Login

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

June 07, 2023, 04:50:25 pm

Author Topic: Jokes thread  (Read 405107 times)  Share 

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Whatlol

  • Victorian
  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 928
  • Respect: +2
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #15 on: July 03, 2010, 03:45:13 pm »
0
failed uni

ninwa

  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 8267
  • Respect: +1021
ExamPro enquiries to [email protected]

Cthulhu

  • Guest
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #17 on: July 03, 2010, 04:18:02 pm »
0
Quote
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?'
'No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.'
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, 'Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!'
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
'No, no, just name anyone else,' Dave says.
'President Bush,' his boss quickly retorts.
'Yup,' Dave says, 'Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington .' And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.'
Well, the boss is much shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
'The Pope,' his boss replies.
'Sure!' says Dave. 'I've known the Pope for years.'
So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says, 'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.'
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican .
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, 'What happened?'
His boss looks up and says, 'It was the final straw - you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f**ks that on the balcony with Dave?'

Quote
An astrophysicist has made an incredible, breakthrough discovery, and it gets press in all the papers and is heralded by his peers as well. Naturally, he embarks on a tour giving lectures at universities around the country.
For the tour, he has a driver to get him smoothly from one pace to the next, and with so much time together, the two become friends. After a couple of months and stops at dozens of locations, the driver says, "You know, you've got an easy gig."
"Is that so?" asks the scientist incredulously.
"Yeah, all you do is go from place to place giving the same talk, and you're making a fortune."
"Well, it's not as easy as it looks, I'll have you know. Do you think you could give a lecture on astrophysics?"
"I've heard your talk two-dozen times, I'm sure I could give it."
So a bet is made for a hundred dollars. The driver will attempt to give the speech. If it goes well, he wins. If it goes poorly, the professor will intervene, explain the bet humorously and triumphantly, and take over with no harm done to his reputation.
At the hotel, they dress in each others clothing, the scientist decked out in the driver's uniform and cap, and the driver wearing a suit and tie and spectacles.
At the hall, the driver does a stunningly good job of delivering the speech, and sitting in the back, the professor is astonished.
As the applause dies down, the driver begins to step down from the podium, but he's stopped by the voice of the host over the microphone saying, "I think we have some extra time. Does anyone have any questions for the professor."
Hands go up all over the auditorium. The driver begins to sweat, and the professor does too--it's gone on too long to reveal the ruse now.
The first questioner asks an impossibly complicated and technical question. Clearly, this person knows what he's talking about.
The professor puts his head in his hands, waiting for things to come unglued.
"Well," begins the driver, "I must say, that is the most idiotic question I have ever heard."
A stunned silence as the other would-be questioners put their hands down.
The man who'd posed the question is clearly unimpressed by this posturing, believing he's exposed a flaw in the theory.
"Really, that's an impossibly simplistic question, and I'm shocked that you felt like that was worth my time and the time of this audience."
He went on, "In fact, to show you just how stupid your question is, I'm going to let my driver in the back of the auditorium answer it for you."

Quote
A Father and his son are hiking in the grand canyon. The go around some bends, over some hills, and through some nooks. They round the bend and see a native american sitting on a rock.
The father points to the native american and says, "son, native americans have the best memory of any peoples in the world"
The young son thinks he's quite the smart one and goes up to the native american and says, "What did you have for breakfast last tuesday."
Without hesitation the Native American responds, "eggs." The son is impressed and goes on with the hike with his father.
30 years later the son is now a grown man, and is hiking the same trail with his own son. He goes around the same bends, over the same hills, and lo and behold, rounds the corner and there is that same native american on the same rock.
He's an older wiser man now, and will really test this native american. He walks up, raises his hand in greeting and says "HOW"
Native American responds, "Scrambled."

TrueLight

  • Victorian
  • ATAR Notes Superstar
  • ******
  • Posts: 2759
  • Respect: +9
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #18 on: July 03, 2010, 04:36:25 pm »
0
haha those were very good ninwa
http://www.campaignforliberty.com

Completed Bachelor of Science. Majored in Immunology and Microbiology.

ďWho controls the past, controls the future. Who controls the present, controls the past.Ē
George Orwell, 1984.

"Terrorism is the best political weapon for nothing drives people harder than a fear of sudden death."
Adolf Hitler

ďThe bigger the lie, the more inclined people will be to believe itĒ
Adolf Hitler

"Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just

Whatlol

  • Victorian
  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 928
  • Respect: +2
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #19 on: July 03, 2010, 04:37:46 pm »
0
I liked the one about dave. very good
failed uni

lynt.br

  • Victorian
  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 652
  • Respect: +50
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #20 on: July 03, 2010, 04:45:36 pm »
0
So you think you had a hard childhood? Well f*** you, its got nothing on mine. My mom practically kicked my ass out of the house before I even hit 13, and I never even met my dad. My only friend till I was 10 was this asshole pr*ck next store who was always beating the crap out of me and telling me I wasnít worth anything. Its not even like I had a choice, the town had something like 9 people living in it, I kid you not. My entire adolescence was just moving around from place trying to get along with people who didnít even want me. You think thatís the worst? My only friend was an Asian guy in his thirties or something, who only kept me around because he thought I could help him get laid. The only perk was that I also got to hang around with this cute ginger chick, she was flat as a pancake sure, but damn she was a total nymph. She must have been a sadist or something cause she always took pleasure in hitting me and telling me how she loved to get wet. But dear god the bane of my existence was this adult couple that I could NOT seem to avoid. You know these types of couples that are absolutely sickening, like they wear matching outfits and finish each otherís sentences? Yeah they were complete creepers, and they had a cat, which was at least twice as annoying as they were, I swear this thing would never shut the hell up. Like I said I ended up moving from town to town getting into fights with other kids my age, even adults from time to time. The only thing that kept me going was my dream to become a pokemon master.

Cthulhu

  • Guest
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #21 on: July 03, 2010, 04:50:43 pm »
0

Spreadbury

  • Victorian
  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 787
  • Respect: +12
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #22 on: July 03, 2010, 05:36:04 pm »
0
So you think you had a hard childhood? Well f*** you, its got nothing on mine. My mom practically kicked my ass out of the house before I even hit 13, and I never even met my dad. My only friend till I was 10 was this asshole pr*ck next store who was always beating the crap out of me and telling me I wasnít worth anything. Its not even like I had a choice, the town had something like 9 people living in it, I kid you not. My entire adolescence was just moving around from place trying to get along with people who didnít even want me. You think thatís the worst? My only friend was an Asian guy in his thirties or something, who only kept me around because he thought I could help him get laid. The only perk was that I also got to hang around with this cute ginger chick, she was flat as a pancake sure, but damn she was a total nymph. She must have been a sadist or something cause she always took pleasure in hitting me and telling me how she loved to get wet. But dear god the bane of my existence was this adult couple that I could NOT seem to avoid. You know these types of couples that are absolutely sickening, like they wear matching outfits and finish each otherís sentences? Yeah they were complete creepers, and they had a cat, which was at least twice as annoying as they were, I swear this thing would never shut the hell up. Like I said I ended up moving from town to town getting into fights with other kids my age, even adults from time to time. The only thing that kept me going was my dream to become a pokemon master.


I didn't actually get that until I read the post after it by Cthulhu. funny now though :D
Bachelor of Laws, Deakin

QuantumJG

  • Victorian
  • Part of the furniture
  • *****
  • Posts: 1748
  • Applied Mathematics Student at UoM
  • Respect: +82
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #23 on: July 03, 2010, 06:08:01 pm »
0
Those jokes are gold!
2008: Finished VCE

2009 - 2011: Bachelor of Science (Mathematical Physics)

2012 - 2014: Master of Science (Applied Mathematics/Mathematical Physics)

2016 - 2018: Master of Engineering (Civil)

Semester 1:[/b] Engineering Mechanics, Fluid Mechanics, Engineering Risk Analysis, Sustainable Infrastructure Engineering

Semester 2:[/b] Earth Processes for Engineering, Engineering Materials, Structural Theory and Design, Systems Modelling and Design

samuch

  • Victorian
  • Part of the furniture
  • *****
  • Posts: 1020
  • Respect: +6
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #24 on: July 03, 2010, 10:06:39 pm »
+1
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
 
1st woman:    Hi! Wanda.
 
2nd woman:   Hi! Sylvia.  How'd you die?
 
1st woman:    I froze to death.
 
2nd woman:   How horrible!
 
1st woman:    It wasn't so bad. After I quit  shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death...What about you?
 
2nd woman:   I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
 
1st woman:    So, what happened?
 
2nd woman:   I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
 
1st woman:   Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
2008: KLD young scholar
VCE 2009: Psychology
VCE 2010: Methods (CAS), Specialist Maths, Chemistry, Physics and Literature

2011: Bachelor of commerce/science at monash

samuch

  • Victorian
  • Part of the furniture
  • *****
  • Posts: 1020
  • Respect: +6
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #25 on: July 03, 2010, 10:23:50 pm »
+1
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.



As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."



The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"



"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.



"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."



The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.



He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever..



As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his  hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.  The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.



A few minutes later he returned with a cat.



The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.  The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room...



The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."



The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.  The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"



The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry.  If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20.  But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

2008: KLD young scholar
VCE 2009: Psychology
VCE 2010: Methods (CAS), Specialist Maths, Chemistry, Physics and Literature

2011: Bachelor of commerce/science at monash

TrueTears

  • TT
  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 16363
  • Respect: +667
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #26 on: July 03, 2010, 10:29:21 pm »
0
^^^
ROFLMAO
PhD @ MIT (Economics).

Interested in asset pricing, econometrics, and social choice theory.

samuch

  • Victorian
  • Part of the furniture
  • *****
  • Posts: 1020
  • Respect: +6
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #27 on: July 03, 2010, 10:30:08 pm »
+1
KevinRudd goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away.

The undertaker tells the Australian Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just £100.'

The Australian Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Kevin shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Emissions Trading and get a face job for Julia or help the elderly'.

The Australian Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
We just can't take the risk.'


_______________________________________________________________________________________________________




A  driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway.  Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on  the window. The driver rolls down his window and
asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped  Kevin Rudd, Wayne Swan, Anna Bligh and Julia Gillard. They're  asking for a $310 million ransom.
Otherwise they're going to  douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car,  taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much  is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a  litre."
« Last Edit: July 03, 2010, 10:31:53 pm by samuch »
2008: KLD young scholar
VCE 2009: Psychology
VCE 2010: Methods (CAS), Specialist Maths, Chemistry, Physics and Literature

2011: Bachelor of commerce/science at monash

samuch

  • Victorian
  • Part of the furniture
  • *****
  • Posts: 1020
  • Respect: +6
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #28 on: July 03, 2010, 10:35:51 pm »
+2
....Bottle of Wine....

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident
on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished, but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in
mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling
about women
drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our
cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should be
friends and live in peace for the rest of our
days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely,
this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women
shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's
another miracle. My car is completely demolished
but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our
good fortune.  She hands the bottle to the
man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and
drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to
the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and
hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for
the police...'
2008: KLD young scholar
VCE 2009: Psychology
VCE 2010: Methods (CAS), Specialist Maths, Chemistry, Physics and Literature

2011: Bachelor of commerce/science at monash

physics

  • Victorian
  • ATAR Notes Superstar
  • ******
  • Posts: 2397
  • Its anna :D
  • Respect: +65
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #29 on: July 03, 2010, 10:38:40 pm »
0
There was a guy and a girl in the car.
The girl was like drive faster and i'll  take off my shirt.
The guy really wanted to see her shirtless so he drove faster.
At 70km/h the shirt came off. At 80km/h the pants went off.a dn etc
Then they crashed.
the girl was naked and the guy was stuck and needed help.
They guy said " climb out and get help for me"
girl says " i'm naked"
the guy passes him his shoes and told her to put in\t between her legs.
she did and ran onto the highway and waved for help.
A truckie stopped and siad what is the matter.
the girl said "my boyfriend is stuck help him out"
The truckie said" If his hat far up his a goner"
HELP ME GRADUATE!
If you know anyone pregnant let me know :)

My youtube channel:
http://www.youtube.com/Fairytailslilangel