VCE Stuff > AN’s Language Analysis Club

2019 AA Club - Week 1

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peachxmh:

--- Quote from: Anonymous on January 11, 2019, 04:23:40 pm ---(Only an introduction and the first body paragraph):

An increase of fatalities on Australian beaches raises concern and awareness for the safety of the nation’s beach-goers. Whilst employing an authoritative tone, a volunteer lifeguard Nicola Philp attempts to convey their contention in their letter to the editor that beach-goers should be more vigilant and attentive when being active on beaches.

Philps argues that parents need to take the initiative to secure the safety of their children amongst the shores. Mentioning that the flags only have a use of being a “free babysitting service” attempts to emphasise that parents are too careless when it comes to supervising their children on beaches, which is seen as a major factor that contributes into the rise of deaths due to drownings. This helps to strike guilt and a sense of responsibility into parents, particularly to frequent beach-goers, and thus make readers take corrective actions to ensuring the safety of their children. Additionally, this is further complimented using direct language from the phrase “you are your child’s primary lifeguard.” The words “you” and “your” continuously reiterates the lack of awareness in parents among beaches, which ultimately seeks readers to feel more involved when it comes to preventing dangers arising to their children.



Also I would like to ask what is the key to easily finding 3 main argument points in a piece that is short as this weeks one. I always having trouble to find what to write my body paragraphs about in a short amount of time.

--- End quote ---

Intro:
I think "has raised" would be a better way of putting it rather than "raises", as the issue was already previously brought up Royal Life Saving Australia (as mentioned in the background info). Not sure if it's a letter to the editor, I think it's actually an opinion piece, but it's not really clear, so don't worry too much about this. Great contention! Wondering if you could flesh out your intro a bit more by talking about the target audience.

1st paragraph:
Topic sentence is good! I don't think she's saying that parents need to be more aware of their children on the shores but rather when they're in water. Also, she's not saying that the flags are solely used for babysitting, but rather parents are using them to babysit their children in addition to how other people at the beach use them (i.e. other people may choose to swim within the flags as it's safer for them), if that makes sense. "Is an attempt to emphasise" would be a better way to phrase "attempts to emphasise" which sounds a little awkward. I don't think she explicitly mentions that unsupervised children are a major factor of drownings, although she does imply this - I would be a bit careful with how you phrase this. Rest of the paragraph is fine :)

As for your question, usually arguments are separated into distinct paragraphs, or under subheadings so I'd look out for these if they're present in the text. Otherwise, I think constantly exposing yourself to articles and asking yourself, "What are the author's main arguments here?" would allow you to get better at recognizing these arguments, and to get quicker at it.

Pretty good start overall, and kudos to you for taking initiative by participating in this club!

MissSmiley:

--- Quote from: peachxmh on January 11, 2019, 06:19:48 pm ------

In an opinion piece written by Nicola Philp, the issue of an increase in drownings across Australia has been raised. Technically, Nicola's piece hasn't raised the issue, she's only making a stance on the issue. These are the fine things assessors really want you to consider! Philp, herself a volunteer lifeguard at Apollo Bay, and therefore, personally affiliated with the issue, really great to mention this! However, this is great for the first body para -- on how the author 'constructs' or 'sets up' their argument. So this doesn't need to go into the intro :) contends that beachgoers should take greater responsibility for themselves, rather than completely relying on others beach lifesaversto ensure their safety. Targeting parents I used to say 'targeting' at the start of the year as well, but later my teacher told me it just felt really harsh haha! as if a gun or bullet targeting and shooting someone haha! So just 'She addresses parents...' would do the job just fine!  ;Dwho bring their children to beaches as well as other general beachgoers, she employs a frustrated really? how about earnest or authoritative? tone to convey her concern.

The author argues that beachgoers need to be increase their awareness of the correct ways to use beaches safely. Her use of the phrase "volunteer surf lifesavers" highlights her contention you've said on the previous line what the author's contention is, so this next line about goodwill doesn't really link to the first line of your para.by drawing readers'  attention to the fact that lifeguards are doing their job out of their own goodwill. This causes readers to question why parents can't take on their own responsibilities while others can. Be careful to not deviate from proving the first line of your para. how is this linked to her contention? By establishing herself as one of these " volunteer surf lifesavers", Philp also shows readers that she is a credible source of information, since she has witnessed the conditions at Australian beaches firsthand...something like 'In turn, readers are likely to take her incredulity and earnest tone seriously'...or something. Just felt a bit unfinished. She then attacks This is really strong and speculative. Don't worry, everyone does this at the start of the year! But let's aim to write things like 'she aims to condemns' or 'she aims to suggests' or other synonyms for 'aims' those who she's not attacking or criticising the people, but she's critiquing the action - drinking alcohol and swimming. I know what you mean, but this is where reading the article again comes handy! go to the beach whilst intoxicated, labelling them not the people, but the action " diabolical"  and citing the dangers that can happen to even those sober. Through her inclusion of logos and statistical evidence, "12 drownings in Victoria" and "50 nationally", she backs up her assertions and gains credibility.When you see authors using numbers, a way to stand out with your analyses is look at if the numbers increase or decrease. In this case, it's a 'numerical increase.' Therefore, she's widening the intensity of the deaths - firstly from a state level then on a national level. What's the effect? Makes us feel even scared and worried! So whilst your analysis about 'backs up her assertions and credibility' is correct to some extent, make sure you think out of box and don't analyse just generally! :)That Awkward way to start a sentence. Could you go like 'By suggesting that...she aims to imply..." she suggests "various organisations" have tried to educate beachgoers about "safe water use" implies that those still not following these guidelines are simply refusing to listen. As a result, Philp alleges that people going to the beach should not only make themselves more knowledgeable on water safety issues, but also follow these rules. I like the next point here, but it would be really great if you break this sentence and then use the next point as your 'intended effect and action' sentence. So, something like: 'Beachgoers, after being reminded of a potential sense of responsibility, are likely to then take the many previously circulated public campaigns about water safety seriously.' Now you've got the intended action sentence as well, which I've mentioned later on in this feedback. But you've done a good linking sentence! (often it's forgotten by many at the end of their paras!) as from the many public campaigns previously circulated, most beachgoers should be aware of safety guidelines surrounding their use of water.

Philp then goes on to criticize parents who take advantage of lifeguards and safety measures at beaches, without thinking of their own actions. this is a bit harsh. So could you write Philp's second argument something like: 'Philp then proceeds to coax beachgoers to stay alive to dangers in the water, rather than solely relying on lifeguards.' She specifically targets those that put their children in "between the flags" to use them as a "free babysitting service" you need to continue to analyse the intended effect of this in a new sentence. Don't end with just quoting, make sure you really pull apart the effect. 'Free babysitting service' is a great quote to analyse because you can talk about connotations! Perhaps you could say that calling it this is aimed to spur anger amongst lifeguards because they're dedicating their time and efforts to ensure safety, but this is only taking place one-sided! Remember, lifeguards are also a group in Nicola's audience! You've gotta think about all the stakeholders! On the other hand, calling the flags 'free babysitting service' connotes the idea that parents are negligent and so self-absorbed that they fail to take care of their child on beach. Thus, parents are made to feel guilty. See how I've continued this thread? What --> how ----> why   and shows her disapproval by saying she is "astounded" by such people. Through her description of Johanna beach's water as "pounding surf", she alerts them that the flags can give a "false sense of security", as the contrast between the domineering nature of "pounding" and the littleness of a child is significantly different. I get what you mean, however, you're jumping too quickly!!  :D Just slow down and think, is there really a connection  the pounding surf and children? She's saying that the surfs are dangerous for everyone! Not just children! So let's read the article really carefully and try not to make long connections from one thing to something else! Gets confusing for your teacher and assessor! The author again uses contrasting of this nature in her anecdote of avoiding putting her toe into the surf, when she references the power of the waves to "pop up and sweep" it away. Again, the powerfulness of the waves is shown to be starkly different from her toe's power to withstand them, due to its small size. By claiming that even a toe could not withstand such waves, readers are led to question why anyone would leave their child unsupervised in the water. I feel like you're over analysing things haha! Don't worry, this happens with everyone in the beginning! Don't really complicate things, and prioritise what evidence you'll quote. I've tried to write a comment about this below in blue as well. Philp's insinuation that children are extremely vulnerable in the waters at beaches is a means of discouraging parents from being overly reliant on lifeguards and flags, and not additionally supervising their children themselves. this is excellent! Wanted to see this right at the start though!! And then when you signpost this in the beginning, you'll automatically see evidence to only prove this point! That'll make sure you pick only relevant evidence! This last line is excellent, because you pinpointed one of Philp's argument! However, just like this is a linking sentence, it should also have been in your first few sentences! :)

The opinion piece is Not needed. Philp concluds with the statement that whilst "no lifeguard wants anyone to drown", they cannot be solely liable for a child's safety as parents are their "child's primary lifeguard". Her concluding statement "you are your child's primary lifeguard" this is repetitive and notice how you're not analysing, but just summarising. I've written about this later. is a call to arms for parents to heed her advice, which she aims to achieves through appearing to aim her remarks at individual readers, via the personal pronouns "you" and "your" Ultimately, Philp contends that ensuring their own safety in water through adjusting their behaviour What do you mean? through being cautious? should be at the forefront of beachgoers' minds.

--- End quote ---
Hi peachxmh!

Great effort! I really like how you focus on argument construction at times - by this, I mean how Nicola presents herself, how she makes use of the credentials and how her flabbergasted style contributes to the overall mood. I could definitely see a few of these things in your analysis, which is great!

With your structure though, I do feel you jump around, in that you do a good job in pinpointing the argument in your first sentence of a para, and then you sort of move to talk about other evidence that doesn't necessarily prove the argument of the writer. That's why when you insert things about author's writer's credibility as well, it just feels a bit loose because things don't somehow link together. So, let's see how we can work on having a strong structure that could potentially be used for any pieces of articles:
1. Your first para --> could dedicate to argument construction - for example, analysing how the writer sets up their credibility, do they concede? have they employed a prebuttal? what's the intended effect?
2. Your second para --> first sentence should always signpost one of the arguments.
3. Within each para, select 3 pieces of evidence. Let's do this! Just stick to using 3 or 4 at the most for now. For each piece of evidence, get a point, quote comment cycle going.
What ---> how --> why
A description of the chickens as being "slaughtered", "butchered" and "maimed" is likely to provoke a strong sense of sympathy and injustice, particularly amongst readers who are sensitive to animal rights and are therefore more likely to empathise with the chickens or feel an aversion towards such acts of cruelty.

See how this is such a disciplined method which won't go wrong at all? You're ticking off absolutely everything, when you follow these three golden things!!
You can change the order to mix things up as well! So for example how ---> what ---> why.
If you notice your sentences getting long, just break these these things into two first and then the why later for example. Although I do like that you're varying the length of your sentences!

In terms of picking relevant evidence, try and pick evidence that directly links to proving an argument. For example, one argument in this week's piece was how the waters can be really dangerous for example. This can go into the first body para. A great way to set up the scene for your analysis!
So I'd pick these three evidences to prove this point:
1. adding alcohol into the mix is diabolical.
2. 12 drownings in Victoria this summer, and 50 nationally.
3.  a wave can pop up and sweep you off the shelf
Doing the what, how, why cycle for each of the three pieces of evidence will form such a strong para that includes very little summarising but really great connotative analysis!
So, do you see how one or two word quotes like "safe water use" "various organisations" and "between the flags" doesn't really provide any opportunities to analyse? Best to not quote things if you're not gonna flesh them out! And vice versa, if you quote something, make sure to talk about it!  :D

But, you're already making sure to include so many great things!! Definitely a great shot for the first week!
Following this cycle and strengthening your structure will really make your analysis shine through, peachxmh!

I'm really looking forward to reading your writing and seeing you progress!!   :D
I hope this helps!

MissSmiley:
Hello AAnalysers!!

Firstly, I'd like to say a huge Well done to all those who are getting involved with AA -- whether it be by writing or giving feedback!!
It's so so great to see lots of writing happening and this is only the first week! Definitely shows how the Class of 2019 is so dedicated towards their English studies! Everyone deserves a pat on the back, I reckon!!  :D

Just a few replies, a few suggestions and my thoughts in this post:

@addict:
 I'm not sure if I'm qualified to give feedback as an EAL kid, but I rather miss doing language analysis so I'll have a go.
Hey addict!
Firstly, a massive congratulations on your 50 and your incredible ATAR!! You should be really proud of yourself! :)
Of course you can give feedback!! Every piece of feedback is so so useful for the person whose work is on here and also for others who want to read feedback!
You're immensely talented and you've got a fantastic experience from doing AA in EAL as well!
Also, this applies to everyone reading this!! Everyone is very very welcome to practice writing and/or give feedback here! :)

Also I would like to ask what is the key to easily finding 3 main argument points in a piece that is short as this weeks one. I always having trouble to find what to write my body paragraphs about in a short amount of time.
Hi!
Because this is the first week, I've kept the piece this short. I was just wanting people to get in the zone, get used to doing AA once again for their final year, that's why I didn't want to go too hard in the first week.
You're right though, finding arguments in a piece this short is hard, but make sure you know that VCAA could very well give you a second piece that is this short! Things like a short comment or a set of very short comments is common, so it's good to get used to different lengths of pieces!
You do not need to find 3 arguments for every single piece you're given! For an article this short, 1 or at the most 2 arguments is all you need to track and then analyse how they have been developed.
As with time, I always stuck to finding 2 or 3 good pieces of evidence to quote from the piece, obviously the first piece, which is usually longer, you'd need more, but stick to max 4 pieces of evidence per para. Your focus should be on analysing argument, therefore, your analysis should be devoted time. And if you follow the what --> how ---> why intended effect cycle, you'll find you'll be ok with time management!

@peachxmh
A/N: MissSmiley, just wanted to alert you that the article appears cut off from the original article online (unless it was intentional to make it shorter or something in which case I apologise!) Also wondering whether it's possible to put the title and source of the article, as well as when it was published so we can include these details in our essays? Thanks   
Great pickup peachxmh!
Same as above, I wanted to start off the first week with a short sweet 2 argument piece, therefore I had to take small paras and put them together into a small comment-like size article!
Don't worry though! They'll get bigger as the weeks progress!  ;)
I'll start adding in visuals as well, as embedding visual analysis is very important!
And yes, I'll put the title, source + the date every week as well, for those who want to practice writing their intros as well.

One last note to everyone, please don't feel obliged to write a full fledged AA essay every time! Judging how much you should write is very very important, depending on the length of the article you're given!
Writing heaps for only a small article is going to take up valuable time which you'll need for analysing the longer article in your exam book!

Also, I'd like to end this post with a link to a fantastic page on our lovely, magnificent, highly incredible ATARNOTES forums:

https://atarnotes.com/forum/index.php?topic=164755.0

This is an incredibly useful page and I highly recommend everyone to explore the links and to really sink in the knowledge that so many generous AN users have put together for this community to learn and progress!

Thanks a lot to everyone who contributed, it's amazing how talented and dedicated you are to your English studies!!  :)

Feel free to ask any questions about the club or just anything about AA!  ;D

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