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stonecold

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #30 on: July 03, 2010, 10:41:36 pm »
+2


one of my all time favourites... :P
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samuch

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #31 on: July 03, 2010, 10:42:15 pm »
+1
An elderly man in North Queensland  had owned a large farm for several years.  

He had a large billabong in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach  trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket  to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.  

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.  
 
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'  

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the crocodiles...'

Some old men can still think fast.
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ninwa

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #32 on: July 04, 2010, 12:33:21 pm »
+2
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

(can't believed I lol'd at that -_-)


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN - A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
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ninwa

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #33 on: July 04, 2010, 12:36:29 pm »
+1
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:                                             

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.     

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.       

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.     

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
                                                         
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.           

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.   
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ninwa

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #34 on: July 04, 2010, 12:43:55 pm »
+1
Lookalikes






In fact, speaking of George Bush looks like a gorilla chimpanzee...(my bad, I don't know the difference :P)

« Last Edit: July 04, 2010, 12:46:17 pm by ninwa »
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Kennybhoy

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #35 on: July 04, 2010, 12:47:16 pm »
+3
Women's rights.

Amidoinitrite?
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ninwa

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #36 on: July 04, 2010, 12:48:43 pm »
+1
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ninwa

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #37 on: July 04, 2010, 12:51:28 pm »
0
disclaimer: I do not condone the derogatory use of "homo" to describe homosexuals

Quote
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, Dad,what is  the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Hell! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ..

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.
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ninwa

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #38 on: July 04, 2010, 12:56:14 pm »
+1
when name calling isn't swearing... http://www.michelleheinze.com/name_calling.htm



If condoms had sponsors...







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Kennybhoy

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #39 on: July 04, 2010, 01:05:00 pm »
-1
WARNING: The following jokes are TASTELESS. Don't scroll down unless you're willing to read this. If you don't want to read this then close your eyes and scroll down and i'll include a picture of a bunny to look at.
(or click here: http://vcenotes.com/forum/index.php/topic,27262.msg280170.html#msg280170)





































What's the best thing about f%#^ing twenty six year olds?
There's twenty of them.

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

What's the best way to pick of Haitian chicks?
With a shovel.

I went to a Haitian club on the weekend. Everyone was trying to bring the house down.

A Haitian walked into a bar. The bar collapses.

Heard about the new Haitian boy band?
New Block on the Kids.

I heard about an Earthquake in Haiti...damage is estimated to be of tens of dollars.

I dumped my Haitian girlfriend. She's been crushed ever since.

What's the difference between a priest and acne?
Acne doesn't come in your face until you're 13.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

Did you hear about Princess Diana on the radio?
She was also on the dashboard, mirrors and bonnet.

I guess Princess Di really lived up to her name.

What does Princess Diana turn into at midnight?
The wall.

What was the last thing going through Princess Diana's head?
The windscreen.

+Various assortment of racist jokes that everyone has heard 486541653453 times.











« Last Edit: July 04, 2010, 01:25:09 pm by Kennybhoy »
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ninwa

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #40 on: July 04, 2010, 01:19:08 pm »
+2
Economics explained with cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.
 
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
 
FASCISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
 
NAZISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
 
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
 
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.  Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
 
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
 
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.  Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
 
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
 
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.  You then create a clever cow cartoon image called "Cowkimon" and market it worldwide.
 
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
 
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
 
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
 
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
 
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
 
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
 
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the fuck out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy.
 
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
 
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive...
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slothpomba

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #41 on: July 05, 2010, 03:22:44 am »
0
"President Bush says we need more time to determine if what (North Korea) detonated was a nuclear device. Well sure, that makes sense, because Bush doesn't want to rush to judgment when it comes to weapons of mass destruction." --David Letterman


"North Korea is making several demands in exchange for giving up their nuclear program, including a promise from America not to attack them. Which is a little strange because for us to attack them we would have to have slam dunk proof that they have weapons of mass destruction. I mean, for Gods sakes people, we're not maniacs. It would have to be an air-tight case. We wouldn't just come in there and start bombing you." --Jon Stewart

Long list of political cow jokes, like ninwas - http://www.thecapitol.net/Recommended/twocows.htm

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ninwa

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #42 on: July 05, 2010, 11:37:41 am »
0
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Bohr

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #43 on: July 08, 2010, 11:03:34 pm »
0
Sorry Bill, I'd rather kiss my new boss kthxbye

(Image removed from quote.)

LOL ouch

ninwa

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #44 on: July 19, 2010, 08:26:26 pm »
0
The best troll ever: http://www.dontevenreply.com/all.php

Read and learn, prospective VN trolls.
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