MHS Writing Topics + Essays + Advice XD

[pixelgraphicsful]

Hello!
Well, this essay was sadfhsaldfjksdlfjsadf.

I don't know, main thing about today's essay was that I just couldn't write quickly. I couldn't think quickly. And I couldn't think well.
Sigh,

I wrote this in 15 minutes and 4 seconds.
The topic was:
Should the city offer a bike sharing program?

I'm probably just out of practise, hopefully.
The biggest thing is that the writing still looks really messy, if not messier than before.
Ugghghhg, here it is.
Anyway, thanks for reading my rant.
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Cities should offer a bike sharing program because doing so will boost the economy, financially assist the cities and decrease pollution.

Firstly, cities definitely ought to provide a bike sharing program because it will help the economy. If such a program is established, people will be more inclined to travel around the city. While doing this , one is likely to spend money on food, tourist destinations and services such as shoe cleaning. (lol wtf) A portion of this money will be taxed and the city will receive some of it. Hence, cities should offer a bike sharing program.

In addition, cities undoubtedly should provide a bike distributing service because doing so can raise money. Since bikes are relatively large, advertisements can be utilised on these bikes. All this ad revenue will add up to financially help the city.

Lastly, cities ought to offer a bike sharing program because such a program will reduce pollution. Pollution is harmful to the environment and cities are notorious for generating a lot of carbon emissions due to most people driving instead of say, walking or biking. The public will prefer to bike if an option os provided. Thus cities should offer a bike sharing service.

Cities unequivocally should offer a bike sharing program because it will help fund the city, decrease pollution and financially help the government.
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[MightyBeh]

Cities should offer a bike sharing program because doing so will boost the economy, financially assist the cities and decrease pollution.  I think financially assist and boosting the economy are pretty (too?) similar. In my first read, I wasn’t really sure what the difference was.

Firstly, cities definitely ought to provide a bike sharing program because Kind of nit-picky, but this is nearly the same as your introduction it will help ‘help’ sounds weak, maybe something like ‘provide the economy with the (help/assistance) it needs’ alternatively, I’m pretty confident that ‘increase economic growth’ is also applicable. the economy. If pretty passive – try ‘when’; it sounds more assertive and confident such a program is established, people will be more inclined to travel around the city why?. While doing this, one is likely to spend money on food, tourist destinations and services such as shoe cleaning this is a lot more specific than your other arguments; ‘Other services provided in the city’ might fit better. A portion of this money will be taxed and the city will receive some of it The city will see a significant increase tax revenue from these transactions. Hence, cities should offer a bike sharing program.

In addition, cities undoubtedly should Word order? If I were speaking it, I'd say 'should undoubtedly'provide a bike distributing service because doing so can pretty passive, try 'will' raise money. Since bikes are relatively large, advertisements can be utilised on these bikes. All this ad revenue will add up to financially help the city. I’m not sure with this paragraph, it’s pretty short and general. I’d nearly merge it with the first one or change the argument to ‘a bike distribution service will increase exposure of advertisements to the public’, because there’s lots more you can talk about with ads.

Lastly, cities ought to offer a bike sharing program because such a program will reduce pollution Classic strong argument, I like it. Pollution is harmful to the environment and cities are notorious for generating a lot of carbon emissions Clear, concise, and strong. Sweet phrase. due to most people driving instead of say, unnecessary. If you really want that slight pause, go for something less colloquial. walking or biking. The public will prefer to bike if an option is provided why?. Thus cities should offer a bike sharing service.

Cities unequivocally nice word should offer a bike sharing program because it will help fund the city, decrease pollution and financially help ‘aid’ might sound better the government.

Your vocabulary is varied and pretty much spot on (considering you’re in year 7 (I think?) there’s nothing to complain about. Seriously, colour me impressed ) First and third arguments are solid; not sure if it was intentional, but ordering your paragraphs the way you did made it more persuasive (imo) because you started and ended strongly. Great job.

[pixelgraphicsful]

Cities should offer a bike sharing program because doing so will boost the economy, financially assist the cities and decrease pollution.  I think financially assist and boosting the economy are pretty (too?) similar. In my first read, I wasn’t really sure what the difference was.

Firstly, cities definitely ought to provide a bike sharing program because Kind of nit-picky, but this is nearly the same as your introduction it will help ‘help’ sounds weak, maybe something like ‘provide the economy with the (help/assistance) it needs’ alternatively, I’m pretty confident that ‘increase economic growth’ is also applicable. the economy. If pretty passive – try ‘when’; it sounds more assertive and confident such a program is established, people will be more inclined to travel around the city why?. While doing this, one is likely to spend money on food, tourist destinations and services such as shoe cleaning this is a lot more specific than your other arguments; ‘Other services provided in the city’ might fit better. A portion of this money will be taxed and the city will receive some of it The city will see a significant increase tax revenue from these transactions. Hence, cities should offer a bike sharing program.

In addition, cities undoubtedly should Word order? If I were speaking it, I'd say 'should undoubtedly'provide a bike distributing service because doing so can pretty passive, try 'will' raise money. Since bikes are relatively large, advertisements can be utilised on these bikes. All this ad revenue will add up to financially help the city. I’m not sure with this paragraph, it’s pretty short and general. I’d nearly merge it with the first one or change the argument to ‘a bike distribution service will increase exposure of advertisements to the public’, because there’s lots more you can talk about with ads.

Lastly, cities ought to offer a bike sharing program because such a program will reduce pollution Classic strong argument, I like it. Pollution is harmful to the environment and cities are notorious for generating a lot of carbon emissions Clear, concise, and strong. Sweet phrase. due to most people driving instead of say, unnecessary. If you really want that slight pause, go for something less colloquial. walking or biking. The public will prefer to bike if an option is provided why?. Thus cities should offer a bike sharing service.

Cities unequivocally nice word should offer a bike sharing program because it will help fund the city, decrease pollution and financially help ‘aid’ might sound better the government.

Your vocabulary is varied and pretty much spot on (considering you’re in year 7 (I think?) there’s nothing to complain about. Seriously, colour me impressed ) First and third arguments are solid; not sure if it was intentional, but ordering your paragraphs the way you did made it more persuasive (imo) because you started and ended strongly. Great job.

Hey MightyBeh,
The green corrections look a lot more friendly than the red. Lol, I don't know if it was unintentional or not but thanks for doing that. XD

Fear not that your hard work is wasted, I'll use your notes to the full potential XD.
I don't have much else to say, got to write my narrative now.
Thanks! Although that word is so overused in this thread, I really mean it! 

Thank you!

[heids]

The green corrections look a lot more friendly than the red.

How do they compare to blue?

[pixelgraphicsful]

Hello!


Yes! Finally! I found the trick to writing short stories!   
For me at least. XD
Basically, the past few days narratives have been really lacking, just generally, lacking.
What I've found is that I just wasn't really in the vibe to write.
I solved this by spending a few minutes just writing down whatever came to mind before I wrote the actual thing.

So anyway, just a tip for anyone else having the same problem.
Also feels really good to give something back to the community, after having receiving so much!
Thanks!

The topic was:
A hostage situation at a bank was not how I wanted to spend my morning.
I wrote this in 15 minutes.

Hopefully, others think it's not bad too. LoL, would be pretty sad if it was just disillusionment. LoL. Big word.XD
Here it is ! 
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"Bang" an ear-piercing gunshot erupted inside the bank. A cacophony of loud, commanding voices and petrified screams followed. Thomas leaped in a spazem of fear. A natural instinct awakened inside of him, the flight or flight response - he chose the latter. In a wild dash for safety, Thomas scrambled behind a shaggy red couch.

A second gunshot was fired, raising the panic. Thomas clutched at his chest. Adrenalin exploded within his body. His heart was beating like the thumming wings of a caged bird, demanding Thomas to act. His breath quickened, to a point where it seemed as if he was hyperventilating. Out of the blue, the noise vanished. Anticipation and dread seemed to pollute the room. Thomas gasped. For a brief moment, time froze as he entered a parallel universe, a universe where he did not have to think, have to feel.

Concurrently, a large figure holding a gun towered over Thomas.
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Oh gosh, it was a bit on the cliche-ic side wasn't it? Nevermind, 

[MightyBeh]

"Bang!" aAn ear-piercing gunshot erupted inside the bank. A cacophony of loud, commanding voices Whose? and petrified screams followed. Thomas leaped* in a spazem Spasm? It's okay, spelling it hard  of fear. A natural instinct awakened inside of him, Maybe more build up for the flight or flight response - he chose the latter. In a wild dash for safety, Thomas scrambled behind a shaggy red couch Located where in relation to him? Why was the couch safe? These questions will help space out your events and moderate the pace. For depth, consider something like 'does 'red' represent anything?', or 'why is the couch shaggy?'.

A second gunshot was fired, raising the panic. Thomas clutched at his chest. Adrenalin exploded within his body. His heart was beating like the thumming Humming? Thrumming? Thrum? wings of a caged bird is this a metaphor or symbol intentionally? It reads like it is. , demanding Thomas Him? to act. His breath quickened, accelerating to a point where it seemed as if he felt like, he appeared as though, etc. (I thought 'seemed' didn't fit well, but feel free to ignore this one) he was hyperventilating. Out of the blue in contrast (juxtaposition?) to the red couch, or a coincidence?  , the noise vanished Ceased, stopped. I don't know about you, but I can't see noises  . Anticipation and dread so, nervous excitement? Anxiety? seemed to pollute the room. Thomas gasped. For a brief Not necessary, but not bad. Alters the pace and contrasts a bit with 'time freezing', but can't hurt to keep moment, time froze as he entered a parallel universe, a universe where he did not have to think, where he did not have to feel. (Also negligible, but including an anaphora would be a nice way to consider literary devices while you write**

Concurrently Word choice? Doesn't really fit with everything else. I do like the word though, a large figure holding a gun towered over Thomas.

* Reeeally nitpicky (as always ), but 'leaped' sounds slower and more clunky than 'leapt' (imo, I'm not a linguist). In a piece where the pace is pretty important (like this one, it adds to suspense or action, as well as a few other things), I'd opt for leapt even though I think leaped looks better. I don't think that kind of choice would even be assessed though, it's more of a preference thing. (also, relevant-ish grammarist article)

** (deliberately or not) taking Literary devices into account when you're writing can boost the quality of your work by a lot. Casual challenge for your next piece, if you choose to accept it, is to intentionally incorporate  three literary devices. (For example, diatribe, simile and metaphor)

How do they compare to blue?

I think the answer to think can be determined by an intense game of Rock Paper Scissors, best two out of three? <3

[pixelgraphicsful]

"Bang!" aAn ear-piercing gunshot erupted inside the bank. A cacophony of loud, commanding voices Whose? and petrified screams followed. Thomas leaped* in a spazem Spasm? It's okay, spelling it hard  of fear. A natural instinct awakened inside of him, Maybe more build up for the flight or flight response - he chose the latter. In a wild dash for safety, Thomas scrambled behind a shaggy red couch Located where in relation to him? Why was the couch safe? These questions will help space out your events and moderate the pace. For depth, consider something like 'does 'red' represent anything?', or 'why is the couch shaggy?'.

A second gunshot was fired, raising the panic. Thomas clutched at his chest. Adrenalin exploded within his body. His heart was beating like the thumming Humming? Thrumming? Thrum? wings of a caged bird is this a metaphor or symbol intentionally? It reads like it is. , demanding Thomas Him? to act. His breath quickened, accelerating to a point where it seemed as if he felt like, he appeared as though, etc. (I thought 'seemed' didn't fit well, but feel free to ignore this one) he was hyperventilating. Out of the blue in contrast (juxtaposition?) to the red couch, or a coincidence?  , the noise vanished Ceased, stopped. I don't know about you, but I can't see noises  . Anticipation and dread so, nervous excitement? Anxiety? seemed to pollute the room. Thomas gasped. For a brief Not necessary, but not bad. Alters the pace and contrasts a bit with 'time freezing', but can't hurt to keep moment, time froze as he entered a parallel universe, a universe where he did not have to think, where he did not have to feel. (Also negligible, but including an anaphora would be a nice way to consider literary devices while you write**

Concurrently Word choice? Doesn't really fit with everything else. I do like the word though, a large figure holding a gun towered over Thomas.

* Reeeally nitpicky (as always ), but 'leaped' sounds slower and more clunky than 'leapt' (imo, I'm not a linguist). In a piece where the pace is pretty important (like this one, it adds to suspense or action, as well as a few other things), I'd opt for leapt even though I think leaped looks better. I don't think that kind of choice would even be assessed though, it's more of a preference thing. (also, relevant-ish grammarist article)

** (deliberately or not) taking Literary devices into account when you're writing can boost the quality of your work by a lot. Casual challenge for your next piece, if you choose to accept it, is to intentionally incorporate  three literary devices. (For example, diatribe, simile and metaphor)


I think the answer to think can be determined by an intense game of Rock Paper Scissors, best two out of three? <3

Hey MightyBeh,

Reeally sorry for the late response, I'll explain that when I post my first essay in like weeks.
Will take note of all corrections in future essays. Thanks! XD

I really just want to finish today's essay before I get sidetracked again.
Being really busy the past weeks/days.

Thanks again! 

[pixelgraphicsful]

Hello!

Okay, I admit, I wasn't very active the for the past weeks, or active at all. 
BUT! I have a pretty good reason.
Pretty much, last week was kind(*very) of stressful for me.

First of all, I had my saxophone exam on saturday. While that doesn't seem like much of a big deal.
The thing is, I've never done an instrumental exam before (AMEB I'm talking about) and I get really nervous.
Saxophone is also the FIRST instrument I've played, so I had no experience with music related stuff, which made me feel like I was going to crash and burn during the test. Above that, I only started this year and my teacher suggested I skip to grade 2. So I was skipping preliminary and grade one for a exam I have no experience with and I was pretty unconfident with my skills. Nevertheless I spent like half of every day practising/cramming for the ameb saxophone exam.

And of course, fate had to add fuel to the fire (lol). Besides my saxophone exam, I also had an english exam and a science test.
So yeh...

Anyway, I've sidetracked a bunch but... this is my story I guess.

On a brighter note, I've finally resumed my essay writing thing!
The topic was:
Should there be an ordinance citing people who fail to recycle
I wrote this in 14 minutes and 59 seconds. I was pretty impressed actually, considering my absence of practise.
Here it is! XD
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There should be an ordinance citing people who fail to recycle because doing so will raise awareness, help the environment and economically benefit the country.

Firstly, fining people that do not recycle will create national awareness. Once the law is established, citizens will take much more care in disposing of their waste because they do not wished (actual writing error) to be fined. During this process people will be more educated on how their waste impacts the environment. In return, more citizens will wish to contribute to the environment by means such as organising fundraisers in support. Thus people who fail to recycle definitely should be financially penalised.

In addition, creating an ordinance citing citizens who fail to thoughtfully remove their waste will help the environment. Garbage and landfills are undeniably harmful to the environment because animals may get trapped in them, food waste releases carbon emissions which damage our atmosphere and is a bad use of Earth's precious resources. These concerning problems will cease once the rule is made. Hence, people definitely should be fined for not recycling.

Lastly, penalising people who fail to recycle will boost the nation's economy. People who do not follow the rules will be fined, this money will aid the government. This extra money can be combined with other cash sources to allow the nation to feed the poor.

Therefore, people should be fined for not recycling. People should be fined for not recycling because doing so will raise awareness, help the nation and aid the environment.
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Wow, the last argument was derp.
Cheers if you've read up to here! 

[pixelgraphicsful]

Hello!


I've been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of weeks and I've decided.
That I'm going to postpone this thread until possibly christmas.

This is due to a lot of reasons but mainly because, I want to focus on my school grades and the entire section is pretty idle at the moment.

Thanks for understanding. 

[MightyBeh]

I had my saxophone exam on saturday. While that doesn't seem like much of a big deal.
The thing is, I've never done an instrumental exam before (AMEB I'm talking about) and I get really nervous.
Saxophone is also the FIRST instrument I've played, so I had no experience with music related stuff, which made me feel like I was going to crash and burn during the test. Above that, I only started this year and my teacher suggested I skip to grade 2. So I was skipping preliminary and grade one for a exam I have no experience with and I was pretty unconfident with my skills. Nevertheless I spent like half of every day practising/cramming for the ameb saxophone exam.

And of course, fate had to add fuel to the fire (lol). Besides my saxophone exam, I also had an english exam and a science test.
So yeh...

Yeah, I remember my first flute exam (it was pretty awful)! Hopefully your first time was better than mine

Sucks that those other assessments were around the same time, too.

As for the critique, here goes:

There should be an ordinance citing people who fail to recycle because doing so will raise awareness of what?, help the environment and economically benefit the country benefit the country's economy? phrase is kind of awkward (could change country for populace? idk) .

Firstly, fining people that do not recycle will create national awareness of what? More information is better than less . Once the law is established, citizens will take much more care in disposing of their waste because they do not wished (actual writing error) to be fined. During this process people will be more educated on how their waste impacts the environment there we go. Try putting this in with your topic sentence. In return In addition to this?, more citizens will wish to contribute to the environment's health? by means such as organising fundraisers in support of?. Thus it is logical that? people who fail to recycle definitely should be financially penalised.

In addition, creating an ordinance citing citizens who fail to thoughtfully remove their waste will help the environment do what? Pay its taxes? . Garbage and landfills are undeniably harmful to the environment because animals may get trapped in them, food waste releases carbon emissions which damage our atmosphere and is a bad use of Earth's precious resources. Ordering. I personally prefer the longest argument at the end, because it helps people (just me?) remember what we're talking about and helps the flow a bitThese concerning problems will cease once the rule is made. Hence, people definitely should be fined for not recycling.

Lastly, penalising people who fail to recycle will boost the nation's economy. People who do not follow the rules will be fined, this money will aid the government. This extra money can be combined with other cash sources to allow the nation to feed the poor. Feeding the poor is a little off topic

Therefore, people should be fined for not recycling. People should be fined for not recycling because doing so will raise awareness, help the nation and aid the environment.

Pretty good, I think I was being nit-picky. Maybe try some less-safe arguments though? Presentation is great, but ideas are key

Hello!


I've been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of weeks and I've decided.
That I'm going to postpone this thread until possibly christmas.

This is due to a lot of reasons but mainly because, I want to focus on my school grades and the entire section is pretty idle at the moment.

Thanks for understanding. 

Grades are important, but don't forget to have fun too! <3

[Dat1guy]

Good luck if you ever come back here

[pixelgraphicsful]

Hello! 

So.....Long time no see.....
I could list the excuses for my absence for days but the main reason would be a lack of motivation, and a lack of enthusiasm through the whole section. Not trying to divert the blame mind you, it IS my fault.

I really do appreciate the words of encouragement. I've been neglecting this site for months now. Recently, as the tests are drawing closer, I've had an overshadowing urge to return to ATARNotes. The news today finally did it for me...I have been offered an interview.

Before you deem me mad and tell me the test hasn't crawled upon us yet, I have to say that this isn't an interview for Melbourne High (obviously). During my vacation from this forum, I have not forgotten about the test. In preparation for the Selective School Examination, my parents decided to give me a 'realistic practice test' by making me do the scholarship test for Camberwell Grammar. I agreed with this idea and just a fortnight ago, I completed the test. If you wish for me to tell you about it, feel free to ask, although it's probably off topic and I can't fully recall the exam. ANYway, today, my mother called me and told me I had been offered an interview and it was going to be next week on monday (29th).

Hopefully, that clears things up a bit.

On a different note, how is Melbourne High? Dat1Guy? Are the teachers good? Are your classmates annoying (lol)? What do you enjoy most? Anything else?

So yeh...Hi guys XD
-PixelGraphicsful

[Dat1guy]

Hello! 

So.....Long time no see.....
I could list the excuses for my absence for days but the main reason would be a lack of motivation, and a lack of enthusiasm through the whole section. Not trying to divert the blame mind you, it IS my fault.

I really do appreciate the words of encouragement. I've been neglecting this site for months now. Recently, as the tests are drawing closer, I've had an overshadowing urge to return to ATARNotes. The news today finally did it for me...I have been offered an interview.

Before you deem me mad and tell me the test hasn't crawled upon us yet, I have to say that this isn't an interview for Melbourne High (obviously). During my vacation from this forum, I have not forgotten about the test. In preparation for the Selective School Examination, my parents decided to give me a 'realistic practice test' by making me do the scholarship test for Camberwell Grammar. I agreed with this idea and just a fortnight ago, I completed the test. If you wish for me to tell you about it, feel free to ask, although it's probably off topic and I can't fully recall the exam. ANYway, today, my mother called me and told me I had been offered an interview and it was going to be next week on monday (29th).

Hopefully, that clears things up a bit.

On a different note, how is Melbourne High? Dat1Guy? Are the teachers good? Are your classmates annoying (lol)? What do you enjoy most? Anything else?

So yeh...Hi guys XD
-PixelGraphicsful

Amazing place, definitely not a grade factory, tons of co curricular

Even though I'm bad at sports, I'm doing table tennis, volleyball, Chorals, robotics and such, just go for it!(partly for diploma points I guess)

I'm smart like always, started Japanese this year and I'm taking it to VCE, the 99.95 will mean more if I manage it with these conditions

Anyways, tip, don't make Janus angry, and don't hand in your work to him stapled at the top, a classmate learnt it the hard way

[pi]

I'm smart like always, started Japanese this year and I'm taking it to VCE, the 99.95 will mean more if I manage it with these conditions

Such modesty

[Dat1guy]

Such modesty

Ikr
... But it's the only language I'm keen on ;_; I studied Turkish for 5 years but I forgot it in a week coming here due to how boring it was