Lollymatron's essay from the other thread. Note I do mark strictly on criteria so there's going to be a lot of one-worded comments like 'reword' etc... Firstly, great to see an IOM essay here
“In Interpreter of Maladies, Lahiri explores the impact of acceptance and rejection on people. Discuss.”
Within her anthology, Interpreter of Maladies, Lahiri portrays the lives of Indian diasporic people and interwoven cultures
Say more than just this. Interpret and broaden your understanding about the topic. Contextualise. Throughout these narratives
You must get the text type right - collection of short stories she highlights the importance of social belonging and the implications this has on an individual’s
Maybe use some metalanguage and incorporate 'protagonists' in here? livelihood. Communication appears to be
Avoid passive voice the key to mutual acceptance, with the ability to traverse social boundaries and cultural barriers allowed through human contact
Make yourself clearer here. Conversely, Lahiri conveys how people can experience alienation as a result of social rejection, thus revealing the value of community as a key source of human wellbeing.
To conclude your introductions, always have a broad statement starting with 'Thus, Lahiri presents...' or something similarAcceptance of those around us can result in unexpected connections
This reads like a context topic sentence. Mention Lahiri's surname in all topic sentences to avoid this problem. These relationships often circumvent traditional social and cultural boundaries as a common ground of humanity is revealed. This is evident within “ The Third and Final Continent” in which a relationship between the narrator and his landlady develops, in spite of a gulf of culture, language, and generations
Sentence structure is weak. Mrs Croft’s abrupt style of speech is characterised by imperative commands “Lock up!”, indicative of her rigid nature and social conservatism
Good reference to values. The narrator’s associations with Mrs Croft's own era “ filled with...chaste conversations in parlours” further reflects the disparity between them both
You are not explaining in relation to the topic in enough depth.... Yet
Comma? Lahiri communicates the inherent value of their unlikely relationship.The simple action of the narrator placing the envelope with the week’s rent
Metalanguage for this example? directly into Mrs Croft’s hands is conveyed as a gesture of acceptance; indeed, in contrast to her usually lack of niceties, Mrs Croft’s response suggests a mutual appreciation. “ It was very kind of you”. Here
Never start sentences with 'Here' as it makes your structure way too obvious. Lahiri promulgates the genuine relationship established between the narrator and Mrs Croft, professing to the effect of empathy as a means of human connection.
Concluding statement should be broad. It should reiterate what your paragraph was discussing. Lack of depth and metalanguage in this paragraphFurthermore, Lahiri demonstrates the complexities of relationships
Say more than just this. Relate back to the topic. Expand. Through the interaction of her characters, she portrays the lasting implications of rejection in our closest ties. This is prominent within “A Temporary Matter” in Shoba’s words, “ I’ve been looking for an apartment and I’ve found one.” Laced within this statement of fact is an underlying rejection, allowing
Avoid the ing words Lahiri to unveil the effects of such repudiation. The injury inflicted by such words is evident within the narration, “ It sickened Shukumar, knowing she had [been] preparing for a life without him.”
You need to ensure that your quotes are fully embedded everywhere. If you can remove the quotation marks and the essay reads and flows seamlessly, it is properly embedded. Here, you have just tagged it onto the end. Here
Use another starter Lahiri magnifies the ability of rejection to destroy relationships and change circumstances irrevocably. Moreover, in “ A Real Durwan”,
Hmm I am not keen on your use of 2 stories per paragraph. This sacrifices the level of depth you can go to in discussing the first story. I would strongly recommend making links and comparisons throughout, but not actually spend time analysing the other story. You want to discuss 3 stories in the essay in a lot of depth and comparing slightly to other stories, rather than a brief analysis of 5 stories Boori Ma is characterised as a social outcast, with the description of her “ observ[ing] gestures…in the same way a person tends to watch traffic in a foreign city” clearly highlighting her position as an outsider. As the narrative
Short story develops, it is made clear that her position is totally dependent on the support of her community, with the description of Mrs Dalal’s “ [giving] the old women ginger paste…to flavour her stews” evidence of Boori Ma’s reliance on collective kindness for her very survival. Lahiri communicates the precariousness of such a position, “knowing not to sit on the furniture, she crouched instead” illustrating her subservience in a hierarchical caste based culture
Good . Upon the resident’s “ toss[ing] out of Boori Ma , Lahiri communicates her utter destitution as a result, with the final image of her “ [shaking]
Avoid over-doing the square brackets the free end of her sari” evoking pathos from the audience
Not enough reference or relevance to topic . Thus, the author reveals the impact of social rejection can have on one’s prospects for security and contentment.
Contrastingly, Lahiri’s anthology also embodies a resonating sense of optimism in accepting unfamiliar circumstances. In “Mrs Sen’s”, Eliot embraces a completely foreign world without trepidation, “ He especially enjoyed watching Mrs Sen as she chopped things”.
Embed the quote Eliot does not display apprehension before novelty, as Sanjeev does in “ This Blessed House” in encountering garish Christian iconography. Rather, the exotic image of” a blade that curved like the prow of a viking ship”
You have not discussed this example to enough depth. What is the metalanguage relevant to the example, and how does the example illustrate that Mrs Sen is at cultural war with herself? displays a sense of Eliot’s boyish fascination with the unknown. Here
Avoid Lahiri establishes an atmosphere of warmth “ the radiators continuously hissed like a pressure cooker”, an indicator of Eliot’s ensconce into a new and welcoming world. Similarly, in “The Third and Final Continent”
Discuss something unique about the structure of the collection. Why is ATM first and Third and Final last? the narrator encounters America with eagerness “ I read every article and advertisement so that I would grow familiar with things”. This
Avoid this word leads to his successful integration into American life and culture, “we are now American citizens.” Hence, it seems apparent that those who accept new environments without inhibitions who learn the most from their experiences.
However, Lahiri suggests that apathetic acceptance of one’s situation can result in unfavourable outcomes. Acquiescing to the desires of another person can degrade one’s personal integrity. This is evident
Reword within “ Sexy”, as Miranda’s illicit relationship with Dev is seen as one of subordination. Dev’s demand that Miranda remove her robe because she was “ depriving him of the sight of her long legs” is a clear indicator that the objectification of her body is paramount over any semblance of a mutually respectful relationship. Yet in the narrative description
Too many stories discussed yet not enough depth “ she walked across the room to get him a saucer for his cigarette ashes”, Lahiri conveys how Miranda has unwittingly allowed herself to be exploited in a futile relationship. This passive servility is also evident throughout “This Blessed House”, with the final image of Sanjeev holding the statue “ [follow]ing
Twinkle", a representation of the nature of their relationship. Here
Reword Sanjeev is portrayed as compromised for the sake of his marriage, thus communicating how acceptance of a new social role can result in disempowerment. In this way, the writer
Lahiri is able to express
Avoid passive. Say expresses how embracing new scenarios is not always beneficial for an individual’s prospects.
In the collection “ Interpreter of Maladies”
Underline, Lahiri examines both the negative and positive ramifications associated with human relationships. She suggests that in confronting new situations boldly, individuals have potential for success, while implicitly warning against the dangers of subordination and social rejection.
Mention context and values somewhere in this conclusion. Ultimately, Lahiri reveals the enormous implications of one’s interactions with others, and the capability for social influences to completely alter one’s course in life.
Overall a decent essay. You need to work on:
- Quoting technique
- Quality and complexity of ideas
- Writing on less stories, focusing on 1 main story and then making links to others throughout
- Using metalanguage - this is extremely important. Symbols, metaphors, parallels, narration, titles, structure, language features, characterisation etc. are ALL missing. You need to draw upon a wide range of metalanguage examples
- Lack of depth throughout
- Irrelevant parts
- Too short
- Overall structure, do not make it too obvious by saying 'Here...'
Good effort but you will need to refine this essay.
Score - 5/10