whys' VCE journal

[homeworkisapotato]

Hey whys!

Spoiler

Throne of Glass is by far my favourite! ACOTAR is alright in my opinion, and I much prefer TOG. I do love Rhysand though.

I LOVE the plot and characters of TOG, but I don't love the plot of ACOTAR. The characters are amazing though. I love Cassian ahaha, and I remember loving Dorian too. Especially Empire of Storms and after. Maas did the character development AMAZINGLY well in TOG. 

I've never heard of that series before - I'll add that to my to-read list!

YES it's so good!! The first book can be confusing but it gets so good and Kate is soo funny. Let me know when you read it!
Buttt Harry Potter forever <3

Thanks potato, and the same can be said about you as well. I have full faith that you'll do amazingly. Thank you for the reply, and stay safe!!

Thank you sooo much! That means the world to me (I swear I've said this to every nice thing you've said but honestly it's true!)

Literally AMAZING job in English, I can't even imagine doing that well. I also had a lot of trouble remembering plant stuff in Bio so I started using Anki a while ago and it's been great, so I highly recommend it for that and remembering minute details.

Sometimes, our pessimistic outlook can preclude us from realising how far we've come - something we should all definitely celebrate!

Wowza this is so true and something I struggle with everyday, thank you for reminding us to be more loving to ourselves<3

All the best for studies and I'm sure you'll exceed your predictions 
Stay safe!

[Geoo]

Hey Whys, great to read an update from you!

Completely get you with just the whole negative life stuff at the moment, but it's great to see that even though it's not the easiest thing to get through, you're still pushing through it and getting stuff done.

That's an amazing english score, i'm so proud of you! I know you've really struggled throughout the year with good old english, and to hear that it's actually going well is amazing to hear! I'm so happy for you, you absolutely deserve this after all the hard work you've put in!

I 100% relate to the procrastination stuff, i've been finding it hard to motivate myself these past few weeks, but on the positive side you're still getting stuff done, and whilst it's fast approaching, there's still plenty of time to get study done. Anyway, always nice to read an update from you, and best of luck with the exam study!

[whys]

Awww happy birthday! (For soon).

And 52/60 on an English exam?!?! You. Are. Amazing!!!!! That’s like a 45 study score equivalent!!!!! Especially with your amazing SACs throughout the year 

And a 10/10 *jaw drops to ground* Section A is also my worse but mine is EXTREMLEY BAD! But I feel in my trial exam it may have been my best......

Predicting scores makes me sad also but I love it too!!! We differ in that you can DEFINITLEY achieve yours 😊😊 don’t stop believing music 🎶

Good luck why’s! I’m 110% sure you underestimating yourself and we’ll look back on this post and say woah!

Empathising with English Struggles

Also it’s really really good to hear you feel you’ve improved in English! You inspired me to do the same a few months back and although I’m probably nowhere near your 52/60 my teacher said my comparative sac is the best I’ve done all year!!! And that I’ve generally improved a lot! I really wonder how we will do..... 

Thanks Elle!

My SACs are far from amazing, but thank you for the encouragement! Don't worry, with practice you'll definitely improve! I believe in your ability to do well in Section A, and I think you're underestimating yourself!

Thanks for your kind words, and I similarly think you're underestimating yourself too. Hopefully we'll both do satisfactorily on the end of year exams.

Spoiler

I'm glad I could! It's great to hear you've improved and without a doubt, you'll do well on the exam as you keep improving! English can be such a painful subject but I'm trying to take a different approach to maximise my scores. My love/hate relationship with this subject is slowly drawing to an end, and the same can be said for all others who just can't wait till the English exam is over.

Hey whys!

Spoiler

I LOVE the plot and characters of TOG, but I don't love the plot of ACOTAR. The characters are amazing though. I love Cassian ahaha, and I remember loving Dorian too. Especially Empire of Storms and after. Maas did the character development AMAZINGLY well in TOG. 
YES it's so good!! The first book can be confusing but it gets so good and Kate is soo funny. Let me know when you read it!
Buttt Harry Potter forever <3Thank you sooo much! That means the world to me (I swear I've said this to every nice thing you've said but honestly it's true!)

Literally AMAZING job in English, I can't even imagine doing that well. I also had a lot of trouble remembering plant stuff in Bio so I started using Anki a while ago and it's been great, so I highly recommend it for that and remembering minute details.
Wowza this is so true and something I struggle with everyday, thank you for reminding us to be more loving to ourselves<3

All the best for studies and I'm sure you'll exceed your predictions 
Stay safe!

Spoiler

I LOVE Dorian, honestly one of the best characters. I love Manon's character arc too, and the end of the last book broke my heart for her sake! Cassian was a character I liked too, but not as much as I liked Rhysand. I've never actually been a Harry Potter fan and I've gotten a lot of crap from it from my friends who are diehard fans of the books/movies haha. I've seen quite a few of the movies and read 1-2 books but unfortunately I just couldn't get into it.

Don't worry, you've got ages to improve. English is definitely one of those subjects you can make short-term improvements in if you know what you're doing and focus on a few key things to improve in for each essay. Thanks for the recommendation! I should definitely get onto going back to the flashcards I made throughout the year to help me remember the info haha.

All the best to you too potato!

Hey Whys, great to read an update from you!

Completely get you with just the whole negative life stuff at the moment, but it's great to see that even though it's not the easiest thing to get through, you're still pushing through it and getting stuff done.

That's an amazing english score, i'm so proud of you! I know you've really struggled throughout the year with good old english, and to hear that it's actually going well is amazing to hear! I'm so happy for you, you absolutely deserve this after all the hard work you've put in!

I 100% relate to the procrastination stuff, i've been finding it hard to motivate myself these past few weeks, but on the positive side you're still getting stuff done, and whilst it's fast approaching, there's still plenty of time to get study done. Anyway, always nice to read an update from you, and best of luck with the exam study!

Thanks for the reply, and I've been following along your journal and love seeing a new update!

Thank you so much Geoo, your encouragement is honestly making me motivated to go write an essay now! It did take a lot of hard work and demotivating scores, but in the end we can all improve if we put our minds to it, which is what matters in the end. <3 Procrastination is definitely one of the things I struggle with and I know most people find it similarly difficult to overcome, so I guess we're all in a similar boat, drowning in procrastination! I can definitely empathise with the losing motivation bit, and what works for me is reminding myself that it'll soon be over, and that I need to work hard now if I'm to achieve my goals.

Best of luck to you as well.

[whys]

I know I said I wouldn’t update until after exams are done (but I lied and here I am). I feel like giving some sort of warrior speech celebrating a victory after war. But I mean, it’s funny, because I know I didn’t win. But it still felt like a victory when I ran through the house and tore quotes off the wall, when I finally filed my English books away - no longer plaguing my study table. English is over. It’s done. It’s gone. I never have to analyse another book again, memorise a quote, stress about what I think the author is trying to convey. I don’t have to think ‘hmm... I wonder what Shakespeare is trying to tell me here?’ or ‘what metalanguage should I use?’ or ‘don’t forget to write about the images in my argument analysis essay!’ ever again. That’s it. It’s the end. And - it really is crazy.

Crazy because I never have to write a stupid text response, comparative essay or argument analysis essay again. No more mental breakdowns, no more ‘secluded weeping’ and ‘falling down on thresholds’, just calm and quiet and peace.

Walking into that exam, I felt so out of place. A wolf among sheep, an imposter among crewmates. One brain that cannot understand English amidst the intelligence of my cohort. But still, I walked in with a smile, with my chin up, and my eyes shining with faked confidence. I really did. That meditation really helped, I guess. I felt ready to conquer whatever VCAA was about to throw at me, whatever curve ball. Then - section B. Those prompts. Those horrid prompts. I knew they were going to be utterly difficult this year, but...

It was okay, though. I didn’t panic. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths, forgot that I was in the middle of the exam, and calmed down. Writing started and my hand flew across the page. Write like the wind, I told myself before the exam. And I did.

It was quite unfortaunte that somewhere in the middle of my exam, before I started section B, I started feeling a little weird. My head a little too light, my face a little too hot and a little too red. A twisting knot grew in my stomach. So I sat there, for 15 minutes, in silence, swallowing the pain. Of course I could’ve gone on a toilet break or told a supervisor that I wasn’t feeling too good, but I knew the outcome of that. A horrible derived study score. So I kept going, filling in the empty pages with lines of nonsense - one by one, minute after minute. More and more pages of nothings. Stuff that didn’t make sense, stuff that was irrelevant, stuff that wasn’t backed by evidence. I was too tired, too sick to care. I just kept going, and going, and going.

I did finish the exam, perhaps not with enough time to proofread, but with enough time to take a deep breath, close my eyes and tell myself it would be okay. English wasn’t the end of the world, unless I decided it to be. And in that moment, I decided that it never would be. I have more exams to prove my worth, more opportunities after high school to show people I’m worth more than a study score and more than an ATAR. That VCE English would not stain my declared victory.

It is impossible to escape that dread, though - that I’ll never be enough, that my teacher will look at me with disappointment glimmering in her eyes, that my parents will regard me with that silent, disapproving look of theirs. I promised myself I would not dwell on the possibilities, that I wouldn’t say... ‘but what if?’ and instead accept whatever is given to me. Of course I wanted a 40+, of course I wanted medicine, but can I really? Is it even for me?

At this point, I’m just glad I survived. I’m never looking back at English, because now, ‘there [is] only one way everything [will] go.’ I know that only in time I will come to accept it.

And that’s okay.

EDIT: And with that, I’ll probably be staying far away from atarnotes and other exam discussion spaces to prevent triggering any anxiety and feeling upset about my performance, perhaps popping into the biology question thread but nothing more. I wish everyone luck for their exams. We are so close.

[lm21074]

Congratulations on completing English, whys!

You're an amazing person that will make an amazing doctor. How you do on these exams won't change that.

Wishing you the best for the rest of your exams

[dedformed]

congrats whys!
 

because I know I didn’t win

you did. Your victory was real. Regardless of your performance, you deserve to feel proud of everything that has lead you to this point.

Also did I ever tell you you write beautifully? Your entries are smooth and engaging to read through (I'm a bit addicted to reading them ngl) and I'm sure your talent reflected through your essays as well. You're a really inspiring and amazing person and an English exam that only spans three hours of your existence can't speak for what kind of doctor you'll be.

Also good on you for staying away from things that make you feel nervous. Make sure you're taking care of yourself, and good luck with Bio.

*curtsey*
Penelope

[Chocolatemilkshake]

Hey whys,
First off, I completely agree the section B prompts for our texts were absolutely horrible so don't feel you are alone in feeling as though you wrote "irrelevant" stuff (I can definitely relate, I don't even know what happened towards the end...).
Next, a big congratulations for pushing through despite feeling sick during the exam. That would NOT have been easy and honestly says a lot more about your work ethic and determination than your study score 
Finally, you probably did a lot better than you thought I wouldn't completely ride off that 40+ . And even if you didn't, your UCAT puts you in a very good place regardless (anyway, medicine is your dream and you're a hard worker, intelligent and diligent. I have no doubt you'll get there in the end!)

Thank you for this entry, it was beautifully honest to read. All the best for the rest of your exams which I'm certain you'll do incredible in!

[The Cat In The Hat]

I know I said I wouldn’t update until after exams are done (but I lied and here I am). I feel like giving some sort of warrior speech celebrating a victory after war. But I mean, it’s funny, because I know I didn’t win. But it still felt like a victory when I ran through the house and tore quotes off the wall, when I finally filed my English books away - no longer plaguing my study table. English is over. It’s done. It’s gone. I never have to analyse another book again, memorise a quote, stress about what I think the author is trying to convey. I don’t have to think ‘hmm... I wonder what Shakespeare is trying to tell me here?’ or ‘what metalanguage should I use?’ or ‘don’t forget to write about the images in my argument analysis essay!’ ever again. That’s it. It’s the end. And - it really is crazy.

Crazy because I never have to write a stupid text response, comparative essay or argument analysis essay again. No more mental breakdowns, no more ‘secluded weeping’ and ‘falling down on thresholds’, just calm and quiet and peace.

Walking into that exam, I felt so out of place. A wolf among sheep, an imposter among crewmates. One brain that cannot understand English amidst the intelligence of my cohort. But still, I walked in with a smile, with my chin up, and my eyes shining with faked confidence. I really did. That meditation really helped, I guess. I felt ready to conquer whatever VCAA was about to throw at me, whatever curve ball. Then - section B. Those prompts. Those horrid prompts. I knew they were going to be utterly difficult this year, but...

It was okay, though. I didn’t panic. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths, forgot that I was in the middle of the exam, and calmed down. Writing started and my hand flew across the page. Write like the wind, I told myself before the exam. And I did.

It was quite unfortaunte that somewhere in the middle of my exam, before I started section B, I started feeling a little weird. My head a little too light, my face a little too hot and a little too red. A twisting knot grew in my stomach. So I sat there, for 15 minutes, in silence, swallowing the pain. Of course I could’ve gone on a toilet break or told a supervisor that I wasn’t feeling too good, but I knew the outcome of that. A horrible derived study score. So I kept going, filling in the empty pages with lines of nonsense - one by one, minute after minute. More and more pages of nothings. Stuff that didn’t make sense, stuff that was irrelevant, stuff that wasn’t backed by evidence. I was too tired, too sick to care. I just kept going, and going, and going.

I did finish the exam, perhaps not with enough time to proofread, but with enough time to take a deep breath, close my eyes and tell myself it would be okay. English wasn’t the end of the world, unless I decided it to be. And in that moment, I decided that it never would be. I have more exams to prove my worth, more opportunities after high school to show people I’m worth more than a study score and more than an ATAR. That VCE English would not stain my declared victory.

It is impossible to escape that dread, though - that I’ll never be enough, that my teacher will look at me with disappointment glimmering in her eyes, that my parents will regard me with that silent, disapproving look of theirs. I promised myself I would not dwell on the possibilities, that I wouldn’t say... ‘but what if?’ and instead accept whatever is given to me. Of course I wanted a 40+, of course I wanted medicine, but can I really? Is it even for me?

At this point, I’m just glad I survived. I’m never looking back at English, because now, ‘there [is] only one way everything [will] go.’ I know that only in time I will come to accept it.

And that’s okay.

EDIT: And with that, I’ll probably be staying far away from atarnotes and other exam discussion spaces to prevent triggering any anxiety and feeling upset about my performance, perhaps popping into the biology question thread but nothing more. I wish everyone luck for their exams. We are so close.

Good on you! At least it's done! And you obviously did your best, which is all you can do. Hopefully you did better than you thought!

[homeworkisapotato]

Hey whys! Congratulations on finishing English! Your entry was beautiful and no matter what happens I hope you are proud of the amazing work you've done all year!! All the best for Bio this Friday and stay safe <3

[angrybiscuit]

congrats whys we truly won when we could FINALLY get rid of piles and piles of english notes and close of the 10000 tabs dedicated to english. We NEVER have to do that again

I share your lament over Section B, it was not okay. But let’s not dwell on something we can’t change. Remember, from one english hater to another, we came out of it as winners

The others above me speak the truth. Your suitability for medicine is not dictated by how well you compare texts or by how well you analyse arguments. Don't let this deter your overwhelming passion.

[99.95_goal]

I know I said I wouldn’t update until after exams are done (but I lied and here I am). I feel like giving some sort of warrior speech celebrating a victory after war. But I mean, it’s funny, because I know I didn’t win. But it still felt like a victory when I ran through the house and tore quotes off the wall, when I finally filed my English books away - no longer plaguing my study table. English is over. It’s done. It’s gone. I never have to analyse another book again, memorise a quote, stress about what I think the author is trying to convey. I don’t have to think ‘hmm... I wonder what Shakespeare is trying to tell me here?’ or ‘what metalanguage should I use?’ or ‘don’t forget to write about the images in my argument analysis essay!’ ever again. That’s it. It’s the end. And - it really is crazy.

Crazy because I never have to write a stupid text response, comparative essay or argument analysis essay again. No more mental breakdowns, no more ‘secluded weeping’ and ‘falling down on thresholds’, just calm and quiet and peace.

Walking into that exam, I felt so out of place. A wolf among sheep, an imposter among crewmates. One brain that cannot understand English amidst the intelligence of my cohort. But still, I walked in with a smile, with my chin up, and my eyes shining with faked confidence. I really did. That meditation really helped, I guess. I felt ready to conquer whatever VCAA was about to throw at me, whatever curve ball. Then - section B. Those prompts. Those horrid prompts. I knew they were going to be utterly difficult this year, but...

It was okay, though. I didn’t panic. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths, forgot that I was in the middle of the exam, and calmed down. Writing started and my hand flew across the page. Write like the wind, I told myself before the exam. And I did.

It was quite unfortaunte that somewhere in the middle of my exam, before I started section B, I started feeling a little weird. My head a little too light, my face a little too hot and a little too red. A twisting knot grew in my stomach. So I sat there, for 15 minutes, in silence, swallowing the pain. Of course I could’ve gone on a toilet break or told a supervisor that I wasn’t feeling too good, but I knew the outcome of that. A horrible derived study score. So I kept going, filling in the empty pages with lines of nonsense - one by one, minute after minute. More and more pages of nothings. Stuff that didn’t make sense, stuff that was irrelevant, stuff that wasn’t backed by evidence. I was too tired, too sick to care. I just kept going, and going, and going.

I did finish the exam, perhaps not with enough time to proofread, but with enough time to take a deep breath, close my eyes and tell myself it would be okay. English wasn’t the end of the world, unless I decided it to be. And in that moment, I decided that it never would be. I have more exams to prove my worth, more opportunities after high school to show people I’m worth more than a study score and more than an ATAR. That VCE English would not stain my declared victory.

It is impossible to escape that dread, though - that I’ll never be enough, that my teacher will look at me with disappointment glimmering in her eyes, that my parents will regard me with that silent, disapproving look of theirs. I promised myself I would not dwell on the possibilities, that I wouldn’t say... ‘but what if?’ and instead accept whatever is given to me. Of course I wanted a 40+, of course I wanted medicine, but can I really? Is it even for me?

At this point, I’m just glad I survived. I’m never looking back at English, because now, ‘there [is] only one way everything [will] go.’ I know that only in time I will come to accept it.

And that’s okay.

EDIT: And with that, I’ll probably be staying far away from atarnotes and other exam discussion spaces to prevent triggering any anxiety and feeling upset about my performance, perhaps popping into the biology question thread but nothing more. I wish everyone luck for their exams. We are so close.

Hey there, I just wanna say wow - you've really thought this through, and by the looks of it, you are quite the writer

[w0lfqu33n89]

The was one of your most inspiring and admirable posts EVER!!! <3

[whys]

Hi everyone, I’m always overwhelmed by the number of positive responses I get on here - they’re so heartwarming to read. I love reading them and I’ll probably edit this entry later replying to each one of you, but for now there’s just some stuff I want to get out.

Firstly, everyone walked out of that bio exam saying it was easy. And of course, I agree with them. I found it much easier than other years - deceptively easy, even. But the more I think about my answers, the more wrong they are. I keep thinking about how I just wasn’t specific enough for so many questions. And, I’m getting a DES for bio. My best subject this year. The easiest exam, but now I’m going to get the worst possible study score. I could barely read the questions, the words were all blurry on the pages, I didn’t know what bullshit I was writing - I just wrote. I’m pretty sure I just shaded in some random bubbles for multiple choice. Not once did I take my highlighter out, not once did I underline anything from the question stem. My entire exam plan went down the drain and now two subjects that would make or break my ATAR, I have failed so badly. Even with the emergency rest breaks I got it wasn’t enough, I kept telling myself it would be okay but I knew it wasn’t. Everyone around me was on like the last page of the exam and I had barely started short answer. I kept trying to understand the questions but it took me so long. My hand was just writing random words and I know most my answers didn’t make sense. It’s going to take me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I’m not going to get an ATAR anywhere near what I was aiming for. It just feels like all those hours practising for the UCAT, doing well in year 11, studying this year, doing interview prep, has all gone out the window. All that hard work, for what? To get an ATAR that’s nowhere near competitive for med, to read a hundred different rejection letters from every uni, to see everything go down the drain because of something I couldn’t control. But still, it feels like it was my fault, and I wish I could go back in time to change something, anything. I can’t believe I did all that hard work for nothing. It just makes you feel worthless. I never thought I’d get a derived score, but here I am, my dreams of getting above 45 crushed, left with the numbness that I probably won’t even get 40. The world is just depressing right now. I just want to keep crying and never do my chemistry and methods exams. It just feels like - what’s the point? you know. I don’t know how to feel, it just feels like everything is spiralling out of control and I’m desperately trying to piece my life back together, but it’s not working. It’s just so hard to accept it, and I don’t know when I will. I don’t know if I can. I know what it’s going to feel like when I open my ATAR, and I don’t ever want to. I don’t want to see sympathy on people’s faces, I don’t want them to say ‘Oh, I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s not your fault, you know?’ but nothing is inevitable, everything could have been changed. But most importantly, I don’t want to see the disappointment. From my teachers, who always knew I’d do well, but I’ve now failed them and their expectations. From my parents, who saw me work so hard this year but it’s all gone, just like that, in a second. From myself, because I expected so much from myself, but it’s just a waste now. 13 year of schooling, wasted, because now I can never get an ATAR I’m happy with. Every time I use the ATAR calculator I can’t help but cry, because now it’s impossible to do well and impossible to get into medicine. I am trying to push myself back up in time for the rest of my exams but I don’t think I can.

Anyways, that’s my word vomit done. I don’t have anything positive to say so I’ll leave it here. I wish everyone the very best for the rest of your exams. Keep pushing, I know you can do well. 

[dedformed]

Hey it's me.

I read your journal after posting mine and I can't pretend to be all flowery about it and say it's going to be okay because I'm feeling the same about yesterday's exam. It sucks to have to come at terms with it.

I know it's a bit hypocritical of me to try to make you feel better when I kept telling my parents to let me be miserable for a while but something my mum said to me yesterday stuck with me: "Don't create a frameshift mutation". You still have 2 more exams to go. It feels so hard to push out of Biology, but try to focus on Methods and Chemistry. You haven't received your study score yet so  you never know where it will take you. And you still have the UCAT under your belt.

My Biology teacher said this and I found it somewhat comforting.

"Don't beat yourself up over the exam. It's not an uncommon feeling to walk out as you have. It's a different feeling to a SAC. More questions, more variability, can't recall all responses etc.

There's an incredibly small chance that you score that low. It's done, and you've got other responsibilities to focus on. Immerse yourself in that world now.

When you get your score, we can revisit the realities of the year rather than what might be. "

If things don't turn out the way you wished, there'll be other pathways for med. You're such a conscientious person you'll find your own way into the career that best suits you and makes you happy. Remember not to judge your self worth based on one exam because it's such a weird system. How can 2.5 hours determine how much your aptitude is worth? aTAR is  jUsT a NumbEr. The system downright sucks, and I'm not saying this out of sympathy but pure agitation about it. Try your best for Chem and Methods, and if you feel prepared enough, also give yourself a break. Go out for a walk. Listen to something calm. Dress up, even. It helps. Have chocolate.

*virtual hugs* because I kind of know how this feels.
Don't leave any regrets for other subjects. Be kind to yourself

[Geoo]

Hey Whys,

I already know you've got tones of responses to reply to, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone, and that your feelings are perfectly valid. I was in the exact same position with bio last year. I didn't get a DES as for me it's chronic which doesn't count :/, however my own heatlh condition severely interfered with my exam performance. I ended up passing out for around 15 minutes and just had no clue what I even wrote for the rest of it. I can 100% relate to that feeling of seeing all of that hard work down the drain. All those practice exams, your SAC scores, all the time you spend revising, I think that's what hurts the most. Just knowing that because that day didn't go to well, when all other factors were controllable, it's just that pesky unpredictability of health.

Time does heal the frustration, although i'm still a bit bitter about it, but your not alone in those feelings. I really do hope that you'll do fantastic on your remaining exams, and fingers crossed it doesn't happen again or to that extent. Remembering how the ATAR is just a score reflecting a period time, and that time wasn't the best unfortunately. Don't be too hard on yourself, I know the pressures we all place on ourselves make that difficult, but hopefully you can be happy knowing that it's all over and done with now. Good luck, you're almost done!