I'm not posting this for sympathy but I have been in hospital for the last week and I have been diagnosed with a lifelong, chronic condition that can eventually become debilitating and it's keeping me awake so I wanted to dump my thoughts somewhere. Feel free to skip this I just wanted to release my thoughts
I would say to anyone to always cherish your health and never take it for granted. I've had symptoms for a while which I ignored until I needed to be hospitalised, but I always had generally good physical health. All of that was taken away from me when I woke up from a diagnostic procedure and asked the doctor what's wrong
I took mine for granted and if the current treatments I'm undergoing don't work I could deteriorate (although is it possible to live relatively normally with this, the scientific literature I shouldn't have read tells me about third or more of people don't which is too high for me)
I just had a mini meltdown when the reality of the disease progression and side effects of the medications kicked in for me. I initially started crying because of the physical side effects (eg weight gain/fat redistribution, acne). I know it's ridiculous to lament my vanity but out of all the things that could happen, the risk of impaired cognitive function hit me the hardest.
This could take everything away from me but to take my ability to learn, remember and be mentally sharp will end me before anything else does. I can't help but worry about the opportunities I may miss or if I will be able to finish my education and succeed in it. I always took for granted the fact that I can learn anything & work to a high standard if needed. Will that be me anymore? If the physical changes happen I won't feel like myself but my love of learning is me. It's part of my identity & the thought of losing it is terrifying. I love being able to think quickly, to solve complex problems and to be challenged. Will that be possible for me in the future? Will I be discriminated against later on if I have to disclose my condition? Will it affect the jobs I can have?
I also feel I'm potentially mourning a life I haven't even experienced. Will some future man I haven't even met care for me if I'm this way?
Yet I know that there are conditions where devastating effects are confirmed & not just common. Knowing this, I still feel grateful for my life and I know that I am lucky
I (kinda) know how u feel
I had cancer when i was 14-16. I thought the world had ended. But the world keeps going. People keep being nice. People still care. Other people get sick. You can't change that.
But I understand how you feel. Health is something so many young people take for granted, as well as their education, their family, their friends, their appearance...and it's true, you need to cherish what you have and did have. But you need to cherish what is happening right now, because it will shape who you are and become part of your indentity.
keep strong xo