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[English] "cage fighting is a virtuous sport" language analysis

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schmalex:

--- Quote from: werdna on February 13, 2011, 12:49:44 am ---Harsh much? It wasn't THAT bad. It was a good essay.

--- End quote ---

If all you say is "good essay", nobody learns anything. You need to point out what's bad, or there's nowhere to improve.

werdna:
That was in response to the score Water gave. I know that my comment wasn't 'useful' by any means. I'm too tired to mark anything. :P

cltf:
Thanks guys, really insightful, and sorry for not following what the coordinator set.

schmalex:

--- Quote from: werdna on February 13, 2011, 12:58:31 am ---That was in response to the score Water gave. I know that my comment wasn't 'useful' by any means. I'm too tired to mark anything. :P

--- End quote ---

Oh okay then. I wasn't sure if you were saying the criticism was harsh. I wouldn't worry about rankings too much at this point anyway, I find they just freak you out.

HERculina:
Hm, i actually think this work is worth a bit more than 3-4/10. maybe 5?  :angel:
The first line of your intro was a big no-no. Rhetorical q. made it sound like you was the one writing an opinion article :/
you're meant to ANALYSE not persuade us. I think for an intro you should at least include author's contention, the audience, wider issue of the article, title of piece youre analysing...

The second paragraph was OK, but it felt like you was just listing quotes, because you had to.
And i noticed that you kept repeating "Young uses", "Young attempts", "Young blabla..."
Instead of writing the persons name, maybe just write "the writer" in a few parts to vary word choice.
Your conclusion was also too short. It was only a single sentence :/
a conclusion should at least be two lines long.

You need to analyse the techniques into A LOT MORE DETAIL. Overall, i thought your expression and vocab was quite good (high average) but the structuring of it put you down. Maybe read some of the work in the English Work Examples and Directory (http://vce.atarnotes.com/forum/index.php/topic,8375.0.html). This helped me understand how to write an essay.

I read your Wikileaks speech beforehand and i thought it was GREAT. So ye, just work on your structuring of writing a language analysis cause i think you have potential to improve throughout the year :)

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