Constantly asking other students for help

[Apink!]

Hello,

What do I do when other students constantly ask questions to me?
I've politely asked them to ask the teacher, I've tried everything. Some people actively won't leave me alone, asking me their questions in my class time (and I can't get my work done) at lunch time (I can't eat my lunch). They ask me with an air of expectation, and give nothing in return. Any advice?

[lazydreamer]

you're probs a top student and they all just wanna be like you
- In class you can tell them to wait until you finish your work, and at lunchtime you could either seclude yourself or eat and help at the same time?
- By helping them and asking for nothing in return, they develop respect and a better impression of you.
- You could just say 'I don't know' to every question

P.S  is that kyungsoo? lol

[Apink!]

Yes, it's kyungsoo

You said that by helping them, I get to develop a good impression but I think it's going in the opposite way.
There is this guy, who I've been friends with for a year. He wants to do a really competitive course and wants me to help him. Of course, I try my best to help this guy out. I sacrifice my lunch times to help him, and after school sometimes. I give him all my resources so that he has a better chance. But when I ask for something I see might help me, he refuses to give them to me and turns really competitive against me. Even if I try my best to help him, sometimes I cannot (when I have a huge SAC or I'm in the middle of doing an exam) then he and his friend (yep, another person bothers me now)  would imply that I'm selfish by saying stuff like: "if I knew this, and I knew my friend is struggling, I would help"And that makes me feel guilty and it makes me upset because even though I devoted so much time for this person, instead of appreciating it he ends up being really bitter and disappointed when I cannot help him.

And even though I try to sit away or avoid him, he will always come along and somehow find me. He will always look at what I'm doing and take close notice and tries to do everything the same. He always talks negatively about VCE, how it's all a competition and you can't trust ANYONE. Even though I help him, he is really competitive against me and tries to always take my ideas from English essays and stuff.

You also suggested that I say " I don't know"to every question, and that seems like a great idea, but he says stuff like:
"what? How can you not know this stuff?" Like I was really stupid and dumb and he can't believe it. I don't know he is causing a lot of stress for me because he simply won't leave me alone. If I refuse to help or tell him I'm busy, he will frame me as a selfish, over-competitive person who won't even help a friend out. If I let him ask questions, he will abuse this power and follow me around until I get no work done and feel like crying (because I'll have to make up for that time by cutting my "fun time" or cutting down on sleep). I don't know what to do with him. Lazydreamer, your advice is really perfect, but I can't say it would work on this guy. 

And the bad thing is, because he asks me so many questions, other people start to believe that they can too, and more people have started to bother me. 

I go to a bad school and I feel really sad that I couldn't go to elite selective schools or private schools because then no one will bother me (cause everyone is so smart there!) I feel like people try to take advantage of me without giving anything back. Not even being nice or politely asking for help. They refuse to give me things that might help me as well. They expect help like I have an obligation to help them, so it doesn't give me a good impression at all- I'm just doing something I'm expected to do.

Teachers imply also, that I help people who struggle. It's really difficult for me

[geminii]

Yes, it's kyungsoo

You said that by helping them, I get to develop a good impression but I think it's going in the opposite way.
There is this guy, who I've been friends with for a year. He wants to do a really competitive course and wants me to help him. Of course, I try my best to help this guy out. I sacrifice my lunch times to help him, and after school sometimes. I give him all my resources so that he has a better chance. But when I ask for something I see might help me, he refuses to give them to me and turns really competitive against me. Even if I try my best to help him, sometimes I cannot (when I have a huge SAC or I'm in the middle of doing an exam) then he and his friend (yep, another person bothers me now)  would imply that I'm selfish by saying stuff like: "if I knew this, and I knew my friend is struggling, I would help"And that makes me feel guilty and it makes me upset because even though I devoted so much time for this person, instead of appreciating it he ends up being really bitter and disappointed when I cannot help him.

And even though I try to sit away or avoid him, he will always come along and somehow find me. He will always look at what I'm doing and take close notice and tries to do everything the same. He always talks negatively about VCE, how it's all a competition and you can't trust ANYONE. Even though I help him, he is really competitive against me and tries to always take my ideas from English essays and stuff.

You also suggested that I say " I don't know"to every question, and that seems like a great idea, but he says stuff like:
"what? How can you not know this stuff?" Like I was really stupid and dumb and he can't believe it. I don't know he is causing a lot of stress for me because he simply won't leave me alone. If I refuse to help or tell him I'm busy, he will frame me as a selfish, over-competitive person who won't even help a friend out. If I let him ask questions, he will abuse this power and follow me around until I get no work done and feel like crying (because I'll have to make up for that time by cutting my "fun time" or cutting down on sleep). I don't know what to do with him. Lazydreamer, your advice is really perfect, but I can't say it would work on this guy. 

And the bad thing is, because he asks me so many questions, other people start to believe that they can too, and more people have started to bother me. 

I go to a bad school and I feel really sad that I couldn't go to elite selective schools or private schools because then no one will bother me (cause everyone is so smart there!) I feel like people try to take advantage of me without giving anything back. Not even being nice or politely asking for help. They refuse to give me things that might help me as well. They expect help like I have an obligation to help them, so it doesn't give me a good impression at all- I'm just doing something I'm expected to do.

Teachers imply also, that I help people who struggle. It's really difficult for me

Hey Apink!

I have a 'friend' exactly like the one you describe.

Let me tell you what happened.
I was in class one time and this person asked for my notes, because apparently 'the teacher said [they] could have them'. I have other notes I make myself and don't want the person to see them - and they ask to share my books with them and notes like almost all the time.
And that was when I did the best thing I had ever done - I stood up for myself, and I said 'NO. These are MY notes.'
Haha, they did NOT expect that. Then this person started being racist towards me to try to get my attention, but I kept doing my work.
Unfortunately there are people like this in the world, they will use you until they get what they want and give you nothing in return. Keep in mind that this person always asked me 'can I take a look at your notes? I think I missed something' or 'can we share your book? I forgot mine today' and stuff like that. One time I gave this person my book, turned around, and they had started taking photos of my work with their phone!

They have not asked for notes ever since. Remember that you can always say 'no' if you don't want to do something. I wish I had known this sooner!

Best of luck.

[anna.xo]

I completely agree with the above post. If it's bothering you this much, why don't you just say no ? It's honestly really not that hard. But you may lose that friend (which doesn't really sound like a huge loss) and have rumors and things spread about you.

Honestly, most people I know wouldn't turn something so small into something this big. Be mature about it. Just help the person if you can and if you can't, just say sorry I don't have time right now, maybe later. People usually understand.

[spectroscopy]

he and his friend would imply that I'm selfish by saying stuff like: "if I knew this, and I knew my friend is struggling, I would help"

but you also said that he doesnt help you and is competitive towards you LOL so when he pulls that on  you just be like "but how come when i asked you that question the other day you wouldn't help me? lol "
or you can pull out the absolutely savage comeback "but we aren't friends...?" (bc this guy doesnt sound like a friend or at least a good friend by this post)

helping people for free and being unappreciated is a fickle game LOL you said it upsets you and if thats the case then you just have to stop helping him or charge him or something.

You also suggested that I say " I don't know"to every question, and that seems like a great idea, but he says stuff like:
"what? How can you not know this stuff?" Like I was really stupid and dumb and he can't believe it.

then you say to him: "i know right haha i guess we're both screwed gg" or "but you don't know it either....?" or if youre feeling savage "yeah well if its so easy how about you show me since i show you everything else" and then if he does anything competitive or unhelpful, bust out the good old "ok but dont ask me for any questions ever again ill remember this"  (and then never help him again, citing this exchange as the reason, no matter what insults he hurls at you)


when you help out people (particularly poorly achieveing students at a bad school) there are two main ways it goes. they either a) dont seem to like you and just abuse it and dont care about you and guilt you into stuff (like this dude) or b) think ur a legend and say "FUAARK 99.95 INCOMING" when you walk in the room.
you are unlucky you have been stuck with type a)

I feel really sad that I couldn't go to elite selective schools or private schools because then no one will bother me (cause everyone is so smart there!)

people at select entry schools in my experience still ask their peers questions, just they offer advice in return when they are asked, and they stop pestering their peers when theyre told "im sorry but fuck off i have to study"

[Aaron]

Exactly, if you don't want to help them, say 'I don't know' or 'no'. You could always refer them to an online resource or a specific section in a book that would help them solve the problem as well. Whenever someone tries to leech answers off me, I try to make them do it themselves first by looking at the particular section. Just giving another person answers will make them come back to you more and more often.

However, in saying that, I believe that helping others is a good way to further refine your knowledge of a particular topic. I don't think I would've been able to get some of my really good scores if I didn't take the time to explain a programming concept (for example) to another student in need. Plus, if they do really well, you feel great inside that you've helped contribute to that. If you are able to explain a concept or topic to someone else, then that really does demonstrate your understanding of it!

I do understand the negative side of it as well though - especially when you help someone and then they end up getting higher than you on a test or assignment (has happened to me plenty of times, and you sometimes wonder if it was really worth it).

[lazydreamer]

Wow your second post really puts everything into context, haha tbh you came off as selfish first off, sorry 
but srsly that guy needs to get a life

i want to ask if you have other friends (who is not like the nitwit you described) who are willing to back you up against this 'friend' whenever he tries to leech off you/ spreads rumors about you when he fails to get your help?

or a loud 'F*CK OFF!' could suffice.

if you're not up for that, tell them you had 3hrs of sleep last night because of an annoying mozzie that kept on bothering you that was called [your friend's name here], so your mum ended up having to slap it, to death . the last part is important for it to work, ok?

i understand saying 'no' could irritate the problem, so i think the 'i don't know' solution would work better over time. I mean, at this stage, who cares what they say about you being selfish etc? They can't talk. And if he does act like ' wow you're dumb, how do you not know this' or watevs, just say " says the one who's asking me how to do it", or if you like to be subtle, " yea sorry, you should ask the teacher, they are waaaaay smarter than me"

I'm imagining him as some big bully who you can't talk shit about to their face, is that accurate? i really feel for you it's ok, EXO has gone ahead and made you a song: 'Baby don't cry' lol

best of luck!! hopefully the ppl above helped you out too

[elysepopplewell]

At the end of the day, you need to do what is best for YOU! I'm the type of person who feels really guilty if I don't help someone out when I have the opportunity. During your final years at High School, you need to take care of yourself in the end and be completely unapologetic internally. My main competitor did all of the math/science subjects and I did the HSIE/creative subjects. If you put our brains together, we'd be unstoppable! He would ask me regularly to read his essays for him and edit them (he did a different English course to me). He would be super polite - but that only made it harder to say no! After I accidentally left him hanging too long and he had to ask again if I had the chance to read his essay yet, I realised that I had to say no and apologise for not giving him priority. Because, in the stress of it all, you have to put yourself and your studies before anyone else. It isn't an easy thing to accept if you're a person like me. You need to find a balance of being able to be helpful and then retreating into yourself and your studies. Occasionally you may have to be stern and request that people respect your decision to focus on yourself. At the end of the day, when you put your head to your pillow, you don't want to be wishing that you had actually eaten your lunch rather than helping a friend study, you don't want to wish you had completed your essay instead of editing someone else's work. I realise I haven't given you a lot of advice on how to handle it completely. But, hopefully I have given you the confirmation you need to prioritise yourself, unreservedly.

Put yourself first

[thushan]

Don't take his bullshit.

You are well within your rights to say "I am busy and tired, and I do not like the way you treat me. You use me, and you are rude to me. You also sound very entitled. I am helpful, but I also respect myself. Go away and do not bother me again. I know you are probably going to talk shit about me behind my back, but even if you do, you can't hurt me."

It's admirable that you went out of your way to help this guy. However, do not let others take advantage of your helpful nature - you are allowed to prioritise yourself first. Decent people will understand that you also need to look after yourself and will give you space if you need it.

For those who don't, you can tell them where to go and what to do.

[Apink!]

Thank you everyone for your insightful and helpful advice
I realize now that I should look after myself first! I've expressed how I was feeling to him before (How he is a bit too clingy) but I think I should be more firm from now on. Thank you so much guys! I felt really down on the weekend (I've talked to my friends about it, but they didn't seem to understand me lol) , but seeing how much people relate to me makes me feel better!

Thanks!
p.s. Spectroscopy, your advice is so savage but I likey

[conic curve]

I think it is great that people are asking you for help because (believe it or not) when you are helping them, you are helping yourself benefit from this