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May 19, 2024, 08:12:01 am

Author Topic: please give me feedback on my creative piece for like a house on fire - Flexion  (Read 1931 times)  Share 

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Gurbaz

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Flexion - like a house on fire

It was just like any other average day, where frank would get up at 4:00 am and go to the farm and do his work just like every day. But, today Frank felt pain around his chest while he was getting get ready to go to the farm. But he didn’t mind the pain. Frank made his coffee and went off to the farm. As Frank was driving his tractor around the paddock, the chest pain came again but this was severed frank couldn’t see anything, and suddenly the tractor went to a hole and frank tried to save it but the tractor flipped and crash into a tree.

BANG. the noise that suddenly woke up Franks’s wife, his wife called frank but he wouldn’t pick up the call. She called him 5 times but still no answer. Straightaway franks wife got on the call and went to the farm as fast as possible, she sees smoke coming from the tree when she goes near the tree. “FRANK” she screams when she sees the tractor crash to the tree and blood dripping from franks head. Franks’s wife runs to him to get him out of the tractor. She manages to get frank out of the tractor but he is unresponsive, she called the ambulance straight away.

Frank is in the hospital now with tubes coming in and out of him. Everyone is around him and trying to get him to respond, and the nurse came to frank's wife and said “there will be a slight chance that frank will be alive in the next 48 hours”. Frank's wife drops on the chair and every emotion comes out of her. She was praying to god to make frank respond. Then a miracle happened, and the nurse came to frank's wife and said he is responding, but he is in critical condition.

After a few days come and go to the hospitals, Franks’s wife has been doing all the work inside of the house and on the farm. She has begun to notice that franks attitude has changed a lot, frank has become more aggressive than usual. One day Franks’s wife nearly lost it because frank got angry because she didn’t wash the spoon properly. As the days went by the recovery for frank has been getting better but his anger management has been getting worse and worse, and Franks’s wife cannot handle it. She even thought of filing a divorce, so she could live a better life without getting verbal abuse.

She has been taking frank to the hospital for a few days for regular checkups, and while waiting in the waiting area for Frank’s checkups to be done. She has finally decided to file a divorce against frank when he gets better because she cannot handle the aggressiveness and verbal abuse from frank.

A month later from the accident, Frank can know confidently do the regular things has he has been doing since get purchased the farm, while Frank gets up at 4 am and do his job. Franks’s wife has been looking for an apartment or a house to live in after the divorce. She contacts the lawyer and files a divorce against Frank. A week later she travels to the city to see an apartment for sale, she sees the apartment and makes a good deal and purchases it. Franks’s wife was happy because the furniture comes with the apartment, and she felt there is less weight on her shoulders now.

When she came home she check the mail and there for the divorce letters. She calls franks and asks him “when are you coming home from the farm”, and Frank replies “about in 3 hours, just fixing the tractor”. She was thinking about how would Frank react if I gave him the divorce papers. So she thought about it and she decided to leave the house with her belongings before Frank comes home in 3 hours and makes a scene about it. She gets her clothes in her suitcases, left the divorce papers and a note, and left the house. While she was leaving the house, she starts to cry and think about the good times she had with Frank but what she did was good, and she want to start a new chapter of life with no barriers only freedom.

A couple of hours later, Frank comes home and see the house is quiet, he looks around the house and sees his wife's not here, Frank tries to call her but she doesn't answer. Then he sees a note on the kitchen table with notes of divorce papers and he sees a note with it. He starts to read the note and he starts to tear up and sad and angry. Frank starts to get severe chest pain again and gets shortness of breath, and he falls to the floor and shouts his wife's name.

Another ending could be.

Franks's wife was on the way to her apartment when she feels that something is wrong with frank, she drives as fast as she could back home, and when she enters the house she sees Frank lying on the floor, and she runs to him crying, and she checks his pulse and he dies

harrietspecter

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Hey! I edited the starting of the story, maybe consider making these changes- let me know what you think!


It was just another average day, where Frank would get up at 4:00 am and go to the farm and complete the day's tasks, falling into the same mind numbing pattern that was so familiar he couldn't forget it if he tried. As Frank hoisted his bag onto his shoulder, already wishing the day was over, he felt a sharp pain in his chest that left almost as quickly as it started. He chalked it up to age and began to fill the coffee maker.

Later, the pain returned as Frank was driving his tractor around the paddock. It was harder to ignore this time and Frank gasped as he attempted to turn the key in the ignition. He held his hand up to his chest as the pain became more pronounced, his keys slipping out from his hand in the process. BANG! Frank yelped as he was plunged into darkness at rapid speed.

lemurbruv

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Hey!

I agree with the changes that harrietspecter made, for a few reasons:

- It introduces the theme of everyday mundanity quite strongly. Kennedy really sets out to explore how people cope in alterations to their everyday, some being small, while others are life-altering. By showing the reader how Frank feels about his own everyday experience, (through "falling into the same mind-numbing pattern that was so familiar he couldn't forget it if he tried"), it sets up a familiarity and mundanity to the story for the reader.

- I feel that the edits more effectively create imagery surrounding the accident by showing rather than telling. For example:
  • "He chalked it up to age and began to fill the coffee maker." is more effective than "But he didn’t mind the pain" because it is a more realistic depiction of how someone like Frank would handle experiencing chest pain. It creates a stronger sense of Frank's character for the reader.
  • It was harder to ignore this time and Frank gasped as he attempted to turn the key in the ignition. He held his hand up to his chest as the pain became more pronounced, his keys slipping out from his hand in the process. BANG! Frank yelped as he was plunged into darkness at rapid speed

    I feel this is a good example of, again, showing as opposed to telling. It sets up a sense of urgency for the reader and makes it easier for them to visualise what's happening. The reader isn't being told that frank crashed the tractor because he had chest pain, they are being given a detailed account of the steps leading up to the accident that create a more realistic description.

I think your biggest point of improvement would be to focus on your story-telling methods. Your content is there, however I think the way you tell this story could be more effective. For me, your current style doesn't evoke any sense of emotion, which is a big factor in mimicking what Kennedy is trying to achieve.

I'd consider rewriting your ending to make it more detailed and emotive, showing the emotion on Frank's face as he realises his wife has left, or the shock and devastation on his wife's face after she finds him dead.

Hope that helps!
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