AOS: Creative feedback please

[Potatohater]

Ok so, I don't have one set creative for tomorrow, I have a few story lines which I have drafted. I know it's super late so I'll only ask for feed back on one - my speech. All the rest are stories so I was wondering if people could have a look at this peice just in case I end up using it.

Spoiler

The price of capital - TED talk

The blazing sun pounded against the sand as I stumbled over to the water in my bright orange flippers and ridiculous looking snorkel mask. The sea salt hung in the air and nearby the icecream stall emitted such an aroma I could practically taste it. The water was cool and refreshing.

Beneath the surface was another matter.
I saw the coulourful fish that danced between the corals with such an elegant grace to which I could only aspire. The sea floor blossomed with every colour known to man. I watched anemones sway their small fleshy tentacles with the rhythm of the soft current. There were cras that scuttled to and fro, and starfish relaxing on the rocks. I saw the diversity in size, shape and colour among every organism as the reef bustled with life.

Or at least, that's what I came to see. That's what I had envisioned all my life.

Instead, the reality provided me with incredible dissapointments. The colours leaked from the watery landscape, the creatures dissapeared one by one from the vision I had created and left me facing the brutal reality. I was faced with a scattering of skeletons. Bleached corals lay haphazardly across the sand. A few fish swam by, but other than that, it was barren.

These are the very real consequences of our selfish, capitalist natures. Our environment is the price of progress.

The earth is getting warmer. We know that. The seas are getting warmer and more acidic. We know that. Yet why do we continue to pollute to the excessive levels that we do, full well knowing this is the price?

The temprature of our oceans has caused yet another mass coral bleaching event, and yet we continue to sit on the sidelines. These corals, they are the backbone of the reef. When it gets too warm they expel the algae with which they have a symbiotic relationship. They starve. They die. It is possible for them to be resilient, and to bounce back, but with each coral bleaching event it only gets harder.    In 2016 over 99% of the Great Barrier Reef was bleached, and whilst some of it has recovered, there are no garuntees this will be the case next time. Without these corals, we lose all the fish, the crabs, the turtles. We lose all the life that populates the space. We lose the magical world which it creates. We lose the tourists that are drawn in by the hypnotic power of its beauty. We lose a flow of capital needed to continue to protect the area.

And for what? More money? We continue to pollute for the production of wealth and the government encourages it! They push the idea of "clean coal" rather than switch to renewables simply because it's cheaper?

Cheaper in the short term maybe, but in the long run, we will face disaster out consequences.

Just think. With the higher tempratures and more unpredictable weather, we are not only putting the Great Barrier Reef at risk, it's beauty, its diversity, the tourism, the resources, and the enjoyment of experiencing such a surreal ecosystem, we also put much of Australia at risk. Bush fires are becoming more frequent and more intense. Our food security would be threatened by intensified droughts and floods. Forget about our increasing popularity in the viticulture industry, as how can we continue to produce the great quality and quantity of wine we do today, if the climate is against our favour?

In the long term, our economy will suffer. We, will suffer.

This is the price of short term capital gain. A long term struggle with the mistakes of our past.

Has it even occurred to the government, a collection of people who mostly will not have to live with the consequences of their actions, that without looking after our environment there is no money to be made. Without our environment there is no life. Including us.

We are not invincible. We are ultimately the play things of nature. And if we mess with her just a little bit too much, I'm scared for what her anger will unleash.

This is the price of capital. Do our short term gains really outweigh the long term costs?

Thanks to anyone who has a read and gets back to me 

[Lollzza]

Woahhh this is really good! It captivates My only picky piece of feedback would be I think the first couple of sentences and the last line.

My teacher says as a rule of thumb if you can't mic drop at the end of your speech the ending needs to be rewritten. And I think the last sentence is that bit too awkward on my tongue for a full mic drop, y'know? Maybe use a metaphor? Like,

"This is the price of capital. Are we ready to dive off our last fiscal cliff?"

And I think for the beginning the only part I think sounds really unrealistic is "...and nearby the icecream stall emitted such an aroma I could practically taste it." I personally wouldn't use language like this in a speech to the general public because it seems that bit too sophisticated that it makes you sound snobbish, if you know what I'm saying. If you're talking stats, it's generally more acceptable but for describing a day at the beach, people tend to not take you seriously. In the next paragraph it's okay to me personally because you are making a point of nature's beauty.

Maybe more relatable language? So, maybe to give your character an Australian voice,

"...and nearby I hear children begging their parents for mint chocolate chip double scoops because vanilla is boring. Personally, I was a little offended by that stinger--vanilla is clearly the superior flavour. The water was cool and the perfect remedy for Bondi's weekly heatwave."

Feel free to say that isn't what you are going for / for people to say my advice is crap don't listen to it ahah.

Best of luck for your exams!

[paigek3]

My goodness another incredibly original piece, particularly in its form!!

You have done an awesome job at the formation of sentences in this, they all sound quite pretty which is a very good thing

Completely understand that the form is in fact a speech, though still avoid having this come across as a rant so markers know you aren't doing this to point the flaws of the government, but instead to show the impact of discovery.

Speaking of discovery, you have managed to effectively portray the discovery made at the beginning, however it seems to fade a tiny bit towards the end to me - although that could be me being pedantic! An easy fix imo is to include within this paragraph "The temprature of our oceans has caused yet another mass coral bleaching event, and yet we continue to sit on the sidelines. These corals, they are the backbone of the reef. When it gets too warm they expel the algae with which they have a symbiotic relationship. They starve. They die. It is possible for them to be resilient, and to bounce back, but with each coral bleaching event it only gets harder. In 2016 over 99% of the Great Barrier Reef was bleached, and whilst some of it has recovered, there are no garuntees this will be the case next time. Without these corals, we lose all the fish, the crabs, the turtles. We lose all the life that populates the space. We lose the magical world which it creates. We lose the tourists that are drawn in by the hypnotic power of its beauty. We lose a flow of capital needed to continue to protect the area." a question that addresses the audience to explicitly show the marker you are wanting the audience to now make their own discovery from your own

Again, like I told fantasticbeasts, make sure you spend some time tonight figuring out how you will adapt this creative to different aspects of the rubric, or in your case, which creative you will use for each part

Good luck with everything!

[fantasticbeasts3]

by no means am i good at english, so take what i'm about to say with a grain of salt. really loved this though!

- i don't know if you noticed, but there's a couple of typos. i'll put the words here: disappointed, colourful, disappeared, guarantees. i think when you handwrite you'll realise they're wrong, but yea. no biggie about those
- "The sea salt hung in the air and nearby the ice cream stall emitted such an aroma I could practically taste it." i don't know about this line... but maybe take out the word practically? it's kinda like saying "like, literally, it was amazing" you get me?

really really loved this though! i was hooked from the beginning, and props to you for writing a speech!

best of luck for your hsc,
fantasticbeasts

[Potatohater]

Thank you to the three of you! This feedback was really the confidence boost I needed whilst also giving me ideas on pushing it closer to the dream 15/15 

My teacher says as a rule of thumb if you can't mic drop at the end of your speech the ending needs to be rewritten. And I think the last sentence is that bit too awkward on my tongue for a full mic drop, y'know? Maybe use a metaphor? Like,

"This is the price of capital. Are we ready to dive off our last fiscal cliff?"

And I think for the beginning the only part I think sounds really unrealistic is "...and nearby the icecream stall emitted such an aroma I could practically taste it." I personally wouldn't use language like this in a speech to the general public because it seems that bit too sophisticated that it makes you sound snobbish, if you know what I'm saying. If you're talking stats, it's generally more acceptable but for describing a day at the beach, people tend to not take you seriously. In the next paragraph it's okay to me personally because you are making a point of nature's beauty.

Maybe more relatable language? So, maybe to give your character an Australian voice,

"...and nearby I hear children begging their parents for mint chocolate chip double scoops because vanilla is boring. Personally, I was a little offended by that stinger--vanilla is clearly the superior flavour. The water was cool and the perfect remedy for Bondi's weekly heatwave."

Ahh yes I see what you mean about the end. I did look at it and think "I need something more powerful, but what?" So I shall definatley have a think about that. As for the ice cream thing, I find your suggestion quite funny and will definatley contemplate that too in the last few hours before D-Day.

Completely understand that the form is in fact a speech, though still avoid having this come across as a rant so markers know you aren't doing this to point the flaws of the government, but instead to show the impact of discovery.

Speaking of discovery, you have managed to effectively portray the discovery made at the beginning, however it seems to fade a tiny bit towards the end to me - although that could be me being pedantic!

Again, like I told fantasticbeasts, make sure you spend some time tonight figuring out how you will adapt this creative to different aspects of the rubric, or in your case, which creative you will use for each part

Good luck with everything!

I totally see what you mean about it becoming rant like and shall definitely work on that, as for the discovery comment, I don't think you're being pedantic at all! It's a very legitament point so thanks for pointing it out.
As for the rubric thing, that's a good idea. Defiantly some thing to contemplate to make sure there are no holes for them to catch me out with, and if there are looks like I'll have to do some serious on the fly adaptation.

- i don't know if you noticed, but there's a couple of typos. i'll put the words here: disappointed, colourful, disappeared, guarantees. i think when you handwrite you'll realise they're wrong, but yea. no biggie about those
- "The sea salt hung in the air and nearby the ice cream stall emitted such an aroma I could practically taste it." i don't know about this line... but maybe take out the word practically? it's kinda like saying "like, literally, it was amazing" you get me?

Oh yes spelling. My second biggest enemy beside essays. I reckon colourful was a typo but the others are probably my fault.
It seems you're not the only one to think this line is a bit wierd so I should definatley play with it if I get the chance.

Thanks again, you lot are awesome!