2018 AA Club - Week 7

[scout]

Background: As the women's AFL league heads into its second season, the Australian public continues to debate whether the sport is gaining adequate support and recognition from the sporting world.

The AFLW is minutes old and the mother ship (the AFL) is suggesting a change in game style to improve scoring opportunity and maintain viewer interest (Sport, 7/2). This suggests there is a quick fix: discuss in the locker room and the show is improved for the next game. The AFLW is under-resourced, the athletes are part-time, it is an eight-week season, and coaches have limited time to bring a team together. The feeder systems are yet to mature, with teams recruiting cross-code athletes who do not necessarily have "game IQ".

Learning does not happen overnight. Experience is key; it is underrated until you have it, and this relates to players, coaches, clubs and the AFL. Patience, trust and time are required for this professional game to evolve. As we have seen in other sports, the women's game may give us something different and exciting that even the men can learn from.

[starre]

Hi guys, first time here, took me longer than I'd like to admit to write this    Any feedback is much appreciated!


The start of the AFLW season has provoked discussion as to what purpose this form of the game provides. In a measured tone, the article contends that the women's version of the AFL requires time and effort to evolve into a sport from which both players and spectators can reap the benefits of.

From the outset, the article labels the AFL's decision of a "change in game style" as a "quick fix" in the "locker room", positioning readers to view the AFL's suggestions as merely made on a whim and not thought out carefully, and therefore of little use to improving the league. This is further highlighted by suggesting that the "quick fix" would improve the "show" for the "next game", manipulating the audience to believe that the AFL is not looking towards long term prospects for the longevity of the league, and instead simply viewing the league as a "show" which continually needs to be tweaked to provide adequate entertainment for fans.

The article proceeds to draw attention to the possible reasons as to why the AFLW has not necessarily run at its full potential as of yet. These reasons place emphasis on the time and resource constraints placed on teams, therefore indicating that it is not the fault of the players or the league itself, but rather what limited resources it has received. This demonstrates to the reader that the AFLW simply has not been given a chance to develop, positioning them to regard allocating more resources to the league as being necessary for its development. Furthermore, the article elucidates to readers from the outset that the AFLW has only lasted for "minutes", the exaggeration signifying to readers that the league is still in its infancy and is not likely to be perfect from the start. This is elaborated on as the article points out that experience and learning is something that does not occur "overnight", further positing to readers that it is only through being given "patience, trust and time" that the league is able to utilise the experience and learning of players and coaches within a professional league in order to have games of a respectable quality.

Emphasising the notion that "even the men can learn from" this "different and exciting" version of the game, the article indicates to the audience, particularly those who may only regard the men's AFL as being vital, that the AFLW should be an integral part of the sport not just for womens' sake but for men's too, and that the running and perseverance of the league would benefit all parties involved. Additionally, outlining the successes of the women's format of the game "in other sports" compels readers to believe that what has once worked in the past is likely to work again, given that the necessary changes and resources are provided.

[scout]

Hi guys, first time here, took me longer than I'd like to admit to write this    Any feedback is much appreciated!


The start of the AFLW season has provoked discussion as to what purpose this form of the game provides. In a measured tone, the article contends that the women's version of the AFL requires time and effort to evolve into a sport from ofwhich both players and spectators can reap the benefits of. nice short, sharp intro!

From the outset, the article labels the AFL's decision of a "change in game style" as a "quick fix" in the "locker room", positioning readers to view the AFL's suggestions as merely made on a whim and not thought out carefully, and therefore of little use to improving the league. This is further highlighted by suggesting that the "quick fix" would improve the "show" for the "next game", manipulating the audience to believe that the AFL is not looking towards long term prospects for the longevity of the league, and instead simply viewing the league as a "show" use your own words rather than the quote itself which continually needs to be tweaked to provide adequate entertainment for fans good. --> so what overall argument is this paragraph about? State this in your topic sentence before moving on to analysis.

The article proceeds to draw attention to the possible reasons as to why the AFLW has not necessarily run at its full potential as of yet. These reasons place emphasis on the time and resource constraints placed on teams evidence?, therefore indicating that it is not the fault of the players or the league itself, but rather what limited resources it has received. This demonstrates to the reader that the AFLW simply has not been given a chance to develop, positioning them to regard allocating more resources to the league as being necessary for its development. Furthermore, the article elucidates to readers from the outset that the AFLW has only lasted for "minutes", the exaggeration signifying to readers that the league is still in its infancy and is not likely to be perfect from the start good. Therefore..? [Link back to contention, as obvious as it might be!] . This is elaborated on as the article points out that experience and learning is something that does not occur "overnight", further positing to readers that it is only through being given "patience, trust and time" that the league is able to utilise the experience and learning of players and coaches within a professional league in order to have games of a respectable quality.

Emphasising the notion that "even the men can learn from" this "different and exciting" version of the game, the article indicates to the audience, particularly those who may only regard the men's AFL as being vital, that the AFLW should be an integral part of the sport not just for womens' sake but for men's too, and that the running and perseverance of the league would benefit all parties involved. Additionally, outlining the successes of the women's format of the game "in other sports" compels readers to believe that what has once worked in the past is likely to work again yes, you're right but you've basically summarised the quote. Be more specific - link to contention , given that the necessary changes and resources are provided by whom? To do what? Answers to these questions will ensure you're being specific to the contention, which will leave a strong impression on the examiner's mind at the end of your piece.

Hey starre

It is much better to have quality writing down-pat before timing at this time of the year - you're definitely on the right track!

Your writing is very fluent and you are really to the point with your analysis, which is just what you need for AA

You've got a good understanding of what you need to get that incisive analysis happening, so not much comment there. Just remember to tie it all back together after your analysis - be sure to 'zoom out' to prove that you've really understand the text on a deep AND holistic level.

[Anonymous]

So I wrote a body paragraph for this topic. I would appreciate some feedback.

The AFLW league requires changes in order for it to be continuous and that temporary fixes will only lead it to its failure. First of all the AFL suggestion of “changing in game style” makes the readers assume that there is an issue with the game. This is furthermore reinforced by the AFLW being “under-resourced, the athletes are part time”.It also suggests that there is a “quick fix” This positions the reader to believe that this matter can be easily fixed. However “the show is improved for the next game” makes the reader assume that this fix is only temporary and that the same problems will still be there every week. Hence the audience impression of the AFLW  is that the league has problems that may be solved for a brief amount of time and not in the long term.

[Anonymous]

Hey starre

It is much better to have quality writing down-pat before timing at this time of the year - you're definitely on the right track!

Your writing is very fluent and you are really to the point with your analysis, which is just what you need for AA

You've got a good understanding of what you need to get that incisive analysis happening, so not much comment there. Just remember to tie it all back together after your analysis - be sure to 'zoom out' to prove that you've really understand the text on a deep AND holistic level.

Thanks scout! I will keep that in mind

[clarke54321]

So I wrote a body paragraph for this topic. I would appreciate some feedback.

The AFLW league requiresto avoid subjective statements like this, you need to precede the assertion with the name of the author. If there is no specified author, use writer. changes in order for it to be continuous and that temporary fixes will only lead it to its failure nice argument. First of allseems a bit list-y the AFL suggestion of “changing in game style” makes speculative. Try neutral verbs like, encourages/attempts/strives/positions, to remain focused on what is an intended effect]the readers assume that there is an issuehow do we come to such a conclusion? That is, how is the language used to persuade? with the game. This is furthermore reinforced by the AFLW being “under-resourced, the athletes are part time” <---before moving on, dissect this language and its implications..It also suggests that there is a “quick fix” This positions the reader to believe that this matter can be easily fixed and so they should be more receptive to a solution? Tease it out fully.. However “the show is improved for the next game” makesspeculative the reader assume that this fix is only temporary and that the same problems will still be there every week nice. Hence the audience's impression of the AFLW  is that the league has problems that may be solved for a brief amount of time and not in the long term meaning what? We should foster the AFLW's development in a more nurturing sense?.

Well done on the AA paragraph! You have a great understanding of argument, and how to expand on this throughout your piece (fluctuating between textual evidence and reader effect). However, I strongly encourage you to follow the what, how and why structure more closely.

What- evidence? The basis of discussion. The language in its simplest form.
How- what is it specifically about this language that provokes a reaction? Implications/suggestions/intimations.
Why- what is the corresponding reader effect? What is the writer trying to achieve with their persuasive language.

All the best

[Anonymous]

Thank you