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April 28, 2024, 11:32:24 am
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Author Topic: The Crucible - Encountering Conflict Expository Essay  (Read 3397 times)  Share 

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paulsterio

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The Crucible - Encountering Conflict Expository Essay
« on: August 20, 2011, 03:19:03 pm »
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a
« Last Edit: August 29, 2011, 12:05:28 am by paulsterio »
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Re: The Crucible - Encountering Conflict Expository Essay
« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2011, 03:26:09 pm »
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I'm [y11] so take this as you wish but your first sentence with the use of 'obviously' makes me feel severely dumb :/

Also the comma before it doesn't really work...I don't think it flows?

Also underline the title of the book (don't use quote marks). :)

Also your whole intro is two sentences? The 2nd sentence is massive.
« Last Edit: August 20, 2011, 03:33:49 pm by ssNake »
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pi

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Re: The Crucible - Encountering Conflict Expository Essay
« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2011, 04:36:00 pm »
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Quote from: ssNake on August 20, 2011, 03:26:09 pm
Also your whole intro is two sentences? The 2nd sentence is massive.

Three. But yeah, that last sentence is a mouthful! It is a good read (well written with great vocab!), however, I think you overuse the word 'conflict' a bit, it appears more than once in some sentences too. Maybe synonym that one. I also felt that the introduction of the text into your piece seemed unnatural and really against the style of your opening paras. 

I'm not sure if any of those comments are totally valid, as I do WR, but hopefully they help a bit :)
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