I'm Not Scared essay criticism pleeeeeeeaaase?

[Timtasticle]

Scanned an essay I wrote yesterday. Would appreciate any feedback/score outta 10?


Clickity click
[img]http://img137.imageshack.us/img137/2676/page1qh7.th.jpg[/img]
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[Timtasticle]

Anyone?

*tumbleweed goes past*

[Odette]

I'd read it but theres not much i can comment on, because i haven't studied the text. Sorry

[Timtasticle]

Thanks anyways Odette

[brendan]

im too scared to read it

[Timtasticle]

lol....?

[cathtacular]

its good i like how you can use quotes so good i suck at that.
good job baby.
xx

[Defiler]

No mentioning of the text's name in opening paragraph (or author) is always a bad idea. The introduction is a bit vague as well. Some decent ideas are developed... particularly Pino's 'material desires', however the 'gondola' idea dragged a fair bit. The greed paragraph is poorly structured and does not really make a strong point of relevance to the topic - the topic is more to do with the good of the family, not 'Pino is greedy'. The conclusion is a bit unfair to Pino I believe, who does give himself up at the end to help his own son (admittedly after he shot him).

All in all, the essay is very average, and wouldn't score much higher than a 5. Some good ideas were developed, and if you work on your expression and structure over the next day or so, you'll be able to get up to the 7-8 range (at least in my opinion, I'm no VCAA marker...).

[Timtasticle]

Thanks for the advice.