penelope's (attempt at a) VCE journal

[dedformed]

Note: I changed my username, and will now refer to myself as "dedformed" since I'm a) willing to be dead for med and b) privacy concerns.

Hello beans,

Welcome to another episode of me ranting about my life and issues and doing barely anything to get past them. I was hesitant on doing an entry today because I was so guilty of not being accountable. Last week was (somewhat) mega productive, I did at least 3-5 hours of work everyday and got a good balance between studying and chilling. This week, I attended Congress 2020 (annual student voice meeting, look it up, it's super cool) so my days were quite occupied - it took up 4 hours of my Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Today, so you would expect me to spend the rest of the time doing some level of work, right?

Except, no, I just lazed around.

 I did a few Bio exams and practiced a bit for EI, but I'm two chapters behind in Chemistry and I haven't even started my Methods holiday hw.  For UCAT, I've been working on QR but it's, like, five questions a day and that's what ten minutes? Not nearly enough. I just waste my time on youtube and watching kdramas and then feeling miserable about how I'm not as "smart" or "knowledgeable" as some of the people I look up to. Without doing the groundwork, I feel like I expect myself to soar the heavens. I blame quarantine for my emotional instability and honestly have been feeling very distant from my friends too. I feel like I'm not a genuine person and a fake. Like, sometimes I ask my friends about how they're feeling but I'm not sure if I really care (if you want to be my therapist check second spoiler lol). I don't find myself connecting to people at my new school and my friends (more like singular: friend) from my previous school have moved on. Similarly, sometimes I say I'm passionate about medicine, but am I really? Do I really care? I don't even put it that much effort into my work - not nearly as much as I should be, so do I even deserve to be a doctor? I'm super clumsy and keep making silly mistakes, and have been like this for as far as I can recall. In fact, I'm quite known for my clumsiness at home too, because I keep tripping and breaking stuff - can I really handle the fragility of dealing with life and death matters? Do I deserve to? Am I even mature enough to? I've just been ruminating this and it really bothers me how much time I waste thinking about crap when I haven't even received an offer. 

Woah, that's a bit of a rant. But it hasn't ended - I'm just not sure at this point. I know with my bio grades, I can get around 48 if I try really hard to minimise my mistakes (my SAC average around the year was 90, and that's what my practice exams average out to be too) but I just keep repeating them. Honestly even dream about getting my score back.  What if I'm overestimating myself? I feel like I'm gonna end up with a 35-45 and a 90 ATAR, which will barely get me through***

**** As I've said before, these aren't bad grades, but for medicine, the threshold is higher.  Not everyone has the same perception of success, and please don't feel offended or take this as me being condescending.

word of the week

The word is "pernicious" . My thought process is pernicious.

give me life advice, am I being immature?

My friend had been going through a hard time with her relationship and I gave her (what I believe was) as much support as I could, a listening ear. I respect her problems even though I can't always relate to them, and sometimes I tune out a little bit, but I always try my best to make her feel better. Until last week I texted her time to time, asking if she was okay, and when she asked for a time out I gave her space.

Last week, my mum and my grandparents (living overseas) tested positive for COVID. I don't find it cathartic to dump my emotions on others (haha, not like I'm not doing it rn), but I was really distraught with the news. Like, because of how the media portrays it as  a "battle" against the virus, how am I supposed to feel when my mum - someone I'm so close to - had to fight alone? Therefore, with soggy eyes, I impulsively spammed my friend and told her how upset I was. She told me it was going to be okay, but never texted me after that.

And that really annoyed me.

It's not like this is a bartering system, right? Then why do I feel so irritated because she didn't ask me how I was? I'm grateful my mum/ grandparents only showed very mild symptoms (they're still recovering though), but I just can't help being annoyed at the fact that the only friend I shared my issue with didn't bother once to text me and ask if I was alright. Just one text, of all the ATP you generate in every cycle of respiration, a few wouldn't cause famine. It's annoying that I feel this way, because I know she's had a lot on her plate because of her relationship, so she may have forgotten my text. But I just don't know if I'm being selfish or what.
Yesterday, a week after my mum tested positive, I texted my friend first and asked how she was. I don't know why I'd been waiting for her to ask me. I don't know why I asked that, because I'm not sure I cared. I don't know if it's PMS or what but I've just been dissociating with my friends. I feel like a fake person.
 

[whys]

Hi Penelope,

I've also been in the same boat as you, not doing any work, however don't expect your study routine to be perfect everyday. We're all humans and it's only normal to stuff up and end up not studying. Motivation is hard to come by in these trying times and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it (easier said than done, it took me many mental breakdowns to realise and accept this). Don't stress about the UCAT. You're in year 11, and you've got plenty of time to improve, so it doesn't matter if you're doing 5 questions a day or no questions a day, you'll have time over the summer holidays and year 12 to practise. If it's any consolation, I only ramped up UCAT prep 3 months before the exam, before that I was anything but consistent - some days I'd do no practice, some days I'd do an hour. Anyways, I digress. The point is that you shouldn't feel guilty about not doing enough UCAT practice or any study in general, a few days off won't harm your chances in achieving the scores that you want to.

At our age, it's impossible to say with certainty 'yes! this is precisely what I want to do as my future career!' and at times we might not feel like we can achieve our dreams. But, that's ok. You should not write off medicine, from what you've written it seems to me like you're feeling upset and pessimistic, which is okay, but recognise that it won't be like this forever! No 16-18 year old is mature enough to deal with things doctors do, so don't feel pressured to be a certain way to fit into a preconceived mould. Making silly mistakes and being clumsy are all very human things and shouldn't write you off any career (unless it's like a tightrope walker or similar!) and you've still got a year and a bit to figure out what direction you want to take after school. Your thoughts are normal and valid and it's okay to have them, but try not to worry over them too much.

Spoiler

I'm not going to comment too much on this, but what I will say is that it's okay to want support from others, regardless of whether you've helped them or not. We all need support in our lives, and I can understand that you'd be feeling upset when someone did not comfort you to the extent you wanted regarding the issues in your life. If you cannot find this within your friend, think about if there is anyone else who can give you that support - we all need a shoulder to lean on at times. However, the best thing to do would be to tell your friend directly how you feel and discuss your thoughts to prevent any further emotional distress from both parties! Explaining how you feel and why you want her support could be the first step to solving the strain in your relationship with your friend.

I hope your mum and grandparents continue to recover well. <3

Stay strong, Penelope.

[dedformed]

Stay strong, Penelope.[/spoiler]

Thanks for that, whys. I'm trying to be better but it can be a very meticulous journey sometimes. I also appreciate your reply to my 'spoiler' about my annoyance at not getting the response I wanted. I agree with your advice about bringing it up directly rather than marinating my feelings - but I don't want to make anyone feel guilty (after all, she was not obliged to text me), so I'm just trying to let it slide. In ten weeks, it won't seem as big of an issue so I'm probably exaggerating in my mind. But I'm feeling a lot better after your response - cheers!

Good luck with next term, busy (but exciting) term ahead of you!

Penelope.

[bluebird]

Hey Penelope, You are not alone.
I'm just going to echo what a lot of other ppl have said but almost everyone I've talked to is strugggggling to do work just because that's the way lockdown goes for them. Including me. I feel terrible because so many people seem to be excelling in lockdown. Srsly, don't beat yourself up. For me, whenever I feel pretty pessimistic about the future (which is a normal human feeling, that I often feel bad for doing) I think of how much I have improved and grown as a human in my years of schooling. I never would have imagined thinking in ways that I do now in year 7 or year 8. I feel like in the years in the future, even if I still procrastinate and feel terrible about myself, I will still be able to look back and see how much I have grown in ways that present me cannot imagine. I hope that made sense...
I'm positive that as lonely and isolating as life is right now and as uncertain as the future feels (especially for us Victorians) you are more than capable of overcoming all of the challenges you are and will be facing. 
You got this penelope! We are here to support you!!! 

[dedformed]

Helloooo beans!


First off, thanks to everyone that replied to the earlier entry made by me during a mental crisis -

You got this penelope! We are here to support you!!! 

I really appreciate the fact that you acknowledged how I felt as being a normal part of VCE and it was somewhat comforting to receive your replies. I sound like a youtuber so I'll stop.

Wondering why I'm here today instead of doing work? Yes, the EI oral presentation is tomorrow. The full stop to the journey. the UAG to my AUG. I've got the stuff ready to go, and my heart is a little shaky but I'm very excited! It's going to be so cool! Apparently we get to wait for our turn in this quiet room with this Russian dude in a tuxedo that tells us to do breathing exercises. Fun times heheh

School has been so overwhelming because I'm getting back into the routine of commuting 3 hours a day and the mental and physical exhaustion that comes from it takes some time to get accustomed to. I love being busy, it's just that my migraine pops into existence whenever I make changes in lifestyle and after two months of rolling in bed and only photosynthesising for an hour, I'll be a while before things return normal.

Although the spike of motivation I had to do one exam a day has lowered for biology - the content has become repetitive even though I still keep making silly mistakes - I know I'll gain some more momentum after tomorrow is out of the way. My brain is obviously occupied with EI but I'm also immersed in biology. Like when I walk down the street, I think about what I should do with my arms while I'm walking. Then I think about Lucy, the first bipedal hominin, who used her hands for good. Her progeny manipulated tools for cultural evolution, while she carried children during migration. I too must use my bipedalism to my advantage and manipulate my pen, for it is mightier than a spear. I cant walk without being aware of my foramen magnum. I cant stop thinking about histamines being released by my mast cells every time I clumsily stub my toe against my desk. It's an intriguing world, and my dad keeps wondering why I'm always smiling and amazed.

I might update this journal tomorrow after my presentation since the venue is a solid hour and a half away (by bus) from my place so I'll have lots of time to overthink everything I said and whine about how I could have done better.

new word

abjure, it means to renounce something

[Bri MT]

I used to commute a lot for uni and it is draining. That being said, I hope you're not photosynthesing - more like having UV light catalysing the vitamin D production   (I actually love the amount of bio references you make in your posts btw)

Best of luck for EI tomorrow!

[angrybiscuit]

Your posts (and your bio references) make me smile Indeed bio has only made me realise how incredible our bodies are. Such little nuances that keep us going and in such a delicate balance that I always wonder why it all works and how we're all alive.

I have a vendetta against public transport because it absolutely drains me. So kudos to you for doing it daily, I barely survived a short period. I hope that your body adjusts to the new routine soon and good luck for EI!

[dedformed]

This was an update I wrote instantly after I finished my oral but now I'm overthinking everything I said and could have said - was I being too chatty? Was I overtime? Yada yada. Every moment in the next seventy days (till dec 30) my self perception of the oral with be downgraded because of my overthinking;-; but I'll keep this here so I can laugh about it when I fail to/ succeed to achieve my study score goals

Okay so update:


I just finished and I am SO happy because I genuinely think I nailed it. I had a reference for eveything they asked, and ended with "thanks for coming to my ted talk" . I know it's bad to celebrate early but I am celebrating because so much effort went into  this subject and it's not about the study score anymore as much as it is about the amount of experience I gained and the stuff I learnt. I'll obviously be disappointed if I get a low score but this subject was worth all the mental crises from the word blocks.

POV I walked into the hotel where they were doing it and the said Russian dude gave us a nice pep talk. I think I needed that. He reminded us that were were in control and that our brains are slave computers that eat feelings and how we're in control of out body language. What a legend. The room was surprisingly well lit and modern for what the hallway leading up looked like - the small corridor could be used as a set for a horror film set in the 80s. The door was so heavy I had trouble pushing it lol. But Russian dude's spirit allowed me t sort myself out.

Also this is such a beautiful quote :

bio has only made me realise how incredible our bodies are. Such little nuances that keep us going and in such a delicate balance that I always wonder why it all works and how we're all alive.

Bri MT and angrybiscuit - Public transport sucks butt ;-; then again we're blessed to have it and I actually enjoy sleeping on the trainride home so it can have perks too:)

[Coolgalbornin03Lo]

Omg congrats on finishing EI!!!!!!!! It’s okay to celebrate! You just did a subject that not many people do.....and did it well

Same with after bio....I’m sure after you smash it you’ll totally be allowed to celebrate!

Spoiler

P.S how did you find the bio trial exam if you did it? I did it last week and although I didn’t do great I’m still quite happy as it [was] a month before the exam! Q4 was something else WASnt it? Reminded me of a reference you made here one time.

EDIT: also yeah I travel for 3 hours a day and it’s so bad that I’m doing nothing because I have FIVE 3/4 exams coming up! (6 including methods lol). So it’s completely okay if sometimes your too tired to do work. Your in such a good spot right now so a little rest is well deserved, good luck Penelope/dedformed 💕

[dedformed]

coolgalbornin03Lo

Omg congrats on finishing EI!!!!!!!! It’s okay to celebrate! You just did a subject that not many people do.....and did it well

Thanks! I'm just trying not to overthink hehehe but it's hard when I cherished my project like a baby for literally nine months. It's my brainchild xD


Trial exam was quite sad actually, I reviewed it yesterday and the number of silly mistakes I made was just so annoying;-; I managed to get q4 right but only because I'd seen something very similar before, so dont be too harsh on yourself if you didn't get full marks on that one.

I travel for 3 hours a day and it’s so bad that I’m doing nothing because I have FIVE 3/4 exams coming up! (6 including methods lol). So it’s completely okay if sometimes your too tired to do work. Your in such a good spot right now so a little rest is well deserved, good luck Penelope/dedformed

I commend you on getting so far with such a chaotic year. You'll be fine, I think we're all giving ourselves a tough time and as long as you're getting something done, don't overstress. Sometimes having a mental break can be more productive than just forcing yourself to study. Thanks for coming to my pep talk.

Also, good luck with the exam, I'd love to hear how you went!

[dedformed]

Helloo beans,

I figured that I'm halfway between when my Ei oral ended and my Biology exam so might as well procrastinate by marking my existence here.

Updates:

Biology

CAN YOU BELIEVE I'LL HAVE SAT MY BIOLOGY EXAM TWO WEEKS FROM NOW? *internal yelling to the point my neighbours complain*

I've been slacking off a little bit for biology. Maybe even getting a bit complacent. I think Year 12 is more about consistency than being "smart" - I need to persevere and hold on until the end. I'm obviously sick of doing so many practice exams, but I'm still not getting 100%s, mainly due to silly mistakes.

I'm going to try to manually read out each question and annotate the hell out of some exams and see if I still manage to fail. I think reading the question after answering it is really important. This year I left out so many marks because I forgot to address everything in the question, even easy stuff I knew about. Not going to let that happen again. Can't let it happen again. I can't trust EI with scores, so I need to have Biology in the high 40s. At the current rate, I probably don't even deserve a 45+. All I do is feel miserable about how much I'm not doing.

So yes, I need to get my butt moving. Actually. I'm gonna set small goals for this week and check in a few days from today to see if I've done enough.

- do two practice exams and annotate each question before I answer: "what is this q asking me?" and after I answer "have I answered the question with the right key terms (highlight these)."
- make posters about experimental design and evolution. Condensing my memory of these will be useful, especially the stuff of trends in hominin evolution ; I confuse those a lot.
- Finish 2017 VCAA and 2017 VCAA sample exams in addition to top exams.

Extended Investigation

Obviously, nothing much has happened in the realms of tangible existence regarding EI. We watched a movie in class and I talked to my EI teachers and they were super excited about everything. But in terms of how I'm feeling about it, it's quite ambivalent. Now there's 59 days left till I get my results back and my score will be such a mystery number - I could get anywhere between 30 and 50, and although I'd love the latter I cannot even be sure which of the two I'm closer to due to the nature of assessment.
Sometimes I'm super excited and I believe I'll score in the 40s and this may be a top fours subject. Other times, I'm wondering if I even did enough and if I'm just overestimating my abilities and will land in the 30s. During the year, I definitely was possessed by some productive demons at times but they were exorcised by my innate laziness. I know there's no point in overthinking (and that's how I convince myself to keep pushing through other subjects) but the wait is just too long ;-;
On another note, I really want to gift my EI teachers with something to show them I appreciate the amount of encouragement and feedback I've received. I don't know what to give them. No mugs, stationary or diaries, they probably get tonnes of those. I wanted to paint them something but I'm not sure if I know them well enough. Last year my maths teacher spent half the lesson talking about Van Gogh so I painted him my version of Starry Night and although it looked like it was from a pre-schooler, my old teacher really appreciated it. And even then, I realised someone else had done the same thing because I saw two Van Gogh paintings on his desk saying "to Mr (teacher)" so it's hard to be original, oof.

random anecdote 1

Someone randomly delivered food to my mum's house and she called the company name on the box but they rudely hung up on her. Mum said it was delicious. lol.

random anecdote 2

I got smacked by a magpie. At least it didn't hit my eye.

random anecdote 3

I met one of the other people that journal here IRL! We discovered we go to the same school so I gave them cues about what I look like. AND we met. They were sooooo nice! I was a bit confused - on the screen everyone feels like a bunch of pixels that disappear when I turn my screen off, but putting a tangible face to each username is such a cool experience. I was just staring at them like I'd never seen a human before. It's almost like meeting a book character IRL.

random anecdote 4

We had this biology exam prep class with the whole cohort and they made us do pair activities. I was just paired with this random year 12 idek and he was on his phone the whole time. He said he wasn't even sitting the biology exam on the 13th because he had three exams in one day so he rescheduled his to another day in late November. I told him that couldn't be true, but he was pretty convinced.
I'm feeling bad because I don't think he'll show up to the exam in his misunderstanding. I only know his first name and he didn't even bother asking for mine - so I can't contact him. I just hope he realises his exam date and confirms with a teacher - I think I told him to double check, and that should be my bit, right?

word!

EDIT: I forgot the new word. "cavil" - to make unnecessary objections to stuff. VCAA cavilled at letting students live without stress.

so yeah (that's how I end half my sentences, so yeah).

[The Cat In The Hat]

random anecdote 4

We had this biology exam prep class with the whole cohort and they made us do pair activities. I was just paired with this random year 12 idek and he was on his phone the whole time. He said he wasn't even sitting the biology exam on the 13th because he had three exams in one day so he rescheduled his to another day in late November. I told him that couldn't be true, but he was pretty convinced.
I'm feeling bad because I don't think he'll show up to the exam in his misunderstanding. I only know his first name and he didn't even bother asking for mine - so I can't contact him. I just hope he realises his exam date and confirms with a teacher - I think I told him to double check, and that should be my bit, right?

Memory says that yes, if you have three exams on one day it must be rescheduled/take a derived exam score. Not certain if you can reschedule rather than get a DES, though, since I've not got a problem with that.

[Coolgalbornin03Lo]

Memory says that yes, if you have three exams on one day it must be rescheduled/take a derived exam score. Not certain if you can reschedule rather than get a DES, though, since I've not got a problem with that.

I’m 100% sure they stopped this in like 2008 because people were cheating. I think this person will have to stay with the vcaa people in a room for a rest break if he has a clash and then take the exam.

[dedformed]

Memory says that yes, if you have three exams on one day it must be rescheduled/take a derived exam score. Not certain if you can reschedule rather than get a DES, though, since I've not got a problem with that.

I read the VCAA guidelines. If you have three in a day, you can request for extra time. You are also considered for a DES for your last exam, although if you do sit it anyway they see if it's higher than the DES and reward you the higher score. If you have two exams at the same time you can reschedule somewhere in the same day but you must be supervised between exams. I really don't think it's possible to sit the exam on a different day because then it's unfair because it's a state wide exam and that puts you at an advantage.  Guy was saying his bio exam would happen in late November and he had accounting and bus man on the 13th.

[Coolgalbornin03Lo]

I know for a fact bus man is Monday after (the 16th) and accounting is some other time. The only two exams that day are Further #1 and Bio both of which are at different times because I have friends sitting both.

Mystery solved