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PF's journal

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PhoenixxFire:
So I've been in hospital 3 times this month, each time got progressively more shit.
First one they discharged me the same day and I was back the next day. Then they put me into a ward that had been converted from medical to mental health in under 24 hours and wasn't really any safer than home. Third time they threatened to put me in hdu, supposedly because I wouldn't be safe in short stay, ldu, or calvary, but they didn't detain me and let me go home because that wasn't actually why they wanted to put me in hdu, it was just their cover.
The psych consultant that I saw the second and third time just had it out for me I think. She got angry at me for not looking at her when I don't much look at anyone and also i have a n x i e t y. Then she lied to me then lied about lying to me and walked out of a review because I couldn't decide if I wanted to stay in hospital or go home (neither, i wanted to die, the whole fkn point of me going to hospital is because I can't keep myself safe, that's your job useless doctor.) Then she told the nurse and security guards that I was on an order (turns out I wasn't), told me that I was going to hdu and didn't have a choice (I did because I wasn't on an order) - I was a voluntary patient which means she had to get my consent to be admitted which she didn't do and instead claimed i had no choice in it and that I would be going despite me being *very* clear about not wanting to go.

In amongst all this I was told I wouldn't be getting a case manager then told by staff at the hospital that they were giving me a case manager and they'd been trying to contact me for days - they hadn't. I even showed them my phone records and they still didn't believe me. And this case manager was the person who had managed to call me just fine the previous week to say they weren't giving me a case manager.

In amongst all this the house I was meant to be moving into burnt down. Now i'm moving into a different new place. And landlord kinda hates me cos I told him I don't have pets (I don't) and then told him I wanted to get an assistance dog which he's not happy about but it's a fixed term lease so he can't do shit. Unfortunately new place is still in the catchment area for the shittiest community mh team in canberra so I've entirely given up on the public system.

Yay time to try the private system - oh wait now I have no gp because she left the clinic I was going to and was the only gp at that clinic. Second time in under 12 months that my gp has left. Now I've gotta try and find a third one. Love me some continuity of care. And the list of things I need a doctor to do is growing by the day. There's the referrals for mh services, paperwork for uni, ndis, and (hopefully) getting an assistance dog. Also my meds are not fkn working but I probably need to see a psychiatrist for that. Oh wait I live in Canberra that'll cost me $500 and the nearest appointments will be in 6 months.

So um yeah I'm doing pretty fkn terribly.
And also after the fkn terrible experiences at hospital this year I'm not even sure I want to work in healthcare anymore, and even less so in Canberra. And having that plan was kinda the only thing keeping me anywhere near sane. Funsies.
And also because of terrible times at hospital recently I really really don't want to go back there regardless of how suicidal i get. And at the moment it's bad enough almost every night that I'd otherwise go to hospital. So that's fun. It's really fkn hard to convince myself that there's any point being alive, and the reason that I thought I had for being alive are slipping away. All I want is one single person who's actually on my side and will help me and who I can actually access. Who would have thought that's too much too ask.

PhoenixxFire:
Today has been wild.
I barely slept last night (cos I slept most of the day yesterday) and I woke up way early. I still had shit to pack and I was out of sticky tape and I'm super lazy so I was like I'm gonna get it delivered from the reject shop. Turns out they don't deliver until 10 so fine less lazy now I have to actually go to the shop (still lazy, I took the bus when it's a 10min walk). Got my sticky tape, got home around 9. Coolio movers are coming between 9-12 and they're gonna call beforehand.

Next minute there's a truck reversing into my front yard and it's only 9:30...and I hadn't finished packing oops. Turns out I managed to miss their call, not sure how. So I hurriedly packed the last few boxes, helped them lug it all onto the truck, my fridge and freezer are still full of food that I intended to pack just before they arrived but oh well. Then I had to get an uber over to new place to unlock the door for them and that took 3 attempts because this fkn guy kept accepting it despite being ages away and having a passenger. So then I get to new place, lift heavy boxes yet again, funsies. Make a massive mess of my new room (half my shit is still in the living room).

Bump into one of the people I'm living with who I haven't met yet, say hi and introduce myself, she gives me an awkward smile and doesn't say anything (mood). Continue unloading shit, get a phone call from some legal office, luckily not meant for me.
Realise I need more coat hangers, get a call along the way from a guy at a post office at where I'm already heading about a parcel that doesn't have the street number on it. Buy my coathangers, collect parcel, start to go back home, realise I have a missed phone call, call them back, then go home with very sore feet.

Then I decided to turn my bed around in my room (that was a whole damn endeavour), then Narla's cuteness got too much and I applied to adopt her, then I cleaned all the shit off my bed and put sheets on it, then I gave up on unpacking and decided to eat chips and watch netflix.

I am tired. But in a good way for once. I think that's more shit than I've done for the entire year so far.

PhoenixxFire:
So I haven't actually updated this since I started uni again. I guess I can call it a uni journal again.

I'm incredibly tired today. Just completely and utterly exhausted. And I know why. And it was my own doing. But damn I'm tired.
Going to get my blood sucked again soon to see what my iron is like. It was very low a couple of months ago and I've been on iron supplements since but I suspect it's done fuck all.

I started a new antidepressant in February and the difference it has made is enormous. I've been on the previous one for a year (and am still on it) and damn if I knew that there were meds that actually worked I would have been pushing to try different ones earlier. Being back at uni and actually having things to do is probably helping too but I know that's not all of it because there's been things that previously would have sent me into a whole breakdown that now just make it a shit day.

Being back at uni is nice too. The content is incredibly easy - completely different to when I was at anu. We go through things really slowly here which is at times frustrating - im learning osmosis and diffusion for the 20th time - but it's also good because it means I have time to try and focus on other things.

I still seem to never have any time though. I don't know where it all goes. But I'm getting the things done that I have to do and not hating anything too much (except for when I have to write essays). There's just all these other things that I want to do that I don't have the time (or money) for. Like almost a quarter through the year and I still haven't booked a single driving lesson. But they're expensive and it doesn't feel like a priority because I don't need a car now - but it is a priority because I need my license to be a paramedic.

Uni has been a bit triggering at times. Especially when we're learning about getting consent from patients and patient centered care and all that. I can't help but think how bs it is and how it is never applied in practice, at least not if you're a mental health patient.

IDK I don't think I have much else to say. I didn't get to go for a swim in the acu pool before they closed it cos not summer anymore which I am very sad about. I bought bathers and tried to but it kept being closed for maintenance and also I didn't try until march lol.

Still haven't got a dog. Still want one. But it's just so hard when I'm all alone and it would take up a lot of time that I don't really have.

PhoenixxFire:
Hello.
Life is shit and I am sad and lost. Since I last posted in here my landlord was a massive asshole and essentially kicked me out (and called me a drug addict and gave out my phone number and told my housemates that I have depression which meant they then blamed me for leaving the house a mess even though I didn't).

A few weeks ago I tried to kill myself and ended up in hospital in intensive care. It's not the first time but it was different this time and I have a lot of feelings about it that I can't quite seem to process and no one to talk to about it.

It feels like I don't have anything attaching me to the world at the moment. Not like in a life is meaningless way, more in a nowhere is home kind of way. I've never really had a house that felt like home but I've usually had something that was home, something that I could always return to, an anchor. And I don't think I do anymore.

IDK just feeling a little weird. Getting through each day is hard. And it feels like I can't even take breaks when I need them or take time out to ground myself because I have so much to catch up on and there's so many things that I still need to do, we're almost a quarter of the way through the year and I still haven't booked a single driving lesson. But I'm too busy playing catch up to have time to do the other things that I need to do and I know it's going to create more problems for me later but I can't really put the effort into avoiding next months problems when it takes all of my energy just to deal with todays.

PhoenixxFire:
Uni is just about over for the semester - I have 3 assessments left and if I wasn't in hospital again I would be completely done in a week.

But I'm in hospital again. I knew it was coming. I never recovered enough after the latest suicide attempt to be able to keep on top of things for long.
I'm in the nicest of the 3 public psych wards in canberra (which isn't saying much lol). I've been here for almost 3 weeks.
I missed an essay deadline and my first OSCEs. I've since done the essay and it seems im going to be doing my osce at the end of june instead but that made my first week here even more stressful.

I've got an exam on the 10th, it's online but I'm still not sure how I'm going to do it logistically and also I haven't exactly been able to study. I've got an extension for an essay so it's now due the week after that, I'm trying not to think about that too much just yet.

The doctors are changing my main antidepressant from fluoxetine to venlafaxine (#venlafaxinegang doesn't have quite the same flair :()  Apparently I officially have treatment resistant depression now that I'm on to my 4th drug combo lol.

I forgot that the docs here actually try to help rather than what they do at the other hospital which is just wait for the acute crisis to pass and then discharge you just for it to happen again because they've done nothing to help the underlying issues.
The Drs do seem to be trying. Which is a nice change, I haven't been on this ward for a year and was getting very exhausted by the nonhelp provided at the other ward.

They've been discussing putting me into a residential program again - they suggested the one I was in last year which I flat out refused because it was awful so they said maybe a new one that's similar but run by different people.
They also want me to have a case manager again, which unfortunately is location based so my only option is an org that was fkn awful on my repeated attempts to work with them last year.

I'm feeling a bit better now than a few weeks ago when I first came to hospital, I think it's more because their are actually people trying to help me this time rather than any specific thing they've done. Being in the other hospital often ends up making me feel worse because they always end up saying that my only options are nothing or things I've tried that haven't worked which just makes me feel even more hopeless whereas here they are still trying to come up with new things to try.

I'm a bit annoyed that I've been on fluoxetine for so long when it's been doing nothing, it's also related to TCH not having the capacity for helping properly. Coming off fluoxetine takes a couple of weeks so they just never bothered.

At the moment I'm just stuck in hospital whilst they wait for it to leave my system so they can put me on the new meds. The dr wants me to be a bit better before they send me home but I'm getting a bit sick of being stuck in here (like I know I still need to be here but like I have pakidges accumulating at the post office and I want to pick them up lol). But that's why they're looking at maybe sending me to a res program so that I still have the support but a bit more freedom. Doc said he'd see me again on Monday or Tuesday, so I doubt there's much chance of them letting me out before the end of next week at the earliest. And my exam in on Thursday. I wonder what ProctorU is going to make of me being in hospital and having nurses pop in for a chat and to check on me hourly lol.

I am actually kinda looking forward to the future, which is unusual for me. I think a lot of the time it's more that I just want to stop feeling so horrible but occasionally there's a bit of me that wants to get better so that I'm better not just so that I don't feel like this.

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