I have always pondered over the idea of starting a journal. Many times I would begin writing a sentence then hastily shy away from any further introspection. I find it awfully confronting to delineate my own doings in as concrete a literary form as writing. Oh well, I am in quite a volatile situation right now, so going back on AN at this time is what I self-purport to provide a metaphorical railing for me to hold onto, among other things.
Albeit being amongst a first-worldly tough time (lol), I do reflect back upon two-thousand and eighteen. What a year that was. I mean, I came out with high expectations, only to be left with something I was unhappy with. From this experience, I truly see the importance of hard work, ethic, grit – whatever epithet you choose to assign it. Throughout school I never really tried. I would always just cram or not study at all and see where it took me. I must, however, concede to the boring essence of school – at least for the most part, so I want entirely leave myself to blame. I did this over VCE and am left regretful, resentful and livid toward my past self. I loathe more than a few things about my demeanour throughout school. To be forthright, I don’t feel like I deserve the things that my parents do for me. Atop this, I hate being congratulated. It really strikes me in a soft spot. Part of the reason I look ahead to university, is that all of this can be left behind, allowing me to better myself (I also love reading uni textbooks lol – this is really what I filled my year 12 experience with, mostly getting ahead for uni… so that is another reason).
So, Jan 9th 2019. As of recently I have left the comfort of my own home. I now live in Melbourne City. Given that I once lived in a place that I’d define as fairly rural (it is technically a metropolitan area, though not close too Melbourne City), this has been a substantial shift. Heck – every time I ruminate over my current situation I have panic attacks. To be honest, when writing this now, I apprehend the busy world outside my apartment. I used to live amongst the chirping of birds, the rustle of leaves and the tranquillity and safety of a family home. It pains me to not see my parents. From a very young age I would have a habit of getting homesick. Anyways, I just tell myself that I am old enough now to confront my own issues without the clairvoyance of my parents.
University starts in over a month… I thoroughly look forward to that. Well, that is probably enough for today. I hope that shares a bit about myself. Thanks for taking the time to peruse my journal.