VCE Stuff > AN’s Language Analysis Club

2019 AA Club - Week 1

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addict:

--- Quote from: Anonymous on January 09, 2019, 08:54:43 pm ---this is only the intro and bp 1

In response to a recent report regarding an increase in drownings across the nation, there has been growing discussion within the community as to the role people should play in the safety of their families and themselves at beaches. One such response comes from Nicola Philp, a volunteer lifeguard at Apollo Bay beach. In her [i have no idea what this text type is called] comment, Philp targets beachgoers, as well as parents, suggesting that the latter be more proactive in keeping their children safe.

Employing a concerned(?) tone, Philp argues that parents should not rely solely on lifeguards to watch their children. She begins by immediately establishing herself as a credible source of information, through the use of the personal 'I'. Philp then proceeds to discuss the [danger] of beaches, "despite" the presence of "thousands of... lifesavers". "[A]stounded]" by those who "use the flags as a free babysitting service", Philp warns parents to reconsider the ramifications of this "false sense of security", so misleading that it has resulted in a number of drownings. In an attempt to further exploit parental inhibitions, she states that they are "no guarantee" of safety; they are only "fairly safe". Reaffirming this notion, Philp places the onus on parents. with the call to action to be their "child's primary lifeguard", thus instilling a sense of responsibility within them. As such, readers may well be inclined to heed Philp's advice, considering her insights as a lifeguard.

--- End quote ---

Good to see so many of you starting on English so early! It's one of the subjects people neglect the most.

Intro:
- I'm pretty sure this is a letter to the editor, but it's usually in the background information in a formal assessment.
- The only statement you made about the author's aim is suggesting parents be "more proactive in keeping their children safe". Please state the contention, ie. something along the lines of [everyone should be vigilant around beaches]. If you wish to mention the main points you will focus on in your body paragraph, either mention all of them or none, not just one.
- While this is not necessary, you could mention that the author is using an authoritative tone to target the stakeholders you mentioned. That last sentence seems to lack a bit of detail.

Body:
- Only present evidence that somehow supports your analysis. Don't quote just to paraphrase the article. Summarise what the author is trying to say in your own words to show understanding, then move onto your original analysis, focusing on the specific affect on the reader. An example from you:

Philp then proceeds to discuss the [danger] of beaches, "despite" the presence of "thousands of... lifesavers". "[A]stounded]" by those who "use the flags as a free babysitting service", Philp warns parents to reconsider the ramifications of this "false sense of security", so misleading that it has resulted in a number of drownings.

Try to summarise one of the author's arguments succinctly, then provide a detailed analysis of it:
Philip then proceeds to argue that beaches are dangerous in spite of the safety measures in place, (the author's argument) as evident from her acknowledgement of the presence of "thousands of... lifesavers". She deploys humour in her description of the flags as a "free babysitter service" in an attempt to ridicule parents who do not actively supervise their children on the beach, inclining parent readers to reconsider the appropriateness of trusting simple inanimate objects with the sophisticated yet important task of ensuring the safety of their children.(evidence presented along with my/your analysis)

Again, good work guys! Do keep it up!

Anonymous:
Disclaimer: all my feedback is just personal experience with feedback I've gotten from teachers/tutor. If anyone thinks my interpretation isn't correct, please feel free to correct. ;D


--- Quote from: Anonymous on January 09, 2019, 08:54:43 pm ---this is only the intro and bp 1

In response to a recent report regarding an increase in drownings across the nation, there has been growing discussion within the community as to the role people should play in the safety of their families and themselves at beaches. One such response comes from Nicola Philp, a volunteer lifeguard at Apollo Bay beach. In her [i have no idea what this text type is called] comment, Philp targets beachgoers, as well as parents, suggesting that the latter be more proactive in keeping their children safe.

Concise which is always nice!  :P However, I want you to focus more on your contention....--> see end of feedback

Employing a concerned(?) tone (I'm not that great with tonal words but I wouldn't say concerned, more along the lines of condeming), Philp argues that parents should not rely solely on lifeguards to watch their children. She begins by immediately establishing herself as a credible source of information, through the use of the personal 'I'. *1*.Philp then proceeds to discuss the [danger] of beaches, "despite" the presence of "thousands of... lifesavers". "[A]stounded]" by those who "use the flags as a free babysitting service", Philp warns parents to reconsider the ramifications of this "false sense of security", so misleading that it has resulted in a number of drownings. *2* In an attempt to further exploit parental inhibitions, she states that they are "no guarantee" of safety; they are only "fairly safe". *3* Reaffirming this notion, Philp places the onus on parents. with the call to action to be their "child's primary lifeguard", thus instilling a sense of responsibility within them . As such, readers may well be inclined to heed Philp's advice, considering her insights as a lifeguard. *4*

--- End quote ---

*1*
Okay, you are absolutely right! But when you bring something up, you want to always explain the intended effect.

*2*
Okay, so we have these two lines that you are analysing
-"So far we’ve had 12 drownings in Victoria this summer, and 50 nationally. And this is despite the attempts from various organisations to educate people about safe water use."
From this first line, she's kind of saying ...how the heck do we have so many people drowning even tho we have heaps of organisations promoting safe water use?? From this, she's kind of criticising people for being ignorant. Again, this condemnation is reinforced thru the second line, especially through the phrase "free babysitting service". How are parents portrayed through that phrase? Hint: She's saying parents have to be their child's "primary lifeguard" but babysitting is when the parent isn't really around...
-"astounded at how many people use the flags as a free babysitting service...false sense of security"


*3*
Doesn't make sense.

*4**
Yep but also put yourself in these parent shoes. Notice how she strategically places this call of action after describing the waves as something that can "pop up and sweep you off the shelf". As a result, parents may feel a sense of fear/concern for their children's safety. OR parents may take on responsibilities because they don't want to be labelled as an ignorant parent.
Overall:
This is definitely a good effort, even for posting on the holidays! Here's some things I want you to tackle:
- Introduction/ Contention: Try to be more specific with your contention rather than broad. Depending on the piece, I like to sometimes write her intended effect. Basically, what is the author trying to get her/his readers to do. In this piece, you might touch on how she critiques the general public for being ignorant, trying to get the public to be more informed, parents to be parents.
-Worthy-quotes:You picked out these quotes which is very good! but in the next piece, do the same but this time, analyse the connotations and effect of these phrases. This will allow for deeper analysis --> more quality piece.
- Write more about effect on specific reader.
Good job! Keep at it and you will see tremendous improvements over the year.  ;)

vceme:
Ah of course I forget to click the not anonymous button but guys, get on this! Practice is key to improving in English!

Anonymous:
(Only an introduction and the first body paragraph):

An increase of fatalities on Australian beaches raises concern and awareness for the safety of the nation’s beach-goers. Whilst employing an authoritative tone, a volunteer lifeguard Nicola Philp attempts to convey their contention in their letter to the editor that beach-goers should be more vigilant and attentive when being active on beaches.

Philps argues that parents need to take the initiative to secure the safety of their children amongst the shores. Mentioning that the flags only have a use of being a “free babysitting service” attempts to emphasise that parents are too careless when it comes to supervising their children on beaches, which is seen as a major factor that contributes into the rise of deaths due to drownings. This helps to strike guilt and a sense of responsibility into parents, particularly to frequent beach-goers, and thus make readers take corrective actions to ensuring the safety of their children. Additionally, this is further complimented using direct language from the phrase “you are your child’s primary lifeguard.” The words “you” and “your” continuously reiterates the lack of awareness in parents among beaches, which ultimately seeks readers to feel more involved when it comes to preventing dangers arising to their children.



Also I would like to ask what is the key to easily finding 3 main argument points in a piece that is short as this weeks one. I always having trouble to find what to write my body paragraphs about in a short amount of time.

peachxmh:
A/N: MissSmiley, just wanted to alert you that the article appears cut off from the original article online (unless it was intentional to make it shorter or something in which case I apologise!) Also wondering whether it's possible to put the title and source of the article, as well as when it was published so we can include these details in our essays? Thanks :)

Also to anyone reading this, only wrote two body paragraphs, because of the size of the article, wondering if that's okay? And any detailed feedback on my piece is appreciated, thank you very much for taking time out of your day to read and correct this.

---

In an opinion piece written by Nicola Philp, the issue of an increase in drownings across Australia has been raised. Philp, herself a volunteer lifeguard at Apollo Bay, and therefore, personally affiliated with the issue, contends that beachgoers should take greater responsibility for themselves, rather than completely relying on others to ensure their safety. Targeting parents who bring their children to beaches as well as other general beachgoers, she employs a frustrated tone to convey her concern.

The author argues that beachgoers need to be increase their awareness of the correct ways to use beaches safely. Her use of the phrase "volunteer surf lifesavers" highlights her contention by drawing readers'  attention to the fact that lifeguards are doing their job out of their own goodwill. This causes readers to question why parents can't take on their own responsibilities while others can. By establishing herself as one of these " volunteer surf lifesavers", Philp also shows readers that she is a credible source of information, since she has witnessed the conditions at Australian beaches firsthand. She then attacks those who go to the beach whilst intoxicated, labelling them " diabolical"  and citing the dangers that can happen to even those sober. Through her inclusion of logos and statistical evidence, "12 drownings in Victoria" and "50 nationally", she backs up her assertions and gains credibility. That she suggests "various organisations" have tried to educate beachgoers about "safe water use" implies that those still not following these guidelines are simply refusing to listen. As a result, Philp alleges that people going to the beach should not only make themselves more knowledgeable on water safety issues, but also follow these rules as from the many public campaigns previously circulated, most beachgoers should be aware of safety guidelines surrounding their use of water.

Philp then goes on to criticize parents who take advantage of lifeguards and safety measures at beaches, without thinking of their own actions. She specifically targets those that put their children in "between the flags" to use them as a "free babysitting service", and shows her disapproval by saying she is "astounded" by such people. Through her description of Johanna beach's water as "pounding surf", she alerts them that the flags can give a "false sense of security", as the contrast between the domineering nature of "pounding" and the littleness of a child is significantly different. The author again uses contrasting of this nature in her anecdote of avoiding putting her toe into the surf, when she references the power of the waves to "pop up and sweep" it away. Again, the powerfulness of the waves is shown to be starkly
different from her toe's power to withstand them, due to its small size. By claiming that even a toe could not withstand such waves, readers are led to question why anyone would leave their child unsupervised in the water. Philp's insinuation that children are extremely vulnerable in the waters at beaches is a means of discouraging parents from being overly reliant on lifeguards and flags, and not additionally supervising their children themselves.

The opinion piece is concluded with the statement that whilst "no lifeguard wants anyone to drown", they cannot be solely liable for a child's safety as parents are their "child's primary lifeguard". Her concluding statement "you are your child's primary lifeguard" is a call to arms for parents to heed her advice, which she achieves through appearing to aim her remarks at individual readers, via the personal pronouns "you" and "your". Ultimately, Philp contends that ensuring their own safety in water through adjusting their behaviour should be at the forefront of beachgoers' minds.

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