The diverse views on the world can be exhibited through unique voices. These voices can be either negative or positive in nature and which cause the personas and audience to view the world in either a destructive or optimistic light.
I'm not sure this sentence makes sense. Do you mean that an individual is capable of perceiving the work in both a positive and negative way, and thus the way a character discusses their perspective will lead to a similar feeling in the audience? Maybe just neaten up the sentence; read it outloud to make sure that it makes sense! In Komninos’ poem, ‘back to melbourne’ the personas’ voice is nostalgic in the beginning but turns cynical towards the end. Contrastingly, Nelson Mandela’s speech, ‘Address in Capetown, 1990’ beholds a positive voice filled with justice and
evokes notions of? the oppressed rising up against the oppressors; Mandela did this speech after being released from three decades as a political prisoner for protesting against Africa’s apartheid and prejudice against people of colour.
He 'made' the speech. Thus, both composers utilise their distinctive voices to sway the audience to perceive the world from their perspective.
Great! The thesis is strong, and easily understood. I think you could rework some of your sentences, just to make them a little less clunky. Read them out loud, and if they sounds a little off, change them. Still, great introduction!In ‘back to melbourne’, Komninos coerces the viewer into hearing a nostalgic voice. The use of lists does this
Instead, when discussing techniques, say something like 'the use of the technique of lists results in...' as the persona in the poem recounts what he remembers of Melbourne, ‘…carlton cappuccino coffee comfort and the continuing cavalvade of manicured madonnas marching the streets pursued by battalions of Italian stallions…’
This quote is way too long; remember that you'll have to memorise this for an essay! and uses this to emphasise how not much has changed over time and the city itself seems to be stuck in a single moment.
Great The emphasis on this causes the audience to be placed into a negative frame of mind.
Explain a little more. Are they imagining the static nature of time? The dullness of their city? What is the audience feeling? Contrastingly, Mandela’s use of triads in the ‘Address to Capetown, 1990’ puts stress on his voice in being one of justice and equal rights. The quote ‘…peace, democracy and freedom…’ is an example of this and reveals how Mandela sees the world as full of potential and light thus influencing the audience into believing it also.
Good, but you need to spend more time on Mandela. Go into more depth regarding the technique, or the emotion that is evoked.Komninos ‘back to melbourne’ hints that from the personas’ point of view Melbourne’s own ‘voice’ has not changed.
Again, rework this sentence. This is revealed via the repetition of ‘same’ through the poem. The repetition leads the audience to consider that Melbourne has not changed which adds to their idea that the voice in the poem is one of nostalgia.
Okay, but so what? What is the composer actually trying to display? What will an audience feel? Opposingly, in ‘Address to Capetown, 1990’, Mandela changes his dialect from English to Xhosa, a major black South African language. The change in dialect is to remind the audience that he is the voice of the oppressed black South Africans who make up the majority the South African population. This allows the audience that he is performing in front of him (which is made up majorly of black South Africans) to know he is with them even after his time in prison which may have had an adverse effect on him.
You need to spend more time analysing specific techniques. The change in language may be a technique, but if it is you need to find a specific way to emphasise that. Also, remember that an English marker cares about the impact a composer has on their audience. The specific audience of the Mandela speech is slightly relevant, but the general feeling of the piece is far more important.The rhyming of ‘…blast into the past…’ in ‘back to melbourne’ draws the audience attention to the voice’s return to a place that he put behind him. It is this that leads the audience to form the idea that the voice may have changed opinion since that moment. This indicates that an individual’s view on the world can change overtime due to numerous positive and negative experiences. Similarly to Komninos’ repetition of ‘same’, Mandela has repeated ‘I salute…’ throughout his speech, this displays his thankfulness to those who continued the fight for equal rights while he was in prison such as the African National Congress (ANC) and various other organisations and individuals. This coerces the audience to be more grateful for the material and non-materials they possess and to perceive the world through rose-coloured glasses.
Coerce isn't the right word. Coerce has negative connotations. You need to spend more time thinking about specific, relevant, and interesting techniques that the composers use in their work. Repetition is good, but simile/metaphor etc is much better. I would recommend not using repetition multiple times in the same essay. The quote ‘has-been melbournian’ is a stimulating word choice for Komninos. This shapes the negative tone of the voice in the poem. It clues the audience in
This is probably a bit too colloquial to the persona’s dislike for Melbourne and the past. This in turn, unknowingly impacts the viewers to shape their own opinion of the world to be pessimistic in nature. Correspondingly to Komninos enjambment
I don't think you've used enjambment correctly here, Mandela has utilised assonance in his speech. An example of this is ‘…other actions of our organisations…’ (the assonance is on the ‘o’
This isn't necessary) which not only acknowledges the other individuals and organisations contribution to the fight for equal rights amongst black and white people but adds flow and therefore more confidence and conviction to his voice.
Great, this is exactly what you need more of! Identify the technique, explain the point of the technique, and explain the IMPACT of the technique The confidence and conviction convinces and persuades society to his perception of the world; an optimistic perception.
Henceforth, both composers: Komninos, the poem ‘back to melbourne’ and Nelson Mandela’s ‘Address to Capetown, 1990’ speech have skilfully utilised various techniques, those that have been discussed and have not been discussed
, to sway the audience to their perceptions of the world. The poet and speaker do this whether their point of view is despondent or buoyant and overall exhibit original expressions.
Good essay overall, but you could definitely improve it in sections (see my comments above). I think it might be worth rereading your texts again, to see if you can find some more interesting techniques. English teachers love to see a variety of techniques, rather than just multiple instances of the same techniques. I would rework your conclusion; it isn't really a clear continuation of your thesis.
I've only really included things that I think you could improve on, because there's no point telling you you're amazing everytime you write something good! It's a great essay, with areas that you can improve. Good luck!