Year 10 English Marking & Feedback

[Joseph41]

Hi everybody, and welcome to ATAR Notes' Year 10 English Marking & Feedback section!

In this thread, you can get feedback and advice on your English work, whether that be essays, stories, or other pieces of writing.

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When you're done, just click on "Post"!

Who gives feedback?
Everyone is welcome to contribute; even if you're unsure of yourself, providing different perspectives is incredibly valuable in English, both at Year 10 level and beyond. So if you're posting your own work for feedback, please consider providing feedback to somebody else.

Otherwise, we have many, many current and past VCE students on these forums who will be happy to help out wherever possible. I will endeavour to help as much as I can, but there'll be heaps of other high-achieving students around to help.

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If you're not comfortable with your work being read by others, even if posted anonymously, do not post your work - there is no obligation.

[caffinatedloz]

Hello everyone,
Just got my essay about The Merchant of Venice back from my teacher and did not do as well as I hoped. I was not confident when I submitted it either. Her biggest comments to me were all about the order in which I chose to address my evidence within each paragraph.

I have fixed it up according to some of the feedback the teacher gave me but I was wondering if anyone else has any further feedback.

\\
In William Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Venice, he explores the way in which money is the driving force and motivation in interpersonal interactions. Shakespeare has highlighted the way that the pursuit of money and benefits of wealth cloud relationships. Greed truly corrodes relationships; whether it slowly creates mistrust between companions or instantly severes connections. It is a subtle but constant negative presence the permeates every interaction and decision. He explores this through the way in which Bassanio courts Portia, the gradual degradation of Jessica and Shylock’s relationship and the friendship that Antonio and Bassanio share.

Bassanio’s love for Portia is dubious as he pursues her to eradicate his own debts. After borrowing large amounts from Antonio in his youth, Bassanio is determined to come up with a plan in order to final repay him. When Bassanio first informs Antonio of his plan the very first thing he mentions is, “In Belmont is a lady richly left.” Shakespeare uses this line to make it evident to his audience that Bassanio very much values Portia’s estate, perhaps more so than her person. Shakespeare also illustrates the real feelings of affection that the pair have. Bassanio describes Portia as, “Fair, and fairer than the world,” although the timing of his pursuit appears to be quite unscrupulous which plants doubts in the mind of the audience as to the authenticity of their relationship. It is impossible to have an authentic relationship with a person when the judgement of one party is impaired so significantly by their craving for wealth.

Shakespeare explores this idea further through the paternal relationship and actions of Shylock and Jessica. She felt that she had no option but to flee from her home and her father’s intense desire to see his wealth grow. When Shylock discovered that his daughter had left him, stealing a portion of his fortune, he roamed the streets shouting, “O my ducats, O my daughter.” The way that Shylock appears to place equal value on his possessions and his child sits uncomfortably with the audience and forces them to question whether Shylock truly loves his daughter. When this is recounted by another character, Solanio, he is clearly disgusted by the value that Shylock places on his money and labels him as greedy. Through this action, Shakespeare offers his audience a window into the reasons that Jessica felt so suffocated in her house. He explores the way that wealth seeking behaviours caused Shylock’s oblivion to his daughter’s feelings. Through a modern lense, this is particularly clear. Jessica’s feelings of anguish and hopelessness are further explored in the conversation she has with Launcelot, a servant, “Our house is hell.” This reflects the years of feelings of worthlessness and pent up frustration that she experiences. She feels significant anger toward’s her father’s whole ideology and lifestyle. She is able to think with clarity about the reprehensible way money has slowly eroded her relationship with her father, perhaps beyond repair. Through these events, Shakespeare examines the way that selfish desires can attack the very basis of society.

Finally, the friendship that Antonio and Bassanio share is clouded by the selfish way Bassanio uses Antonio for his money. Friendship is meant to be a mutual affection between people born out a genuine enjoyment of each others company. Can a relationship formed out of a desire for money, rather than a desire for company really be considered a friendship? Antonio clearly has strong feelings of affection towards Bassanio and his blind trust is evident in the way Antonio agrees to take out the loan to aid Bassanio, even to his own detriment, “My purse, my person, my extremest means lie all unlocked to your occasion.”  The unconditional love that Antonio felt towards Bassanio is evident through his behaviour, but Shakespeare forces the audience to consider whether or not it is reciprocated. It is highlighted to the audience that Bassanio has deep affection to Antonio when he says, “But life itself, my wife, all the world, are not with me esteemed above thy life,” however Shakespeare leaves the audience to wonder if Bassanio would have felt the same had Antonio disagreed to take out the loan. As a modern audience reflecting on this text, it is clear that Antonio’s deep, genuine and passionate feelings cannot be fully reciprocated while Bassanio’s heart is filled by a love of a wealthy lifestyle. It is impossible for a man to truly and all-consumingly love two things and Shakespeare makes it clear that time and time again Bassanio will choose wealth and relationship built on false pretences over genuine human connections.

Through the exploration of Bassanio and Portia’s engagement, Shylock’s turbulent fatherhood and Antonio’s raw and selfless feelings for Bassanio it is evident that wealth does nothing but corrupt the relationships between the key characters in every possible way. William Shakespeare illustrates the unscrupulousness that a thirst for wealth brings to genuine relationships. Trust, honesty and raw affection between the key characters are all corroded to some degree by money seeking behaviours, in The Merchant of Venice.

\\
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated,
Laura

[Joseph41]

Hey there! I'm not actually familiar with The Merchant of Venice, so will just make some broad points. Also not a self-professed English expert, given I didn't study it after Year 10 haha, so take with a grain of salt. I'm sure others will contribute also!

P.S. Was there a particular prompt you were responding to?

Hello everyone,
Just got my essay about The Merchant of Venice back from my teacher and did not do as well as I hoped. I was not confident when I submitted it either. Her biggest comments to me were all about the order in which I chose to address my evidence within each paragraph.

I have fixed it up according to some of the feedback the teacher gave me but I was wondering if anyone else has any further feedback.

\\
In William Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Venice, he explores the way in which money is the driving force and motivation in interpersonal interactions. Shakespeare has highlighted Not a huge issue, but there's inconsistency here in tense between, for example, "he explores" and "has highlighted". In general, I'd try to keep tense consistent the way that the pursuit of money and benefits of wealth cloud relationships. Greed truly corrodes relationships; whether it slowly creates mistrust between companions or instantly severes severs connections. According to Shakespeare? It's unclear to me whether this is coming from your voice, or Shakespeare's It is a subtle but constant negative presence the that permeates every interaction and decision. He explores this through the way in which Bassanio courts Portia, the gradual degradation of Jessica and Shylock’s relationship and the friendship that Antonio and Bassanio share.

Bassanio’s love for Portia is dubious as he pursues her to eradicate his own debts. After borrowing large amounts from Antonio in his youth, Bassanio is determined to come up with a plan in order to finally repay him. When Bassanio first informs Antonio of his plan the very first thing he mentions is, “In Belmont is a lady richly left.” Do you need page numbers here/for future quotes? Shakespeare uses this line to make it evident to his audience that Bassanio very much values Portia’s estate, perhaps more so than her person. Shakespeare also illustrates the real feelings of affection that the pair have. Bassanio describes Portia as, “Fair, and fairer than the world,” although the timing of his pursuit appears to be quite unscrupulous which plants doubts in the mind of the audience as to the authenticity of their relationship. It is impossible to have an authentic relationship with a person when the judgement of one party is impaired so significantly by their craving for wealth. I think a sweeping statement like this probably requires more evidence/substance. Why do you have that view?

Shakespeare explores this idea further through the paternal relationship and actions of Shylock and Jessica. She felt that she had no option but to flee from her home and her father’s intense desire to see his wealth grow. I found this sentence a little confusing - I assume you're referring to Jessica, but you've used "she" twice and "her" twice without actually mentioning the referent (albeit assumed from the sentence prior) When Shylock discovered that his daughter had left him, stealing a portion of his fortune, he roamed the streets shouting, “O my ducats, O my daughter.” The way that Shylock appears to place equal value on his possessions and his child sits uncomfortably with the audience and forces them to question whether Shylock truly loves his daughter. When this is recounted by another character, Solanio, he is clearly disgusted by the value that Shylock places on his money and labels him as greedy. Through this action, Shakespeare offers his audience a window into the reasons that Jessica felt so suffocated in her house. He explores the way that wealth seeking behaviours caused Shylock’s oblivion to his daughter’s feelings. Through a modern lense lens, this is particularly clear. Jessica’s feelings of anguish and hopelessness are further explored in the conversation she has with Launcelot, a servant, “Our house is hell.” This quote feels tacked on to me, and could probably get integrated a little more seamlessly. I don't know if this is something you should follow necessarily, but I never really liked ending a sentence with a quote in this way This reflects the years of feelings of worthlessness and pent up frustration that she experiences. She feels significant anger toward’s her father’s whole ideology and lifestyle. She is able to think with clarity about the reprehensible way money has slowly eroded her relationship with her father, perhaps beyond repair. Through these events, Shakespeare examines the way that selfish desires can attack the very basis of society.

Finally, the friendship that Antonio and Bassanio share is clouded by the selfish way Bassanio uses Antonio for his money. Friendship is meant to be a mutual affection between people born out a genuine enjoyment of each others company. Can a relationship formed out of a desire for money, rather than a desire for company really be considered a friendship? Antonio clearly has strong feelings of affection towards Bassanio and his blind trust is evident in the way Antonio agrees to take out the loan to aid Bassanio, even to his own detriment, “My purse, my person, my extremest means lie all unlocked to your occasion.”  The unconditional love that Antonio felt towards Bassanio is evident through his behaviour, but Shakespeare forces the audience to consider whether or not it is reciprocated. It is highlighted to the audience that Bassanio has deep affection to Antonio when he says, “But life itself, my wife, all the world, are not with me esteemed above thy life,” however Shakespeare leaves the audience to wonder if Bassanio would have felt the same had Antonio disagreed to take out the loan. As a modern audience reflecting on this text, it is clear that Antonio’s deep, genuine and passionate feelings cannot be fully reciprocated while Bassanio’s heart is filled by a love of a wealthy lifestyle. It is impossible for a man to truly and all-consumingly love two things and Shakespeare makes it clear that time and time again Bassanio will choose wealth and relationship built on false pretences over genuine human connections.

Through the exploration of Bassanio and Portia’s engagement, Shylock’s turbulent fatherhood and Antonio’s raw and selfless feelings for Bassanio it is evident that wealth does nothing but corrupt the relationships between the key characters in every possible way. William Shakespeare illustrates the unscrupulousness that a thirst for wealth brings to genuine relationships. Trust, honesty and raw affection between the key characters are all corroded to some degree by money seeking behaviours, in The Merchant of Venice.

\\
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated,
Laura

Great work!

[caffinatedloz]

Hey there! I'm not actually familiar with The Merchant of Venice, so will just make some broad points. Also not a self-professed English expert, given I didn't study it after Year 10 haha, so take with a grain of salt. I'm sure others will contribute also!

P.S. Was there a particular prompt you were responding to?

Great work!

Thank you so much! The prompt was: Money corrupts all relationships in The Merchant of Venice, do you agree?

[caffinatedloz]

Hey guys! I have my (second) last ever language analysis assessment tomorrow. I've been doing some practice and I would LOVE some feedback. I have an English exam in a week where I will have to complete another language analysis, and I feel like that one will be more difficult as I'll also be trying to hold ideas for an unrelated essay in my head.

The article: https://www.theage.com.au/opinion/im-all-for-dressing-up-but-this-is-one-ball-that-should-be-dropped-20080305-ge6sz7.html

My analysis:
With International Women’s Day of 2008 approaching, women are left to reflect on how much (and sometimes little) society has changed, by looking at the longheld tradition of Debutante Balls. Aimed at her female adult in Western society, Catherine Deveny, sarcastically yet passionately asserts that there is no place in modern society for Debutante Balls, in her opinion piece, “I’m all for dressing up, but this is one ball that should be dropped,” (05.03.2008).

Using a highly sarcastic and provocative tone, Deveny emphasises the celebration of International Women’s Day. She highlights the juxtaposition of celebrating the freedom of women while still encouraging debutante balls. Her colloquial rhetoric, “How wrong is that?” furthers this by encouraging the audience to consider their own beliefs on the issues and assess for themselves whether they are hypocritical. The blunt numbering, “a) stacks b) very,” sets the uncompromising tone for the rest of the article.

There is a marked tonal shift as Catherine Deveny unpacks the historical context of Deb Balls. She sarcastically explores the role that debutantes played in history, “a coming-out rite of passage for ‘young ladies’” which emphasises the misogyny that such an event was built on. This positions the audience to dislike and question the premise of due to the sexist undertones of such an event. Despite continuing with her sarcastic tirade, Deveny is able to use humour to build her likability as an author. She continues using the simile “paraded around like cattle” to highlight the degradation of women that debutante balls did and continue to provide.

Towards the conclusion of the article, Deveny discusses her own personal relationship with the Deb, revealing that she chose not to participate, using another simile stating that it is, “nothing more than a meat market,” which connects to her earlier comparison of debutante to cattle farming. This evoked feelings of sympathy and frustration of the audience as they consider how the deb negatively impacted Deveny’s self-confidence and how it impacts the confidence of countless other teenage girls. To other readers, this revelation is ineffective as they are lead to believe that Deveny wrote this article out of spite rather than genuine concern or passion.

Deveny vehemently asserts that Debutante balls must be eliminated in order for the rights of women to continue to progress. She writes using various degrees of sarcasm throughout her whole article, appealing to those already in agreement with her, however, her language choice distances those who feel less strongly on the matter. Overall, she writes an effectively persuasive piece. She closes with an allusion that places inclusion and dignity at the forefront.


Any help would be really appreciated!

[caffinatedloz]

Another language analysis here. If anyone else wants an essay or language analysis marked, feel free to send me a message and perhaps we could do a swap?

The article: https://grattan.edu.au/news/congestion-charging-is-a-smart-way-to-make-our-cities-work-better/

My analysis:
With the increasing demand for access to Melbourne’s CBD at peak times, Melburnians are left to consider how congestion in the city may be alleviated. In her article entitled, “Congestion charging is a smart way to make our cities work better,” Marion Terrill informatively yet insistently maintains that congestion charges must be implemented on Melbourne’s busiest roads during peak times, in her article for Grattan Institute.

Terrill opens her article by appealing to city commuters, emphasising that the issue of congestion has failed to be resolved by government efforts and that new solutions must be implemented. She opens by exploring previous solutions proposed by the government that have not come to fruition saying, “Just look around -- we’re still stuck in traffic,” as a means of relating to her audience through inclusive language. The author builds her credibility by asserting to the audience that she also experiences the ramification of congestion, positioning the audience to see her as a credible and experienced voice on the issue. This visual image of overcrowded roads laden with traffic jams of cars and trams alike acts as a stark juxtaposition to this fresh, new approach to the crisis on our roads.

The implementation of the potential solution is explored in an informative and assured tone through a detailed model. This explanation of when and how the tax would be applied is effective as it allows the audience to weigh the costs and benefits of this decision. Terrill uses the phrase “minimum hassle” which has positive connotations and is meant to act as a pacifier for the audience who find the idea of a tax frustrating. However, this may not mollify those with a strong understanding of persuasive techniques, further distancing some readers. Terril goes on to use statistical evidence to evaluate the effectiveness of the proposed solution using a measured and rational tone.

There is a marked tonal shift as Terrill employs rhetorical questioning and colloquial language to combat any potential opposition to the suggestion, whilst still maintaining a rational voice. She appeals to expediency saying that congestion charging, “will help us get some of that time back,” eliciting a positive response from the reader. Terrill aids the audience in relating to her by describing other taxes as “blunt and unfair” building her credibility with the audience by using words with negative connotations that evoke strong feelings.

In concluding, the author continues discussing expediency by evaluating the failed solutions proposed by past politicians. She ends with a well-known metaphor, saying that some will find congestion charges, “a bitter pill to swallow”, whilst still asserting their importance due to their societal benefits.

[yourfriendlyneighbourhoodghost]

Hey guys! I have my (second) last ever language analysis assessment tomorrow. I've been doing some practice and I would LOVE some feedback. I have an English exam in a week where I will have to complete another language analysis, and I feel like that one will be more difficult as I'll also be trying to hold ideas for an unrelated essay in my head.

The article: https://www.theage.com.au/opinion/im-all-for-dressing-up-but-this-is-one-ball-that-should-be-dropped-20080305-ge6sz7.html

My analysis:
With International Women’s Day of 2008 approaching, women are left to reflect on how much (and sometimes little) society has changed, by looking at the longheld tradition of Debutante Balls. Aimed at her female adult in Western society, Catherine Deveny, sarcastically yet passionately asserts that there is no place in modern society for Debutante Balls, in her opinion piece, “I’m all for dressing up, but this is one ball that should be dropped,” (05.03.2008).

Using a highly sarcastic and provocative tone, Deveny emphasises the celebration of International Women’s Day. She highlights the juxtaposition of celebrating the freedom of women while still encouraging debutante balls. Her colloquial rhetoric, “How wrong is that?” furthers this by encouraging the audience to consider their own beliefs on the issues and assess for themselves whether they are hypocritical. The blunt numbering, “a) stacks b) very,” sets the uncompromising tone for the rest of the article.

There is a marked tonal shift as Catherine Deveny unpacks the historical context of Deb Balls. She sarcastically explores the role that debutantes played in history, “a coming-out rite of passage for ‘young ladies’” which emphasises the misogyny that such an event was built on. This positions the audience to dislike and question the premise of due to the sexist undertones of such an event. Despite continuing with her sarcastic tirade, Deveny is able to use humour to build her likability as an author. She continues using the simile “paraded around like cattle” to highlight the degradation of women that debutante balls did and continue to provide.

Towards the conclusion of the article, Deveny discusses her own personal relationship with the Deb, revealing that she chose not to participate, using another simile stating that it is, “nothing more than a meat market,” which connects to her earlier comparison of debutante to cattle farming. This evoked feelings of sympathy and frustration of the audience as they consider how the deb negatively impacted Deveny’s self-confidence and how it impacts the confidence of countless other teenage girls. To other readers, this revelation is ineffective as they are lead to believe that Deveny wrote this article out of spite rather than genuine concern or passion.

Deveny vehemently asserts that Debutante balls must be eliminated in order for the rights of women to continue to progress. She writes using various degrees of sarcasm throughout her whole article, appealing to those already in agreement with her, however, her language choice distances those who feel less strongly on the matter. Overall, she writes an effectively persuasive piece. She closes with an allusion that places inclusion and dignity at the forefront.


Any help would be really appreciated!

Hey (:

It was actually quite good. In my opinion, your depth of analysis was pretty good, maybe try to go a bit deeper if time permits. It's really good that you are identifying tonal shifts (:

One thing I would like to point out is that "This evoked feelings of" should be written "thus, evoking feelings of..." I used to do this a lot, my teacher said an active voice which is like present tense instead of past is better when writing analysis.

But really good job (:

[caffinatedloz]

Hey (:

It was actually quite good. In my opinion, your depth of analysis was pretty good, maybe try to go a bit deeper if time permits. It's really good that you are identifying tonal shifts (:

One thing I would like to point out is that "This evoked feelings of" should be written "thus, evoking feelings of..." I used to do this a lot, my teacher said an active voice which is like present tense instead of past is better when writing analysis.

But really good job (:

Thank you so much! I definitely felt that there was more depth I could have explored, but I tried writing to time constraints to mimic test conditions.

I will keep the this evokes/ thus evoking thing in mind when I go into my assessment today!

I really appreciate your help!!

[Bri MT]

Keeping this short since I'm on mobile but here's some feedback:


You have "in her article.... in her article" in the same sentence.  Be careful that you don't let your sentences run away from you

ramifications

the a potential solution

Imo "minimal hassle" isn't distancing based on understanding of persuasive techniques but rather to those who see it as political jargon.

"Terrill aids the audience in relating to her by describing other taxes as “blunt and unfair” building her credibility with the audience by using words with negative connotations that evoke strong feelings."  Using words that evoke strong feelings doesn't necessarily build credibility but you are correct that there is an aspect of these words that's helps her portray herself as "down to earth" and relatable. 


I'm not sure if this is just because you agree with the authors but in both LAs here you have written as though you agree with their contentions.

[yourfriendlyneighbourhoodghost]

Thank you so much! I definitely felt that there was more depth I could have explored, but I tried writing to time constraints to mimic test conditions.

I will keep the this evokes/ thus evoking thing in mind when I go into my assessment today!

I really appreciate your help!!

No worries

Good luck I hope you do well (: