Damn, so refreshing to see someone who sees through all that bullshit. Funny, cos we're the weird ones for not caring about those three things.
Gl with year 12
I'm just about to check out your journal, started a bit yesterday, really enjoyed it! Very, very true. All the best for Year 12 for you too. Hope you stick around over here in this crazy place where I'm about to vent more about that lol.
yep all those people are just not worth your effort or time, you wouldn’t care so much about trash right? but we focus on them until their true colours and nature are exposed for what they really are, there isn’t anything spectacular about them, nothing great even, they aren’t stunning and hot and pretty, but they crave hearing that from people, why do they cake their faces in makeup and we think look at us, look at them, there is so much pressure and desire to be beautiful, when underneath the makeup, they are nothing. without the boys and stupid parties and skimpy clothes, they are meaningless, not worth it, people always think there’s something so special about them, and it’s phenomenal having the epiphany there’s not, they reek of desperation, salivate for attention, in reality, they are incredibly shallow, it’s only themselves they think and care about, physical attraction is basically their only criteria (and let’s remember it’s just with makeup, because with makeup anyone can look gorgeous right? but without makeup everyone else is average or ugly right?). Superficial people actually pride themselves on hanging out and hooking up only with individuals who meet their physical 'standards' and they lack so much emotional and intellectual depth, they’re just dumb.
I think this article perfectly captures them:
https://www.powerofpositivity.com/signs-of-superficial-person/.
Yeah I have no tolerance or empathy for them whatsoever, I can’t stand them at all, but when you have classes with them and see them around, just block them out and pretend they don’t even exist. I definitely am an extremely emphatic person by nature, and as a result judge character very easily (being intuitive), but I honestly will say there are a lot of people like who I describe in these posts I absolutely can not stand, unless one of them miraculously started having emotional intelligence and stopped being an obscene level of superficial, I don’t have the time for you because it’s really irritating and draining to be around that level of fakeness and toxicity.
(And if by some miracle someone who’s like this is reading this, I’d say take a good look at yourself sweetie because this bs you care about now and the appalling way you behave and conduct yourself and make other people think they’re worthless in comparison, no one is going to care in the real world about all this crap, and no one is going to want to associate with you if you carry on being so toxic, I can guarantee you that).
~~~
hi again!
i missed you.
Who else is so excited Masterchef FINALLY started?? I love that show so much, and have supported it from the start. I CAN NOT WAIT FOR NIGELLA WEEK OH MY GOSH IT’S STARTING I can’t wait to watch it after school tomorrow!!! I mean Nigella just stay for the whole season please.
(Saturday 11th May)I have a maths test, which is on three chapters but I obviously do not have the time to do all the exercises all over again to refresh my memory since it was all done ages ago so as recommended by my teacher, I’m just going to work on the chapter reviews to consolidate my understanding and figure out what I need to work on in the span of the next three days. Yep I know this whole smashing out tonnes of work at the last minute approach is BAD but that is honestly what I’ve been doing because the speed we move at, hurtling through exercises like the world’s going to end tomorrow, is mystifying and terrifying.
I just opened up the chapter review and stared blankly at the questions, realising with unforeseen, rapidly increasing dread, all of it has evaporated from my mind, or too muddled up in the mass of raspberry goo coating my brain cells, smothering all the information I thought I knew. After 1/2 an hour of studying, I realised why nothing was coming to me, not even a fragment of recollected information, I was looking at my teacher’s notes (which we go through and annotate and do questions in the booklet in class), and most of it was blank.
Last term, I hadn’t been at school for a while, and when I got back, she was almost finished and told me to work on the current topic, and go back to it later. Unfortunately, as I mentioned, we go careening through the exercises, and not to forget, I had work from my other subjects to catch up on too, while simultaneously being expected to focus on the present topics. Every time I work on a subject, it feels pointless because I just feel I’m falling back further and further behind, with no time to not only catch up but be ahead, which was my aim, to always stay ahead. I have fallen so far behind, I can’t even comprehend the amount of work I have to do across every subject, because I am suffocating under too many things, far beyond school related as well.
I thought it would be okay, I texted my tutor to have a class tomorrow and usually he doesn’t take more than an hour to reply, and it had been six hours, nothing. I was stressing out more and more, and when that happens, I truly have no way to calm down whatsoever, hey, perks of being me.
Note: Stop torturing myself with cramming too much in last minute, this is NOT EFFECTIVE especially in Year 12, kids please refrain from following in those particular footsteps (but feel free to once I metamorphose into the model student I aspire to be).
Update today: He finally replied this morning and is all booked out, so here I am fretting away because I am a perplexed puddle of messed up-ness (for lack of a better term).
lol the irony of this (perfectly encapsulated my feelings towards maths in the moment):
I’m only into Term 2, and coupled with too many other problems, it is frigging hard to keep going, but you can’t ever give up. Not when you’re so close.
I am always always ALWAYS willing to chat about anything, so if you ever want to talk, whatever it’s about, any questions, to just chat, whether that be school related or life related, if you need someone to talk to about anything, I’m always here.
Actually based on what a few people have told me (and that’s my tool to generalise since though clearly many people have read my journal, only a few respond - you guys are super sweet) and I’ve pretty much figured out one of the reasons why people are into what I’m writing is because I don’t just talk about school, simply because Year 12 is more than that. I’ve actually gotten some people already ask me for help with certain things in their life, which I found really touching, that even my online presence is recognised as that way (because in real life people have always come to me for help to deal with things) despite having only been on for a little while, and that’s why I just kinda wanted to put it out there that if there’s anything you want to talk about, my
door inbox is always open.
I’m going to start doing goals of the week (inspired by meerae, her journal is awesome!!), and kinda pouring out all the sticky goo in my brain onto paper because that’s a huge problem when you have too many thoughts to fit into your brain. Thoughts exceeding your brain’s capacity is not good at all.
sleep. let’s not even go there. I’m barely surviving on 4-6 hours per night. I have no idea how I even function in the day, I think I just scrape by as ‘barely existing’.
Remember this is all temporary, and the environment of uni is going to be worlds away from the confining, restrictive environment of school with (in my experience) more bad people than good. There will be a brilliant diversity of people, and let me tell you, none of that plasticky, fake trash people care about now, will ever even matter in uni and when you're working and out in the 'real world'.
It’s just really difficult being forced into an environment with so many toxic people whose values, language and behaviour are miles away from yours, it can definitely take a toll on you, you can’t express yourself fully and be you when everyone around you is so toxic and fake but please please remember it’s not forever, its never permanent, hold on until then, you’re really strong, you don’t even know how strong you are when you realise all the fighting you did in a few years time kept you here.
also at this point I’m just assuming people are somewhat enjoying my writing ft my utter insanity because I can obviously see it’s garnering views?? but I literally have no way to know what people even think?? other than those people who have actually said something to me (thank you lovely souls, I appreciate you a lot esp you colline you’re the best!!! everyone go check out colline okay thanks whatever I’m just going to keep writing and imagining everyone who’s reading it has taken away something and is enjoying it, dare I say as pumped as colline is?) I mean I’m already used to the whole putting in effort into people and into things and getting nothing sooo anyway cool that’s all folks I just honestly get sick of the whole effort into everything in my life and nothing in return, yeah people suck a lot I would know since I’ve been surrounded by more terrible than good people in my seventeen years. oh right. this journal is supposed to be for me now, for my memories, and to show to my kids someday. at first I stupidly fell down the rabbit hole of doing this journal for someone instead of for me and giving myself wholly, and not putting me first, and this time, I’m writing for me. full stop. from my millions of lessons learnt, don’t waste time or care about anyone who isn’t going to care for you, time now especially is so limited, and honey, you ain’t got time to waste on toxic people, fools, jerks, mean people, people who don’t know just what they missed. you’ll learn that the hard way most of the time.
it’s a well known and accepted fact people,
book characters and dogs = infinity times better than humans.
don’t even try to argue.
what are you all reading? It’s been too long since I was riveted, on the edge of my seat, absolutely loving, racing though and devouring a book in mere moments. I can’t even remember the last time I was immersed in a beautiful world, so unlike reality, and fell in love with characters, and cared so much for them as if they existed.
(if this is your first time here, hi lovely!! as you can see i basically dump a smorgasbord of emotions, thoughts, ideas because other than in journals, there’s no where else for me to, and it’s a space for me to just be me which is pretty hard in real life. also I am super rigid and meticulous in real life and enjoy forgoing some grammar etc on here. hope you have a fun stay!!).
remember, this too shall pass. don’t ever forget you’re made of gold. 💖
till next time x
If you could see what I see
You'd be blinded by the colors
Yellow, red, and orange, and green
And at least a million others
So tie up the boat, take off your coat, and take a look around
'Cause the sky has finally opened
The rain and wind stopped blowin'
But you're stuck out in the same ol' storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella
Well, darlin', I'm just tryin' to tell ya
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head~Rainbow (Kacey Musgraves)