Free AOS essay Marking!

[lowrifunnell]

Hey again!  thank you so so so much for all the feedback!! I've edited my essay and now feel super duper confident in it, thank you sooooo much!! I'll let you know how it goes in the half yearlies

[elysepopplewell]

Hey again!  thank you so so so much for all the feedback!! I've edited my essay and now feel super duper confident in it, thank you sooooo much!! I'll let you know how it goes in the half yearlies

This makes me so happy to hear! Best of luck!

[jkkke]

Hey thankyou for the feedback on my last draft helped my understanding of discovery better. I've changes the thesis to match my half yearly question was wondering about how you said start each paragraph with discovery text, I tried to but felt like I was repeating myself I tried to incorporating the text and question into the first line. Also realised I say this ....... a lot and was wondering for any ways to avoid this. My teacher said to add in a brief 1-2 sentence intro to each text but I cant really fit it in as my word limit is already 1100 words, is there any places I could cut it down? Tanks heaps :}

[aamyylouiisee]

Could you please tell me if my structure is good so far, if its any good and if I need to focus on anything!

[elysepopplewell]

Hey thankyou for the feedback on my last draft helped my understanding of discovery better. I've changes the thesis to match my half yearly question was wondering about how you said start each paragraph with discovery text, I tried to but felt like I was repeating myself I tried to incorporating the text and question into the first line. Also realised I say this ....... a lot and was wondering for any ways to avoid this. My teacher said to add in a brief 1-2 sentence intro to each text but I cant really fit it in as my word limit is already 1100 words, is there any places I could cut it down? Tanks heaps :}

Hey! I'll specifically comment on the thesis and the intro the paragraphs this time so we can see what is and isn't working.
Here is your original essay:

Spoiler

Individuals may need to possess an inner power of power and resilience to overcome adversity in a way that leads to discoveries. These discoveries may be challenging but can also lead to new understandings of themselves and their surroundings. In the play ‘Away’ by Micheal Gow and the movie ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ by Jonathan Dayton, the characters discover their inner facades and materialistic views and go through challenges to overcome them, which ultimately leads them to a better understanding of life.
In the play “Away’, Gwen discovers that her way of thinking can be changed to value her family rather than an artificial perception of beauty which enhances her life. At the start of the film Gwen values materialistic possessions and stresses the smaller things in life which is demonstrated in her bitter tone ‘I hope no one expects to take any of my good towels to the beach. Throughout the play, Gwen reveal the reasons for her attitudes during an argument with her daughter Meg with emotive language ‘Sacrificed! Gone without. Gone through hardships so what happened to us will never happen to you. So you’ll never see what we saw- never, never, never’, this demonstrates Gwen’s experience throughout the depression which has carried her and led her to place money so highly she has become close minded which is damaging her relationships. After losing her possessions in the storm, it allows Gwen to reassess her priorities in life and when walking to the water with Jims says ‘No. Let’s walk. Come on, down to the water. The water’s so warm.’ The water is symbolic of Gwen’s change and she is now ready to cleanse herself and discover happiness and love. Throughout the play, Gwen discovers her materialistic views lead to her relationships being damaged and once discarding her artificial values she was able to build stronger relationships in her life seen in her heartfelt apology ‘I’m sorry…’ She therefore discovered a better understanding of herself after going through adversity.
In the film “Little Miss Sunshine’ Richard resembles Gwen as he discards his materialistic and artificial views and builds a stronger relationship with his family. In the opening scene of the film when Richard is delivering a speech the low angled close up shot of his passionate face saying ‘There are two types of people in this world. ‘Winners and losers’ which conveys that he is a stereotypical motivational speaker and puts on an enthusiastic fascade. When the family are eating ice cream Richard educates his daughter about the fat content in ice-cream with a close up shot ‘Olive, if you eat a lot of ice cream you might become fat’ this displays Richards’s commercial ideas as he is highly concerned about image .Throughout the movie Richard continues with his materialistic views as he  but after his father’s death he says ‘Are we winners or losers’ his tone revealing that he is starting to lose faith in his philosophy and no longer says it with conviction much like Gwen who loses conviction in her discriminatory comments. When Richard reconnects with his family he loses his false sense of beauty and the family all enjoy their unique attributes which is demonstrated as they all dance on stage to the background song ‘I’m a super freak. In the end Richard discovers the unimportance of outward appearances and begins to value inner beauty and relates to the people that surround him
In ‘Away’ and ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ the characters Coral and Dwayne both experience depression and do not fit in to the social norms of society. Coral is grief stricken from the death of her son in Vietnam which is revealed in her soliloquy ‘All these children playing and me sitting in the dark wiping away tears’, her inability to heal has created a rift between her and her husband. Coral tries to put on a facade that she is well and when speaking to Rick uses the repetition ‘I’m much better, much better’ which conveys that Coral is trying to conform to social expectations and convince herself and her husband that she is healing. During the play she meets Rick and Tom who help to rediscover her identity. Tom helps her to move on when they perform a play together that reflects understanding that she can no longer be with her so and must move. The figurative language ‘I’m walking!’,I’,m walking!’  Coral begins healing and reconciliation of her new self. Coral goes from being a grief stricken depressed Mum to rediscovering a new understanding of herself and not worry about conforming to society’s needs. She also found a relationship with Rick who helps her communicate with others better and strengthens her marriage with Roy. Coral and Roy went through challenges together which leads better understand each other and reinforces their relationship.
Dwayne in ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ is also depressed and disengaged from society. He ‘hates everyone which is conveyed in a close up shot of him purposely writing ‘I hate everyone’ and then angrily underlining ‘everyone’. The family embark on a road trip where they are forced to communicate and work together to get Olive to her beauty contest. Olive tests Dwayne for a colour-blindness test and reveals that he is colour-blind which is emphasised by Frank who says ‘You can’t fly jets if you’re colour-blind’ this destroys everything Dwayne has been working towards and was his only way to escape his dysfunctional family but as his family rediscovers their bond, he begins to accept the outcome. Dwayne and Frank discuss the struggles and depressions of life and a mid-shot of Dwayne yelling with conviction ‘Life is just one beauty contest after another. If I want to fly, I’ll fly’. This demonstrates Dwayne’s value to his family and their uniqueness discovers his drive to succeed despite the obstacles. Dwayne begins as an alienated, depressed teenager and discovers that regardless of obstacles and social norms he will find a way and will not give up. He also now values and appreciates his family who he now dances with after discovering a love for them.
To gain a better understanding of life and people that surround you, an individual must go through challenges to ultimately lead to a discovery. All the characters in these texts went through a discovery and found renewed perception of themselves which took inner courage. Gwen and Richard realised that family and friendships are important and not to worry about a false sense of beauty. Dwayne and Coral overcome depression and social norms to enjoy life and not care about social expectations. All characters emerge with a better understanding of the world and people in their lives. This has changed the way I now view the world as it conveys that if a person has the courage to overcome a challenge that happens in life it can lead to a new understanding of the world and offer a rediscovery of yourself.

Here is your introduction:
Individuals may need to possess an inner power of power and resilience to overcome adversity in a way that leads to discoveries. These discoveries may be challenging but can also lead to new understandings of themselves and their surroundings.

Each body paragraph needs a non-text related introduction that relates to discovery. You won't feel like you're repeating yourself if you take a slightly altered approach to the thesis as you go through. Also, use synonyms! You can also break up your essay body.

The first paragraph could be about individuals needing a power and resilience. The second paragraph could be about the challenging nature of these discoveries. The third paragraph could be about the new understandings. This would mean that you need an integrated essay.

Look at the rubric and feel really comfortable with it. This way, in an exam you are readily equipped with the words of the rubric so that you can throw them into your response in an exam.

Often, it isn't a good idea that students relate their thesis to the essay question before going in. I say this because, if you have a double-barrelled thesis statement ready, and then you get given an essay question to also guide your essay, you have enough variation in discovery vocabulary that you can feel like you're not repeating yourself. This was the technique I always took. So I would go into the exam with two thesis statements ready like what you have already. Then, when the essay question would come, I'd weave it through. This meant that I had something else to direct my paragraphs with other than the original thesis.

Now, this isn't easy. Which is why I think the best way to prepare is to have your two stand alone thesis statements, and then find past papers (or make up your own essay questions based on the rubric) and move through the essay seeing if you can incorporate that. This builds up the skill of incorporating on the spot.

If this sounds daunting to you, I suggest you prepare a third thesis statement that works as a supplement to the rest. You may not need to use this in the exam, but if you feel like you are repeating yourself throughout, you should use this as a way of giving yourself diversity.

You must start your body paragraph with a discovery sentence, it makes sure the marker knows that you know what you are talking about in terms of discovery!

Let me know if this makes sense to you. It is a daunting/big thing to do, but I think it is best. You can let me know what you think. Don't be afraid to message me again!

[elysepopplewell]

Could you please tell me if my structure is good so far, if its any good and if I need to focus on anything!

Hey Amy!

Here is your essay so far:

Spoiler

Discovery refers to the process where existing knowledge is evaluated, challenged and rebuilt with new information. People must be able to open their minds to new ideas, beliefs and values. These discoveries may be emotional, physical and intellectual and may affected people differently. Each discovery has the potential to alter a person’s perspective of their own beliefs and values of the wider world. This discovery can be more climatic for the individual when they are faced with a challenge. In the SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” Raye and Racquel faced a challenge that was heightened in series 1 when they both faced the danger of becoming boat people. They also faced emotional trauma in the Marsudi home and then again with the relatives in the Kenyan refugee camp where they were able to evaluate and change their views on asylum seekers. In the short story “tri” it is not only the narrator who alters his perspective but it is also the reader as they both are confronted about the tragic consequences of racial bullying. We discover that both asylum seekers and the refugee “Tri” face prejudice and life threating situations on a daily basis.
BODY 1
The SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” is an important documentary because of the message and ideas it conveys about the refugees and ‘boat people’. This show is about six participants who were deliberately chosen because they had the ‘views’ of Australian people and where sent on a journey to find out what it was like to live like a refugee and a ‘boat person’. In the first episode Racquel clearly states her beliefs when she say’s “You go to Blacktown and it really is Blacktown. Africans everywhere. This clearly isn’t an aussie place anymore”.

Here are my annotations:
Discovery refers to the process where existing knowledge is evaluated, challenged and rebuilt with new information. AWESOME! People must be able to open their minds to new ideas, beliefs and values. These discoveries may be emotional, physical and intellectual and may affected people differently.If you mention emotional, physical and intellectual, you have to be sure that they will feature in the rest of the essay. Each discovery has the potential to alter a person’s perspective of their own beliefs and values of the wider world. This discovery can be more climatic for the individual when they are faced with a challenge. This introduction is different because I spend my time on here telling every person that they need to lengthen their discovery concepts in the intro. Here you are with four sentences! Each of your ideas of discovery are very rich. I do suggest that you try cut it to three. Your last sentence is quite short, so you can add it to the sentence introducing the textbook or you can connect it with the one that precedes it. In the SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” Raye and Racquel faced a challenge that was heightened in series 1 when they both faced the danger of becoming boat people. I would put "boat people" in speech marks. They also faced emotional trauma in the Marsudi home and then again with the relatives in the Kenyan refugee camp where they were able to evaluate and change their views on asylum seekers. If you had to cut a sentence from this paragraph it would be the one I put in italics. This is because it is story re-tell, and is better suited for a body paragraph.In the short story “tri” it is not only the narrator who alters his perspective but it is also the reader as they both are confronted about the tragic consequences of racial bullying. We discover that both asylum seekers and the refugee “Tri” face prejudice and life threating situations on a daily basis. People have different opinions about the inclusive first person in an AOS essay. To avoid conflicting opinions, I just left it out entirely in my own essay. You can replace "we" with readers.
BODY 1
You have so many statements above about discovery. You need to start your body paragraphs with a discovery related sentence. So you re-word your thesis statement (or weave in the essay question) into the start of each body paragraph. You choose the one that you will explore specifically in the paragraph.The SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” is an important documentary because of the message and ideas it conveys about the refugees and ‘boat people’. This show is about six participants who were deliberately chosen because they had the ‘views’ of Australian people and where sent on a journey to find out what it was like to live like a refugee and a ‘boat person’. In the first episode Racquel clearly states her beliefs when she say’s “You go to Blacktown and it really is Blacktown. Africans everywhere. This clearly isn’t an Aussie place anymore”.


Hopefully what I've said about the thesis statement makes sense! Each body paragraph should be directed by one in order to maximise the mark you leave on the reader regarding your understanding of DISCOVERY. However, the ideas your expressed in your introduction about discovery are so, so awesome. So you should definitely continue to use them throughout.

If you haven't already, here is an essay I wrote on GBTWYCF for the AOS essay! Glad to see someone else doing the same text, finally!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi this is part of my essay on away. Im having trouble in cutting down on words. This paragraph is meant to be 200 words but its 340 words. Please help me thanks!

Hey Katherine! I've done a quick annotation of your paragraph:

Spoiler

Self-awareness gained from introspective discovery is often resisted due to fear and trauma, however, it can be prompted through the interaction with new worlds and others. Great conceptual start, though try replacing the word prompted with something different, like encouraged? In Away, Gow demonstrates Gwen’s change in perception through her unexpected loss of her materialistic possessions, which triggers an emotional discovery of her own callous and pessimistic attitude that has fractured her family relationships. Gwen’s obsession with finding security in material things stems from her traumatic experience of poverty during the Great Depression of the 1960s, which has distorted her views. Don't focus on the characters in the text, focused on how they are represented by Gow. This is exemplified in her hyperbolic tone, "We've got a new caravan…everything in it you could want" which highlights her belief that materialistic pursuits are the key to discovering happiness. Gwen is critical of Tom’s socioeconomic status, where she informs Meg that “No one asked them to come out to this country…I will not have you hanging around with that kind of life”. Gwen’s use of high modality language and a spiteful tone, convey that she is principally driven by fears of economic insecurity and thus imposes her prejudicial attitude onto on her daughter. It is not until the dramatic storm, a symbolic manifestation of chaos but also renewal, that strips away Gwen’s possessions, shattering her sense of material security, rendering her vulnerable. After she discovers Tom’s impending death, she experiences anagnorisis, and becomes aware of her abrasive manner and condescension that have allowed her to reduce relationships to mere possessions. Her moment of self-reflection is portrayed through her apologetic, humbled conversation with Jim, “I’m sorry”, and accumulated rhetorical questions "what do you think of me? You must hate me?...”. Gwen’s transformation is captured through the stage direction which marks the reconciliation of her family, whereby Meg helps Gwen by "carr[ying] in the suitcases" and Jim "embrace(s)" Gwen. These kind and affectionate gestures communicate the family’s cohesion and reconciliation after Gwen discovers the lasting significance of love beyond material worth. Through a process of re-evaluating her values, she realises that relationships cannot be reduced to mere possessions, thus culminating in a renewed perspective. Excellent conclusion!

I like this paragraph, but remember the focus should be on composer choice, not the characters themselves! It should always be the COMPOSER's use of TECHNIQUE, not the characters. To cut back, look for the sentences where you have focused on the composer (Gow) and his choices which convey meaning. The rest becomes non-essential, either scrap them or work on them some more to get the analysis there! This should hopefully have the natural side effect of trimming the fat a little bit for you.

[Paigeyy]

Hey hi. Firstly I want to thank you for doing this! This whole site in specific has literally been the most helpful thing in regards to prep for half yearlies.
The concerns I have with my essay are the intro. I don't believe I have a strong introduction and I'm not sure whether I've linked my thesis to each of the paragraphs.
The question we had to answer was along the lines of;
"How have the composers of both your prescribed text and related text conveyed the concept of discovery?"

Thank you!

[elysepopplewell]

Hey hi. Firstly I want to thank you for doing this! This whole site in specific has literally been the most helpful thing in regards to prep for half yearlies.
The concerns I have with my essay are the intro. I don't believe I have a strong introduction and I'm not sure whether I've linked my thesis to each of the paragraphs.
The question we had to answer was along the lines of;
"How have the composers of both your prescribed text and related text conveyed the concept of discovery?"

Thank you!

Hey Paige! I'm really thrilled that ATAR Notes is helping you, it makes me really happy and makes what we do worth it!

What I'll do here, is specifically look at your intro, then I'll highlight where I see your thesis in the paragraphs!

Intro:
The thematic (I'm just not sure about thematic? protean? diverse? versatile? Thematic doesn't do justice, I think) nature of discovery results in its existence in every aspect of the world and its inhabitants. They are often the catalyst for an individual’s shift in identity and perspectives, having the potential to shape the way we view the world. (Excellent use of rubric here). While these revelations may come to those who seek new knowledge, sometimes new truths are thrown upon an individual who will then interpret and adapt these to their existing understandings. These discoveries can appear in a myriad of forms that are either isolated or in collaboration with one another. (At this point, in the essay you sent me, there was a break between this first and second part of the intro. This should all be one)The late Che Guevara explores these concepts in his travel memoire, The Motorcycle Diaries. Che and his friend Alberto journey across Latin America as their curiosity leads them to unanticipated discoveries. The blog Humans of New York, composed by Brandon Stanton, exposes the collateral damage of the Syrian war on individuals who have since fled (This sentence here needs a mention of the word discovery). Both of these texts explore discovery and its impact on the individual, extending to challenge the responder in regard to their preconceived views.  In all, this is an excellent introduction. What I absolutely LOVE is that you are fleshing out discovery as being versatile before you even touch the texts. This is exactly what is required of an AOS introduction!

Here are the thesis statements that start your paragaphs:
"The accumulation of multiple discoveries as a result of exploring new terrain, both physically and mentally, can contribute to the development of an individual’s identity." What would be really cool, is embedding the identity idea into the introduction, just by adding it to one of the sentences. That would make a clearer link! This thesis statement is awesome.

"While an individual can unexpectedly stumble across a discovery, sometimes the discovery is sought after in order to expand on one’s knowledge and understanding of new concepts." This one is a little more confusing. I'm not sure how it is that the person unexpectedly stumbles across something that they are seeking? You might have to tweak the words a little here to make this idea clearer.

"Discoveries are not subject to one single form and it is often that one kind of discovery will lead to new perspectives on other levels, such as emotional, spiritual, tangible and intangible." Very good!

"Sometimes the discovery of an individual forces a drastic change in their way of life, and not necessarily for the best." This is interesting, because it talks about discovery being in a negative light even though I hadn't gotten that feeling from your introduction, that you were going to talk about a negative discovery? So at this point I would go back to the intro, make sure it is encompassing of all that you want to discuss, whilst still leaving enough for you to touch on in a new voice later on!


Thanks for getting in contact, hopefully this makes sense and you understand what I'm saying. If not, definitely post back and I will rephrase my suggestions

[Paigeyy]

Thank you so much for giving me criticism! It helped a lot and it was super encouraging to hear that you liked it. I understood all your critique and I've made adjustments.

[elysepopplewell]

Thank you so much for giving me criticism! It helped a lot and it was super encouraging to hear that you liked it. I understood all your critique and I've made adjustments.

Yay! I'm super thrilled to hear this

[katherine123]

Hi how am i supposed to fit the question "Curiosity is essential to finding a true sense of discovery" to the character Gwen in Away when her discovery is instigated by necessity not curiosity?

What are some possible thesis I can come up with " discoveries can allow us to speculate future possibilities"?
My intro to this question: "discoveries may challenge individuals' perceptions and broaden their understanding of self and the world, leading them to speculate upon the possible outcome of the change in their attitudes and beliefs"

For the first sentence of my intro, can i give a definition of discovery not relating to the ques, but relate it in the second sentence.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi, can you please take a look at m Advanced English y AOS essay for Life of Pi and Fight Club. Thanks!

Hey WLalex!! I'd be honoured, I've attached your essay below with some helpful comments, I hope it helps!! 

Spoiler

Each new discovery brings consequences for the individual.  Discuss how the composers of your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text have explored the personal consequences of discovery.

With each new discovery, one has to accept that consequences may follow. These ramifications can be both enhancing or diminishing, forcing one to act and acknowledge a previous perception that may now be false. Discoveries can change the way one sees the world and society, propelling an individual to confront truths about themselves. Discoveries can challenge the self both physically and psychologically with the ramifications of crossing the barrier between known and unknown resulting in a new understanding. Each new discovery won’t come without consequences. Fantastic concepts in here! I would recommend streamlining this a little bit, simplify your concept and express it in two sentences. Then, there are some things you need in your introduction that are missing. First, you need to introduce the texts (and authors) you will be discussing, and only then do you need to list what your paragraphs will be about (in a single sentence, much more concise than what you have at the moment). Finally, some kind of more conclusive sentence linking the text to the concept.

Provocative discoveries can change the way one sees the world and society. A breakthrough can hold damaging ramification as it can challenge everything that was one known, resulting in renewed perspectives that aren’t always wanted. I would suggest bringing the text and author in here, introduce it and say how it relates to your concept (which I love by the way). Ang Lee uses her beginning to emphasis the charm-like childhood Pi has grown up around, with up beat non-diegetic sound and slow dissolve shots of the zoo and himself. Keep in mind that Ang Lee is a male! The India emergency acts as a catalyst where Pi discovers that not everything is perfect or as he put it, “the world had lost some of its enchantment”. This is paired with rain and washed out colours to signify Pi’s change in tone and, consequently, affecting the way he views life. Similar to Pi, Palahniuk uses the discovery of Tyler as the narrators trigger in which he undergo’s a shifting perspective on the life he lives. He concludes that “maybe self improvement isn't the answer. Maybe self-destruction is the answer”, the use of repetition allows the audience to witness the contrasting beliefs of the narrators old self, as he views the world from a different perspective. It can be seen that new discoveries can result in the ramification of evaluating what used to be, and such with the narrator, he is now going about life differently. Pi is also seen to have a moment of understanding that has resulted from his journey. Lee also speaks to the viewer through the intensity of the scene, using a emotive close up of Pi’s face with the evaluated dialogue when Pi realised that realised that “the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye”. Here Pi is referring to the unceremonious depart of Richard Parker which allowed him to reflect on his journey as a mechanism which transformed the way he looked at life. Discoveries can have consequential damages to the way an individual chooses to view the world. This paragraph contains some excellent techniques and examples from your chosen text, fantastic! What is missing is analysis, right now you are slipping into retell. You are giving a quote, a technique, and then recounting what it shows about the character. Instead, use the quote and technique to show how Lee has demonstrated the discovery concept! This is the missing link here. Further, something like a, "Therefore, it is clear that discoveries can have" at the start of your conclusive sentence would be great!

Discovery can propel an individual to confront renewed truth’s about themselves. The revelation of truth can result in a renewed understanding about ones purpose and objective, leaving one either revitalised or demoralised. Pi is forced to confront and ultimately accept his possible morality through the use of storms which is viewed as a symbolic turning point in the film. Storms are a recurring motif, representing Pi’s internal struggle. When the storm passes, the calmness shows change and rebirth as Pi has accepted his state and made progress with Richard Parker. A long shot of Pi’s raft in the vast ocean reminds the viewed of his vulnerability in a much wider world which exists beyond Pi and his situation. His dialogue, "Thank you for giving me my life. I'm ready now," is followed by a fade to black, signifying an ending and change of direction in the film. Pi, at this time, discovers that he cannot fear death and now that his rage and fear are gone, he can focus on saving himself and Richard Parker with a revitalised outlook on his situation. Contrastingly, Palahniuk uses his narrators discovery to emphasise that the truth can obliterate ones purpose, ultimately destroying them. The audience learn through a hyperbole that Tyler never existed and the narrator was merely “fighting everything [he] hates in [his] life.” This truth leaves the narrator questioning who he says, “how you always kill the things you love, well, it works both ways.” Palahniuk uses this as an allusion to the things humans loves that are ultimately destroying them. The narrator is left demoralised after Tyler, the man he idolised, turns out to be his split personality. The narrator is then confronted by all he has done and recognises his dissatisfaction with the truth and ultimately his being. The truth that comes with discoveries can either be too much for one to handle or can leave them with a revitalised purpose. Your techniques are fantastic in this paragraph, like incredible, but again, it is missing the analysis. What does the author show us about discovery, and how? How does Palahniuk's approach differ/agree with Lee's?

Discoveries can challenge the self both physically and psychologically. A new discovery can have meaningful consequences, challenging an individuals outlook, impacting the way they think and act. Pi’s childhood was based around an allusion of both god and himself, being challenged when he is forced to face problems head on. The evolution of Pi both physically and mentally is signified through the recurring motif of storms, which Pi recognises as a mechanism which strips him as he commented that “you can not know the strength of your faith until it has been tested”. Pi is continually commenting on the impact the discoveries he made about himself had on shaping him as a being. As Pi kills and eats a fish, a voice over is used from an older Pi, commenting that “hunger can change everything you ever though you knew about yourself”, foreshadowing the effects the primitive nature of survival has had on him. As the audience discovers the narrators hallucination in Fight Club, they are left to see the unfolding of dramatic effects both externally and internally. The narrator begins to realise that everything he though mattered is really meaningless and through repeating negative connotation, the narrators attitude is emphasises being that “[he] should run from self improvement and [he] should be running towards disaster. [He] cant just play it safe anymore”. A hyperbole is used to emphasise the effect Tyler is having on the narrator’s outlook on life, influencing his sense of self. As the narrator embeds himself in Fight Club, it becomes a place of salvation for him, giving to him what religion never could. A metaphor is used to interconnect the ideology of church as “theres hysterical shouting in tongues like at church, and when you wake up Sunday afternoon you feel saved”. This alludes to the way meaning can be derived throughout life, challenging and evolving the self. See the comments above, the comments above hold here as well. This paragraph is dangerously close to just straight recounts at some stage, be sure to keep the focus on analysis!

When the barrier between known and unknown is broken, ones can gain a new understanding. One can re-evaluate their lives as a result of the ramifications of discoveries. Lee shows the transformation of Pi through his figurative battle he undergoes with himself based on what he believes. Pi’s story comes to a complete circle during a close up of Pi’s face against the sand where it was “warm and soft, like pressing [his] face against the cheek of god”. This simile signifies that Pi has ultimately reached a culmination
in his deliverance to faith which he was able to discover as a result of his ordeal. Comparatively, the narrator in Fight Club experiences a downhill spiral once discovering who he is is not who he thought he was. Fight club served as a mechanism for the narrator to be who he wanted to be without acknowledging it and when the barrier is broken-down he realises that “the game is over. Its not fun anymore”. A metaphor not only highlights the narrators delusional state by referring to his destruction as a ‘game’ but also the negativity repercussions his discovery has caused. New understandings can evolve from discoveries as a result of their consequences and repercussions.

Each new discoveries brings consequences for the individual based on what is being discovered. They can change the way one views the world and everything around them as they are forced to confront hidden truths about themselves. The result of discoveries can challenge the self both physically and psychologically with the ramifications causing an individual to gain new understandings. The price of discovering the unknown is the arias of consequences based on how far an individual is willing to go. I love this conclusion! You just need to bring in the texts you have discussed to get a full sense of closure.

This essays big strength is its textual referencing; your quotes are fabulous and you have a great variety of literary and film techniques! Brilliant!

There are a few areas I think you need to work on, all of which I mentioned briefly above. The big point is this: Analysis . You are quoting and assigning a technique to quotes BRILLIANTLY, like bloody brilliantly. However, you are then using this example to show us something about a character in the text. This is retell. What we need instead is for you to use this as evidence to show how Lee or Palahniuk have represented a discovery concept in their text (specifically, the discovery concept you are discussing in that paragraph).

EG (totally made up) - Smith's use of figurative imagery in the protagonists introductory dialogue, "The sky of diamonds," portrays a sense of hope and opportunity to the audience and communicates the opportunities presented by a discovery experience.

I have a technique, a quote, and what it does for the audience. This is where you should be aiming.

This said, you have a great backbone here! Try working on this and feel free to post your essay again for some more feedback! We'd love to help out some more 

[aamyylouiisee]

Would you be able to look over my essay and give me some pointers!

[liiz]

Hello I posted this in the Advanced English marking forum as well, but I think it might be better if I posted here instead. Just hoping someone can give me as much feedback as possible please for this essay (actually to be presented as a speech!). It's the first time I've done a related text because we didn't do one in year 11 for some reason, so I just wanted to make sure my structure and analysis is okay, whether I've really answered the question enough and if there's any parts I should cut out because it's too long for the time limit.
Thank you so much!!!

Spoiler

Discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs. How accurately does this statement reflect the ideas represented in your prescribed text and ONE related text.   
               
CRITERIA:
• Formulate a question based on the HSC Advanced English Rubric
• Demonstrate an informed understand of the ideas expressed in the text
• Evaluate the text’s language, content and construction
• Organise, develop and express ideas using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form
               
Marcel Proust once said, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscape but in having new eyes.” As such, discoveries, whether serendipitous or sought, ultimately involve the acquisition of greater knowledge and a new perspective. In William Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Jane Campion’s 1993 film The Piano, the discovery of the political truth and the redemptive power of forgiveness enable characters to affirm and challenge their previously held attitudes and beliefs in order to attain new paradigms of themselves.

The discovery of the political truth within The Tempest enables the Elizabethan Provincial order to be challenged. In the opening scene, the initial stage directions of “a tempestuous noise of thunder and lightening” is used to thrust the audience and characters into the plight of the action, creating dramatic tension and symbolising the destructive forces of human nature. As the storm ravages on, the fragility of power hierarchies are revealed and, in the face of death, rendered meaningless. This is communicated through the boatswain’s imperative tone in “What care these roarers for the name of king? … Trouble us not.” Antonio and Sebastian are furious at the social inversion and the audacity of the boatswain, communicated through their degrading insults such as "insolent noisemaker” and strong tone. Prospero’s ethnocentric worldview is affirmed by his belief in his superiority to other characters, further reflecting the Renaissance concept of colonisation and the patriarchal society. At the beginning of the play, Prospero's rulership is absolute, depending upon the enslavery of subordinate characters including Ariel and Caliban. Shakespeare includes a deliberate use of sarcasm and repetition when Prospero addresses Ariel in “Doust thou forget from what a torment I did free thee? Hast thou forgot her?” reflects how she owes Prospero loyalty and service. Additionally, Shakespeare employs deliberate dramatic irony in the fact that Prospero who had his power unjustly usurped by his brother Alonso, himself becomes the perpetrator of abuse and theft. This is highlighted through Caliban’s direct and accusatory language in “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me” and Shakespeare near anagram of the word ‘oppressor’ for Prospero. Furthermore, Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” is met with her submissive tone. Like Ada in The Piano, Miranda embodies the subordinate female within the patriarchal society through her gentle and relatively passive nature. This is highlighted in her empathetic tone “O, I have suffered with those that I saw suffer!” Whilst the tempest confronts the Elizabethan Order of the island, Prospero’s power over other characters acts to assert his superiority and leadership. As such, through the discovery of the political truth and the concept of dominance, The Tempest reflects the idea that discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs.

This is comparable to Campions enigmatic film, The Piano which explores the discovery of the political truth and patriarchal society, evident during the context of mid-Victorian times. Ada is a young Scottish woman exiled by her father and “marooned” thousands of miles to an island, like Prospero and Miranda,  in an arranged marriage. The overture scene is audibly differentiated from the rest of the film, as Ada speaks directly to the audience. Through the employment of a non-diegetic voiceover -  “The voice you hear is not my speaking voice, but my mind’s voice” - Ada’s self-imposed muteness affirms her discovery of the hegemonic forces of the Victorian society, where she is dominated by the men above her, echoing the enslavement of Ariel and Caliban in The Tempest. Internal focalization creates an intensely intimate tone throughout the film as the audience is led by Ada’s perspective as she discovers her new place amidst the wilderness of New Zealand. Campion’s use of intensely blurred point of view and tilt angle shots create a hallucinatory effect conveying the overwhelming sense of isolation Ada feels. Additionally, the boggy undergrowth in which Ada finds so difficult to move and the forest becoming the limit of her horizons suggests her inability to escape. Throughout the film Ada’s husband, Stewart, is also identified with an axe, seen carrying it and chopping wood, associating him with the patriarchal and colonial destruction. Similarly to how Prospero’s power is dependent on his threats of life imprisonment and violence against other characters, Stewart’s power over Ada is a direct result of his decision to confine Ada to their house and cut off her fingers as retribution for her affair with Baines. However, many aspects of the film do represent Ada as a strong willed and powerful female who pursues freedom and equality. By doing so, Campion challenges audiences previously held belief in Ada’s submission and inferiority. The protagonist’s love for Baines is symbolic of her yearning to be freed from oppression and slavery. This is reiterated throughout the film as outside Stewart’s house the trees are gray and withered whereas Baine’s wooden-hut is amongst trees that are green and prosperous, blending in with the surrounding forest. Ada’s discovery of an equal relationship with Baines enables her to question her previously held attitude of passivity and asserts her desire of a new, free life. This is comparable to Gonzalo’s discovery of the beauty and tranquility of the island within The Tempest, leading him to envision a utopian world with future possibilities of an egalitarian society. As such, The Piano explores the discovery of the political truth as a process of challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes, leading to a change in one’s perspective of themselves and the world around them.

The Tempest is concerned with the need for the redemptive power of forgiveness in the face of man’s inhumanity. Throughout the play, Prospero’s aim has been revenge, however, in the final act, he is finally moved to mercy. This is attributed to Ariel’s lyrical rhythm and vivid imagery when describing the prisoner’s remorsefulness in “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds,” evoking an emotional response within Prospero. As Ariel continues, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…mine would, sir, were I human,” his measured words and respectful tone acts as a catalyst for Prospero’s self-discovery. The fricative consonants and sharp tone in “my purpose doth extend not a frown further. Go, release them” suggests Prospero’s sudden realisation of his own inhumanity and the repercussions of his actions. Thus, Prospero decides to free his prisoners from their island captivity like Stewart enables Ada to leave their marriage in The Piano. As Prospero’s challenges his previously held self-illusions, Shakespeare dramatically presents human fallibility and the potential for action through moral judgement. Prospero’s reconsideration of his humanity is reiterated through the iambic pentameter of his speech, “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance.” His periods of neglectful rulership in Milan and his dreams of vengeance have hindered him from claiming the fullness of kindness and mercy.  Although his enemies have wronged him deeply, Prospero uncovers his own conscious through his “nobler reason.” Furthermore, by abandoning his “fury” and “drowning” his magic books, Prospero attains a new perspective as he discovers the value of ethical leadership and benevolence. Therefore, the discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness as explored within The Tempest involves challenging an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs to attain new knowledge.

Similarly to Prospero, Ada from The Piano challenges and affirms her perspective of herself by means of self-forgiveness. Abused by her husband and repressed by the gender constraints of Victorian morality, Ada’s reckless attempt to end her own life is presented in a visually complex scene. Whilst leaving her arranged marriage and sailing to a new village with Baines, Ada pushes her beloved piano over the gunwale. She impulsively decides to sacrifice herself along with it, as a sudden close up shot captures her foot entangled in one of the binding ropes. Michael Nyman’s plaintive score and Campion’s slow-motion underwater cinematography stress the suspense and gravity of Ada’s decision. As the piano sinks, it represents the weight of the past and its ability to drag Ada to her death. She gazes calmly for a period, apparently reconciled to this death that she seems to have willed. Then, without premonition, she slips her shoe out of the knot that holds it and frees herself. Only when facing death, as her non-diegetic voice-over communicates, does her “will choose life.” As such, Ada leaves behind Stewart’s unyielding patriarchal ways and approaches life with a man associated with the Maori’s egalitarian perspective on life. Her rejection of the piano in the sea’s liminal space signifies her refusal of the circumstances that caused her to retreat to this voiceless oasis of expression. As Prospero drowns his magic books to discover the redemptive power of forgiveness, Ada severs her connection with her piano, that similarly gave her the power to express herself, to attain rejuvenation and become a better person. At the end of the film, Ada is practicing the rediscovered art of speech with Baines in a light-filled shot with a harmonious score, symbolising this new life. As such, comparable to The Tempest, the protagonist in The Piano, eventually obtains self-salvation and develops a new perspective of herself by challenging her previously held beliefs and attitudes.

Discoveries are complex and transformative. William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island to that of the political truth behind social hierarchies and the redemptive power of forgiveness. These discoveries continue in Jane Campion’s film The Piano through the representation of relationships that seek to control and shape the lives of others as well as the liberating potential of self-forgiveness. Whilst essentially different, both texts represent discoveries as a journey of attaining new perspectives of ourselves by challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes.