Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread

[suemaya]

Hey guys,
Just wondering if this line of my thesis makes sense? It sounds kind of wrong to me but i dont really know how to fix it haha any feedback would be appreciated thank you! (:

"The complex process of discovery is often a transformative experience for individuals that can stimulate new notions about one’s self and others."

[jamonwindeyer]

Thnx

With regards to 'linking' sentences at the conclusion of each paragraph, do you have to link the paragraph back in a stand-alone conceptual statement or can you just finish off whatever you've been saying, whether that's explaining a quote or character, and link it back at the end of the sentence?
e.g. Is the following a good enough 'Link' back to the question or do I have to complete the paragraph with another summary sentence?
The simile has visual implications on the reader who, through visualising and identifying themselves with the comparison, can come to a realisation that the character’s experience has been negatively affected through the isolation of his environment.

btw the idea I'm meant to be linking the above sentence back to is: The harsh and isolated environment of Australia is a key element portrayed by distinctive images to convey its severe and negative impact on the experience of individuals associated with it.

Hey Karyn! I'd almost always suggest to have a completely separate concluding/linking sentence, it works better in my opinion

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi, I was hoping to receive some feedback on my module A thesis/introduction, I feel as though i might just be repeating myself. Thanks in advanced really appreciate what you guys are doing!!

A loss of human values is often the result of authoritative individuals and regimes, which subject their society to inhumane conditions that see a loss of love, freedom and hope. Metropolis (1927) by Fritz Lang and Nineteen Eighty-Four (1948) by George Orwell, examine the detrimental consequences of control and oppression, eventuating in the diminishment of rights and wellbeing of humanity. The dystopic visions of Lang and Orwell, provide means to explore the dysfunction of their respective social and historical contexts to portray their fears toward the future of humanity. Thus, the composers criticise strict political regiment to project cautionary tales for their audiences about the unchecked abuse of power and misuse of technology which ultimately ensue a loss of individualism.

Welcome to the forums Nancy! Some comments:

- Fantastic first sentence, nicely conceptual, fairly broad too to hit a variety of questions. Nicely done
- Good introduction of texts and subsequent link to the modules
- Excellent links to the idea of 'didactic' texts, warning for audiences, etc

In fact, I have nothing bad to say about this intro. If you add a sentence after your first to specifically respond/add extra detail for the question, then you have a winner! Great stuff

[Sssssrr]

Hi, could somebody please give me some feedback on my thesis/intro for mod c people and politics, thanks!
Texts are subjective constructions which represent a composer’s personal perspective on political ideologies or agendas, reflecting their specific contextual concerns. Composers select the textual form which most effectively conveys their perspectives and ideas. The repercussions of such political agendas and ideologies are evident in the implementation of power and control which may result in corrosion of humanity. WH Auden’s poems “The Unknown Citizen”, “September 1st 1939” respond to the outbreak of war and totalitarian governments respectively whilst Mira Nair’s film ‘The Reluctant Fundamentalist’ provides a non-western perspective post 9/11. Both composers effectively explore these ideas whilst responding to their respective contexts, illustrating the influence of political agendas and events on cultural paradigms and portraying the dehumanising nature of despotic political agendas.

[jamonwindeyer]

AOS:
Discovery is a process which everyone goes through, to uncover hidden abilities and differences which are experienced in diversified ways including constant struggles and challenges. Ang Lee's dramatic film ‘Life of Pi' (2012) captures the idea of discovering hidden abilities whilst also drawing focus to the will to live. Sylvia Plath's 1962 poem ‘Cut’, focuses on the assertion of abilities, justifying its process of discovery whilst commenting on the symbolic subject of mortality. Both texts personas feature transformations where they uncover hidden agendas and reconsider what was lost and now found.

- First sentence has a tiny bit too much going on at once, perhaps split into two sentences, just to really give clarity to the ideas
- Good linking of texts to the idea of Discovery
- Not really getting a single clear idea/Thesis, really accentuate the hidden abilities and how it relates to Discovery

MOD A:
Morals are distinctive qualities which every human possess, but how an individual chooses to action their moral duties, forms their character. This sense of moral judgment is seen in William Shakespeare’s 1599 play, ‘Julius Caesar’ as it forges the perception of good versus evil as it uses the historical concept of Roman monarch, Julius Caesar, with the playwrights own political context involving the queens instability from not having a clear successor. Throughout the play, the evident power struggle between good and evil persists through the concept of morality and more importantly persuasion. Correlated to the belief in how characters are vehicles for the struggle between good and evil morality, the concept of fate opposed to fortune is explored in political treatise ‘The Prince’ , written by Niccolo Machiavelli in 1509 as he incorporates historical events to justify the concepts put forward to assist a monarch in running a perfect kingdom. As both texts compare relating identities of morals, the judgment of characters being righteous or dishonourable must be addressed as they are explored in depth.

- Good conceptual start
- A little too much plot/context detail in introducing Shakespeare; try and get it done with less words
- Conceptual links to the Prince aren't overly clear
- Be sure to stress the comparative element of Module A

MOD B:
Dilemmas are problems needing to be explored in various ways to tackle and surpass their boundaries until they are finally exploited. Poems ‘Goblin Market’ (1862) and ‘In an Artist's Studio’ (1896) discretely communicate personal ideology on religious aspects whilst referring to women and femininity in the nineteenth century. Whilst these themes are common in her poetry it is noticeable on how she gives voice to any person inclined to the same values. Rossetti is acclaimed for her poetry opposing social ideals of her context giving voice to women to exceed social prospects.

- First sentence isn't really clicking for me at the moment, perhaps play with expression
- What are these personal ideologies?
- Third sentence, not quite seeing the purpose of that
- This introduction needs more depth; try to include the idea of textual integrity to connect with the Module

MOD C:
Control is seen to be the ultimate goal for people involved in Politics as they strive to isolate and secularise people into believing in their ideas.  This idea is shown through the futuristic dystopian novel, ‘Brave New World’ (1932) written by Aldous Huxley, influenced by parts of his personal context whilst connecting those to the ideas of control and isolation.  ‘Blade Runner’ (1981) a neo-neir futuristic film directed by Ridley Scott also possessing dystopian qualities proves how control can isolate a human being into thinking morally corrupt actions for an organisation. Both texts highlight satirical techniques which show the powerful and complex relationship between people and politics especially the way each individual effects their political system and hierarchy.

- Good conceptual start
- Good introduction of texts
- Ensure your Thesis is sustained; Control isn't mentioned in the last sentence
- Be sure to link to the idea of representation explicitly to address the Module aims

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey guys,
Just wondering if this line of my thesis makes sense? It sounds kind of wrong to me but i dont really know how to fix it haha any feedback would be appreciated thank you! (:

"The complex process of discovery is often a transformative experience for individuals that can stimulate new notions about one’s self and others."

Welcome to the forums Sue!! let me know if you need a hand finding things

I think the word notions is the word that is making this sound a little off, try changing it for the word perspectives, or maybe ideas?

The complex process of discovery is often a transformative experience for individuals that can stimulate new perspectives on the individual and others.

A slight change at the end might help it sound better for you!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi, could somebody please give me some feedback on my thesis/intro for mod c people and politics, thanks!
Texts are subjective constructions which represent a composer’s personal perspective on political ideologies or agendas, reflecting their specific contextual concerns. Composers select the textual form which most effectively conveys their perspectives and ideas. The repercussions of such political agendas and ideologies are evident in the implementation of power and control which may result in corrosion of humanity. WH Auden’s poems “The Unknown Citizen”, “September 1st 1939” respond to the outbreak of war and totalitarian governments respectively whilst Mira Nair’s film ‘The Reluctant Fundamentalist’ provides a non-western perspective post 9/11. Both composers effectively explore these ideas whilst responding to their respective contexts, illustrating the influence of political agendas and events on cultural paradigms and portraying the dehumanising nature of despotic political agendas.

Hey hey! Sure thang:

- Fabulous first sentence, links to module excellently
- Perhaps link form to the historical context (Shakespeare can't make a movie right)?
- The concept feels a little rushed in the middle there, give it a little more time
- Great textual introductions and links
- Perhaps some more specific discussion of representation to properly link to the Module

Great stuff!!

[nancy_cc]

Welcome to the forums Nancy! Some comments:

- Fantastic first sentence, nicely conceptual, fairly broad too to hit a variety of questions. Nicely done
- Good introduction of texts and subsequent link to the modules
- Excellent links to the idea of 'didactic' texts, warning for audiences, etc

In fact, I have nothing bad to say about this intro. If you add a sentence after your first to specifically respond/add extra detail for the question, then you have a winner! Great stuff

Thanks Jamon for the feedback and for the advice on adapting it to the question! 

[Sssssrr]

Hey hey! Sure thang:

- Fabulous first sentence, links to module excellently
- Perhaps link form to the historical context (Shakespeare can't make a movie right)?
- The concept feels a little rushed in the middle there, give it a little more time
- Great textual introductions and links
- Perhaps some more specific discussion of representation to properly link to the Module

Great stuff!!

Thank you so much Jamon, this really gave me a confidence boost!

[marynguyen18]

i was wondering if i could get some feedback on my AOS introduction.

Discoveries have the ability to shape the way individuals view their impact to who they once were, who they have become and who they should be. Our perceptions are shaped based our own experiences and change who we are as individuals. In “The Tempest” by William Shakespeare, we are taken on a journey of forgiveness and individual growth. Whilst in “This Lime Tree Bower, my Prison” by Samuel Coleridge depicts the appreciation for the world around you.

[jamonwindeyer]

i was wondering if i could get some feedback on my AOS introduction.

Discoveries have the ability to shape the way individuals view their impact to who they once were, who they have become and who they should be. Expression issue in that first phrase, 'view their impact to who they once were' doesn't quite click. Our perceptions are shaped based our own experiences and change who we are as individuals. Excellent.  In “The Tempest” by William Shakespeare, we are taken on a journey of forgiveness and individual growth. Whilst in “This Lime Tree Bower, my Prison” by Samuel Coleridge depicts the appreciation for the world around you. How do these two concepts relate? Further, be sure to have a concluding sentence in your introduction (tie everything together)

Good conceptual ideas, but a few little expression issues, and texts aren't properly linked to the idea of Discovery (how does appreciation for the world relate to Discovery for example?)

[isaacdelatorre]

Hi, I'm working on my AOS essay and just looking to improve it further - open to all suggestions

Thanks guys

The process of discovery allows us to uncover that confronting aspects of the universe that were previously unknown. Once these discoveries are reconsidered in light of our previous assumptions, they can enable renewed perceptions of the world around us. Simon Nasht's 2004 documentary Frank Hurley the Man Who Made History depicts this process through recounting Hurley's metamorphic expedition to Antarctic and WWI. Likewise, J.K. Rowling's 2008 Harvard Commencement speech The Fringe Benefits of Failure and the Importance of Imagination also conveys this process of discovery through Rowling's realisation of the unrecognised importance of failure and imagination as a means of achieving our full potential. Similarly, John Keats' 1816 sonnet On First Looking Into Chapman's Homer describes the far-reaching ramifications on an individual's state of mind through a heightened appreciation for literature. In the evaluated texts, the respective composer undergoes a transformative discovery whilst inviting audiences to vicariously undergo the same process, allowing responders to reconsider previous assumptions and realise new ideas.

Not sure how well it flows, but I know it can be better.
Also I'm not exactly sure how to introduce the texts across all essays besides just stating the text and author and what they discover

[BPunjabi]

- First sentence has a tiny bit too much going on at once, perhaps split into two sentences, just to really give clarity to the ideas
- Good linking of texts to the idea of Discovery
- Not really getting a single clear idea/Thesis, really accentuate the hidden abilities and how it relates to Discovery

- Good conceptual start
- A little too much plot/context detail in introducing Shakespeare; try and get it done with less words
- Conceptual links to the Prince aren't overly clear
- Be sure to stress the comparative element of Module A

- First sentence isn't really clicking for me at the moment, perhaps play with expression
- What are these personal ideologies?
- Third sentence, not quite seeing the purpose of that
- This introduction needs more depth; try to include the idea of textual integrity to connect with the Module

- Good conceptual start
- Good introduction of texts
- Ensure your Thesis is sustained; Control isn't mentioned in the last sentence
- Be sure to link to the idea of representation explicitly to address the Module aims

Aha thanks Jamon <3 Didnt even realise this posted because my laptop Died Will take your advice onboard. Do you have any tips for remembering whole essays? I just need to remember my Creative and AOS essay for Thursday so I just keep reading and reading. Will I eventually memorise it by doing this?

[karyn.mcdonald]

Hey Jamon!
Was just wondering if you could please help me out here... I'm desperately trying to think of ideas with which I can structure my paragraphs for the AOS Essay. My main argument is that regardless of the nature of discovery, they will only ever be meaningful/significant if they precipitate change within an individual and their outlook. But ideas for topic sentence starters? The only thing I've been able to come up with so far is I could do one paragraph on how 'planned' discoveries evoke change and another on how 'unexpected' discoveries also transform the individual but I need a third idea??? arrrghhh! + I don't really like the planned/unexpected idea...

This is my thesis/intro if you don't care giving it a look - needs a lot of help!

Discoveries can offer an individual fresh insights and ideas which enable speculation about future possibilities. However, the significance of a discovery, whether deliberate or by chance, is relative to the measure in which it affects meaningful change in one's perception of themselves and their life. When exploring different areas of life, the discoveries made will challenge and change our understanding of self and our world through experience and growth of knowledge. Robert Frost’s poems, ‘Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening’ and ‘The Tuft of Flowers’, and Eugenia Collier’s short story ‘Marigolds’ thoroughly support these ideas through their composers’ utilization of effective language devices. The texts present to the reader a greater picture of how vital a discovery is in leading to a new understanding of ourselves and our world, regardless of how it is instigated.

Thanks again

[aoife98]

I'm struggling with this questions 'sense of self' aspect because my essay focuses on how individuals values are changed by discoveries. How could I better link these?

Q: Analyse how discoveries have a meaningful impact on a persona’s sense of self.

Thesis: Individuals and their perception of self evolve in the light of their experiences and resulting discoveries, influencing their wider community. This is explored by Shakespeare in the play the The Tempest and by Gus Van Sant in the film Milk through the transformation of characters. In uncovering the truth and realising their power, individuals are depicted as reevaluating their values and thus, sparking other's reevaluations. Individual's beliefs are therefore clearly demonstrated by both composers as being the direct result of their experiences.