New beginningsI used to wonder for weeks how I'd begin the (very important) journal entry after VCE results have been released. Well, I'd like to begin by stating that this year was nothing like how I imagined it would be. 2020 was supposed to be
the year. A year of growth and success. I thought long and hard about this, and I still think it was a year of growth and success - just in a different way. The problems that have arisen this year aren't going to magically die as soon as the clock ticks to 2021, but I think we all deserve to celebrate what we've achieved in this difficult year. Ladies and gentlemen, we have survived bushfires, online learning, a pandemic (the list is never-ending so I'll stop here) and I'm so proud of everyone for their persistence and determination in a year when it mattered the most. I'm making up the structure of this journal entry as I write, but I think I'm going to talk a bit about how it felt when I opened my ATAR, then reflect on what I think of it (a big mess, I'll tell you now) because I have quite a lot to say. This will be my second last update, the last one focusing on what I'll be doing in 2021 (i.e. tertiary education). This one is going to be quite a lengthy, wordy one - totally understandable if you want to skip most of it!
I'd be lying if I said I woke up at 6:15am, because I didn't sleep the whole night in the first place. (Mind you, I actually really wanted to sleep, but ended up pulling an accidental all-nighter as I lay awake in bed). Instead, I'll say I got out of bed at 6:15am. I was super tired, after not sleeping and all, and I'm pretty proud that I woke up that early (for reference, I've been waking up at 11am-2pm on the holidays haha).
I walked out, got my laptop and phone, then went back to my room and shut the door. The time passed, slowly but steadily. I made a cringey decision that moment - to make an ATAR reaction video. Don't get too excited, I'm definitely not keen on revealing my real identity on here. It's a personal video that no one except me has seen, and I plan to keep it that way! It'll just be something I can look at in 10 years and laugh at what a stressed drama queen I was back in year 12. Time passed, and I was nervously messaging my friends. Then, I check my inbox. I knew the email always came out early, but I didn't expect it to come out
that early. 6:37am - the email arrived. I held my breath, and resisted clicking on it. I didn't want to open the email first, I wanted to wait until 7am to see the real deal on the website. Anyways, stuff happened, I forgot my password and had to reset it, blah blah, just the usual.
I decided to log into the website at 6:59am just so I could take a minute to compose myself, but the website had other ideas. Straight away, four study scores popped up onto the screen. I was in complete shock (I wasn't expecting it to be that sudden). I was also in a very groggy state being extremely tired and all, which is something I'm glad of because it meant I wasn't overthinking and actually processing my results (I have all the time in the world afterwards to worry about my results anyway). The first thing I said was 'omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg.' The next thing I said was 'wow, that's so bad' while I had this stupid, goofy grin on my face (I mean come on, you can't blame me. The cognitive impairments of having a BAC of 0.10 is equivalent to that of 24 hours of wakefulness, remember that psych kids?). I stayed on the study score page for a short while, then clicked on 'view ATAR'. When my ATAR popped up, big and bold, I started…. well, I don't want to say crying. It really wasn't crying, it was more like some water coming out of my eyes and me wiping the water off my face. I wasn't exactly hysterically sobbing, if you know what I mean. Then, I screamed 'WHAT? IT CAN'T BE?
?!!!!!!?!?!??!'
Then, I descended into a texting frenzy where I was trying to read and process all my closest friends' ATARs and study scores, typing out my results, and reading all the information they knew about the study scores/ATARs of other students at my school (news spreads like wildfire, especially if it's good news!). I am very proud and happy to say that all my closest friends got ATARs they were happy with. Of course, disappointment is inevitable - there will always be something you could've done better in, something you wished you did, a study score that was a complete disappointment, but on the whole, they all did amazing. A friend who got 99.95, multiple who got above 99, many more in the high 90s. I think I was dying of happiness for my wonderful friends as much as I was freaking out about my own results (my school did better than it usually does too). I think in the moment we got our scores, we were all pretty satisfied. But not all ATAR stories are rainbows and unicorns - friends who wished they just got a little bit higher to make it into a course, friends who were upset about needing to take a backdoor method rather than getting straight into the course they wanted to get in. And you know what? It's okay. Because no matter what ATAR a student gets, it can never stop themselves from being successful in the future. I think no matter what, finishing year 12 will ALWAYS be a success. It is never a failure unless you make it out to be.
Then, I ran to my parents and told them what I got, and they were happy. My parents being happy makes me happy, and I've always wanted them to be proud of me. Well bois, we did it. My parents were surprisingly alright with my results, making no comments like 'but why didn’t you get higher?' Make no mistake, they ~did~ make those comments, but it was only later on and despite that, they’re still happy.
I know you all probably want to see what my results were. I'd like to delay that a little more and instead briefly touch on my goals. All throughout year 10, 11 and the start of year 12, a 99.70+ had been my dream. I won't lie - it had always been my dream even throughout year 12, the only difference being an acceptance that I'd never get that high realistically. Don't ask me why it was that specific number and above, it was arbitrarily decided and I thought it was quite a nice number.
People always thought I got above 90% on every single SAC, but that couldn't be far from the truth. Take English, for example. 67% on my first SAC, 80s for the rest of my SACs, then 95% on my last SAC with a bit of help from the god of luck. So, there was this kind of hype around me, even though as the year passed, my failures dug myself into a hole that was labelled 'below my dream ATAR' until it was too deep to climb out of. I know what every single reader is thinking. 99.70? You wanted THAT?!?! An ATAR that high? But I have been surrounded by high achievers my whole life. And, I'd like to clarify that 99.70 was my
dream, not my expectations! A girl can dream, right? My expectations were much lower. At the start of year 12, I was thinking I could maybe achieve 98-99 and was quite happy with this range, but that dropped to around 96-97 by the end of year 12 and after exams (and after being sick for the entire exam period, BLEH).
From my dumb ATAR reaction video, my predictions just before opening my study scores were as listed below:
English: 38
Biology: 40
Chemistry: 38
Methods: 38 (but then I changed to 39 when I realised that my SACs might be able to bump up my score a little more)
I also said in my video that I hoped for higher, even though I knew it wasn't possible. Also, my predictions seem to have an affinity for the number 38, it was my prediction for psych last year too. I think it's just the magic number!!
my vce results
My actual (raw) scoresEnglish: 45 (WHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT???)
Biology: 50 (??!**#$*&#^$*#!UI!#!?!??!?!@??@!$$&U#@)
Methods: 40 (aka I'm a complete disappointment to myself and my family)
Chemistry: 41 (my most-hated subject, but I'm way better at maths but I got a better study score in chem than methods? VCAA what?)
Psychology: 50 (2019)
Food studies: 42 (2019)
So, I got higher than I thought I’d get, especially because of not being able to write my exams to my best ability, but in the end I did okay! Maths was the only disappointment. I'm no prodigy, but I am above average at maths and even though I didn't expect high, before my exams, I was secretly hoping for 43-45. I was around that level for my SACs and for exam 1, but oh boy. Exam 2 was a complete disaster for me. I think I went into that exam with the wrong mindset, and completely stuffed it up. I deserve nothing higher than what I got, but it doesn't stop me from wishing I did better in exam 2. I just realised I should have put a disclaimer at the start of this update, but I'll say it now: when I say I did 'bad', or I'm 'disappointed' in what I got, it doesn't mean my score is objectively bad. All I mean is that I got below what I aimed for and what I expected, and I got less than I know I'm capable of. For each person, a disappointing score will be different, and I think it's important to remember that no matter what the score is (high or low), people are allowed to feel disappointed if they didn't meet their expectations. That was the case for me for methods. Chem, I honestly couldn't care. Sure, it would've been nice to score higher, but I don't deserve any higher for learning unit 3 the week before the exam and not paying attention in class… (and instead frantically cramming and leeching off my friends for their knowledge of the subject - they saved me!).
I don’t even know what to say about bio and English (thank you god of luck and thank you to the kind-hearted VCAA assessors who were on drugs when marking my exams). I feel like writing an inspirational guide on how I went from 67% on my first SAC in year 12 to a 45 at the end of the year haha! I think everyone on here knows how much I struggled with English and my English teacher, but in the end, I worked hard and I did it!!! It also feels super nice to see my hard work and passion for bio has paid off. I had always been aiming for a 50 throughout the year, and I did it. Even though I thought I'd get 40, I got what I originally dreamed of and it felt real good to have 50s in the subjects I'm most passionate about (psych and bio). Food studies scaled down to a 37 as expected, but it's in my bottom 2 anyway. My bottom 2 was exactly as predicted - chem and food studies. Thank the lords for methods scaling up though, otherwise I think I'd be dead. I was especially glad I could make my bio teacher, who had always believed in me from the start, proud. I was really worried I'd have to tell her some bad news and use sickness on exam day as an excuse, but thankfully not.
I feel as though the hype surrounding study scores and ATARs is over now. I also feel that the ATAR is quite an underwhelming thing. Like, I imagined it would be the pinnacle moment of my life when I saw my ATAR, but it literally felt like staring at some number on a screen after the initial excitement and shock. It was a bit like last year - I was like yay, I got my results! Then it was like okay, whatever, I got my results, so what?
I saw an analogy on AN I really, really liked. The ATAR is just a key - a key that opens a door. Once that door is open, you don't need the key anymore. You could try to desperately to give that number the meaning you thought it would have, but frankly, it's an impossible task, because it's not true. An exam score doesn't necessarily define your passion or knowledge for any subject. An ATAR doesn't necessarily define your intelligence - you shouldn't allow it. It's hard for me to let go of something I have cared so much about. One of the things which my entire life revolved around for the past 2 years. But I need to move on and accept that there's better things I can focus my energy on, rather than resent the past and wish I did better.
I say this because despite my initial joy, the more time that passes, the more disappointed I feel with my ATAR. It's not a bad one by any means, but I keep thinking of the what ifs. What if I didn't do bad in exam 2 and got just a bit higher? What if I did well in unit 3 so instead of 45, I'd have gotten 47? What if I tried harder? What if I don't deserve this ATAR and I'm not good enough? What if I got a better ATAR? What if this isn't high enough for medicine?
It sounds stupid but it has been taking over my mind all day, and I wish it would stop. Sometimes I have a bad case of imposter syndrome, because why would I, out of all the smart and hardworking people I know, get these scores? And sometimes, I bash myself up for not doing better, just that little bit better, to reach my dream. It's over, I know, but I can't help it. It's like a wave of sadness that hit me late, after being happy about my ATAR. I know I should be feeling joyful and grateful, but I don't feel like that. It's not that I'm comparing my scores to others - it's more like me being angry at and hating myself for not being able to get higher like others. But the point is I'm trying to push those feelings away and ignore them, so I hope I feel better in a while. Don't get me wrong, I'm not wallowing in sadness or hate my score or anything - it's just that I wish I did better.
A year of wasting hours and hours on ATAR calculators, of stressing over SACs and exams, of doing 3 practice exams in one day (YES I actually did this once and I completely died no thank you I am sticking to 1 practice exam a day). A year that is finally over. I never have to write a (stupid) text response essay again (although I will admit, my hate for English did turn into love over time. No more a subject I intensely despise, but one with its ups and downs. There are definitely good things in English that I will cherish - things I enjoyed, but it was equally annoying to study for lol).
Congratulations to the classes of 2020 and 2021, we did our exams and got through this year. It’s a new day, and a new year. A blank slate to rewrite another chapter of our lives. The ATAR may be a (pretty bad) souvenir of the end of schooling, but there is a whole new world awaiting us - a new beginning.
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Topic: whys' VCE journal (Read 81535 times)