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Japanese Writing Journal

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sarangiya:

--- Quote from: undefined on July 14, 2018, 09:34:13 pm ---Your family has been hosting a Japanese high-school student at your home. Today was a bit hard, but very
interesting, because of some communication problems and cultural differences. Write a personal journal
entry about today. Include what happened and why, and your thoughts and feelings about the day’s events.

--- End quote ---

二〇一八年七月二十日天気：かぜがつよい Great formatting!

今日は日本から(の)あかりという高校生が学校にりゅう学してきた。ちょっとむずかしかったけど、or。でも、とっても面白い日だったと思う。

その/来る前にEメールでしかれんらくししていなかったから会った事がなかったけど会ったとたん ①、仲良くなれたから良かった。あかりさんはちょっとしか英語がちょっとしか分からないから　she hasn't suddenly got betterよく日本語で話さなければならなかった。両親もあかりと話すのがむずかしかったという/らしい/みたいから、ややこしすぎて今までつかれたけど英語で話してみていたので→くれたからうれしい。

家についた時にちょっとびっくりした。あかりさんが家に入ろうとしていたら、くつをぬぎ始めた！あかりさんは「ふつうじゃないの？」って言った。それで、日本ではおふろに入れば、家族が同じの水を使うと(あかりさんが)教えてくれた!オーストラリアの文化は、日本の文化とちがう事がたくさんあるそうだ。

家族とばんごはんを食べた時にあかりさんは喜んでいたそうだったけどもうつれたようだった。実は、食べていたのに寝落ちちゃった！多分ひこうきの時間がすごく①長かったからだろう。でも、あかりさんは優しそうな人だからはやく友達になれると嬉しい。明日あかりさんが行ったことがない所に行くよていだから楽しみにしている。

--- Quote ---Not sure if I'm meant to sign off with the writers name or something.

--- End quote ---
No, you're not. Apparently "Dear Diary" and "Love, untitled xx" is just a cringey English thing! Hahah good call :)

--- Quote ---Do you think it's a good idea to be more casual and take out the ’い’ in progressive tense verbs like 食べてた for example in diary entries? Because I know a lot of young people do that.

--- End quote ---
Great question. I would not advise it. You are absolutely correct in saying it is popular and common nowadays, especially among younger people. However, in the end it is not proper Japanese and even some people in Japan oppose its use, let alone examination markers who are meant to measuring your language proficiency. You can read more about it in point 1 for this entry.

Overall, this was a good entry! A definite improvement from your previous one.

Point 1
Issues with register have made a return. But they scale is a little less intense than last time.
Using ので is a good idea for variety, but it does hold more formal nuances. In my opinion, it doesn't fit well. BUT I would discount that as being picky if someone were to argue it. On the other hand, そのため is far too formal. It is used almost exclusively in formal contexts. I did use it in my "this is what casual and formal register juxtaposed looks like" example from last time.
A different case is とたん. I support your use of extended grammar, and you did use it to the correct effect. とたん is a literary agent. It is mostly used in books or kind of figuratively when story telling. It is not often used in casual conversation. For the reason that your journal entry is meant to be a story of some sorts, I thought it was okay. But I'm not 100% sure. It does seem a little formal, but overall I think the variety of grammar is nice.
The other extreme is めっちゃ. Just like your してた concern, めっちゃ is probably a little too informal. If your teacher disagrees, use it. But mine hated me using any sort of modern slang because it really is more dialectical and obscure, rather than a representation of general proficiency.

Point 2
Basically some improvements:
• Obsession with てきた is strange. It really only fits in a few places that you've used. The others I've replaced with other grammar that carries the meaning better.
• frequent error: ｘ語が話す. It's either ｘ語が話せる or ｘ語を/で話す
• use of conjunctions could be better to make paragraphs flow better. More importantly, to keep the sentences flowing themselves. さらに can be used when expanding with additional facts. この炊飯器は大人気ですよ。さらに、すごく安いです! That kind of thing.

Point 3
I think this isn't a massive worry but I'll mention it anyway. The two important features of a diary entry is the "recount" and the "reflection".
You must detail what happened during the day (trying to entertain the reader, of course) followed by your impressions of said events.
In most of your paragraphs you do describe a scenario and then your feelings after.
You might find it a good strategy to discuss events first (e.g. 2 paragraphs) and then give an in-depth emotional overview. You don't have to.
The idea is that your reflection should be meaningful, evaluative and "deep". That's where you can gain marks.
It might not work for you though - just an idea.

Anyway great work and keep up the good effort!

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