Following the tragedy that has left a boat carrying 28 asylum seekers dead off the coast of Christmas island, fiery debate has arisen as to who is to blame among the media Wrong word choice? You know what media means right?. In particular, a Herald Sun editorial: “Gillard Government Asylum Policy Now at Sea,” published on the 16th Dec, 2010, contends in a predominately condemning tone that the Gillard government must accept responsibility for the Christmas island tragedy and end the “flawed asylum seeker policy.” Conversely, the Age opinion piece written by Independent MP, Rob Oakeshott: “PM must be quick with Details about Christmas Island Tragedy” blatantly insists that the Gillard government give answers for the events that led to the death of the asylum seekers, since many are misinformed or fed rumours Very long sentence. Both pieces are targeted towards a similar audience, particularly those with interests in foreign affairs and politics.
The Herald Sun piece initiates criticising the Gillard government by positioning them as the instigators of the asylum seeker tragedy Awkward sentence. “Men, women, children,” “dashed to pieces in raging seas” evokes Evokes? I think it is used in the wrong context not only their More specific, who is their? vulnerability and helplessness but Trying to put too much in one sentence further arouses a sense of sympathy and despair towards such the victims. Consequently then, the editor enhances Enhances? Wrong context again? that this fault remains largely due to the “flawed” asylum seeker policy and, thus, should have removed Proof Read?. Furthermore, the title reveals the piece’s scorn for Against the policy* the policy with metaphoric connotations: “Gillard Government Asylum Policy Now at Sea.” Specifically, “now at sea” exemplifies that it is the laws that have caused the many asylum seekers to drown. Such a forthright pun undermines the government’s reputation and further illuminates their law’s capability This sounds a put awkward and wordy to cause devastation. The emotions of anger and frustration are now compounded upon feelings of sympathy—overall, the placement of asylum seekers as the victims, the Gillard government as the perpetrator, exemplifies disdain and indignation towards Can you hate towards someone? Can you feel a sense of unfairness towards someone? "I think you got the "towards" syndrome. the type of policies brought out by the government.
Moreover, the Herald Sun editorial challenges the Gillard government by questioning their “compassion.” I don't think, this was the intended contention or action of the authorOnly “real compassion” would “not tempt” asylum seekers to “risk their own lives”—words that accentuate the helplessness of the victims as they play into the trap that is Gillard’s “softened” immigration laws. Readers are forced Readers are never forced to do anything to scrutinise the Gillard government’s value of compassion and further condemn their manipulative nature. Additionally, the inclusive “our shores” not only highlights the togetherness of Australian readers, but further enhances feelings of guilt, since the victim’s deaths occurred on Australian soil Your trying to compact too much in one sentence. Henceforth, not only emotions of guilt are evoked, but readers will denounce the government’s inaction in taking responsibility. Feelings of anger are reiterated, which overall generates a negative portrait of the Gillard government and, thus, disregard for its policies.
In contrast, while the Herald Sun editorial seeks to condemn, the Age opinion piece demands the truth from the Gillard government by revealing that readers are given merely “misinformation” and “second-hand whispers”—connotations which engenders a sense of isolation—that is, being left out from what is supposed to be a national issue That was an incredibly long sentence. As a result, readers feel the need to uncover the answers to the events concerning the Christmas Island tragedy for themselves and know that what they are receiving is not an “information void.” Moreover, the multiple questions: “how did the boat…get so close?” “what are the details?” “are reports true…?” generates frustration and compounds upon the feelings of isolation and being left out that the audience has previously been prepositioned with. Overall, then, the need for the Gillard government to “lead” and include the readers in the truth is ignited. I felt this entire paragraph was abit clumsy
Oakeshott furthermore instigates fear within readers by placing the Gillard’s misinformation as the cause of “hysteria, xenophobia and conspiracy” by “white extremists” and “’stop the boat’ advocates”—such terms signify a growing sense of extreme terror. Thus, readers, having been positioned with anxiety and trepidation will demand for facts to rid such rumours Elaborate more please, slow down!. Maintaining this fear, the piece targets the economic values appeals to the hip pocket of the readers. Having Weak“willingly damaged our economy” Oakeshott portrays the crisis that now is facing Australia’s immigration laws and international business links. “Our nearest neighbours are watching us closely”—illuminates worry Separate sentenceand the notion that their every action, information and rumour is being monitored. Thus Overuse, for fear of an economic meltdown, readers are urged to demand for the truth to right this economic issue. Better wording surely?
Overall, the heart of both articles resides in the demand for something from the Gillard government: the Herald Sun editorial insists for the end the asylum seeker policy, whilst Oakeshott’s opinion piece asks for answers. By invoking a sense of sympathy and anger in the Herald Sun piece, the editor establishes the need for the Gillard government to take responsibility, whilst the feelings of fear and isolation in Oakeshott’s piece raises the need for answers that has befallen the victims of the Christmas Island tragedy.
Overall Score: 6.5
The main issue I found in this article was that in was incredibly hard to read. I felt that this essay was trying too hard to sound sophisticated, that in turn, it lost depth which is what language analysis is all about. You list a lot of effects, which is great, but it would be great to be more specific. Target a few techniques, and then go in depth. Also, it is important to slow down in your writing, your racing your thoughts and ideas into one sentence so much that it felt abit too rushed. The best things to work on atm, proof read your work, slow down in your writing, use simple words that are written in the right context (You tend to use words that isn't, and this destroys the linking within your paragraphs), don't try too hard to be sophisticated but aim for fluency first, then sophistication will come afterwards.
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