Spoiler
Frankly, I never perceived myself as the type to enjoy a rainy day. It was only on this occasion, as I stood drenched in my school uniform, that I developed this peculiar likeness. As I closed my eyes, I became more attuned to the world around me than ever before. The rhythmic pitter-patter of raindrops orchestrated the melody to my favourite song. Cold, shaky hands blindly navigated my torso, before reaching the metallic texture of my school badge. I no longer required sight to read the motto which had been etched onto it. I like where you're going, but I think it is a little over-written, at least for the beginning. At the moment I see this as forcing me to understand the scenery, instead of inviting me into the piece. The cold, shaky hands that navigated to the metallic texture, is a bit much. I think we could take out some of these adjectives to leave the essence of the imagery there. Maybe say the hands were as cold as the metal badge, to draw likeness between them both.
Hanc maximam sententiam non docuit in schola
Side Note: ridiculously proud of myself for working out what this meant with some limited Italian language and English skills.
Despite a tedious five years of schooling, it was only after the events of today that I truly understood what this meant. As I opened my eyes, I noticed a familiar face waving in the distance. While I returned the friendly gesture, I reflected upon the past few hours of my life, and how my experience would forever change my perception of him.
***
The other day, we learnt about a peculiar phenomena experienced by gallant soldiers of the Great War; the thousand mile stare, which describes the unfocused gaze of a man lost in deep thought. Although my confidence today could never compare to that of a war hero, I found mutuality in our ability to engage in fervent introspection. Though my personal thoughts might not be as important, I sat on the tremulous bus seat, pondering…
What made me volunteer for this? This bit seems a bit cliche...the pondering, then the question. It is a very obvious way of showing doubts and reflection and doesn't give a lot of creative thought to the conjunction.
I’m not running for school captaincy, nor am I trying to prep some elaborate early entry application - because we all know, that’s the only reason why people apply for Night Patrol. So then, what was it? What was it that sparked this touch of curiosity; this thirst for adventure that could only be sated by voyaging into the unknown? Whatever the case may be, the idea of social work brought a sense of complacency that I had long forgotten since my childhood years. If you're going to be asking these internal questions, like "why did I do this?" I'd be writing it like a letter or diary entry. it's clear you seem to know the answer, or at least what the answer isn't (school captaincy), so the voice is a bit unbelievable in the narrative form because of the extra knowledge we have from his or her mind, but at the same time the protagonist doesn't know themself - it's an awkward thing for the reader to reconcile.
Glancing outside the hazy window, I noted the extravagant assembly of high-rise structures, illuminated by gorgeous shades of amber. It was like Albert Speer himself designed the awe-inspiring city of Sydney. Though if that were the case, these monuments would be built by the hands of exhausted, underpaid labourers. oooh Albert Speer
Ever so suddenly, an immediate brake brought us to a screeching halt, lunging me forward. The picturesque landscape that I indulged just moments ago had been replaced with a bleak, colourless courtyard. Groups of men, women and children lined up in their ragged, disheveled clothes, swarming the lone food van. The sight was shocking - horrifying, to say the least.
Article 25 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights states that “Everyone has the right to an adequate standard of living”. Or at least, that’s what I’ve been taught to believe. It seems as though the Australia that I know has revealed itself to be ruled by an apathetic Government, riddled with empty promises.
In the corner of my eye, I watched as a scrawny, seventeen year old boy received a bundle of supplies, before meeting his mother in their teetering, makeshift home. His innocent blue eyes came into contact with my own. Eyeing me, he surveyed my navy, freshly dry cleaned uniform before shying away. It was only then that I realised the inherent necessity to appreciate the gifts of life.
Behind the boy was a beautiful black wall which encompassed the entire courtyard. It was decorated with an extravagant array of colour - full of pictures, names and meaningful quotations. A sudden urge provoked me, urging my body to gravitate towards the wall. Within arms reach now, I explored my colour options, before deciding on a bright shade of yellow. Chalk in one hand, and my school badge in the other, I began to translate the Latin text that had puzzled me for so long…
The greatest lesson cannot be taught in school
I like the essence of the story and the direction you are going in with the lessons taught outside of school. I think what needs to change is your medium, or structure. Perhaps turn this into a speech - it has a lot of the main features of a speech already, the rhetorical questions, the phrase as a motif, and the recounting style. This gives your story new purpose and life, as you're sharing a discovery, in order to help other people discover a similar thing. This is similar to how my own creative went from a story to a speech so smoothly and the discovery became much stronger, because I could be more explicit in sharing a discovery, in order to help others discover. It might seem daunting, but small changes throughout the entire thing wouldn't be too difficult to turn it into a speech.
It is a daunting thing, I know, but I think this might be an avenue to go down that won't actually ruin you to edit in a day. The story will very largely be the same, but it gives greater justification to your recounting, which is currently a big part of the story!
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Topic: AOS: Creative (Mod if possible!) (Read 1735 times)