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TheBigC's University Journal

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TheBigC:
When I was in my early youth, I primarily reasoned through the use of my innate qualities. I apprehended death, I feared eternity. But it was not just death that I had an intrinsic apprehension toward, I also feared God. From this age, a time of great ignorance, I didn’t have the capacity to question that in which is vehemently believed by my elders.

After all, who am I to question their wisdom?

Who am I to interrogate the values of those who have been on this Earth for nearly a magnitude longer than I?   

I presumed that death meant judgement, and this judgement lead to either an eternity of pain or an eternity of glory. Personally, I find either to be horrific. I loathed the control that an omniscient, all-knowing entity had of me. Does it know my every move, my every action? Is everything an act? A lie? I am not good. Surely God would understand of my incredulity. My slight doubts. My sins. Is thinking possible? Is imminent death my greatest chance of maximal innocence and consequential afterlife glorification? These were all questions I had asked myself very, very young.

It wasn’t until I grew older, maybe around year 1-2 of schooling, that I realised that teachers can be wrong. This sheer quality led me to significant deductions that altered my conceptualisation of life dramatically.

If teachers could be wrong, then adults can be wrong.

I began to question. I began to ask. I began to shrug out of the indoctrinations that had engulfed my very sentiment of reality. It didn’t make any sense. Why does the priest always mention the all powerful essence of God? Why does he mention that God is always good? How is it that these are mentioned within the same paragraph? They are – afterall – paradoxical. This was obvious even to my own juvenile self. If God is all powerful, then He cannot be all good.

Thenceforth, it was made lucid. God is not an entity. He is a construct. He is the embodiment of fear. Of apprehension. We, humans, fear the unknown, eternity, loss, we live in self-preservation. If God exists, then judgement exists, then any act against another human is sin. Then all acts to injure me are sinful. Then I am protected.
 
Adults are wrong. Elders are wrong. Scientists are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Mistakes are made.

So, who am I to trust? Do I trust my parents who want me to be a doctor? Do I trust my gut that seeks more? Who am I to lay my life in MY HANDS? Who am I to be so arrogant as to question the idiocy of humanity?

I know now, existing without God. Faithless. That death and life are but indiscernible. I live nihilistically. The universe has no obligation to make sense to me, nor does it have an obligation to have purpose. Purpose is bullshit. A fallacy. A consolation that is but most unnecessary. As unnecessary as free will. As unnecessary as heaven and hell. I know what happens when I die. I know that what will happen is exactly equivalent to before I was born: nothing. No consciousness to interpret my environment. Nothing to be stimulated. I find this to be the most comforting of all thoughts. Nothing is beauty.

Bri MT:
I've never believed in a deity or followed a religion so I can't relate from that perspective. However I did go through the questioning process of who decides right and wrong?  Am I arrogant enough to have that be me (with all my flaws)?
In the end I decided that although I am fallible I couldn't rely on others - and so after lengthy reflection decided on the values of empathy and determination to guide my life choices. 

These values aren't perfect but they're the best I've been able to come up with so far to guide myself.

I believe that we can create our own meaning and that morality - even when presented through a lens such as scripture - will always require individual interpretation. 


I hope you are able to find some measure of resolution soon; good luck. 

TheBigC:
Well, a lot has happened since I last entered into this journal. It has only been 13 days.

I have enrolled into the Bachelor of Biomedicine. Funnily enough and contrary to popular belief, this is because this degree structure actually gave me MORE flexibility than the Bachelor of Science.

You see, I had wanted to study Biology, Chemistry, Mathematics and Computing in my first year. The BSCI does not allow you to enrol into all of these units, however BBMED does. So, here I am. Undertaking all of these subjects in Biomedicine. As for future study, I do like the prospect of becoming a doctor, however, I personally have strong interests in research, too. I believe espousing all of these skills will be most apposite for my research endeavours, as well as possible clinical endeavours in the not too distant future.

Ha. I have now lived in Melbourne for a month. I honestly can't believe how long I have been away from home: I love the city. I am so darn grateful and excited to live here. It is funny, because - in the process of writing this, I am back at home (been here for only a few hours), with my parents, however, I do not feel at home here. Funnily enough, I want to go back. Back to my real home. I like my old home, but I love my new one. I can't wait to go back.
 

smamsmo22:
Hey!
It's great to hear you're settling into uni life well! What's your favourite thing about Melbourne? (Melburnian since birth over here :P) How have you been spending your last weeks pre-uni? Any interesting realisations/realities in regards to living independently that have surprised you?
Best of luck with the Biomedicine pathway; I'm glad you've found a course where you can study the subjects you'd like to! How are the contact hours looking?

TheBigC:

--- Quote from: smamsmo22 on February 09, 2019, 12:54:09 am ---Hey!
It's great to hear you're settling into uni life well! What's your favourite thing about Melbourne? (Melburnian since birth over here :P) How have you been spending your last weeks pre-uni? Any interesting realisations/realities in regards to living independently that have surprised you?
Best of luck with the Biomedicine pathway; I'm glad you've found a course where you can study the subjects you'd like to! How are the contact hours looking?


--- End quote ---

Hey, what's up Smamsmo!

Honestly, over the past weeks I have mainly spent time investigating my subject's course structures, as well as job prospects. I have done a bit of programming independently, going through languages such as C# and Python. Holistically, it is all a process of discovering where I can rectify and apply my skills to industry or academic settings. Ultimately, the aim is to make as much of an impact on humanity as is possible and thus, I have to ensure that my degree enables for me to fulfill this objective.

In terms of interesting realisations, laundry takes a very, very, very long time (lol!), so not much fun there. Cooking is fine, in fact, I quite enjoy it. In terms of living largely in solitude, that can get somewhat tough (most of my friends live more than an hour from Melbourne), so lots of Netflix (haha!), going to the gym, trying to occupy myself with arbitrary tasks... you know that kind of thing.

Now, onto contact hours. I will go to unimelb every day (which is awesome!). Mondays are about 8 hour days, Tuesday are a lot more chill, however I have a late night practical (past 9pm lol). Crazy stuff. All-in-all, contact hours are looking somewhere along the lines of 20-25 hours per week.

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