CREATIVE WRITING - POEM

[janedoe1709]

Hey! Can I get some feedback on this please? (a hoopoe is a species of bird btw)

Human Experience: Joy/Serenity

To Fly a Hoopoe

It’s a strange experience,
You wouldn’t believe,
To ride a hoopoe,
The sights I’ve seen!

Cast away my grief,
Exile my sorrow –
“Goodbye!’ I chuckle,
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I throw on a saddle
And hop right on,
“Giddy-up Hoopoe! –
To the land of Swans!”

We fly through emeralds,
And purple plains,
Through skies star-speckled,
And hurricanes.

We walk on Red water
Tickled by coral.
We brave the Alps,
Sniff mountain-laurel.
Oh no! It’s sunset.
I hop off the saddle.
“Fie!” Says Hoopoe
“One more channel!”

We take off again,
Fly beyond the horizon.
The sky’s painted black,
Glitter and diamond.

I close my eyes,
Relish in bliss,
Hug tightly, the Hoopoe,
And give it a big kiss.

[The Cat In The Hat]

Note I'm not doing HSC and therefore have no idea about your criteria etc.
-Be careful with spelling/grammar
-I like it as a poem
-Some parts lack clarity and leave me confused (e.g. '“Fie!” Says Hoopoe / “One more channel!”')
-You can't 'relish in bliss'. You can relish bliss but not relish in it. Wallow, maybe.
-Sounds like Dr Seuss
-I'm assuming from the part in red that you have to respond to a human experience - I would not personally say this was joy/serenity. Maybe a line about how you don't care perhaps in the 'we fly through emeralds &c.' section, about how you don't have any cares etc. I know it's addressed earlier but I think a repetition is important. But again, I don't know your marking criteria and that's just my instinct anyhow.
-Occasional jarring notes where the flow isn't there
Overall I like it