Please look at my oral presentation(homelessness,melbourne)and give me feedback

[lifeisgood]

according to my school, the speech needs to be around 4 to 6 minutes and the teacher has suggested between 900 to 1200. however, I've gone over (1366) and I need help cutting it down. much appreciated.
NOTE: ITS A BIT CHOPPY AND A FEW TYPOS.

[24lover]

Hi there,

I'll start off with a few tips 

A few years ago, I was coming home from a trip with my family when the car broke down.
* Start off with this anecdote. It’s a great way to catch your audience’s attention, instead of what you’ve got right now. This is just a matter of organising your structure - move your introduction beneath your anecdote 🙂 Think of it this way, most movies don’t start off going ‘this is a story about…’, they just launch into the action straight away. You want to achieve the same!

I personally have not experienced being on the streets, but I have had a glimpse of what it feels like.

* I personally wouldn’t add this, because I feel like it undermines your credibility. Just start off with your anecdote, and bring the focus to the fact that you HAVE contacted homelessness first-hand.

A few years ago, I was coming home from a trip with my family when the car broke down.  We were in the middle of nowhere far away from home with no hope of getting home. No food, no water just us and the car. It started raining heavily and the temperature dropped right down to 7 degrees. My dad called the racv, but they were no use. We were stuck there for 6 hours. That day it finally hit me that we are to have a place we can call home. 6 hours in the cold too much for me to bare but the sad truth is that is the life that the homeless must deal with 24 hours, 7 times a week for who knows how long.  In this season of winter homeless camps with mattresses, blankets, boxes and other items pile up high in many doorways and in front of stores marks the obvious sign. Community workers describe this as a crisis where Salvation Army major Brendan Nottle notes “he had never seen it so bad”
* You can definitely afford to condense this. Try to cut out unnecessary information or delete words that don’t add much value, for example: ‘It was pouring rain and we huddled together in the icy 7 degree winter night. RACV never came, even after 6 hours’.

* I’d also focus on your EMOTIONS during your ordeal. Your oral spends a lot of time discussing the need for compassion, but give us a reason by pulling our heartstrings. For example, ‘for the first time in my life, I had no shelter, none of my creature comforts, I was hungry etc. etc.’. You spend more time talking about the physicality of the situation, rather than the emotional side - which is the part you want to explore more since your whole oral is about compassion.

Your topic is "The homeless deserve our compassion not condemnation instead we should do more to solve the crisis”.
* I feel like you spend a lot of time defending the homeless, but you don’t discuss much about the condemnation - this is particularly evident in the paragraph beginning with "There are several issues that plague the homeless community”. Here you talk about violence, but where is the link to people condemning them?

I hope this helps

[OZLexico]

I think this needs more work to refine your main points - at the moment the structure is a bit disorganised, even though you have some good ideas.  You have started with encouraging empathy in your audience (using your extended personal anecdote). Then you mention that homeless people are victims of crime and this is followed by a "cart before the horse" type of argument where people must help themselves first to be worthy of assistance. After this you mention who is represented in the group of "homeless people" and criticism of Melbourne city Council's strategy to "move them on."  You finish up with brief mention of Finland's success with reducing homelessness. The sequence of your presentation is up to you but consider that you are trying to influence your audience and give them a better understanding of the issue.  You could make your three main arguments clearer - who are the homeless, what current strategies are being used to help them (and where these are failing), and what other effective solutions could be introduced to support them. You have also implied in your conclusion that at least part of the solution lies in addressing crime and mental health issues - do you mean before people become homeless? Otherwise, you've got some good supporting statistics and relevant quotes. Reorganising this piece will consolidate your information and strengthen the focus of your arguments. Hopefully this will help reduce the word count to a manageable level.