Persuasive writing feedback needed please !!

[Sarahxx16]

Hey, I need some feedback on my persuasive writing for English and i know it isn’t good but I need some feedback so I can improve on it . Thanks

Equality, ethics/morals,human rights is what every human on this planet is entitled to. We’re all born naturally, the way God has created us in the womb and without human interference. We are all alike by going through similar obstacles in life that shapes our identity as an individual. But yet, there are many elements which some people may see as unacceptable within society.  The idea of genetic modification of  future children contributes to the negative role and influence that has been placed onto individuals within society. Today, scientists are already starting to Genetically Modify Organisms (GMO) that has caused a major outbreak about the logistics and ethics that surround the topic. The issues that may erupt due to this controversial topic are unknown to society because the process of GMOs is confidential and it is a work in progress formula which changes the form of the organic and original growth.

Louis Thomas McFadden a Republican member of the United States House of Representatives from Pennsylvania, stated  “ The cloning of human is on most of the lists of things to worry about from science , along with …genetic engineering”. Individuals within society are interested in Genetic Modification as it may reduce the risk of the unborn organism developing a form of disability, disease. It allows parents to make a decision on the final characteristics and or features (using IVF) that their child will develop throughout their lifetime.  Genetic Modification has been a controversial topic because society witnesses the issue as being something that affects ethics, morals and legitimacy. They believe that there is a chance of creating new disease and viruses due to the undiscovered organisms.

The idea may seem like a achievable goal but this will eventually lead to discrimination towards disadvantaged groups and people with disabilities, ethical and social issues, a possibility of creating new diseases and virus and also putting children in terrible risk of being experimented on.

 Firstly, The idea that scientist and even individuals want to genetic modify children so that they are not born with a disability shows a discrimination towards people with disabilities and their  rights and this will also marginalise disadvantaged groups in society. The issue is that it discriminates disability rights which were discussed at the National Convening on Disability Rights and Genetic Technologies, that “reinforces societal assumptions that disability is always harmful and should be prevented”. This emphasise the fact that when the use of genetic modification technology becomes common, people with disabilities will be less valued in society for example campaigns for public education for people with disabilities. Not only will it discriminate people but new discrimination can be created for example only people who can afford it can use the process whereas those less fortunate, are unable to receive this when they may need it more.

Secondly, Some Individuals say that genetically modifying future children is ethically wrong and should not be used. Every religious group has their  own beliefs on how humans are created for example in Islam, they believe that God created humans in a specific way and if scientist start to genetically modify children then it goes against what Muslims believe in, which could create a controversial argument . Even if people don’t believe in a religion and they believe in science, in the past, it wasn’t even an idea to change the genes of an organism because everyone believed it was the creation of God and no one should interfere with it.

Thirdly, There are diseases and viruses that till today scientist haven’t found the cause and cure for it. If scientist decides to use genetic modification this can lead to the creation of new diseases and viruses. The reason for this is because scientist don’t have enough knowledge and research about this method and when they rearrange organisms, they are able to create a disease which can lead to a serious epidemic. It’s so easy to create a new disease without having a cure . This can lead to serious harm on people and the environment . If scientist don’t have enough knowledge on this, then will happen which will create chaos.

Finally, In order to make genetic modification successful, not only with research be enough but scientist has to experiment on children. This can put children in risk of being harmed and even kill them. Human experiment has been operated since the early 1700s, where lots of people have lost their life due to this. In the 2001 paper, Dr Adil shamoo estimated that approximately 19 million people have participated in medical experiments each year. These numbers will increase every year and some of them are children. Not only will children be experimented on with no prediction of the results but the ungrown organism will be harmed in the process. This is like another example when Adolf Hitler tried to make twins by experimenting on children.

In conclusion , the idea of genetically modifying future children is ethically wrong in so many ways. Even thinking about it, is absolutely unethical, unnatural and should not be allowed to be practiced and used on anyone unless it’s for a serious medical issues and not for parents to use if they are unsatisfied with what they think their children will look and be like.

[KHarris]

Hi Sarah,
I noticed no one has given you feedback yet so I thought I would put in my two cents.
Assuming this is meant to be an essay, the first thing I would do is run a spell-check through your document to get rid of any little typos and mistakes you may have made. You have many good points and interesting ideas. All that's needed is to revise your structure a little and try and develop your ideas a bit more! As a general rule for structure, you should have the introduction, then a minimum of two body paragraphs, then a clear concluding paragraph. Rather than numbering them (e.g. firstly, secondly, thirdly) try to write something in the final sentences of your paragraph that will tie into your next paragraph so the reader can connect the arguments and follow your line of thought more easily. So in your essay you could link your paragraph on disability discrimination to religious objections through a theme, such as "genetic modification strips people of choice" etc. Having a common argument or tone to your essay helps you make connections. Also remember to use as formal language as you can in essays - so no "we're" or "you're", and no references to "I" and "myself"!
Your final paragraph on genetic modification and medical experiments is a firecracker of a paragraph - it hooks people in and grabs their attention! My opinion is that you should try and develop that more. It's a strong idea and would be a good way to get people interested in your essay right off the bat, if you wanted to use it earlier. Obviously, it's up to you.
Good luck on your essay Sarah, and let us know how it goes! 

[Sarahxx16]

Hey, thanks for the feedback but this is more of a persuasive writing and not an essay.