CREATIVE FEEDBACK NEEDED DESPERATELY

[skye1593]

Very last minute, I'm aware, but I am really stuck on editing these 2 kind of average pieces of creative writing.
The first I was told had a genuine voice but didn't really encompass discovery (I was wondering if anyone had any plot suggestions since it is only 700 words so far so there is room to add).
The second was a piece I ended up using for trials and got an 11/15 for. I understand I need to remove some direct speech and fix some of the description but once again I am just really stuck.

[paigek3]

You have wrote the first one so beautifully! But I agree regarding the feedback you have already received about it. However, I am a bit stuck at what to suggest to add to the plot hmm. My mind instantly thought about a confronting discovery so incorporate that somehow, possibly through the narrator not initially being afraid but then once she gets up to the top of the rock, then she could state the line about "well maybe I am afraid of falling". Because although the discovery was confronting against her original perception, she overcame this barrier to jump still and lead to new ideas of her own inner strength? Could also include the feelings on the car ride or walk to the rock a bit more. Sorry this is a bit dodgy, it was the only thing I could think of, otherwise if you wanna remain with your original plot just write bigger 

For the second, I actually think you have used speech quite well, like it doesn't stick out as excessive to me but I can understand possibly from an English teacher's point of view it could. Maybe take out some of the speech with the old man and instead say "He told me that..." just to it doesn't seem as much. I think this would be particularly effective when the character finds out about his story about his wife. This will simultaneously add to the description of the discovery as it makes the narrator voice more genuine so it is a win-win! The last bit after she returns home doesn't show the impact of discovery too clearly in my opinion, so here is another opportunity to work on developing the description. Careful of writing too much as you may want to spend more time on your essay (that is what I did last year), however, it is up to you for your time management - but just a thought!

Good luck with everything