Guys, I'm so happy. I told my sister about something I figured out today. It happened when I just wouldn't stop looking at a guy who moved like a silver prince through the corridor today. He had chocolate hair and a smile that looked like an adorable squirrel, and it was weird (especially the association omfg). And I was so confused, my breathing was fucked, and I went into the bathroom, locked myself, fretted, ate my sandwich in the corner of the bathroom (it was a disability toilet room) and just kept thinking to myself 'my gosh that was so beautiful', and then quickly checked my pulse to see where all my capacity to think clearly went ("I thought you hate love at first-sight cliches peterpiper!" "true, I do. They make no fucking sense"), and everything clicked. *enter a montage of faded memories of me feeling weird things with guys
I know it's a thing to come out of the closet, but I don't think I was ever closeted in the truest sense. Maybe I was but denied everything. "But I genuinely thought I was asexual". "Maybe it was because of the way I perceived being gay was unacceptable". "Maybe I'm just an idiot". "Maybe I'm not gay - wait".
Hold up. I just have a lot of repressed memories and feelings lol but I feel it's important anyway because for most of my life I'VE NEVER UNDERSTOOD ANYTHING ABOUT HOW I FEEL. (why am I shouting?)
I'm gay and I'm so happy I got this all together (huzzah the rain has cleared and left the sky blue and sunshine has cleared the storm). My first instinct was of course to tell my internet friendies (y'all). Outside of you guys, no one else except my sister knows now. Looking back I hate how un-self-knowing I was, but I'm thrilled and a bit excited (I don't know why) and scared and content (?). I don't even know what I'm writing right now. lalalala I'm so everything and anything and and and and and and and and gay. If you must know, it feels very good to say that. Anyway it's 1am and I want to sleep, but I can't anyway because I have thoughts that are flitting across my brain which can't shut up. I know I'm tooting my horn, and I'm sorry if it comes across that way. But I can't describe anything right now. It all feels incredibly surreal - and I don't know why I'm sharing it with you if I'm going to be perfectly honest. I just feel very alive. Probably gonna regret posting this. Or maybe not. Or maybe - I'll shut up now. I could've written this better but I'm too new to these feelings of total self-embracement and purge from a possible malady of self-denial the size of almost the entirety of my lifespan.
First off, you're a marvellous storyteller, so don't worry about writing it better haha. Secondly, congra-fucking-lations on finding a part of yourself (spoilerr: it was behind the fridge). I sincerely hope you don't regret this in the morning, because we're (okay, everyone else is sleeping rn, but I certainly am) all very happy for you!
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