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Author Topic: Persuasive Speech Feedback (English pro call to arms!)  (Read 1467 times)  Share 

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brenden

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Persuasive Speech Feedback (English pro call to arms!)
« on: January 13, 2013, 04:03:44 pm »
+1
Hey guys! I've had a user submit their speech to me and I said I'd be able to post it on this Submission thread anonymously so that the speech might get the chance to get feedback from multiple people and perhaps provoke any sort of helpful discussion that can't be held through a one on one personal message. Submission is also an awesome opportunity for some give and take - in exchange for getting amazing personalised feedback, other people can benefit from the feedback you receive as well - so it's like a debt owed and a debt payed all at the same time! So if I could call the English pros to arms and get you to smash this speech with feedback, I'm sure we could make a very good example of the benefits of this thread! :D
The topic is CCTV cameras.

Hello everyone, good day to you all, my name is Anonymous of class 12G and today I want to talk to you about whether or not we should we should implement CCTV cameras around Melbourne.
Before I begin, I’d like to as you to think about what you envision when you think of a world with no law and no order.

It’s a Monday morning; today is a particularly special day, you are going to elect whether or not you wish to have the streets of Melbourne protected by cameras. You are not completely informed as to what the implications of the camera installments might be but you worry about privacy and your rights. Elsewhere, a mother and father are crying due to the recent loss of their daughter at the hands of a heartless criminal who cannot be found by the authorities because they had little to no footage or images of any suspicious activity in the area. As a result of our failures he will roam the streets free to prey on more innocent people. Is this the kind of future that we want to live in? One in which we are afraid to leave our own homes because at any moment someone could attack you while you are alone and it is more horrifying that they WILL get away with it.

A large amount of people will claim it’s too expensive, it’s ineffective when people are masked they also say it is taking away our privacy and a violation of our rights, those same people think that it’s okay to assume these things and ultimately hold us back, just like ignorance always has. But lucky for you, I have the facts. In an interview by the independent.co.uk it is said that a new type of camera analysis is being used to identify masked criminals. Professor Mark Nixon has helped father technology that allows the detection of movement patterns and traits in people i.e. people can be identified by how they walk and the shape of their body as opposed to just ID-ing their faces this technique is called ‘gait analysis’. A view I share with Professor Nixon is the fact that privacy concerns have been around since the beginning of time, a little research into privacy concerns and you will find out that people were concerned about GPS and maps and now they are the two of the most helpful tools on earth. People fear change, this kind of change is that kind that will aid us in the fight against the plague that is crime. Privacy isn’t being taken away, Justice is being introduced, it is not a case of cameras monitoring you from your home and while you shower and things like that it is more so camera’s being in your suburb and around populated areas to prevent and help stop crime when the need arises.  Further development into the field of CCTV cameras can mean artificial intelligences monitoring public areas as little events may be missed as a result of human error, like blinking or sneezing while monitoring areas.

CCTV cameras not only capture crime, but they discourage it. The presence of a camera on a building/public area or home intimidates potential criminals as they know their actions may be captured on camera. Cameras in public areas also encourage people to know that they are safe under the eyes of a government that cares about them and most importantly criminals can be caught by cameras. Now you might be thinking “but how will we react so quickly to crimes being committed and suspicious activity?” well the answer is simple: we create more jobs in security so that areas around Melbourne can be protected and authorities can react more quickly to potential crimes as opposed to waiting 30 minutes for someone to discover a dead body or perhaps to prevent an armed robbery. CCTV cameras can also be installed for homes and local business and their systems can be networked with police so that they can help stop, solve or prevent crime.

It is a well-known fact that the FBI and other intelligence agencies monitor the internet footprint of people i.e. the sites they visit, the content they actively look for etc. Well, what does this mean? Does it mean the government likes to spy on us and take away our privacy? No. It means that potential threats can be assessed through the internet. Likewise, if we can use CCTV cameras more prominently we can identify the faces of people who purchase suspicious things that could be related to a crime and that is just one possible scenario out of thousands. We need to have eyes watching our streets we can’t just hope that people stop committing crime, if we deny CCTV then the criminals will think they can get away with ANYTHING. Do we want them to think that we’re getting soft? NO. And that’s exactly why we need this. But it’s not all sunshine and rainbows from here, it costs 30,000 per camera and I know that sounds really bad but do you want to be the one that knocks on the door of two loving parents at 6 am in the morning to say that you have no clues as to where their daughter went? Do you want to be the one that makes the long distance call concerning a boy who lives abroad to a hopeful father? Well guess what, somebody has to. If we’re so miserly that we think that money is worth more than lives… then aren’t we just as guilty as the perpetrators?

The cards are in our hands.. which ones will we play? Will we live in fear of technology that will save us? Or will we crack down on crime because lives are at stake. We have an opportunity to take back the streets, make our people feel safer & increase response times for crimes and you want to hold us back because it COSTS too much? Let me remind you that TV ads for election campaigns are a great example of why our money is being wasted on silly things. It is not taking away our privacy, it is giving us the safe and protected lives we deserve. We must all do our part so that not only our generation, but future generations and older generations may live in peace and not in fear of being viciously assaulted or attacked. Because if we deny the people a protector, the criminal scum will think we’re lenient so we’re basically reinforcing it. Be the change that saves lives, not the change that takes them.
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brenden

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Re: Persuasive Speech Feedback (English pro call to arms!)
« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2013, 04:04:32 pm »
+3
Hello everyone, good day to you all, my name is Anonymous of class 12G and today I want to talk to you about whether or not we should we should implement CCTV cameras around Melbourne.
Before I begin, I’d like to as you to think about what you envision when you think of a world with no law and no order.
Okay cool. I can see where you are going with your hook, however the benefit of the hook is sort of curtailed by your opening line. You want you opening to be instantaneously "BAM", and THEN to introduce yourself. (This is how I always did it anyway) - I think the opening of the speech could be something like "Envision a world with no law, and no order. Does this sound like peace to you? Envision a Monday morning;..." -Straight away the implications of no CCTV are in your speech and people are engrossed, you can tell them what class you're in later if you really want to.
It’s a Monday morning; today is a particularly special day, you are going to elect whether or not you wish to have the streets of Melbourne protected by cameras. You are not completely informed as to what the implications of the camera installments might be but you worry about privacy and your rights. Elsewhere, a mother and father are crying due to the recent loss of their daughter at the hands of a heartless criminal who cannot be found by the authorities because they had little to no footage or images of any suspicious activity in the area.Awesome. I love the manipulation. For anyone reading - this is a good technique, throwing the issue onto the audience by saying 'you'. As a result of our failures he will roam the streets free to prey on more innocent people. Is this the kind of future that we want to live in? strong One in which we are afraid to leave our own homes because at any moment someone could attack you while you are alone and it is more horrifying that they WILL get away with it. Red text needs revision, sentence could be constructed much better. I think if it were even split into something like "...could attack you while you are alone. What's even more horrifying? They WILL get away with it."

A large amount of people will claim it’s too expensive, it’s ineffective when people are masked needs some punctuationthey also say it is taking away our privacy and a violation of our rights,fullstop instead those same people think that it’s okay to assume these things and to ultimately hold us back, just like ignorance always has. But lucky for you, I have the facts. Nice. Potential to draw a parallel between the ignorance of having no cameras (ignorant of what would be filmed) and ignorance between not wanting cameras, would be kewlIn an interview by the independent.co.uk it is said that a new type of camera analysis is being used to identify masked criminals. Professor Mark Nixon has helped father technology that allows the detection of movement patterns and traits in people i.e. people can be identified by how they walk and the shape of their body as opposed to just ID-ing identifying their facesfullstop this technique is called ‘gait analysis’. A view I share with Professor Nixon is the fact that privacy concerns have been around since the beginning of time,i think this needs a longer pause than a comma a little research into privacy concerns and you will find out that people were concerned about GPS and maps and now they are the two of the most helpful tools on earth. nice People fear change, this kind of change is that kind that will aid us in the fight against the plague that is crime. Privacy isn’t being taken away, Justice is being introduced, strong it is not a case of cameras monitoring you from your home and while you shower and things like that it is more so camera’s being in your suburb and around populated areas to prevent and help stop crime when the need arises. The length of this point makes it weaker, it think a more direct, concise comparison would be stronger.  Further development into the field of CCTV cameras can mean artificial intelligences monitoring public areas as little events may be missed as a result of human error, like blinking or sneezing while monitoring areas. This sentence/point seems throwaway and damaging to your argument. It's a big jump from "don't fear change" to "oh and maybe we'll have AI". Blinking and sneezing also doesn't seem like human error and I think this could raise some eyebrows in your audience. It seems fallacious that a blink could stop a human seeing something on CCTV, or even a sneeze. Also if the fundamental principle of CCTV is as a deterrent and then as a method of catching a criminal, it seems a strange concept to insinuate someone is watching the camera 24/7.

CCTV cameras not only capture crime, but they discourage it. The presence of a camera on a building/public area or home intimidates potential criminals as they know their actions may be captured on camera. Cameras in public areas also encourage people to know that they are safe under the eyes of a government that cares about them and most importantly criminals can be caught by cameras. Now you might be thinking “but how will we react so quickly to crimes being committed and suspicious activity?” well the answer is simple: we create more jobs in security so that areas around Melbourne can be protected and authorities can react more quickly to potential crimes as opposed to waiting 30 minutes for someone to discover a dead body or perhaps to prevent an armed robbery. CCTV cameras can also be installed for homes and local business and their systems can be networked with police so that they can help stop, solve or prevent crime. Cool, straightforward point, nice idea, but could use more persuasive language. Even just "30 minutes for someone to discover someone's dead sister" just brings it closer to home. Little things like that is the opportunity for improvement in this paragraph.

It is a well-known fact that the FBI and other intelligence agencies monitor the internet footprint of people i.e. the sites they visit, the content they actively look for etc. Well, what does this mean? Does it mean the government likes to spy on us and take away our privacy? No. It means that potential threats can be assessed through the internet. Likewise, if we can use CCTV cameras more prominently we can identify the faces of people who purchase suspicious things that could be related to a crime and that is just one possible scenario out of thousands.good language to provoke people to imagine the limitless possibilities of CCTV We need to have eyes watching our streets punctuation we can’t just hope that people stop committing crime, if we deny CCTV then the criminals will think they can get away with ANYTHING. Do we want them to think that we’re getting soft? NO.Good use of repetition and stronger emphasis on 'no' gives it a 'low-high' intensity feel, like something is building. And that’s exactly why we need this. But it’s not all sunshine and rainbows from here, it costs 30,000 per camera and I know that sounds really bad but do you want to be the one that knocks on the door of two loving parents at 6 am in the morning to say that you have no clues as to where their daughter went? Do you want to be the one that makes the long distance call concerning a boy who lives abroad to a hopeful father? Well guess what, somebody has to. If we’re so miserly that we think that money is worth more than lives… then aren’t we just as guilty as the perpetrators? Strrrrrrrronnnnnnng paragraph. Please God pause here and stare at your audience from left to right and then back to the middle.

The cards are in our hands.. which ones will we play? Will we live in fear of technology that will save us? Or will we crack down on crime because lives are at stake. We have an opportunity to take back the streets, make our people feel safer & increase response times for crimes and you want to hold us back because it COSTS too much?strong Let me remind you that TV ads for election campaigns are a great example of why our money is being wasted on silly things too quick of a sentence to have the desired effect. You could use another sentence on stats, "1billion was spent on political campaigns" or whatever, and then draw the link between CCTV.  The jumpy thought between TV ads and then "it is not taking privacy away" is also ambiguous. This area could be clearer. It is not taking away our privacy, it is giving us the safe and protected lives we deserve. We must all do our part so that not only our generation, but future generations and older generations may live in peace and not in fear of being viciously assaulted or attacked. Because if we deny the people a protector, the criminal scum will think we’re lenient so we’re basically reinforcing it.Sentence doesn't flow a well as it could. It starts off strong and decreases like "WE NEED A BATMAN AND PROTECTOR butyeahyknowbro we just sort of reinforce it". The last part of the sentence should be changed around so it isn't airy and abrupt. Be the change that saves lives, not the change that takes them. STRONG finish! Awesome.
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pi

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Re: Persuasive Speech Feedback (English pro call to arms!)
« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2013, 04:23:44 pm »
+2
Ok, I don't have much to add from what brendo has said, but I think my main concern is with the opening lines.

Hello everyone, good day to you all, my name is Anonymous of class 12G and today I want to talk to you about whether or not we should we should implement CCTV cameras around Melbourne.
Before I begin, I’d like to as you to think about what you envision when you think of a world with no law and no order.

Starting off with "Hello..." is the exact opposite of what you want to be doing. Ideally, you'd want to start off with something engaging, something that draws the audience into your talk, encapsulating them.

Common tactics include posing questions, quoting, asking the audience to imagine a dire situation, and the list goes on. Brendo makes a great suggestion of an opening line in his critique.

For example, here is how I started my speech back in the day - topic: "Wikileaks"
Quote
Imagine a world where governments lie to their citizens; a world where governments secretly conduct illegal activities, and a world where these actions occur on the false premise that it is all for your own protection. Well, that’s what our world is turning into.

And all that’s between us, and the lies, hypocrisy and deception of those in power are ‘two’ things- the moral conscience, often non-existent in the political and corporate world, and Wikileaks.

And in yr11 - topic: "Role of the independents"
Quote
Poet-actor, Stan Lee, once said: ‘with great powers comes great responsibilities’.

On the night of 21st of August, this power and its associated responsibilities, were put in the hands of five men - 4 independents and 1 Green, as we stared down the barrel of the first hung federal parliament since the early 1940s.

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Re: Persuasive Speech Feedback (English pro call to arms!)
« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2013, 07:13:12 pm »
+1
A good oral presentation overall. However, I would suggest chucking a few things into this speech to make it more memorable and attention-grabbing. Some things to consider:

- Take on a persona, eg. someone with authority to speak on the matter.
- Add in cues and note down changes in tone and emphasis.
- Give a class member pre-written answers to questions that you'll ask them - use the answers as a signpost for your next argument, and be as natural as you can. It makes it seem like you're on side with the audience and seems like you're doing an impromptu performance.
- Don't overdo the rhetorical questions.
- Really practise your intonations. Take your last line 'Be the change that saves lives, not the change that takes them' for example. I would suggest emphasising on the words 'saves', 'not' and 'takes' and really seem passionate and assured about the issue.

Good luck!

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Re: Persuasive Speech Feedback (English pro call to arms!)
« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2013, 12:53:05 am »
0
Woo! Someone else sees the benefits  8)

It was the 2nd of June 2011.  A young 13-year-old girl dressed in her school uniform with her backpack on, left her loving family to walk by herself to school in the quiet, peaceful suburb of Boronia.  Little did innocent Bung Siriboon know, she wouldn’t make it to her school that day. She wouldn’t spend her recess and lunchtimes with her friends. She would miss her classes, and she wouldn’t make it home to her parents that night.  Days went on, months flew by and a year passed and still to this very day Bung isn’t inside the safety of her home and her family.

She was abducted that June morning, and her attacker has still not been even identified to the police nor any sign or knowledge of her whereabouts.  Imagine the pain, the fear, the sick feeling in the stomach that her parents and family would have felt, not knowing where their sweet innocent child was, or who she was with, or whether she is still alive or whether her corpse is rotting in the dark someplace unknown. That is the reality that Bungs family has to face every single second that their child isn’t home safe in their arms.

 Bungs’ long suffering family, and the countless number of other brokenhearted families missing their loved ones after they have been stolen from them, are the innocent victims to this communities need for privacy. This communities need for complete anonymity from ‘Big Brother’ and the selfish paranoia stemming from the fear of being watched every second of the day.

They, ladies and gentlemen, are the helpless victims of those who are against the installation of  more CCTV cameras in public places whose advanced technology has the power to enable scenarios to be reviewed instantly, events to be played back when appropriate or needed, and to be used to monitor the severity of developing situations. This right here is the technology that can bring other victims like Bung Siriboon back to their homes, to their beds, to their families and to their friends, and at the same time saving numerous lives from assaults and abductions from our streets.

It is clear to even the most ill educated child that this country must immediately install more CCTV cameras, so that no more families need to suffer like Bungs’. So that the young men and women of this country don’t wind up in the same predicament as the beautiful Jill Meagher, who whilst walking along Sydney Rd to her home and loving husband, was raped and murdered in the early hours of the morning of September 22, whose gutless killer was caught by police with the help of CCTV recorded footage. These cameras must be immediately instigated into the public so that no more families need to leave a courtroom followed by the accused acquitted on the lack of evidence against them.

Because,  my fellow teachers and classmates, whatever system we have ‘protecting’ us in place now, it’s not working.


Closed-circuit television cameras are currently being used by many organizations. Whether you’re in Chadstone, Fountain Gate, McDonalds or the 7/11 down the road, it is a guarantee that a CCTV camera is monitoring your movements and actions. I’m sure everyone here would agree with me in saying that these cameras are a necessity in identifying any criminal actions like theft or assault. I’m sure anyone really would agree that cameras in shopping centers are a deterrent to those fools who think it would be a real clever idea to steal a pair of shoes or some other item from any retail business. Yet we still have ignorant individuals out there who contest the employment of CCTV cameras, which can save lives.

Local Melbourne newspaper, The Age, reports Melbourne’s CCTV system includes 53 fixed sites and two mobile vans monitored at a perpetually staffed central control region. 53 fixed sites and two mobile vans to monitor the 86162 residents in the City of Melbourne. Now I know that I do not have the most competent brain when it comes to mathematical equations, I do know how to divide a number by a number, and so after doing all the math, albeit using a calculator, I have come to the result that one camera of the 53 fixed sites monitors over 1600 people in the City of Melbourne. You definitely don’t have to be Einstein, or myself, who pretty much stopped paying attention in Math’s in year 8 to know that the ratio of just one fixed camera sight to more than 1600 people is an absolute outrage.
The main purpose of CCTV cameras is to monitor and to protect. These cameras will be used as a tool in conjunction with police to make this city, to make this country, safer for our families, our brothers, our sisters, mothers and fathers. Safer for us to be able to walk down what should be our streets at night without the fear of being subject to vicious assaults, abductions, murders and tortures.

In 2010, the Drugs and Crime Prevention Committee released an inquiry regarding strategies to reduce assaults in public places within Victoria. The inquiry showed that 52% of assaults in Melbourne’s CBD were single victim/single offender assaults. That percentage is calculated for only incidents in which the offender has actually been identified. So, I ask you now, how many others? How many other men, women and children out there have been assaulted in this city without their offender being caught? How many of these poor innocent victims have been too afraid to speak out, to ashamed to tell anyone? How many of these individuals reduced to nothing, reduced to empty shells filled with fear from their attacking or assault, could have benefited from their twisted attacker being caught on CCTV footage?

It is our time to change things. It is our time to fix the city we all live in. It is our generation that’s supposed to be technologically advanced. It’s time that we live up to our name. We have a technological solution in our hands, and we need more people to wake up and realize that whatever we have now has not worked and will not work.


I cannot stress enough how important these cameras are. I am sick and tired of watching the news every single night and seeing one story after the other. People being viciously assaulted, children being abducted, young men and women getting assaulted, hit and run accidents, malicious rapes and horrific stories of murder; spilling innocent blood all over the city which I’ve loved since I was a little girl. The city I no longer feel safe in, the city in which I fear my loved ones being in at nighttime where the monsters come to prey.

There is a lot of negativity regarding the implementation of CCTV cameras. Most of the arguments seem to be that those who oppose believe that it would be too imposing on our privacy.

I ask you now directly, how much privacy do we have anyway?

According to the dictionary, privacy is the state or condition of living free from being observed or disturbed by other people. Privacy appears to be a very important entity in people’s lives. As with any other important matter, there are countless laws and regulations regarding our privacy and that of others. With these laws, come very serious repercussions if our ‘privacy’ were to be invaded. Yes, I do place privacy in quotation marks because ladies and gentlemen, I question whether we as people and members of this community undeniably have ‘privacy’. I stand here in front of you today, my teachers, my peers, and my friends, to question whether we, as according to the dictionary definition, are truly free from observation by other people.

I would like you all now to take a moment and divert your undivided attention to yourself now. I want you to think about all the details that make you, you. Think about your name, your address. Ponder on the details of the hospital in which you were born, think of your date of birth, your tax file number. Most of you here would be employed somewhere, and earning relatively good money, though I’m sure you would disagree. Think of the bank account number to where your money is transferred. Reflect now on the hobbies that you enjoy, the things that interest you. Cars, music, sport. Contemplate those things. All these details, all these facts and figures. They all add up to who you are; a person with a name, interests and hobbies, an occupation and a home that you live in.

Now, I want you to consider who else has this information; these facts, figures and details that all come back to you. Your school knows your name and date of birth, and like your friends, they all know where you live. Your workplace, they have your bank account details, your personnel file with your tax file number along with your address, date of birth, phone number etcetera. Now divert your attention to social networking sites. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram; think of all those sites. They have your name, your age, your hobbies, and interests. They have your friends, your sexual orientation, information on what you’re doing, who you’re with, who you’re dating, what you had for dinner last night. All these facts, figures, details and information in the hands, and the servers of an offshore company, displayed for people to view. To observe. To retain in their memory. All susceptible to theft from online hackers and cons.

So, how much privacy do you have now?

If you’re content with your workplace, your bank, your friends and your online profile having your personal details then you absolutely cannot say that you have a right to privacy when there are innocent human beings exactly like you being assaulted, attacked and abused because of a lack of exposure. A lack of guardians in the form of CCTV cameras and policemen being able to prevent yourself being  attacked from these deranged beings or to put the sick twisted scum who damaged you in a jail cell.

How quickly will your opinion change if these cameras are to catch a monster preying on your innocent child, if these cameras foiled a terrorism attack. Ask yourself, if your loved one was in imminent danger and the use of CCTV cameras could save them, would you give up your privacy for the life of your loved one, or would you subject them to pain to keep whatever privacy you even have to yourself? We shouldn’t be wasting time discussing the pros and cons of CCTV footage. We as a community need to do what is right for our families and our sense of safety. We must reclaim our suburbs for our own and not let them come under the rule of evil hunters looking to spread pain and fear into our hearts. Enough stories on the news about the search for the next predator seeking their victims in our neighborhoods. The time of change is way overdue, we need to place CCTV cameras in every building, outside every retail shop, in every suburban area, down every street. The ratio of 1 fixed camera sight to more than 1600 people needs to change drastically if you or I want to be able to walk down any street at night without the fear of the monsters lurking in the shadows around every street corner.

Why do you fear these cameras if you have nothing to hide? These cameras are here to monitor corrupt and undeserved behavior.  When used in unification with police, CCTV cameras record unjust actions in order to incriminate people and to act as a deterrent to further crimes. I cannot stress enough to you that they are used to protect us. If you haven’t done anything wrong, what police officer is going to care about what you do in your own time, they’re not going to care if you go the cinemas with your friends, and they’re certainly not going to care about the stash of food under your bed or your hidden copy of 50 Shades of Grey. They won’t judge you, except for perhaps possessing a copy of 50 Shades, but aside from that they are there to protect you; to make you safe. To allow you to walk down the street at night. The police will use these cameras to fight these sickening criminals victimizing the members of our community, so that they don’t have to go through the agony of telling your loved ones that you won’t be making it home for Christmas.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time. It’s time that this community put their own safety and the safety of others above whatever privacy they believe to still have. It’s time that this country of ours implement more CCTV cameras, so that no more families and communities have to struggle with the heartache of losing the ones they hold close. It’s time that we feel that sense of protection knowing that there is somebody not watching us, but watching over us.
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pi

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Re: Persuasive Speech Feedback (English pro call to arms!)
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2013, 12:57:31 am »
0
Is there a time limit on this speech out of curiosity?

It reads very well btw :)

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Re: Persuasive Speech Feedback (English pro call to arms!)
« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2013, 01:36:32 am »
0
Is there a time limit on this speech out of curiosity?

It reads very well btw :)
I think for these CCTV people (they actually go to the same school) the time limit is ten minutes. I was also concerned about this. It does read very  well, doesn't it? I've been marking it for a while now in another tab LOL
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Re: Persuasive Speech Feedback (English pro call to arms!)
« Reply #7 on: January 14, 2013, 01:40:35 am »
+1
Sounds like a good speech. Make sure to not keep saying umms while you're speaking because I lost marks for it Lol.
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Re: Persuasive Speech Feedback (English pro call to arms!)
« Reply #8 on: January 14, 2013, 01:47:06 am »
+3
It was the 2nd of June 2011.  A young 13-year-old girl dressed in her school uniform with her backpack on, left her loving family to walk by herself to school in the quiet, peaceful suburb of Boronia.  Little did innocent Bung Siriboon know, she wouldn’t make it to her school that day. She wouldn’t spend her recess and lunchtimes with her friends. She would miss her classes, and she wouldn’t make it home to her parents that night. Or any night after that.  Days went on, months flew by and a year passed and still to this very day Bung isn’t inside the safety of her home and her family. BOOOM! STRONG start!!

She was abducted that June morning, and her attacker has still not been even identified Strange sentence construction. "still not been even" is incorrect grammar, and it seems an odd phrase to precede 'identified', because if the criminal were identified, they'd also be tracked down and shoved on a stake and burnt alive. (metaphorically, of course). Needs reviewing. to the police nor any sign or knowledge of her whereabouts.  Imagine the pain, the fear, the sick feeling in the stomach that her parents and family would have felt, not knowing where their sweet innocent child was, or who she was with, or whether she is still alive or whether her corpse is rotting in the dark someplace unknown. That is the reality that Bungs family has to face every single second Good language but like this... "every. single. second that their child isn’t home safe in their arms. Awesome work so far.

 Bungs’ long suffering family, and the countless number of other brokenhearted families missing their loved ones after they have been stolen from them this portion of the sentence makes the two commas seem really stretched if that makes sense, are the innocent victims to this communities Just as a note, I won't correct flaws such as (community's) from here on if anyone listening won't be able to tell the difference. need for privacy. This communities need for complete anonymity from ‘Big Brother’ and the selfish paranoia stemming from the fear of being watched every second of the day.nice

They, ladies and gentlemen, are the helpless victims of those who are against the installation of  more CCTV cameras niiice!! in public placessentence feels like it needs to end here. whose advanced technology has the power to enable scenarios to be reviewed instantly, events to be played back when appropriate or needed, and to be used to monitor the severity of developing situations.After finishing the sentence, it needs to be split up into two sentences like I said before. This right here is the technology that can bring other victims like Bung Siriboon back to their homes, to their beds, to their families and to their friends, and at the same time saveing numerous lives from assaults and abductions from our streets. Good

It is clear to even the most ill educated child that this country must immediately install more CCTV cameras, so that no more families need to suffer like Bungs’. So that the young men and women of this country don’t wind up in the same predicament as the beautiful Jill Meagher, Ohhhh god. I guarantee you this will be said by 90% of people, and the details after this feedback will be embedded into the assessor's mind from repetition. Consider this.who whilst walking along Sydney Rd to her home and loving husband, was raped and murdered in the early hours of the morning of September 22, whose gutless killer was caught by police with the help of CCTV recorded footage. These cameras must be immediately instigated into the public so that no more families need to leave a courtroom followed by the accused acquitted on the lack of evidence against them.

Because,  my fellow teachers and classmates, whatever system we have ‘protecting’ us in place now, it’s not working.


Closed-circuit television cameras are currently being used by many organizations. Whether you’re in Chadstone, Fountain Gate, McDonalds or the 7/11 down the road, it is a guarantee that a CCTV camera is monitoring your movements and actions. I’m sure everyone here would agree with me in saying that these cameras are a necessity in identifying any criminal actions like theft or assault. I’m sure anyone really would agree that cameras in shopping centers are a deterrent to those fools who think it would be a real clever idea to steal a pair of shoes or some other item from any retail business. Yet we still have ignorant individuals out there who contest the employment of CCTV cameras when they've already been seen on a countless number of occasions., which can save lives. I think it'd be more effective to have a break between the 'life saving' gig.

Local Melbourne newspaper, The Age, reports Melbourne’s CCTV system includes 53 fixed sites and two mobile vans monitored at a perpetually staffed central control region. 53 fixed sites and two mobile vans to monitor the 86162 residents in the City of Melbourne. Now I know that I do not have the most competent brain when it comes to mathematical equations, but I do know how to divide a number by a number, and so after doing all the math, albeit using a calculator, I have come to the result that one camera of the 53 fixed sites monitors over 1600 people in the City of Melbourne. You definitely don’t have to be Einstein, or myself, who pretty much stopped paying attention in Math’s in year 8 to know that the ratio of just one fixed camera sight to more than 1600 people is an absolute outrage. Nah I don't like this at all. This would work if it was your whole speech. People would be laughing the whole way through and think you were witty. But here's what your speech looks like so far "FUCKING BOOM BOOM POWERFUL SPEECH BOOM BOOM ~~~~~lol year 8 math audiencejustgotdistractedfromdapower~~~. The extra words needed to work your gig into this paragraph is damaging. It's a good point and I see you're getting a mark for a source here but I think if it were just like.. "....to moniter the 86162 residents in the City of Melbourne. Now that's ONE CAMERA per SIX-TEEN *breath* HUNDRED. People. One per 1600. That is an absolute outrage
The main purpose of CCTV cameras is to monitor and to protect to monitor, protect, and deter.. These cameras will be used as a tool in conjunction with police to make this city, to make this country, safer for our families, our brothers, our sisters, mothers and fathers. ...our families. Our brothers. Our sisters, mothers and fathers. Safer for us to be able to walk down what should be our streets at night without the fear of being subject to vicious assaults, abductions, murders and tortures.wew (h5)

In 2010, the Drugs and Crime Prevention Committee released an inquiry regarding strategies to reduce assaults in public places within Victoria. The inquiry showed that 52% of assaults in Melbourne’s CBD were single victim/single offender assaults. That percentage is calculated for only incidents in which the offender has actually been identified. So, I ask you now, how many others? How many other men, women and children out there have been assaulted in this city without their offender being caught? How many of these poor innocent victims have been too afraid to speak out, to ashamed to tell anyone? How many of these individuals reduced to nothing, reduced to empty shells filled with fear from their attacking or assault, could have benefited from their twisted attacker being caught on CCTV footage?GREAAATTT language!

It is our time to change things. It is our time to fix the city we all live in. It is our generation that’s supposed to be technologically advanced.This might be hard to explain but you'll need to vary your tone for the third sentence. The first two sentence had a feel of "it is time for zyx even"... Naturally your audience will want the same flow for the third sentence. But then it's 'our generation that's..." which ISN'T an event. If you speak this how it's written it could be confusing because of the different subjects of the 1st, nd and then 3rd sentence, y'know? I  think it would be best for it to be "Isn't it our generation that's..." It’s time that we live up to our name. We have a technological solution in our hands, and we need more people to wake up and realize that whatever we have now has not worked and will not work. Cool cool.


I cannot stress enough how important these cameras are. I am sick and tired of watching the news every single night and seeing one story after the other. People being viciously assaulted, children being abducted, young men and women getting assaulted, hit and run accidents, malicious rapes and horrific stories of murder; spilling innocent blood all over the city which I’ve loved since I was a little girl. The city I no longer feel safe in, the city in which I fear my loved ones being in at nighttime where the monsters come to prey.
This preceding paragraph... I'd cut it. It damages your speech in my opinion. You've gone this speech with a powerful, formal tone and then all of a sudden it switches to casual. It also lacks the substance of your previous writing and is basically a massive collection of persuasive techniques without the strength. Also, most of it is repetition of the tiny, more subtle thing you've cleverly littered throughout your speech. Your speech also seems rather long - if you couldn't speak it to time, this is what I'd be straight up removing.
There is a lot of negativity regarding the implementation of CCTV cameras. Most of the arguments seem to be that those who oppose believe that it would be too imposing on our privacy.
Hm, this seems a break in flow. You've gone from "BOOM HERE'S MY POINT". To that first sentence ^ which is sort of a 'state the obvious is a measured tone' sort of jam. It seems more 'thoughtful' than the previous power. It also looks like a signpost so you can start on your next point and that's where the bump in flow occurs. If you take this point, put it up after I wrote "cool cool" and basically just went... "The only pseudo-valid argument I've heard to not implementing CCTV was the "invasion of privacy" it could cause. Really, how much privacy do we have anyway?" <-- That's in my style of writing but I'm sure you get the idea I was trying to convey
I ask you now directly, how much privacy do we have anyway?

According to the dictionary, privacy is the state or condition of living free from being observed or disturbed by other people. Privacy appears to be a very important entity in people’s lives. As with any other important matter, there are countless laws and regulations regarding our privacy and that of others. With these laws, come very serious repercussions if our ‘privacy’ were to be invaded. Yes, I do place privacy in quotation marks because ladies and gentlemen, I question whether we as people and members of this community undeniably have ‘privacy’. I stand here in front of you today, my teachers, my peers, and my friends, to question whether we, as according to the dictionary definition, are truly free from observation by other people.Is this intended as a source/mark? Unless this is absolutely vital to what I'm about to read I would scrap it for the length concern. As soon as I hear "According to the dictionary" in a speech I just want to leave the room. This is the same as the last I said to scrap, seems to lack a lot of substance.

I would like you all now to take a moment and divert your undivided attention to yourself now. I want you to think about all the details that make you, you. Think about your name, your address. Ponder on the details of the hospital in which you were born, think of your date of birth, your tax file number. Most of you here would be employed somewhere, and earning relatively good money, though I’m sure you would disagree. Think of the bank account number to where your money is transferred. Reflect now on the hobbies that you enjoy, the things that interest you. Cars, music, sport. Contemplate those things. All these details, all these facts and figures. They all add up to who you are; a person with a name, interests and hobbies, an occupation and a home that you live in.

Now, I want you to consider who else has this information; these facts, figures and details that all come back to you. Your school knows your name and date of birth, and like your friends, they all know where you live. Your workplace, they have your bank account details, your personnel file with your tax file number along with your address, date of birth, phone number etcetera. Now divert your attention to social networking sites. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram; think of all those sites. They have your name, your age, your hobbies, and interests. They have your friends, your sexual orientation, information on what you’re doing, who you’re with, who you’re dating, what you had for dinner last night. LOLAll these facts, figures, details and information in the hands, and the servers of an offshore company, displayed for people to view. To observe. To retain in their memory. All susceptible to theft from online hackers and cons.

So, how much privacy do you have now?
Impressive.
If you’re content with your workplace, your bank, your friends and your online profile having your personal details then you absolutely cannot say that you have a right to privacy when there are innocent human beings exactly like you being assaulted, attacked and abused because of a lack of exposure. A lack of guardians in the form of CCTV cameras and policemen being able to prevent yourself being  attacked from these deranged beings or to put the sick twisted scum who damaged you in a jail cell.
Nice
How quickly will your opinion change if these cameras are to catch a monster preying on your innocent child, if these cameras foiled a terrorism attack. Ask yourself, if your loved one was in imminent danger and the use of CCTV cameras could save them, would you give up your privacy for the life of your loved one, or would you subject them to pain to keep whatever privacy you even have to yourself? We shouldn’t be wasting time discussing the pros and cons of CCTV footage. We as a community need to do what is right for our families and our sense of safety. We must reclaim our suburbs for our own and not let them come under the rule of evil hunters looking to spread pain and fear into our hearts. Enough stories on the news about the search for the next predator seeking their victims in our neighborhoods. The time of change is way overdue, we need to place CCTV cameras in every building, outside every retail shop, in every suburban area, down every street. The ratio of 1 fixed camera sight to more than 1600 people needs to change drastically if you or I want to be able to walk down any street at night without the fear of the monsters lurking in the shadows around every street corner.Pumped full of PLTs, nice. Could be cut down if it ends up drastically exceeding the time limit (looks like it could be a 15 minute speech atm unless you're Busta Rhymes).

Why do you fear these cameras if you have nothing to hide? These cameras are here to monitor corrupt and undeserved behavior.  When used in unification with police, CCTV cameras record unjust actions in order to incriminate people and to act as a deterrent to further crimes. I cannot stress enough to you that they are used to protect us. If you haven’t done anything wrong, what police officer is going to care about what you do in your own time, they’re not going to care if you go the cinemas with your friends, and they’re certainly not going to care about the stash of food under your bed or your hidden copy of 50 Shades of Grey. They won’t judge you, except for perhaps possessing a copy of 50 Shades, but aside from that they are there to protect you; to make you safe. To allow you to walk down the street at night. The police will use these cameras to fight these sickening criminals victimizing the members of our community, so that they don’t have to go through the agony of telling your loved ones that you won’t be making it home for Christmas.Hahahahaha, very good. Make sure you pull the joke delivery off. I hope you'll be practicing your speech.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time. It’s time that this community put their own safety and the safety of others above whatever privacy they believe to still have. It’s time that this country of ours implement more CCTV cameras, so that no more families and communities have to struggle with the heartache of losing the ones they hold close. It’s time that we feel that sense of protection knowing that there is somebody not watching emphasis on watchingus, but watching over emphasis on overus.

Well then. At times, you've impressed me. I won't sum the feedback here, I think what's above will be enough. Very well done, indeed.
✌️just do what makes you happy ✌️

pi

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Re: Persuasive Speech Feedback (English pro call to arms!)
« Reply #9 on: January 14, 2013, 02:13:09 am »
+3
Re: word limit, as it stands, this speech is 2000+ words.

From experience in debating, 150 words/min is a good speed generally. So I think you may have to trim 500-600 words from this :/