could you please mark this for me
thank you!
Sure can Hanaacdr
Comments are in bold font throughout!
Spoiler
“I am very pleased to be here today at the launch of Australia’s celebration of 1993 International year of the World’s Indigenous people”
His heartbeat echoed in his ears as the “leader” of “our” nation, Hon. Paul Keating attempted to apologise, a grim reminder of his own mortality. It beat so loudly that it seemed to want to escape his chest, suffocating in his own breath. His eyes were flashing with anger, his face scrunched tight in anticipation of something bad and he clenched his fist as hard as he could.
He felt uneasy and uncomfortable but he did not change his stance. Anger and rage spurred within him like an alien child that welled and wanted release. He adjusted his suit and collar and prayed for him to leave the stage microphone after everything they had done. Refusing to look him in the eye he stared at his feet hoping he would never hear his “nationalistic pride” voice again. "would never hear his voice full of "nationalistic pride" again." This might suit better - nationalistic pride doesn't work as an adjective to the noun of voice. Nationalistic is an adjective, pride is a noun, then voice is a noun. Two nouns in a row don't suit. But you've quoted it, so it works a little better, but I think adjusting the syntax is the best way to avoid it jarring!
We understand you are doing this for the “political regime,” but what about our language? What about our health? What about our education? There was no way Australia was going to change, Maybe a full stop here to declare the definitiveness? it was simple, Australia will forever be divided and indigenous Australians will be mistreated, Benny had no doubt about this.
He could not leave now, he was well into the speech and there was no way he was going to leave, Benny stood there in disbelief. All he wanted was recognition and an apology that came from the heart and not from the ground. Nice!
Why couldn’t the “leader” of our country see a place in the Australian narrative for me and my community? I have an urge for this to be more powerful, and maybe this will come later in the story - but Indigenous Australians are not just a preface for a narrative, they are the setting, the plot, and everything more, and then the conclusion is where we are now. Maybe you could run this idea through your story? Indicating the length and strength of Indigenous culture in Australia as being ongoing, and wanting to be acknowledged for this, rather than their culture just being a preface for the modern Australian narrative. Could be a good metaphor!
“We committed the murders
We took the children from their mothers
We practiced discrimination and exclusion
it was our ignorance and our prejudice”
He could not believe it, finally a necessary recognition, a rectification for society. He tilted his head up, and looked him in the eye. He turned around to his brothers and sisters to the people who shared his hardships and struggles, clapping and cheering with large smiles stretched from ear to ear the closest thing they would get to an apology.
Unforgiving and cruel thoughts raced through his mind, Benny felt thoughts lingering upon his skin as goose bumps covered his skin, shiver run down his spine as he agitated as flashbacks of the past appeared once again. He could not stop thinking about the hardships he had to endure, the “discrimination and exclusion” when he asked for pastoral leases and land under his name of which he was denied. He knew for reconciliation he had to leave his past behind and progress forward without any doubts.
This “apology” could have been done earlier, but hearing the saddened and pure tone of Hon. Keating gave me second thoughts.
The 3 seconds of silence was all Benny required to say a quick prayer to his ancestors. Slowly he felt himself breathing freely and unclenching his fist, feeling a sense of ease.
Where had time gone, he took a second to look down at his watch as he looked up applauses and laughs filled the air once again. Smiles of his brothers and sisters made Benny feel a sense of contentment and pleasure. He wished he could cherish this moment for as long as he can remember.
“there is everything to gain.
Even the unhappy past speaks for this”
Could us, Aboriginals find solidarity and commit to a common cause of social progression? Could the sceptical non- Aboriginal population celebrate the egalitarian values of Australian society as a justification for his efforts? Could we really close the gap between indigenous and non- indigenous Australian and change for the better as a society? The only way to slowly close the distance of this gap is to display sympathy to the Aboriginal people.
Benny felt a sense of urgency as his heart raced faster and faster, as he turns around to his brothers and sisters to all those equally as moved as the white Australians and the indigenous Australians reconcile, he looks down at his three children and smiles at his wife as he put his arm around her and gives her a kiss as a proud tear rolled down his face and a sweet breeze gushed passed his smiling face full of emotion.
Finally, the light at the end of the tunnel, as they got closer and closer he was greeted by a sparkly look of solicitude in his eyes, the smile was an incarnation of his ecstatic feelings to be a “Proud Indigenous Australian”
And maybe we can achieve this equality he talks about.
“we cannot imagine that we will fail.
And with that spirit that is here today I am confident that we won’t.
I am confident that we will succeed in this decade”
I think you've chosen a unique setting, and I love the way the speech is fragmented to include some plot analysis in there. I think this structure is what is most appealing about your work. There lies room for improvement in the non-speech parts. The writing is very simple, and although pensive questions are asked, there is an opportunity in the expression for more. I suggested the idea of the Australian narrative. I think you could blow this metaphor open to really work in your favour. I think that there could be a voice for wanting Indigenous Australians to be part of the Australian narrative, only to turn around and say, wait on - Indigenous Australians have made up the entire freaking narrative - until very recent times? You could talk about how for such a long time Aboriginal Australia has been seen as just a preface, and then you could talk about who the writer is - how colonised Australia took the pen and forged history and rewrote chapters. But at the end, as the speech ends, there is an agreement to hold the pen together and write history at the same desk, and plan the rest of the narrative together. I think this metaphor would run beautifully through the parts where the speech is not, and it will evoke a lot more emotion. The narrator will be going through a discovery process of their own perception of the way colonised Australia treats Aboriginal Australia, it will evolve as the story goes on and the discoveries will consequently unravel for the reader as well. Of course you don't need to take on this idea - it's just what I think would be most suitable for spicing up the narrator's voice. The writing currently is simple and rhetorical - asking too much of the reader. Whereas with a metaphor, you can be more emotive with the reader and engage in that together.
Let me know what you think...
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Topic: Free AOS Creative Writing Marking! (Read 286098 times)