Ok, so ive done a bit of work on this. I have changed my related text to Severn Suzuki. Hope you can provide some feedback!
Hey Chris!! I sure can! Essay is attached with comments throughout
Spoiler
Voice in texts is one of the main ways that composers connect with their audiences to not only recount experience but to provide a unique perspective. Three texts that communicate distinctive voices and offer a perspective through personal experience is Aung San Suu Kyi’s Nobel Lecture, Indira Gandhi’ 'The True Liberation of Women’ and Julia Roberts ‘Nature is speaking.’ All three composers use a very feminist voice to get across their message. Good introduction!! I'd like to see you up the sophistication a bit with some more clever word choice, and further, remove phrases like "a very feminist voice." "A very" isn't sophisticated language, and it's a little off grammatically as well, try and work on the expression. Finally, I'd like to see an integration of some common themes that link these three texts, but I'd wager this will come through as you explore the feminist voice aspect.
The distinctive voice of Aung San Suu Kyi, engages with the audience and creates a sense of empathy and interest through exploring her experiences and feelings. Try and be a bit more specific here. What messages is she trying to convey? Talking about her "experiences and feelings" is vague, try and come up with specific themes and morals she is seeking to communicate. The kairos of her speech is such that it engages with the audience in a deep and emotional level. Is 'kairos' a literary term? The audience know that it is not the first time this award has been presented to her as her sons received it before her in 1991, while she was under house arrest. This causes special warmth and gratitude from the audience towards her, that she physically could not come to receive such a prestigious award. Good link to context, however, be more succinct. This could be compressed into one sentence, try and focus on punchy sentences with effective word choice. This kairos is supplemented by the use of the anecdote in “Desert Island Discs”, this anecdote raises the Buddhist theme of Karma and coincidence and the way the fate of an individual can play out. Aung San Suu Kyi herself is buddhist and there are several references to her religion throughout her speech. The plosive repetitive ‘p’ sound in the line “pleasant prospect, but quite improbable!” transmits her Buddhist values of karma. In the quote she is speaking of an improbable situation in the past which has now come true in the present because of her good actions throughout time. You don't need to recount the speeches specifics in this way: Your focus is on analysis and (depending on the question) evaluation. Assume the reader has read the speech and knows about its context. Being under house arrest and displaying her strong Buddhist values throughout this speech contribute greatly to how the audience portray her. As Richard Greene discusses in his TED talk ‘The 7 secrets of the greatest speakers in history’ it is only 7% of the speaker’s voice that actually
Link to TED talk
Similarly, the unique voice of Severn Cullis-Suzuki in her speech allows the audience to engage with her feelings and connect with her very youthful perspective on the world. Take out the "with her feelings and connect with" part of your sentence here, and I'm on board. Also, this isn't the composer you mention in the intro? By employing high modality, Suzuki is able to make her voice distinctive. An example of this youthful perspective can be seen in the quote, “To tell you adults you must change your ways.” The words “To tell you adults” clearly establishes that it is the younger generation talking to the older generation, and it is through the high modality of “You must” that a real call to action is put forth to the people in power. You've just spent 3 sentences discussing what could be discussed in one sentence. Again, focus on punchy word choice and sentences if you can. This youthful voice that Suzuki uses is further exemplified by clever persuasive Appeals. Suzuki appeals to the audience's’ pathos, ethos and logos by drifting between inclusive language and personal pronouns. The quotes “I am here to speak on behalf of the starving children around the world whose cries go unheard,”and “All this is happening before our eyes and yet we act as if we have all the time we want and all the solutions,” and “I'm only a child and I don't have all the solutions, but I want you to realize, neither do you!” show how Suzuki is drifting from using ‘I am’ to the words ‘We want,’ by using these powerful personal pronouns and inclusive language, allows the readers to connect with her on an emotional level. She also shows facts which helps prove her point. Through the whole speech this young girl talks about the right and the wrong things she sees in humanity, and how adults emphasize us to do the right thing in life when they don't act on their own words and how she sees it unfair.
Link to TED talk
Your textual reference and link to impact on the audience is really effective Chris! Many students have difficulty getting the impact on the audience into their response, and you've done it quite well, so excellent job there! You have a variety of textual references and links to personal context (for Suu Kyi), which is excellent, and structurally your response (thus far) is effective as well. Great stuff!
I would suggest two primary avenues for improvement at the moment. First, word choices and expression. You need to try and up the level of sophistication in your language, and part of this will come from being more succinct.
Let me give you an example. Consider this passage:
By employing high modality, Suzuki is able to make her voice distinctive. An example of this youthful perspective can be seen in the quote, “To tell you adults you must change your ways.” The words “To tell you adults” clearly establishes that it is the younger generation talking to the older generation, and it is through the high modality of “You must” that a real call to action is put forth to the people in power. I can replace that with this without altering meaning, in fact, actually adding a little bit:
Suzuki's use of high modality language in addressing her much older audience is impressive to the responder, effectively enforcing her call to action “To tell you adults you must change your ways."Little changes to word choice and sentence structure can massively reduce the amount of time you spend communicating an idea (big plus), increase sophistication, and give your ideas greater clarity. Practice makes perfect here, so keep working on that
Secondly, a greater conceptual focus. Essentially what you are doing at the moment is discussing the effectiveness of the speakers in a quite generic way. I'd like to see you focus on how well they address specific themes (as you sort of touch on in your second paragraph). For example, for paragraph one, you could focus on how Suu Kyi draws on her personal religious context in order to create a distinctive voice through realistic personal character development. Something like that to give your ideas more focus. Without this, it feels a little 'unclear' what you are trying to convey.
On the whole, you do things really well in this essay, I'd love to see you tidy the expression a bit and develop your concepts, and you'll have the start of a really good essay!
great work Chris!
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