HSC Stuff > The HSC Journey Journal
The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
rani_b :
Hey!!
I'm sitting the UCAT too and it's really starting to stress me out as well. I really relate to you about feeling anxious/worried about the timing (I literally just did a practice and went worse then I have ever gone, so that wasn't too great).
But, i can tell that you are really dedicated and working towards set goals - it's hard to ignore that voice in your head, but it's good that you recognise that thoughts like that will only hold you back. So I'm sure you'll go great ;D
Good luck!!
P.S. quantitative reasoning is so hard what even :(
caffinatedloz:
--- Quote from: r1ckworthy on June 19, 2019, 12:23:09 am ---Choosing to let go of anxiety, negativity... That's when I we experience happiness, or experience fulfillment.
But it can be hard to let go of anxiety, depression, all those shitty things. I think that's where meditation comes in. Practicing meditation, to be in silence without thinking, is to remind ourself that we will be fine.
To whomever is reading this, especially those in the midst of chaos, know that it will pass. Don't attempt to block the emotions. Take a deep breath. Cry your heart out. You will feel much better in the future. You will be fine, and you will be alright. Whatever comes your way, anxiety, death, whatever, just keep the knowledge that it will pass.
Know that it will pass.
Know that it will pass.
We must experience the night in order to feel the sunshine.
--- End quote ---
Such profoundness and a great thing to carry into the final week of term. Have loved reading your journal. It's felt really authentic and raw and certainly been a massive encouragement!
Bri MT:
Hey,
I'd personally feel much more comfortable giving a speech to a thousand people than videoing myself and having 30 people see it, so kudos for having the courage to upload when you felt/feel self-concious about it. You might find it hard to believe this, but when I watch the video I see a AN-er having a memorable day with their friends and not a "cringe" person.
I'm not sure if this'll help you, but something that was beneficial to me when I've been very stressed is to replace words like "need" with "should". Eg. Really, it isn't a requirement that you "need" to calm yourself down but you "should" as it will help you. For me, this me helps me see anxiety and stress as something I can work through rather than a terrifying obstacle.
response to spoilerIt seems that there's a part of you that says you aren't good enough (would be surprising if there wasn't given most people have this - and btw it's mistaken) and that it uses test performance as leverage for who it thinks you "should" be. I can tell you now that test performance does not accurately measure how smart you are or how good a doctor you would be. It's more accurate than taking a completely random guess (hence why they use it) but it certainly isn't fully accurate. I did a few UMAT practice questions (back when I was feeling pressure to keep a medical career pathway open) and my worst section was qualitative reasoning even though I've been a high-achiever in STEM for most of my life.
Yeah often it's the people we care most about who we allow to injure us most deeply (even if accidentally). All forms of relationship (friendship, family etc.) can be complicated and it's perfectly understandable to be torn between wanting people in and pushing them away. I don't know enough about your relationships with them to give advice about what lines to draw and where, or if you can can avoid them by communicating your difficulties in the right way, but know that it's ok to struggle with this.
It can be hard to make mindfullness a habit and I wish you best of luck with it - please try not to be too hard on yourself if you forget.
I hope that government house is great - maybe your school saw what we see here: that you're a dedicated and welcoming student who helps others
Edit: fixed bbc code
r1ckworthy:
Hey! Thank you to all who replied. Certainly made my weekend. I know, rani_b, quantitative section is so fucked up ::) ::)
Thanks laura_ for the kind words! Hopefully it all pays off ;D ;D ;D
Big thanks to Bri MT for what you said. I especially resonated about the part with marks and how it does not reflect me as a person. But it can be so damn hard to remember that. I don’t know, right now my eyes are set on this one path of being a doctor and I literally can’t think of any other career that can suit me. I’ll get on to that later.
Firstly, the government house trip was great! First we listened to MPs speak of their journey, and one such MP shouted our school out! Super embarassing since it was two of once in a room of 150 kids from other schools, but it was lit 8). Afterwards, we went to the upper and lower house, where it got especially heated. It was really cool! We ate lunch and then proceeded to the government house. We took a tour, and then chilled outside in the garden for a bit. We then listened to the governer speak, who was Margaret Beazely. It was super formal, like we had to address her as 'Your Excellency' and that kind of shit. Her lecture was alright, but then we went outside again. We chatted with two Syrian refugees, who were super duper nice! One guy wanted to be an actor, and we chatted of films as I used to be very interested in that area. A girl joined our conversation, and she was pretty cool too. Afterwards we went back to school. It was a great day, and one I won't forget. Here's a pic of me standing outside in the garden of government house:
Needless to say, I look pretty sick 8) 8) 8)
I haven't done that much work to be honest, which I need to do more of. Tonight, I went to Eastwood with my family and our neighbours. We went to a Singapore restaurant, which was absolutely great, at least the food. We had crabs and a whole lot of other seafood. Let's just say things got messy ;D
I came home and did some times practice for UCAT. Things are not going to well, and I need to research on how I can improve.
I think with each journal post (like before) I'm going to put a spoiler in which I rang or release something I have been thinking about recentky. Please feel free to skip, absolute not necessary ;D
SpoilerTwo thoughts are dominating me right now. One is that I'm not doing well in terms of academics, and that I need to find new people.
Let's address the first thought first. I'm really worried in terms of marks. My UCQT hasn't gone too well, and it's in two weeks. My average for each section is below or close to the average, which should not be. Plus, I probably won't practice the week after next week, as I'm away to Canberra on a school study camp without access to the internet. I'm deeply worried. I think I need to research on how I can improve tomorrow. Honestly, now that I think about it, I just need to keep practicing and practicing. I guess that's really it. I'm gonna research and see what happens tomorrow.
The second thought. Right now, I feel kind of deprived, if you know what I mean. Or in other words, lonely, like I'm kind of missing something or someone, no matter how cringe that sounds. Like, I really like my friends an all that, but I always feel like needing to release to someone, to have someone to talk to, who's available. I'm craving a close relationship with people, whom I, in the moment, can talk to. And it's kind of hopeless right now, because the only people I kind of know close are at school, where my character is already set in the social spectrum, if you know what I mean. That's why I love AN at the moment. People don't really see me as cringe (hopefully :)) and accept me for who I am. I just wish that people whom I can interact with see me beyond the surface. I wish I could become myself, letting go of my seeming confidence and just be myself in front of someone, an insecure person who needs to let stuff out.
On the other hand, I also wish to help people. I've been trying to do that on AN for sometime, and it really fulfills me. I just wish right now that people in my current life right now will be right there for me right now, and that I can be right there for them at anytime. I wish I can talk to them at any time and they will respond, and they will talk to me and I will talk to them.
It's a really selfish thing to be honest, but I think deep inside I've wanting that to be true. I do realise that no person can fill this role, but I wish there would be someone to whom I can instantly release. I've tried to do this in the past, but what people say usually is 'ill be there for you' instead of just listening. And it's so hard to tell them of what I've been thinking as well. It's really hard to reveal to someone of what I am feeling.
Sometimes, I feel like this is the right way to go, to be alone and go through these experiences alone, in order to grow stronger. But I feel like needing someone by my side as well. I don't know.
I've been telling my friends about this, and they've told me to get into a relationship with someone. But who!?!? I'm perfectly available to be honest, but there is no one whom I have resonated with or known other than school friends :-[ :-[ :-[. That would solve something, perhaps, but the problem is there is no one.
It's this internal struggle I guess I need to face independently. I guess meditation and mindfulness would help, but yeah.
This shit is super embarassing, and it shouldn't be, but it kind of is. Whatever it is, I'm just feeling the need to get to know more people and to make new friends other than those at school. I've post again tomorrow, but I can't really find a solution to this.
So that's been it so far. Hope the post was good!
Peace,
r1ckworthy.
r1ckworthy:
After a marvellous night of counting to 20 before a mod posts, what better to end it than a long overdue journal post? ;D ;D ;D (PS Poet if you're reading this, THANK YOU SO MUCH for making me work, really needed it otherwise things were going to get out of hand ::) ::))
A whole of things have happened since I last posted. Let me break it down:
Study Camp: Honestly, it was a total bore. I wish I could have stayed home and dedicated some intense practice to UCAT (which I will talk about later on) but anyways. My cabin was with friends I roughly alluded to in my previous journal posts. We did some stupid stuff (which I had to apologise for, will tell the story at a later time), and towards the last day, I let my rising anger get the best of my and I got full on triggered at them. I'm usually a very calm person, but I just let loose. Eventually, they figured to stop and apologised to me. At the end, I apologized again for letting my temper get the best of me and we all became happily ever after (not really, but we were okay with each other again :)) Other than that, camp was a huge stretch, and I was never more excited to come home. Some parts of it were pretty good, but I would not go back again.
UCAT: Okay so I came back from camp last Saturday. I was intending to do a mock test on that night, but instead went to bed. On Sunday morning, I completed a mock test on medify. Afterwards, I half procrastinated/ analysed every single wrong question I got (which were a lot) for the verbal reasoning, decision making and situational judgement sections. I ended up making five pages worth of notes. On Monday (yesterday), I started three mock tests but I couldn't bring myself to finish them. I ended up doing a whole bunch of quantitative reasoning questions from the official UCAT website, which I think really influenced my score. My test was scheduled at 8:00 so I took a nap at 5:30 and woke up again at 6:30. I was extremely nervous during the whole day, to say the least, and I really needed a nap. I ate dinner and my dad, my sister and my beautifully drove me to the testing centre. At first I was nervous, but then I become more chill. I spoke to this guy who just graduated last year and who was doing med sci (or some other related degree) and we just talked about a lot of things while we waited. We began our test at 8:45 (maybe a bit later). I think I became a bit too chill,I found myself singing Gangnam style in my head just before I started ::).
After the test, I was kind of laughing because of how bad I did. I predicted to get 400-500 range scores for all subsections (for those who don't know, the UCAT converts all scores of subsections to a scale between 300 and 900). My results are in the spoiler:
UCAT ResultsVerbal Reasoning: High 500's
Decision Making: High 500's
Quantitative Reasoning: 710
Abstract Reasoning: 680
Situational judgement: High 500's
Total score (discounting sit.jdg.): 2500
I was throughly surprised seeing my test scores, especially for QR and AR. In order to get into med, I think from watching other videos I need to get a total score>2800 (in order to get above the 90th percentile) so I am not expecting to receive an offer this year. This test,to be honest, was a bit of a confidence booster because it showed me I have the mental capacity and the 'smarts' to actually do alright in my scores, all I needed to do is just to be thoroughly prepared ;D. I will definitely retake the test next year, hopefully I will do enough preparation to get above 700's in all my subsections.
My future plan after highschool is now to get into an advanced science degree and then transfer to medicine next year, if all goes well. I will make a much thorough plan later, I fully expect no offers for interviews this year. I don't see this as disappointing, I know that it's really hard to get into med, but the point is that I need to keep trying. I have watched videos of people who tried the UCAT FOUR BLOOMING TIMES (in the UK) and they got it. This is just a small bump in my path, so hopefully I keep persevering!!! All I am going to do now is focus on getting a really great ATAR and then we will see how things go from here.
It's 11:30 and I really need to go to sleep :P. I will update in the coming days of what stuff I intend to do over these holidays. Its a shame I can't attend any lectures, as I have extra holiday classes and it is in the city (which is a huge hassle). Also, I plan to do a 'UCAT: lessons I've learned' article here in the UCAT thread, definitely lookout for that. Otherwise, thanks to all who is reading, hope you have had an awesome week so far!
Byeee,
r1ckworthy.
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