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Chinese Essay - critique appreciated

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brightsky:
在动物王国的一天
             
             今天我为了一些微不足道的事跟父母怄气，把自己关在房间里。我闷闷不乐地把电视打开，电视里正播放着《动物世界》。
         看着看着，我忽然感到一股力量把我拉进了电视。周围的一切一下子变得一片朦胧。等我清醒过来，我发现自己正站在一片广阔的草原上。无数的小鹿、斑马、长颈鹿在草原上悠闲地散布、吃草、奔跑、玩耍。一条弯弯曲曲的小溪横跨着草原，几头大象正在水中戏水。我恍然大悟，原来我来到了动物王国。
         我正欣赏着眼前的美景，一只老虎突然从远处跑来，动物们都四散逃命。我跟着小鹿跑进了一个茂密的森林。眼看老虎就要追上来了，我忽然看见前面有一个小山洞，慌不择路地躲了进去。因为洞口小，老虎进不来。等我转过身去，发现老虎还在洞外徘徊。我害怕极了，只好呆在山洞里不出来。
         天慢慢地暗了下来。山洞里也渐渐变得又黑又冷。我已整天没吃东西了，肚子饿得直响。这时，我想起了家，想起了妈妈做的饭，想到父母对我的保护和关爱。我后悔不该跟父母怄气。
   这时，一切又模糊了起来，转眼功夫我又回到了熟悉而温暖的卧室里。我发现父母正着急不安地站在门前。我哭着跑到了爸爸妈妈的身边，把他们紧紧地抱在怀里……

jayfan:
original and interesting! good enough in my opinion

charliemei123:
wowwww >.< did you do this for  ur outcome last week???

brightsky:
nah, this is something else. :)

I failed the outcome. Ask jx. :p

charliemei123:
WOW hahaha what did you get for your outcome?? my teacher was harsh with the marking: she gave 17/20 as the highest and then it was 15/20 and then the rest did really really bad..this essay is really good btw, is it hw or did you do it just for fun....

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