみしています is like saying "happy regards" at the end of your letter. It's common knowledge that it's "kind regards" and "お返事をお待ちしております。” just a common writing convention and a bit of cultural knowledge.
Overall, I wouldn't sweat it too much, because the prompt is just awful. But for future reference, make sure you are aware of normal conventions for certain text types.
Relating to インターンシップを体験しました, you can find natural collocations and sentence structures from http://jisho.org
Search a word you would like to collocate with a verb, or want to use naturally in a sentence. Click "link" in its entry and search for sentences.
This can also be used to derive nuances/collocations and avoid using words with a similar meaning in English incorrectly. Take じゅんび (preparation; setup; arrangements; provision; reserve​):
明日の準備はできた？
Did you get everything ready for tomorrow?
明日の授業の準備をするべきだ。
You should prepare for tomorrow's lessons.
明日でかける準備ができていますか。
Can you be ready to leave tomorrow?
You can see 準備 is usually collocated with できます or します. Not one used "I'm ready" as じゅんびです, just じゅんびできています!
Not only that, you might have notice that the "readiness" refers to prior planning, preparation, packing and arrangements for a future event. You might imagine luggage, a packed lunch, lesson materials. Mental preparation doesn't seem to be represented.
Let's take 覚悟 (resolution; resignation; readiness; preparedness):
たとえ何が起きても、私は覚悟ができている。
No matter what happens, I am prepared.
その悪い知らせを聞く覚悟が出来ていますか。
Are you ready to hear the bad news?
いつでも死ぬ覚悟ができている。
I'm always ready for death. (same)
You can see it is usually collocated with: できる (but also する、きめる in other examples). But you can see a distinction here where 'readiness' is in terms of mental preparedness, willingness and purpose.
I highly recommend this way of vocabulary-building to ANYONE studying Japanese at any level.

Point 2
Stemming from point 1 is a consistency of register appropriate to the context. First, you use 申します but no other keigo. It lacks consistency. It is highlighted by using casual lexis like とか which is not really consistent with the register (formality) either. In a diary or letter to a friend, you should choose a suitable register (e.g. casual) and stick with it. ともちゃん久しぶり！返事ありがとうね。2年ぶりにともちゃんと連絡とられて本当にうれしい！高等学校を卒業したため、大変お忙しいところ恐縮ですが、お会いできるのを楽しみにしております。...you see my point!
Register is an assessment dotpoint but I doubt it's evaluated so harshly, so just try your hardest to set the mood, social boundaries and due respect well :)

Point 3
This is the biggest point. Your lack of persuasion. This is the easiest one to comment and improve on because it is relevant to all writing tasks, and isn't just affected because of the dodgy prompt.
Here are some good grammar points to ~persuade~: すればいい、したらいい、したほうがいい、したらどう、と思います・としんじています、がおすすめ、じゃないですか（rhetorical question), さらに・そのうえ・それに、だけでなく　etc.
Using these inherently makes you persuasive. 私は、8年かけて日本語を勉強してきただけでなく、日本で幼稚園でインターンシップを体験したこともあります。そのため、 日本語も英語も話せる自信があります。その自信を持っている人を、幼稚園の子供たちにも同じ自信を吹き込ませたらどうですか。私は、この職にふさわしい人だと信じています。
That kind of thing? idk maybe too strong (that's a cultural thing too lol)
Anyway, that's what I advise for persuasion. If you use the language, the salesman within you will come out naturally. As for coming up with ideas: use your 15-minute reading time. Look first through the writing prompts and try to come up with ideas. By the time you come to write it, the prompt will have been ticking over in your brain (maybe subconsciously) for a good time. The other thing I suggest is to think in English first, then write in Japanese. Not to write in English (not a direct translation!). But generally, I am just a quicker thinker and more creative in English - my Japanese mind (lol) tends to be less inquisitive and more laid back. (No joke... I once realised while in Japan that I had not cared about a TV show criticizing this divorcee woman when in English I would have been "what trash, what business is this of yours" etc. etc.!)

Lol anyway I hope you don't mind this. It's not meant to be harsh at all. i really think the prompt would screw anyone over including myself, so I hope you can take the general advice on board and use it for better prompts. Good luck!

undefined:
This is incredibly detailed feedback which I will try to take on board. Thank you very much

Should I include grammar not part of the study design or should I keep my pieces strictly within the given range? Because I was thinking about including some N3-N2 grammar patterns to make my essays sound better.

I should be posting a diary entry soon. Thanks!

sarangiya:

--- Quote from: undefined on July 13, 2018, 12:16:41 am ---This is incredibly detailed feedback which I will try to take on board. Thank you very much

Should I include grammar not part of the study design or should I keep my pieces strictly within the given range? Because I was thinking about including some N3-N2 grammar patterns to make my essays sound better.

I should be posting a diary entry soon. Thanks!

--- End quote ---
It is best to have solid command of the grammar in the study design before moving onto more complex constructions.
For example, even if you say "勉強すればするほど日本語が分からやすいなります。" I think more attention will be given to the incorrect construction of 分かりやすくなります rather than the XればXほどY (the more X, the more Y) pattern.
But definitely, if you feel confident writing with appropriate and natural syntax, you should move on to more complex material.
I used grammar outside of the study design in my essay, but actually I didn't use a lot. I definitely included lots of grammar to make the text coherent and cohesive, but they weren't necessarily 'difficult' constructions. Sometimes knowledge of more grammar can help you convey things more easily, but you first need something to convey (ideas, and correctly articulated ones).
Up to you as to where you think you're at! But overall I think it's a good idea.

Keep up the good work.

undefined:
Your family has been hosting a Japanese high-school student at your home. Today was a bit hard, but very
interesting, because of some communication problems and cultural differences. Write a personal journal
entry about today. Include what happened and why, and your thoughts and feelings about the day’s events.

二〇一八年七月二十日天気：かぜがつよい
今日は日本からあかりという高校生が学校にりゅう学してきた。ちょっとむずかしかったでもとっても面白かった日だと思う。

前にEメールでしかれんらくしなかったから会った事がなかったけど会ったとたん、仲良くなってきたので良かった。あかりさんはちょっとしか英語が分からなかったのでよく日本語が話さなければならなかった。両親もあかりと話すのがむずかしかったからやくしすぎて今までつかれたけど英語が話してみていたのでうれしい。

家についた時にちょっとびっくりした。入ろうとしていたら、くつをめぎ始めた！あかりさんは「ふつうじゃないの？」って言った。さらに、日本ではおふろに入れば、家族が同じの水を使うと学んだ！日本の文化とちがう事がたくさんあるそうだ。

家族とばんごはんを食べた時にあかりさんは物が好きだったけどもうつれたようだった。そのため、食べていたのに寝ちゃってきた！多分ひこうきの時間がめっちゃ長かったからだ。でも、あかりさんは優しそうな人だからはやく友達になれると思っている、明日あかりさんが行ったことがない所に行くよていだから楽しみにしている。

Not sure if I'm meant to sign off with the writers name or something.
Do you think it's a good idea to be more casual and take out the ’い’ in progressive tense verbs like 食べてた for example in diary entries? Because I know a lot of young people do that.

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