Update - 29/11/20 - I Can't Believe It's Over
Did that just happen? I can't comprehend that my 13 years of education has finally come to an end. I have so many surreal memories of my younger self going "that's never going to happen," "that's so far away." I remember graduating from year 6 believing that going through primary school had taken the longest time ever, and that going into highschool would feel the exact same. To some degree it did. Years 7 to 10 for me all blurred into one, sometimes I swear i'm still living in 2015 it's weird. I've made friends, lost some, moved away from where I lived for 15 years, found out I had some health stuff, got into book reading, found out that i'm decent at english (I hated this subject since prep, and still do), dealt with itchy uniform skirts', had some great teachers, some terrible ones and along this entire school journey from perp to year 12 I still can't comprehend that's it's done. Knowing that it's over brings me the two feelings of joy and grief.
Joy, because I can now finally do something that I want to do for myself. I've been putting schooling above everything else in my life for the past three years (not one of my greatest decisions mind you), and i've barely had anytime for myself and my hobbies. I can't wait to do cooking, baking, crochet, pretending that I can paint/draw, clean up my room, paint that said room and hang out with family and friends. After year 11, I was completely burnt out, I did nothing on the school holidays and I still felt burnt out. So coming into year 12 I wasn't in the best state of motivation, and I felt as if I was a deflated basketball that had to keep being used as it was the only ball available. I'm also so unbelievably happy to say goodbye to english. Thank goodness I never have to do that ever again. I dragged myself through 13 years of it, and never again. I already said goodbye to school uniforms when I left mainstream, but those were so uncomfortable (looking at you winter skirts.....) so yay that that will never be a thing I have to do. So yeah, there is definitely plenty of joy when I think of leaving school!
Now for the sad part, the grief. I think i'm always going to morn that stuff in highschool that could have happened. I didn't get to meet any of my year 12 teachers this year due to covid, I wasn't able to get to a science lab, or go to a formal or camp. I'll always feel a bit sad when I think back on all the times I missed out on certain "key highschool moments," or the great relationships I formed with my teachers, to my fellow peers I sat with everyday in class. I'll also feel a bit sad that due to some health issues, I never really got the full highschool experience. But overall, the stuff to be sad about isn't all that bad, and it's a good feeling to close a door (after my atar...) to this part of my life.
Regrets?
I have a few, not many though. I really wish I took food studies 3/4 in year 11 along with bio to get six subjects total by picking up another this year. Regretted doing methods online (never again.....). Not keeping in touch with some of my earlier teachers when I could have. So yeah, not many regrets, but still a few that make me think, ahh wish I did that instead!
Now, I didn't post this update the actual day I finished exams. I finished on Thursday, and the emotions were definitely mixed. I bombed chem, which left me so down and frustrated with myself, and then I did okay in food studies which kind of just melowed out the feelings. I spent the rest of the day shopping with my mum, we went all the way out to the city, never found a park after an hour, so we went to St Kilda, then Brighton and spent 3 hours in traffic to get home. So after all that, I just came home and crashed. I just kinda slept for two days and read books and tried to tell my brain to shut up. With that all going through my mind, I just wasn't up to posting something so soon. So here is how those last two exams went:
Chemistry
I left that exam feeling more upset than I did for biology, and that's saying something. I never cried after bio, I just felt numb, but with this exam, I just burst into tears after walking out of that exam. I woke up the morning with just terrible pain in my stomach (yay health), felt dizzy and headachey all the way to the exam room, sat down feeling just crap, and tried to push myself to do an exam whilst feeling awful. I couldn't concentrate or think right. I just couldn't tell the difference between a condensation reaction or a hydrolysis reaction, didn't read questions (that one with the percentage..... I didn't leave it in a percentage because I didn't see that part), I ran out of time and left the last question plus 5 marks in the SA blank, and 8 whole multiple choice unanswered (I did randomly colour in the boxes last minute though in 30 seconds, but didn't have time to work it out). I thought the exam was easy too. The topics were right up my alley, the last question was easy this year compared to others, and I just didn't do well at all.
Just like bio, I think when you know you're good at this subject, when you love and enjoy it to your hearts content, work so hard to do you're best, but yet other factors get in the way, it's gut retching. I didn't care about what score I got for methods as I hated the subject, but with chem, it has been my favourite science since I learnt what chem was, It's what I want to pursue when go to university, and to just know that you're favourite subject, is the one you bombed, is one of the worst feelings I've felt in the world. I'm not quite over it yet, and just dread the score i'm going to get, but I'm tyring to move past it the best I can.
Food Studies
I can end my crazy exam stuff on a mildy positive note. I think I did okay. The exam was a little harder this year, but overall pretty decent, the 10 marker was nice however I feel like an idiot, and only when I just finished, I found another half a page of writing space..... that I didn't see, so facepalm me. Also this was just so dumb:
How is a steak cooked on a grill?
A) Radiation
B) Convection
C) Conduction
D) Microwave
It was A...... but I picked B, because I had this whole over thinking moment of confusing electromagnetic radiation as the only type of radiation possible with microwaves. Big facepalm on that one. It's annoying because my gut was A, but I over thought it, changed my mind and went B ahhhh! Anyway, the rest of the questions went fine, I answered all of them with 5 minutes to spare, and there were only a few where I was just like what is that..... Overall, i'm okay with my performance, not super happy, just fine. I put my pen down, and walked out feeling pretty happy with myself, and ecstatic that it was finally over. Then I shopped and napped for 2 days lol.
How i'd rate my exams:
1) English
2) Food Studies
3) Chemistry
4) Methods
Never thought i'd be happy with english being my best exam but there you go.
Odd ball thoughts:
I have never gone through so many pens this year..... In primary school I always never ran out of pens, this year I went through 23.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I still feel oddly guilt for not studying even though there is nothing to study.
I've already played 7 hours of stardew valley....
OMG I have so much to read, and the last book on an ember in the ashes is coming out in 4 days!
I'm scared of my new dentist this week since my regular one retired earlier this year...
I won't be getting my drivers license till next year, a story for another time, very pissed off.
My plant survived year 12 with me, I really need to water it......
And finally, I can't believe it's almost Christmas.
So for now, this is it for a while. I'll still be around on the forums, and I may revive my baking journal as I get more back into my passions. Congratulations to everyone whose made it through this crazy year, and enjoy the break! (good luck to all the LOTE kids still going, not long to go).
I really didn't mean for this to be soooooo long..... but this is always seems to happen woopps.....