Language analysis sample introduction. Need suggestions to improve.

[dream chaser]

Hi Everyone,

Please, can someone read over my sample language analysis and see what I can improve on to make it better. Thanks. The article I analysed is the 2014 VCE English Exam Language Analysis. The only difference is I only analysed Yvette Yergon's piece, not Dr Peter Laikis' response. Thanks. It would be much appreciated. 

In recent times, some people of interest have explored the controversy surrounding the idea of space exploration as the proposal of this proposition being achieved is highlighted. Yvette Yergon, an advocate for space exploration contends in her opinion piece titled “Exploring our dreams” that the answers to the issue of the potential of Earth needs to be discovered. She focuses on the long term environmental advantages of space exploration as the intention of her persuasive piece is to create excitement in her audience of fellow space enthusiast who read her opinion piece of the necessity of space exploration and move them to recognize the logic of this proposed suggestion. Published on the opinion pages of a Daily Newspaper, Yergon uses a range of supporting arguments and strategies from inclusive language to anecdotes, as she utilizes her obsession of space, whilst using an optimistic tone throughout to convey her piece.

As the writer’s overall intention is to excite the reader, from the outset, Yergon opens her piece by passionately generating a connection with her fellow space enthusiast, which she uses as a starting point, and emphasizes how inspiring space exploration can be. The phrase ‘space is not’ that ‘far away’ in which ‘you might’ consider alarms the reader, triggering them to acknowledge how important space is to Earth. She furthers this point by reiterating that ‘explor[ing] the unknown is’ considered ‘the’ most monumental stuff ‘we do’, underscoring that space exploration is regarded as of high demand compelling the reader to appreciate space, through which positions them to realize how space could possibly impact Earth in due course. Yergon expands her argument to implying how dreams can be achieved, depicted by the visual of the ship explored by “The great explorer Christopher Columbus”. The image is designed to show how a voyage on a ship represents how space exploration could become achievable in a similar vein. The choppy waves shown under the ship asserts that exploring his dream was difficult, but was accomplished in the end. The most salient aspect of the visual however is the surface area of the moon leading the reader to realize that space exploration is not as unachievable as it seems to be.

Having prompted the revelation of what space exploration brings, Yergon begins her body in serious fashion seeking to connect emotions and logic as she portrays to her readers of how space exploration is not described in one way, but that there is a deeper meaning to the objective. To first making the reader appreciate Earth and then moreover, drive them to praise the efforts of the astronauts, who have ‘taken the risk’ to capture a ‘different perspective’ of Earth, the writer utilizes the positive connotative and alliterative phrase ‘beautiful blue planet’ to commemorate the ‘admir[ation]’ of ‘Earth’ as she implies that without these ‘astronauts exploring beyond Earth’, no one would realize how ‘beautiful’ the place ‘we call home’ is. This is followed on by the repetition of the inclusive word ‘we’. Not only does this advocates her perception that everyone would benefit of with this idea taking place, but it also highlights the conception that this is not only her desire, but the readers’ desires as well. This confronts the reader to believe that it is only with everyone’s help, the idea could become achieved.

Following the realization of what the aspiration of space exploration is, Yergon continues her body in a more amused manner as she looks to provide stronger, more argumentative reasons that help establish her claim as she introduces the financial benefits of space exploration to her fellow space enthusiast. Yergon proclaiming that there is a ‘company’ who ‘recently’ tried to ‘claim ownership of an asteroid’ points out the notion that she previously reaffirmed of anything is possible which motivates the reader to prosper the future of earth benefits from space. Additionally, ironically professing that a ‘lifeless, unromantic asteroid’ has ‘a value’ of a ‘trillion dollars’, the writer evinces that something as boring and simple as a rock could hugely benefit Earth economically. This appeal to hip pocket nerve affirms the reader’s wishes for the government to take note and consequently, invest in future space exploration, which would assist Earth greatly.

After enunciating the financial upgrade which exploring space would deliver, Yergon reverts to her once inclined serious tone as she pursues to rebut opposing views to capitalize on the presumption that dreams do in fact come true. An anecdotal is evident as Yergon recites an event to which she encountered. As ‘taking risks’ and experiencing ‘the unexpected’ always has ‘good come out of that’, retelling an exhibition guide’s quote pinpoints the interpretation that without trying, you won’t be able to achieve anything. This does beside from adding credibility towards the reader, also recapitulates the strong incentive people have for space exploration inviting the reader to recognize the justification why people want space exploration to take off, thereby leading them to consider how this project could be improved. Combining with this, Yergon exemplifies that some ‘products available now’ due to ‘space exploration’ was something ‘nobody predicted at the time’. This statement attacks the critics towards the issue who believe that no good will result from this and proves these critics wrong. Therefore, it provides the readers clarity that space exploration does indeed help the Earth and more specifically, be very ‘valuable’ to us.

Succeeding Yergon’s attempts to force the reader to notice the plausibility that dreams do actually happen, she closes her body adamantly to state the facts whilst she concentrates on focusing on seeing space exploration last for a long time. As she now targets the Government, she appeals to the reader’s logic exclaiming that ‘if there was ever a’ better ‘time to’ change ‘more of the unknown into’ pragmatic knowledge, ‘it might be now’. Hinting that this chance might not be offered again, the readers are meant to feel ever so reliant on the Government that they will deliver and more influentially, invest in space exploration. Furthermore, still concentrating on the Government, the writer relates ‘the next generation of scientists’ to ‘the next generation of technology’ in attempt to find the connection between the two baffling the reader of the negligence applied to space exploration for which are ultimately ‘the’ solutions ‘to our problems’. Yergon widens her argument to describing the things necessary for space exploration to occur, manifested by the visual of a diagram presenting these things. The visual is prone to display an astronaut’s trip to outer space having many aspects, which must be conquered before achieving their goal. The smiling face of the girl depicted in the ‘medical imaging’ of the visual demonstrates how practical and wonderful space exploration can potentially be. Nevertheless, the predominant salient feature of the visual is the astronaut who looks like is looking upwards, most probably at the moon from Earth. This guides the reader to distinguish that the future of Earth rests with these astronauts and without backing them with all the equipment they need just like what the Government is currently doing, space exploration won’t be a success.

As Yergon finishes, she closes by enthusiastically evoking a logical next step in which case she adopts as a stepping stone to insinuate her final argument that space exploration would give Earth peace. The writer connotes urging the ‘next big thing in space exploration’ to happen giving special preference to the cliché ‘next big thing’. She ingeminates that it is time for something spectacular to happen directing the reader to undergo eagerness anticipating for this encounter to materialize. Yergon continues by finishing with a call to action targeted at her fellow space enthusiast. To firstly inform the readers of what the future holds and secondly, make them comprehend that all this is being done to conserve Earth, Yergon argues that ‘it’s important to recharge our batteries’ and do it ‘for the whole planet’.

[24lover]

Hey dream chaser

Here's my feedback for you:

In recent times, some people of interest have explored the controversy surrounding the idea of space exploration as the proposal of this proposition being achieved is highlighted.

* I believe you’re writing in passive voice here, rather than active voice. You can usually tell if you’re using a lot of words that end with ‘-ed’. I’m not an expert in passive/active but I’d encourage you to do some research online because it’ll help improve your writing

Yvette Yergon, an advocate for space exploration contends in her opinion piece titled “Exploring our dreams” that the answers to the issue of the potential of Earth needs to be discovered.
* Yes, this is true, but what students tend to miss is a more subtle part of the contention. Take note of who she’s talking to and how she is constantly talking about how it’s a good investment and the potential of a major profit. She wants governments to invest in exploring outer space, on top of the fact that we should explore it.

As the writer’s overall intention is to excite the reader, from the outset, Yergon opens her piece by passionately generating a connection with her fellow space enthusiast, which she uses as a starting point, and emphasizes how inspiring space exploration can be. The phrase ‘space is not’ that ‘far away’ in which ‘you might’ consider alarms the reader, triggering them to acknowledge how important space is to Earth.
* I’d encourage you to be even more specific when you’re offering an analysis. How does ‘space is not that far away’ translate to the idea that space is important? The connection isn’t quite clear. Instead, what you could say is how she is highlighting that space is not ‘out of reach’ as many believe, and so, we should be exploring space if it’s ‘right there’.


Yergon expands her argument to implying how dreams can be achieved, depicted by the visual of the ship explored by “The great explorer Christopher Columbus”. The image is designed to show how a voyage on a ship represents how space exploration could become achievable in a similar vein. The choppy waves shown under the ship asserts that exploring his dream was difficult, but was accomplished in the end. The most salient aspect of the visual however is the surface area of the moon leading the reader to realize that space exploration is not as unachievable as it seems to be.
* Excellent.

Having prompted the revelation of what space exploration brings, Yergon begins her body in serious fashion seeking to connect emotions and logic as she portrays to her readers of how space exploration is not described in one way, but that there is a deeper meaning to the objective. To first making the reader appreciate Earth and then moreover, drive them to praise the efforts of the astronauts, who have ‘taken the risk’ to capture a ‘different perspective’ of Earth, the writer utilizes the positive connotative and alliterative phrase ‘beautiful blue planet’ to commemorate the ‘admir[ation]’ of ‘Earth’ as she implies that without these ‘astronauts exploring beyond Earth’, no one would realize how ‘beautiful’ the place ‘we call home’ is.
* I find that there’s a lot of evidence here but not an analysis. Readers of your essay may be confused with the point you’re trying to make.

This confronts the reader to believe that it is only with everyone’s help, the idea could become achieved.
* Be careful with word choice. To confront somebody is to face them in a hostile manner - and this isn’t what she’s doing. Replace with another word that will be more fitting for the context

... without backing them with all the equipment they need just like what the Government is currently doing, space exploration won’t be a success.
* Excellent! This is what was needed in your contention, as I mentioned earlier.

I hope this helps! Good luck!

[dream chaser]

Thank you so much for the feedback. I'll take it on board. Much appreciated.