Random Essay I Decided to Write

[brightsky]

                                                                                    小云教我游泳

         小云是我家附近游泳场的游泳老师，也是妈妈多年的朋友。有一天她来我们家做客，不知不觉地谈起了游泳。她说游泳是个百利而无一弊的好运动，即能锻炼全身，使身体变得更强壮，又能增加心肌功能和抵抗能力。我听了以后，积极报名参加了小云的游泳班。
   那天晚上，我在电视上看到了国际的游泳比赛。每个选手都又高又壮，体形十分魁梧。比赛时，他们不仅游得快，游泳的动作和姿势都十分漂亮，好比一条鱼在水里游动。那时，我心里迫不及待地想尽快学好游泳，跟他们一样，身强力壮、体力非凡。
   开学的第一天，我很早就来到了游泳场。那时小云还没到，我自己在水边溜达，看到许多小孩在游泳池里玩耍。我想：到底是游泳，不会有多难吧！ 于是，我就冲冲忙忙地换上了游泳衣，跳了进游泳池里。可是没想到，我在水里一直觉得要往下沉。我不禁的开始挣扎，可越是这样，我就沉得越快。结果我连续喝了几口池水，才被刚达到游泳场的小云救了上岸。 她笑了说：“游泳没有你想的那么容易。想要学会游泳，必须要从零开始。”
   从那天起，我不再贸然下水了；我完完全全听从了小云的教导。她从水里基本的安全知识教起，教到如何在水面上浮动、喘气，怎么在水里游动、跃水以及游泳里的四式等。最初，我每时每刻都需要小云扶着我游，也时常会咽到水。但在小云的精心指导和支持下，我渐渐地学会了自己游泳了。
   在小云教我游泳的过程中，她不仅帮助了我学游泳，更是教会了我一个道理。人一口吃不成一个大胖子。想要学好一门技术一定要慢慢来；成功不是一步就能达到的。


I think it needs to be more cogent, but I don't know how to fix it. Any critique/advice/suggestions appreciated.

[simonhu81292]

my comments are“
as i was reading .... it's like someone telling me a story ... like a 日记, recount.. those types
i think for a SLer....你的词语和表达能力都很不错，我在读的时候也想像到那些画面。
but to be more cogent... what is the main point of this essay?
to tell people that 成功不是一步就能达到的?
 

[brightsky]

Thanks for the reply!

The story's supposed to be a story-telling like story. The main point is to describe the process of someone teaching you something, whatever it may be, but I tried to include a little 寓言into it. Does it make the story irrelevant?

Is there any tips or advice you could give me to improve my essay and/or Chinese essay writing in general? Should I strive to incorperate more 成语?

Thanks again.

[monokekie]

I had some spare time to look at your writing, and made some correction. the sequence of the story is pretty clear, but i think you need to add more details in paragraph three about your feeling. like, "Although the water tasted bitter and i felt very uncomfortable, i was determined to learn how to swim like those swimmers i saw on the TV show that night. Gradually, with the aid of Xiao Yun, i improved a lot. "  by saying this you are linking back to your 2nd paragraph, and providing a link to your conclusion/contention. also, 铁杵磨成针 is probably a better example than 大胖子，lol, i suggest that you do some research on that.

to be honest, your writing is better than many SLers, so well done

                                                                                   小云教我游泳

         小云是我家附近游泳场的游泳老师，也是妈妈多年的朋友。有一天她来我们家做客，我们不知不觉地谈起了游泳。她说游泳是个百利而无一弊的好运动，即能锻炼全身，使身体变得更强壮，又能增加强心肌功能和抵抗能力。我听了以后，便积极报名参加了小云她的游泳班。
   那天晚上，我在电视上看到了一场国际的游泳比赛。每个位选手都又高又壮，体形十分魁梧。比赛时，他们不仅游得快，连游泳的动作和姿势都十分漂亮，好比一条条鱼儿在水里游动。那时，我心里迫不及待地想尽快学好游泳，跟像他们一样，身强力壮、体力非凡。
   开学的第一天，我很早就来到了游泳场。那时小云还没到，我自己在水边溜达，看到许多小孩在游泳池里玩耍。我想：到底不过是游泳，不会有多难吧！ 于是，我就冲冲忙忙匆匆忙忙地换上了游泳衣，跳了进游泳池里。可是没想到，我在水里一直觉得要一到水里就觉得在往下沉。我不禁的开始挣扎了起来，可越是这样，我就沉得越快。结果我连续喝了几口池水，才被刚达到达游泳场的小云救了上了岸。 她笑了着说：“游泳没有你想的那么容易。想要学会游泳，就必须要从零开始。”
   从那天起，我不敢再贸冒然下水了；我完完全全听从了小云的教导。她从水里中基本的安全知识教起，教到如何在水面上浮动、喘气，怎么在水里游动、跃水以及游泳里的四式等。最初，我每时每刻都需要小云扶着我游，也时常会咽到水。但在小云的精心指导和支持下，我渐渐地学会了自己游泳了。
   在小云教我游泳的过程中，她不仅帮助了我学游泳（a bit repetitive here) 进步，更是教会了我一个道理。人一口吃不成一个大胖子。("铁杵磨成针。"would be better here, lol, i like your 大胖子 one though, haha想要学好一门技术一定要慢慢来；成功不是一步就能达到的。

[simonhu81292]

wow...nice
mkk .... you are a pro...
i just skimmed it ...
 

[brightsky]

I had some spare time to look at your writing, and made some correction. the sequence of the story is pretty clear, but i think you need to add more details in paragraph three about your feeling. like, "Although the water tasted bitter and i felt very uncomfortable, i was determined to learn how to swim like those swimmers i saw on the TV show that night. Gradually, with the aid of Xiao Yun, i improved a lot. "  by saying this you are linking back to your 2nd paragraph, and providing a link to your conclusion/contention. also, 铁杵磨成针 is probably a better example than 大胖子，lol, i suggest that you do some research on that.

to be honest, your writing is better than many SLers, so well done

                                                                                   小云教我游泳

         小云是我家附近游泳场的游泳老师，也是妈妈多年的朋友。有一天她来我们家做客，我们不知不觉地谈起了游泳。她说游泳是个百利而无一弊的好运动，即能锻炼全身，使身体变得更强壮，又能增加强心肌功能和抵抗能力。我听了以后，便积极报名参加了小云她的游泳班。
   那天晚上，我在电视上看到了一场国际的游泳比赛。每个位选手都又高又壮，体形十分魁梧。比赛时，他们不仅游得快，连游泳的动作和姿势都十分漂亮，好比一条条鱼儿在水里游动。那时，我心里迫不及待地想尽快学好游泳，跟像他们一样，身强力壮、体力非凡。
   开学的第一天，我很早就来到了游泳场。那时小云还没到，我自己在水边溜达，看到许多小孩在游泳池里玩耍。我想：到底不过是游泳，不会有多难吧！ 于是，我就冲冲忙忙匆匆忙忙地换上了游泳衣，跳了进游泳池里。可是没想到，我在水里一直觉得要一到水里就觉得在往下沉。我不禁的开始挣扎了起来，可越是这样，我就沉得越快。结果我连续喝了几口池水，才被刚达到达游泳场的小云救了上了岸。 她笑了着说：“游泳没有你想的那么容易。想要学会游泳，就必须要从零开始。”
   从那天起，我不敢再贸冒然下水了；我完完全全听从了小云的教导。她从水里中基本的安全知识教起，教到如何在水面上浮动、喘气，怎么在水里游动、跃水以及游泳里的四式等。最初，我每时每刻都需要小云扶着我游，也时常会咽到水。但在小云的精心指导和支持下，我渐渐地学会了自己游泳了。
   在小云教我游泳的过程中，她不仅帮助了我学游泳（a bit repetitive here) 进步，更是教会了我一个道理。人一口吃不成一个大胖子。("铁杵磨成针。"would be better here, lol, i like your 大胖子 one though, haha想要学好一门技术一定要慢慢来；成功不是一步就能达到的。

Wow, thanks for the correction!

I got a question: do you think the way I structured my essay's ok?

[monokekie]

lol, if i were you, i would swap the 1st and the 2nd paragraphs so it looks more logical to me.

i think your structure is overally pretty clear, and your main contention is plain to see. However, not quite consistent thoughout the entire essay, your first paragraph seem to be talking about how good swimming is as a sport - but i personally think talking about(Xiao Yun says) how much effort envolves in learning swimming would be better in terms of linking to your conclusion

[brightsky]

lol, if i were you, i would swap the 1st and the 2nd paragraphs so it looks more logical to me.

i think your structure is overally pretty clear, and your main contention is plain to see. However, not quite consistent thoughout the entire essay, your first paragraph seem to be talking about how good swimming is as a sport - but i personally think talking about(Xiao Yun says) how much effort envolves in learning swimming would be better in terms of linking to your conclusion

Ahh ok. I was intending it to be some kind of story, with the first paragraph as a precursor to why I started swimming in the first place. But your suggestion works better. :p