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creative writing english

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The Cat In The Hat:

--- Quote ---Even the grass that dreamt of being as tall as city skyscrapers, would lean towards motor blades every Sunday afternoon to become a part of the nicely trimmed lawns.
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Very good! This really does do a good job of saying what you seem to want to say.

--- Quote ---the safe choice
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Also, very good.

--- Quote ---She had lived amongst the unending blandness of it all for nearly two decades, longing for the day she would live in the cramped, lively congestion with the rest of the world. But just as it felt as though it was nearly time to leave, she could already see the train approaching that would force her off to live in a place like this once again. As she surveyed the area she saw, as expected, that nothing had changed. Well, nearly nothing.
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This paragraph is unclear; I'm not sure what is happening.

--- Quote ---Although it wasn’t tuned and the chords were wrong, the sound was right.
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Very good. I really like it.

--- Quote ---Mia felt the urge to chase after the woman. To escape. She didn’t want to be in a place where so few are living. She wanted to dig up her dreams. She wanted her music to be a gift. She wanted to leave. But she couldn’t lift herself from the bench. It was as if someone was holding her down, reminding her that when the audits are in, she needs to prove her worth and to show what she had achieved. By then, it was time for her piano lessons to start and the woman was already gone. Far, far away beyond her reach.
--- End quote ---
Good ending!

Overall, I like this. However, some of it feels (such as the first few sentences) rather forced, as does the ending. I was left feeling slightly confused by what was actually happening. I think if you clean this draft up a little (please take no offense!) and ensure its clarity it will be very powerful.
The theme does feel a little forced through; again, a little change would fix that up nicely.
Hope that helped. If you want more feedback I can give it.

Bri MT:

--- Quote from: jasmine24 on July 22, 2020, 11:41:09 am ---Its actually a poem as I do QCE, but I posted it here as I didnt get any response and I really need feedback because we don't get teacher assistance. I hope you don't mind but if not that's all good :)

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I get why you did that but what I'm going to do — so this isn't a duplicate post — is merge the two posts together. Otherwise the forums could get a bit cluttered with having multiple copies of posts.

jasmine24:

--- Quote from: The Cat In The Hat on July 22, 2020, 12:12:51 pm ---Very good! This really does do a good job of saying what you seem to want to say.Also, very good.This paragraph is unclear; I'm not sure what is happening.Very good. I really like it.Good ending!

Overall, I like this. However, some of it feels (such as the first few sentences) rather forced, as does the ending. I was left feeling slightly confused by what was actually happening. I think if you clean this draft up a little (please take no offense!) and ensure its clarity it will be very powerful.
The theme does feel a little forced through; again, a little change would fix that up nicely.
Hope that helped. If you want more feedback I can give it.

--- End quote ---
When you say it seems at bit forced, do you think I can improve it by making what I want to say more implicit or is it because it doesn’t really flow? Thanks!

The Cat In The Hat:

--- Quote from: jasmine24 on July 22, 2020, 02:18:39 pm ---When you say it seems at bit forced, do you think I can improve it by making what I want to say more implicit or is it because it doesn’t really flow? Thanks!

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It doesn't quite flow, it feels like you have a theme and you're trying to tell that theme - not a story.
But also, making it more implicit would help flow probably.

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