English Standard Essay Marking

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi this is Module C, Elective 2 'Exploring Transitions'. I have written an essay that is actually going to be a speech. Can you pretty please read this for me ASAP just checking for sophistication and the relevance of the information. Thank you so much!

Hey Hannah! Sorry for the delay in getting you feedback, has been a very hectic couple of days for Elyse and myself, I will do my best to give you some feedback by the end of tonight, thanks for your patience!!   

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi this is Module C, Elective 2 'Exploring Transitions'. I have written an essay that is actually going to be a speech. Can you pretty please read this for me ASAP just checking for sophistication and the relevance of the information. Thank you so much!

Hey Hannah! Okay, sorry again for the delay, your essay/speech is below with comments throughout! I'll less be looking at things like structure, because if this is a speech, you'll probably be relaxing that a little bit to relate to the audience a bit more. I'll focus on how well you are backing up your argument, and language too, but if this is a speech I wouldn't expect your language to be super sophisticated anyway, it can relax a tad to make it accessible 

Spoiler

Explain how the challenges of transitions can have positive and negative consequences for individuals.
In your response, discuss in detail your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing. (6-8mins)

The fluidity of human values, attitude and beliefs assists in one’s potential to overcome adversity in a manner that results in maturity and growth. Cool Thesis! A tiny touch vague in my opinion, what exactly do you mean by the 'fluidity' of human values? People endeavour resilience to various forms of challenges involving family, friendships and fear. JC Burke’s “The Story of Tom Brennan” presents the tragic accident caused by Daniel posing as the catalyst for Tom’s physical and mental transition into the world. The bildungsroman novel focusses on Tom’s coming of age and the re-formation of his identity in which he has lost since the night of the “accident”. Burke uses an array of techniques to correspond the change in values, attitudes and beliefs of Tom as he begins to transition into his new phase of life. 'Correspond' feels a little out of place there, reads a little strangely. These ideas are also reflected in the related text “Electric Storm” by Delta Goodrem as it presents the themes of pain, resilience and water symbolism throughout. Try and introduce the ORT a little earlier, perhaps mention both texts, then go through each in turn? Just a little structural qualm. The lyrics of the song portray the protagonist’s tragic story which incorporates how their mindset allowed them to overcome the pain they once held. Same goes for above, you don't totally need to go into plot details to explain the concepts coming across. However, I think it actually works well for a speech. The music supports this theory as the vocal melody reflects the emotion of the character in a manner that enables the audience to deeply understand the transition they made. Try and save this sort of more in depth info for your paragraphs, this intro is quite long. Profound life events remain as the catalyst for both texts as they are crucial in the effective transition to a mature perspective on life’s events. Nice start here overall, works well!

Relationships with the people in our world force individuals to transit from a depressed mental state into a positive place where they grow physically and mentally. Various challenges prepare individuals for change in a manner that may alter their perception of themselves and their surroundings. "The Story of Tom Brennan" displays the protagonist of Tom who represents this transition through the obstacles he faces. Awesome start. Burke explores how particular setbacks present themselves in a manner that contributes to Tom's transition. For example, in chapter 12, Kylie's revealing speech forces Tom to realise the true perspectives the people in Coghill have of the Brennan family, opposing those of Mumbilli. Again, plot details are not totally necessary in this style, the marker knows your text (and so should your audience for the speech! The contrast between 'You stupid cow!' and 'The cool autumn air tingled the hairs along my skin and the knot in my guts started to untie' exhibits the progression Tom has attained.  Burke’s application of a demeaning tone to ‘You stupid cow!’, juxtaposes the relaxed mood of the second line to express how Tom's mindset has utterly changed. Awesome! What does this show us about transitions? Tom begins to question his mother's health and becomes irritated towards her lack of motivation to live life. This is made clear in the line 'I guess I was getting impatient. Maybe that was a good sign. Maybe I was finding my ticket out of the past'. Here, Tom displays the recognition of the positive outcomes as a result of an improved attitude and outlook. Technique for that quote? Chapter 12 is a significant point in the novel by expressing Tom's resilience that allows him to explore his new sense of self. Therefore, this negative event that Kylie created opened up Tom’s mindset; hence benefitting his previous outlook on his life in Coghill. Thus, this shows us _______ about transitions. The related text “Electric Storm” presents the protagonist experiencing struggles due to past relationship traumas. Mention this earlier so I know it is coming, it feels very "out of the blue." Prime me up for it! The pathetic fallacy is a motif throughout the song lyrics that reflect the individual’s heartache and the negative place they are experiencing. Cool! Perhaps explain the fallacy as a "storm motif" for qualification. The harsh imagery of ‘Where thunder and lightning’ exhibits the forceful impact that the relationship has caused. This juxtaposes the first line of the chorus ‘I won’t give up never, never, I won’t be struck by the weather’ as the protagonist is displaying clear resilience in overcoming the tornado they have been forced to endure. Showing us what about transitions? The music at this point is climactic through the composer purposely increasing the dynamics to convey the significance of these lyrics, therefore highlighting their transition. “The Story of Tom Brennan” also explores this through Burke’s use of pathetic fallacy in the presence of seasons to represent Tom’s gradual transition throughout the novel. Tom presents a sense of resilience through his progressive attitude towards running up the mountain of ‘Ascension Hill’. This reference brings a religious aspect to the novel as it evokes the imagery of the bodily ascension of Jesus Christ into Heaven. Hills acts as a motif throughout the novel as a concrete and physical representation of Tom and his struggle to overcome the waking of the car crash. However, Tom uses the mountains as a physical task to exert control, cleanse himself of animosity and find the light just as Jesus did during his resurrection. Resilience is evident in both texts as they display how the protagonist continues to battle their way through the altered life as a result of their life changing event involving relationships. This progression is attained through one’s ability to find their way out of the blackness within their world. A slightly too plot focused paragraph, but it works really well on the whole!! Try to take your analysis a step further, yes you describe what we learn about the characters, but what does this actually teach the audience about transitions?
 
The value of one’s identity is a major concern amongst adolescents where feelings of despair, depression and futility may envelop them as consequence. Blackness is used to reflect an individual’s experience of having such a dark mindset envelop them on a daily basis. It is such, to express how one positively uses these challenges to transit into a stronger person both physically and emotionally. I'm loving your conceptual statements, superb.  “The Story of Tom Brennan” explores this concept exquisitely through Burke’s frequent references to ‘blackness’ in numerous and various forms. Mention the ORT here as well, I think it will work a little better structurally. The prologue is a significant chapter that immediately reveals the darkness that encompasses the Brennan family. Burke uses nouns such as ‘silhouettes’ and ‘pain’ to demonstrate a sombre atmosphere. What sort of nouns? This isn't a technique by itself. Instantly, the readers are confronted with the depressing nature of Tom’s life, however, the final line of the prologue ‘My name is Tom Brennan and this is my story’ reveals that the story will supposedly continue to present the transition of Tom. Nice link to the effect on the reader, cool stuff. Blackness is also reiterated in chapter 5 with the melancholy tone of ‘All I wanted to do was go back to my room, back to the darkness of the cave’. This portrays the negative state that Tom is presently in, however, as the novel advances it reveals further bright imagery to replicate the transition of Tom into a jubilant mental being. In the final chapter, this is reflected through Burke’s use of seasonal metaphor to ‘I could feel summer coming…’. Slight wording issue there I think, did a bit of a double take.  Summer represents Tom’s final phase of transition into his ‘old self’, however, he has most certainly grown physically and mentally stronger compared to the Tom back in Mumbilli. Still missing what the audience LEARNS about identity from these observations, that's the only missing link!  “Electric Storm” also exhibits this through Delta’s use of the ‘storm’ concept that instantaneously creates a cathartic reaction for the audience. Cool. The music supports this as the piano is played in a minor key, creating a solemn tone, conveying the traumatic story more effectively. Try working on the ordering of your ideas a tad. This is a good place for an example, something like "The minor key of the piano creates a solemn tone, thus supporting this reaction and effectively conveying...". You can reorder things to raise the sophistication. The accumulation of light is created by the addition of the lyric ‘firework’ to convey the brightness that now envelopes the protagonist. The vocalist’s melismatic tone on this particular expression creates emphasis on the addition of light to represent their transition into a new optimistic world. Both texts apply the motif of blackness to display the traumatic place that the protagonist was once in, producing a clear message for the audience. The author and composer purposely use this to demonstrate the contrast between the individual’s old self to their new stronger one in consequence of the challenges they faced. Fear evolves from despair where individuals use their fear in order to succeed in other areas of their lives.  A very nice paragraph indeed, still work on fleshing out the audience impact in your analysis, and perhaps expression in a couple of areas. Best way to check: Read the essay out loud, any sentence that doesn't quite sound right might be worth making a minor change or two as an experiment.

Fear confines both our ability to transition and to express our true identities; triggering irrational decisions and actions. Fear develops as a result of facing difficult situations causing vulnerability that in turn ensures maturity and growth is advanced. Tom Brennan is a clear representation of this as the fear that envelops him has positively enabled him to move forward with his life. Burke applies aquatic symbolism throughout the novel to produce a cleansing attribute in relation to the religious aspect that it exhibits. For example, ‘I turned on the tap and put my head under, drenching my face and hair, tasting water mixed with my sweat and fear’. This line displays how Tom uses it to erase the fear he is experiencing during his visit to Fin. This acts as a positive outcome through Tom’s resilient attitude towards the visits to the hospital for ‘Fin’s sake’.  Seeing Fin in such a ‘useless’ state brings Tom to a place that makes it difficult for him to accept his past as Fin is a 3D representation of the accident. This haunting of the protagonist’s past is also reflected in “Electric Storm” in the line ‘Predators waiting, circling around’. These lyrics also link to Tom saying ‘We were headed for something, and the next afternoon when Dad and I got back from footy training, we ran smack into it’. These connect through the similar concepts they explore by Tom always waiting for the predators to awaken, which is clearly evident in the line from “Electric Storm”. Burke reiterates the cleansing/healing power of water in the last scene of the novel. This part ventures how the lake symbolises renewal for Tom due to the cleansing aspect that the water provides. Chrissy is the person who allowed Tom to find his identity as a young man again. The admiration he has for her is evident in ‘shafts of sunlight flickering across her skin’, displaying how much he glistens at her presence. The final line ‘That was the morning we swam and loved each other and that was the morning Tom Brennan came back forever’ reveals the completion of Tom’s transition. It also displays the new phase of their relationship that they have passed through making love for the first time. Hence, Tom has found his old self and is now prepared for a new journey. “Electric Storm” also invigorates water symbolism throughout to portray the power of water in creating fear. For example, ‘Hurricane season just knocked us down, emotional suicides running the ground.’ These lines metaphorically reveal the control of the storm; however it truly displays how her fear that has been derived from pain has caused her deep emotional trauma. Although, the chorus line ‘Hold on when the wind’s so strong’ portrays how the protagonist has found the resilience to fight against the fear that once engulfed her. This relates back to “The Story of Tom Brennan’ as he eventually found the strength to overcome the fear that caused him mental and physical adversity. Water symbolism undoubtedly contributes to the portrayal of the protagonists’ plight and how they overcome those in order to begin their new phase into the world. As above! Very awesome paragraph, a little more development on the 'audience impact' part of the argument once again.

Challenges create various consequences that both encompass negative a positive outcomes that can affect our future. Tragic life events may force individuals to fight for the mental wellbeing and this is the time when their resilient attitude shines. “The Storm of Tom Brennan” demonstrates this concept through Burke’s successful use of relationships, blackness and fear to convey the gradual transition of Tom. Tom’s setbacks in life only push him even further forward through the strength that he builds each time an obstacle crosses his path. As such, the novel examines the progression of Tom’s journey into his new phase of life and new worlds that alter, challenge, confront and transform him both emotionally and psychologically. These ideas relate to “Electric Storm” where the composer applies them to the lyrics and music to portray the dark place the protagonist is in. Try and make sure you cover the ORT just as much as your core, the balance must be there. You did this well throughout, don't falter in the conclusion! Both the author and composer of these texts use techniques such as pathetic fallacy, juxtaposition, symbolism and motifs to effectively convey the protagonists’ transition. The evolution of these characters displays that it is possible for individuals to overcome the fears and challenges that come their way. Awesome conclusion!

This is a really, really, really cool essay/speech Hannah, you should be super happy with it!! Really clear conceptual focus, I'm incredibly impressed by your topic sentences. Lots of nice textual references with a good balance between the ORT and Core,  perhaps leaning ever so slightly towards the Core on occasion, but that's cool!

I like to give one big thing to work on, for you it will be developing your analysis to accentuate the audience impact of the texts. What do WE learn about how transitions can have positive/negative consequences? You talk about how the concept is evident in the characters, try and abstract from this plot focused approach a little and frequently reference what the audience learns, what we take away 

Beyond this, your response is great (though almost 2000 words, this would be a long speech!)  A few little structural things which might be worth looking at (but again, a speech, no big), perhaps work on expression in a few places. You could definitely be more succinct in some places, but I think it works well for a speech to be a little less intense with language. Also ensure that your topic sentences and conclusions address the question specifically, some were only implied connections 

Fantastic job Hannah, great work 

[skyla.rayner]

Hey guys,
Im just completing a practice essay for HSC Module A - Distinctive Voices, my text is One Night the Moon its not great but i would love some help!!
If you could check my STEEL structure in regards to my topic question and give some feedback would be much appreciated! (also its only meant to be 900 words, so if anything is not needed let me know) 
Thankyou!

[elysepopplewell]

Hey guys,
Im just completing a practice essay for HSC Module A - Distinctive Voices, my text is One Night the Moon its not great but i would love some help!!
If you could check my STEEL structure in regards to my topic question and give some feedback would be much appreciated! (also its only meant to be 900 words, so if anything is not needed let me know) 
Thankyou!

Hey there! I'll have a look now I haven't studied the module myself, but I'm sure I can give some helpful hints on how to approach the language and analysis!

Your original essay is in the spoiler here:

Spoiler

Distinctive voices offer a variety of perspectives on the world. Compare how this is achieved in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

One Night The Moon is an Australian musical film based in the 1930s by highly acclaimed filmmaker Rachel Perkins. The film effectively explores the different perspectives of characters, allowing viewers to connect with each character’s distinctive voice. Perspectives on the world are best conveyed through the distinctive voices as it evokes feelings of the listener.
My prescribed text One Night the Moon (ONTM) explores the distinctive outlooks of Jim, Albert and Emily through the themes of racism, trust and innocence. My related text is Beds Are Burning by Midnight Oil (written by Peter Garrett), this is a political song with unique voices, which raises the issue of Aboriginal land rights.

The film ONTM presents a dramatic narrative in a musical form and explores distinctive characteristics. Whilst examining the relationships between the aboriginals and white settlers, the themes of racism and trust are evident.
The use of dialogue creates the distinct personality of Jim, which is apparent through phrases such as; “No blacks on my land.”, representing the racism that occurred within the 1930s which highly influenced Australian society.
Jim feels extremely threatened by Albert’s connection with the land and as a result, continually discriminates against all “blacks”. A motif which is repeatedly presented by director Rachael Perkins, within the film, ONTM, and was common in a 1930’s Australian context.



One Night the Moon explores diverse perspectives and challenging concepts of what land and place might mean to an individual. Discrimination is explored through the unique perspectives of a white settler, Jim, and an Aboriginal, Albert. The duet between the “black” tracker and settler, “This Land is Mine”, articulates lyrically the clashing beliefs held by the “black” tracker and the settler in regards to their diverse views of land ownership. Jim, the settler, expresses his strong perspective of a defined, capitalist ownership over the land with the use of the metaphor, “all the way to the old fence line” and sings, demandingly and desperately using truncated sentences, continually repeating, “this land is mine”. Albert employs the use of personification through the line “this land is me/rock, water, animal, tree”, which demonstrates his connection with the land. The repetition of Jim, insisting that he can “see” all the way “to the old fence line”, his strict beliefs are evident to the audience. Jim discovers the “black” tracker and the white police officer’s perspectives, that there is a difference between seeing the land and reading the land. Jim might be able to see the length of his land ownership, but he cannot read the land for the signs of his daughter’s wanderings. Thus the various functions and types of voices are displayed through the themes of racism, trust and, authority within OMTM, whilst portraying the horrid experience of losing a daughter.

Perkin’s uses a unique perspective of a child, to linguistically express her ideas. Viewers are able to interpret an interesting voice and explore the different perspectives of a child’s point of view. Childhood innocence and trust is very much visible in Emily, as she is still young enough to believe in non-existent things, such as being able to chase the moon. Her costume helps to represent her innocence. In the film she wears a white dress whilst running towards the moon, symbolizing her purity, which is also the same colour as the moon, foreshadowing her disappearance. Additionally, Emily is unaware of the real world and the harsh racial realities of whites not accepting “blacks”. This is expressed through body language as she happily waves to Albert’s family, as she passes above them in a high horse and cart.  Jim’s family being above the “blacks” demonstrates the perceived authority of whites over blacks. Emily’s oblivious nature allows viewers to interpret the family’s relationships from the language used. Perkins encourages viewers to understand that language affects interpretation and shapes meaning by allowing them to bond with and appreciate Emily’s understanding of the world, through childish acts.

My related text, the song “Beds are Burning”, by Midnight Oil, lyrically explores the ways in which voice is created and interpreted, and the need for equality between the white people and Aboriginals. The first verse is setting the visual scene for the song, that being 1930’s Australia. In the second verse a variation of interesting views is explored through the inequality in Australia. The sentences are truncated, and to the point, such as: “The time has come”, representing that action is required instantly. “To say fair’s fair”, is to admit that the displacement of Australian aboriginals is unfair. “To pay the rent” means Australian society needs to accept the fact that Australian Aboriginals are the original owners of this land, and their rights are being disrespected. The repetition of verses is a common technique within the song. Garrett repeats verses often in this song, as he is trying to communicate different voices in a simple way to the audience. We encounter a range of views about the racial and class bias that exists in Australia, through the lyrics and language in “Beds Are Burning”, thus leading to a deeper understanding of the causes of conflict within Australian society.

Perkin’s use of distinctive characteristics allows viewers to interpret meanings shaped through distinctive voices. When comparing One Night the Moon and Beds Are Burning it is visible that both create a strong sense of setting and reflect on the landscapes and harsh realities which surround the characters, through each voice. Perkins and Garrett both depict voices whose traumatic experiences in the world, inspire sympathy and whilst their perspectives remain both distinctive and powerful.  Perkins uses several voices within the film, creating more depth in comparison to Beds Are Burning which is from one person’s perspective, however both texts continue to demonstrate an understanding of the conflicted society of 1930 Australia.

Your essay with my own comments in bold font, is here:

Spoiler

Distinctive voices offer a variety of perspectives on the world. Compare how this is achieved in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

One Night The Moon is an Australian musical film based in the 1930s produced/composed?by highly acclaimed filmmaker Rachel Perkins. The film effectively explores the different perspectives of characters, allowing viewers to connect with each character’s distinctive voice. Perspectives on the world are best conveyed through the distinctive voices as it evokes feelings of the listener. I think strengthening this introduction would be really beneficial for your essay. The reason being, you have the opportunity here to show your marker what is yet to come in a really positive light, but also, you have the opportunity to flesh out the essay question a bit more. In this circumstance, I'd open up without talking about the text. I'd make the first sentence a direct comment on the essay question. Then, one by one, I'd introduce your prescribed text and your ORT in a sentence each. To finalise, I'd do one last sentence that gives the marker a hint about what you're take on the topic is. Do you wholeheartedly agree with the essay question? Do you have a certain perspective yourself that you can explore? This is your chance to make your essay a stand out by being really unique.
My prescribed text One Night the Moon (ONTM) explores the distinctive outlooks of Jim, Albert and Emily through the themes of racism, trust and innocence. My related text is Beds Are Burning by Midnight Oil (written by Peter Garrett), this is a political song with unique voices, which raises the issue of Aboriginal land rights.

The film ONTM presents a dramatic narrative in a musical form and explores distinctive characteristics. At this point, I suggest you flesh out exactly what the perspectives in the text are (as the essay question requires) so that as you mention each part of the textual evidence below, you can link it to these perspectives to create a really strong, coherent essay.Whilst examining the relationships between the aboriginals and white settlers, the themes of racism and trust are evident.
The use of dialogue creates the distinct personality of Jim, which is apparent through phrases such as; “No blacks on my land.”, representing the racism that occurred within the 1930s which highly influenced Australian society. To throw a technique in here, you can say that he uses high modality. Jim is certain about this. Naming the technique will strengthen the analysis.
Jim feels extremely threatened by Albert’s connection with the land and as a result, continually discriminates against all “blacks”. A motif which is repeatedly presented by director Rachael Perkins, within the film, ONTM, and was common in a 1930’s Australian context. Excellent about the motif, great job!



One Night the Moon explores diverse perspectives and challenging concepts of what land and place might mean to an individual. Discrimination is explored through the unique perspectives of a white settler, Jim, and an Aboriginal, Albert. The duet between the “black” tracker and settler, “This Land is Mine”, articulates lyrically the clashing beliefs held by the “black” tracker and the settler in regards to their diverse views of land ownership. Jim, the settler, expresses his strong perspective of a defined, capitalist ownership over the land with the use of the metaphor, “all the way to the old fence line” and sings, demandingly and desperately using truncated sentences, continually repeating, “this land is mine”. Albert employs the use of personification great!!! through the line If you can avoid saying "the quote" or "the line" then you should. It just makes it flow a bit better. So, you can replace it with "personification when he says..."“this land is me/rock, water, animal, tree”, which demonstrates his connection with the land. The repetition of Jim, insisting that he can “see” all the way “to the old fence line”, his strict beliefs are evident to the audience. Jim discovers the “black” tracker and the white police officer’s perspectives, that there is a difference between seeing the land and reading the land. Jim might be able to see the length of his land ownership, but he cannot read the land for the signs of his daughter’s wanderings. Thus the various functions and types of voices are displayed through the themes of racism, trust and, authority within OMTM, whilst portraying the horrid experience of losing a daughter. You're implicitly dealing with the question here. Which is good that you are dealing with it, but to elevate your work you want to be explicitly referencing the question. It asks you for perspectives, so make sure that you open and close with that in each paragraph. You've put it in the middle, which is great! We just need to extend it more to create that flow of coherency

Perkin’s uses a unique perspective of a child, to linguistically express her ideas. Viewers are able to interpret an interesting voice and explore the different perspectives of a child’s point of view. Awesome! Great introduction of text whilst combining it with the Childhood innocence and trust is very much visible in Emily, as she is still young enough to believe in non-existent things, such as being able to chase the moon. Her costume helps to represent her innocence. In the film she wears a white dress whilst running towards the moon, symbolizing her purity, which is also the same colour as the moon, foreshadowing her disappearance. Additionally, Emily is unaware of the real world and the harsh racial realities of whites not accepting “blacks”. This is expressed through body language as she happily waves to Albert’s family, as she passes above them in a high horse and cart.  Jim’s family being above the “blacks” demonstrates the perceived authority of whites over blacks. Emily’s oblivious nature allows viewers to interpret the family’s relationships from the language used. Perkins encourages viewers to understand that language affects interpretation and shapes meaning by allowing them to bond with and appreciate Emily’s understanding of the world, through childish acts. This is definitely a really solid paragraph. It's really well written! Again, a more obvious attack on the question would strengthen it. However, this one stands alone well!

My related text, the song “Beds are Burning”, by Midnight Oil, lyrically explores the ways in which voice is created and interpreted, and the need for equality between the white people and Aboriginals. The first verse is setting the visual scene for the song, that being 1930’s Australia. In the second verse a variation of interesting views is explored through the inequality in Australia. The sentences are truncated, (yes I love a good truncated sentence!)and to the point, such as: “The time has come”, representing that action is required instantly. “To say fair’s fair”, is to admit that the displacement of Australian aboriginals is unfair. “To pay the rent” means Australian society needs to accept the fact that Australian Aboriginals are the original owners of this land, and their rights are being disrespected. The repetition of verses is a common technique within the song. Garrett repeats verses often in this song, as he is trying to communicate different voices in a simple way to the audience. We encounter a range of views about the racial and class bias that exists in Australia, through the lyrics and language in “Beds Are Burning”, thus leading to a deeper understanding of the causes of conflict within Australian society. Your analysis is really deep here, excellent work!

Perkin’s use of distinctive characteristics allows viewers to interpret meanings shaped through distinctive voices. When comparing One Night the Moon and Beds Are Burning it is visible that both create a strong sense of setting and reflect on the landscapes and harsh realities which surround the characters, through each voice. Amazing! Perkins and Garrett both depict voices whose traumatic experiences in the world, inspire sympathy and whilst their perspectives remain both distinctive and powerful.  Perkins uses several voices within the film, creating more depth in comparison to Beds Are Burning which is from one person’s perspective, however both texts continue to demonstrate an understanding of the conflicted society of 1930 Australia.

End notes:

I think your analysis is definitely there. You've got a really good understanding of the texts individually and in comparison to one another, so good! The next step is to adjust the introduction a little. Then, make sure that every single paragraph makes references to the essay question specifically in the beginning, middle and end. I can see you've used the STEEL structure. You've used it well when dealing with the text analysis. I think by using the actual key words (not synonyms much) that feature in the essay question will really tie your essay together and make it look super coherent to a marker.

If anything doesn't make sense, please let me know. If you want to edit the work and post again, you're more than welcome to do so!

[fluffchuck]

Hey guys!

For my essay, I have so far only completed the introduction (still working on the body paragraphs and conclusion).
It's a Module B essay and it's on the book All Quiet on The Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque.
Can you please mark it for me?

Thank you!! 

[amandali]

Hi my test will be on thursday so can you mark my essay on Module C  anytime before that day thanks
im a bit unsure whether the structure of my essay is fine

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey guys!

For my essay, I have so far only completed the introduction (still working on the body paragraphs and conclusion).
It's a Module B essay and it's on the book All Quiet on The Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque.
Can you please mark it for me?

Thank you!! 

Hey there! I certainly can!  without the question I can't give the best feedback, so remember to frame my suggestions in terms of the question at hand!  paragraph is below with comments throughout!

Spoiler

Individuals often conceptualise the notion of war being an audacious journey which the soldier accumulates dignity and pride. Oh cool, I like this concept, but the wording is a little messy and could be formalised a tad. Try removing the "individuals" bit, and just say, "War is often conceptualised as...". In Erich Maria Remarque’s All Quiet on the Western Front, this conception of war soon becomes contradicted as each individual solider battles for their lives in hopes that they survive this horrendous cataclysm. Nice link (watch spelling of soldier). The image of the war’s catastrophic atmosphere is amplified and detailed through the use of themes such as the brutality of war, the long for survival and the repercussion of the soldiers, allowing the reader to visualise the devastating moments of the war through the thorough use of onomatopoeia, metaphor, vivid imagery and verbal language. Maybe elaborate on 'repercussions of the soldiers', not quite sure what you mean. Also, save the specific techniques for your paragraphs and analysis, instead use broader terms like "literary techniques" or "figurative language" as appropriate.

I think this is a nice intro! I love the ideas you are presenting (the differing soldier experiences is a cool thing to discuss). I'd like to see a slightly more sophisticated approach, slight changes to wording will handle that, as well as a more conclusive sentence to sum up your Thesis paragraph. Finally, remember this is Module B, chances are you'll have to adapt this to make a judgement about how well the text represents these experiences. Remember to adapt the intro to the question!  great work!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi my test will be on thursday so can you mark my essay on Module C  anytime before that day thanks
im a bit unsure whether the structure of my essay is fine

Hey amandali! Sure thing, essay is attached with comments throughout! 

Spoiler

The process of transition challenges attitudes and beliefs. To what extent do the texts you have studied in this elective support this view? In your response, refer to your prescribed text and one other related text of your own choosing.

Transitions into a new world may be confronting as individuals may encounter challenges that arise from themselves, families or communities that they live in. Nice start! You may want to be a little more specific, what sort of challenges? It is through this process, individuals’ attitudes and beliefs are challenged which leads to a greater understanding of themselves. This notion is conveyed in the film, Billy Elliot, directed by Stephen Daldry, as it portrays a boy’s transition into the world of dance by opposing the beliefs and attitudes of his family and community towards gender stereotypes. Similarly, Tim Winton’s short story, Big World, explores the narrator’s process of maturation as he redefines the value of the restrictive nature of friendship and pursues his own aspirations. Both texts encapsulate individuals navigating their ways into a broader world which allows the renewal of their beliefs and attitudes. Very nice! I'd like to see a list of what you'll be discussing in each paragraph, and further, make your judgement about "to what extent" just a little more clear.

Transitioning from a state of stasis to dynamic growth may be daunting for individuals, but it can be rewarding as the process challenges and renews pre-existing attitudes and beliefs. Awesome! In the film, Billy Elliot, the protagonist Billy struggles to find artistic fulfilment and is trapped in a liminal state between childhood and adulthood due to the pressures of domestic responsibility and his family’s expectation that he be the sole caregiver of his grandmother. Whoa! A mouthful there, try trimming that, you don't need this level of plot detail. The bleak nature of Billy’s upbringing is conveyed through tightly framed shots which suggest that the small and cloistered Northern English home is stifling Billy’s growth and capacity of self-expression. Thus showing us ____ about transitions? Billy’s innocence and obliviousness to the world of ballet is captured in the opening scene, where a slow motion, long-shot captures Billy exuberantly jumping on his bed dressed in a yellow singlet, which intertextually conveys his resemblance to an “ugly duckling” who is yet to experience maturation. Oh that's cool. The scene is accompanied by the non-diegetic background music of Cosmic dancer by T.Rex, where the lyrics, “I danced myself right out of the womb”, foreshadows Billy’s passion for dancing as a medium for channelling his expressive tendencies. Awesome analysis happening here, but I'm missing links to the theme you are discussing, all I'm getting right now is very sophisticated retell. The lack of a nurturing, maternal figure in the predominantly male Elliot household results in an absence of warmth. This is embodied in Tony’s dialogue, which is riddled with expletives, where Billy asks Tony, “Do you ever think about death?” and is met with a terse “F*** off”. This tense atmosphere is hostile to Billy’s emotional maturation and inhibits his transition from childhood to adulthood. It is Mrs Wilkinson however, who provides a sympathetic surrogate mother for Billy and encourages him to pursue professional dancing. Mrs Wilkinson’s role as a mentor to Billy is conveyed through her stern, unsentimental tone, where she repeatedly instructs Billy to “Prepare!”. You are not linking these examples to your theme, and as a result, you are essentially recounting the text. Be careful. As a result, Billy gains confidence which enables him to artistically realise his full potential through the creative medium of dance. The montage of Billy tirelessly practising pirouettes at home reveals his sheer determination that enables him to transition from a hesitant amateur to a proud professional. The entire sequence of Billy’s transition is captured through the motif of Billy examining his reflection in the mirror, which reinforces his attempt to actively reshape his identity into a self-sustaining and self-supporting individual. Billy’s metamorphosis is captured in his statement, “I feel a change in me whole body … flying like a bird”, which is later metaphorised in Billy’s emergence as the lead “Swan” in the Royal Ballet school’s production of Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake. The low angle and freeze shot of Billy leaping into the air against brightly lit stage and slow tempo music engages viewers in his moment of optimistic triumph, as Billy debuts as a fully-fledged adult. Add a conclusion which says, "Thus, it is clear how the composer has demonstrated ______."

Transition often involves a process of overcoming socially inscribed conventions, which has the capacity to renew preconceived attitudes and beliefs. I LOVE your conceptual focus in these paragraphs, so cool. In Daldry’s film, Billy Elliot, set amidst the political volatility of the 1983 North England miner’s strike, the overwhelming expectation is that Billy follows the traditional path becoming a working class labourer. Good integration of context. Billy, however, struggles to transcend this rigid gender expectation as it collides with his artistic passion for dance. This is dramatised through the rhythmic and graphic matches between Billy and the girls dancing gracefully alongside a piano accompaniment, and the overhead shots of miners violently clashing with the police, which reinforces both a shared sense of passion but also intangible division between the practical world of mining and the aesthetic world of dancing. A good word to use here to describe this artistic choice would be "juxtaposition." Billy’s father, Jackie, embodies the values of the community as he enforces his myopic perception on gender roles onto Billy by claiming “lads do football or wrestling”, which confines Billy to dancing in secret. The long shot of Billy swinging and tapping a stick, which smoothly transitions to a non-diegetic insert of Fred Astaire’s “Top Hat”, fills the scene with a sense of wonderment that imaginatively connects Billy to a life beyond his oppressive home environment. Slipping into recount again, be careful. In this sense, dance becomes a vehicle for transitioning between worlds. Debbie, an open-minded daughter of an “unfulfilled” dance teacher, enables Billy to find the courage to transition out of the narrow-minded outlook of Northern English life, when she assures Billy that “plenty of boys do ballet”.  Billy’s determination in continuing dancing despite rigidly enforced gender expectations is captured in an eye-level shot of Billy defiantly expressing himself through dance and thereby liberating himself from the strictures of social convention. The close-up of Jackie’s shocked expression reinforces his realisation that his close-minded views have obstructed Billy from achieving his full potential. Billy’s capacity to break traditions inspires Jackie to experience his own transition, whereby Billy is able to inject colour and life into a drab and conservative working class community. As above, needs a conclusion, and you aren't actually linking your theme in the first sentence to your examples. You need to abstract a bit, get away from the plot, and focus on techniques conveying meaning.

Similarly, Winton through Big World depicts the difficulties of transitioning away from a childhood friendship that has resulted in missed opportunities, however, also its significance in challenging and renewing individual’s beliefs and attitudes towards life. Your first two topic sentences were more effective, as they didn't integrate the text straight away. In the Big World, the narrator strongly values his friendship with Biggie although it stifles his own maturation. The inclusive language of “we”, “our” and “Biggie and me” conveys the narrator’s sense of a shared identity with Biggie, where Biggie becomes an extension of the narrator’s sense of self. The active verbs in “we’re laughing and pointing and shoving …” reinforces that despite their close bond, both friends are trapped in a regressive state of playful immaturity. Following the narrator’s abandonment of his small town existence, his friendship with Biggie begins to disintegrate due to their conflicting values. This is foreshadowed in the narrator’s fatalistic tone, “In his head he’s always seen himself at the meatworks or the cannery…, he’s content, he belongs”. Again, be careful of retell, you are just telling me what happened in the text (with techniques). Winton’s intertextual allusion to Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men portrays the narrator’s friendship with Biggie as one of overdependence akin to that of “Lenny and George”. The narrator’s escalating sense of difference is demonstrates through accumulated imagery of all imagined places he wants to visit, “Skeleton Coast in Africa…a café on the Piazza San Marco..Manila. Monterey”. The narrator’s literary expansive imagination and “dreams of big world beyond” ultimately lead to him distancing himself from Biggie. The final metaphor of the “burning kite” marks the end of the narrator’s childhood and his transition away from a life shared with Biggie to one filled with possibilities and independence. You have a really nice set of techniques in this essay, just as a general comment. Really stellar. Like Billy who struggles with the monotony of a small mining town, the narrator feels overwhelmed by the emptiness of a sparsely populated rural Australia. This is emphasised through the use of repetition in “We’ve reached a world where it isn’t bloody raining all the time, where nobody knows us and nobody cares”. The narrator’s use of colloquialism in “I’m going nuts here” and “I dreamed of escaping, of pissing off north to find some blue sky” reiterates a sense of archetypal rural Australian experience whereby the narrator urgently desires to flee the familiar and discover an exotic, cosmopolitan world beyond. Again, conclusion and link to theme.

In conclusion, both texts Billy Elliot and Big World encapsulate the process of physical and emotional transition through overcoming challenges imposed by self and community and in addition explore its significance in challenging and renewing the attitudes and beliefs.Try to add a bit more 'beef' to this conclusion, it should be at least 3 sentences. Re-state your Thesis, re-link your texts to the Thesis, re-state your arguments and make your conclusion.

This is a cool essay amandali! You know your texts really really well, great job there. I think your structure works quite well, I LOVE your concepts in the first two paragraphs especially, super well defined. Try to add conclusions to every paragraph and expand on your conclusion paragraph itself, really be sure to wrap things together properly.

While the structure is nice, I think your analysis needs a bit of fine-tuning. Amazing use of techniques and examples, stellar work there, but make sure you LINK every example and technique to the theme you are exploring. Don't give us plot details, Module C is about representation and text, how ideas are represented by composers. How do the composers use technique to convey meaning about the themes you are discussing. This is what we care about, plot details don't earn marks.

This would be my main recommendation, a greater focus on linking every example to the theme  great work amandali! 

[monique.degiovanni]

Hey! so for our assessment we are only required to write two paragraphs an intro and conclusion, would be great if you could have a look at it, topic is transitions 
Thanks!

[jamonwindeyer]

Attention! The essay marking rules have now changed  Due to increasing popularity, and to make sure essay marking services remain accessible for active members of the ATAR Notes community, a new post exchange policy is in effect for all essays below this line. Every 5 ATAR Notes posts qualifies you for one essay to be marked. 50 posts qualifies you for 10 essays, etc. Details can be found at this link! Thanks! 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey! so for our assessment we are only required to write two paragraphs an intro and conclusion, would be great if you could have a look at it, topic is transitions 
Thanks!

Hey Monique!! Thanks for posting your essay, sorry for the delay, I'd love to have a read!!  the essay is attached below with comments throughout 

Spoiler

Individuals who transition into new experiences may encounter challenges but ultimately the outcome is transformative.

A journey of transition is filled with setback’s and challenges, it is only through overcoming stereotypes, a change of mindset and strong support from family that one is able to overcome these challenges and ultimately transform. Nice Thesis statement! Billy elliot is a film set in the 1980’s which reflect’s the constriction’s of a small mining town on a boy who wishes to transition into a man who is free and content with his sense of self and self expression. You could likely blend parts of this sentence into the next one and make it shorter: You don't need specific plot details (though this is already pretty short, not a big deal). The film explores the need for the support of family to those who wish to develop and the ability for those wishing to transition to overcome inherent challenges in society order to reach a renewed sense of self. The poem ‘if’ can be interpreted both satirically and non-satirically to emphasise the importance of escaping the pressures that society imposes, to allow yourself to transition into a state of content and acceptance. Through presenting a father-son relationship the poem incises the audience to reflect upon the importance of family in I think there might be something cut off the end there, but this is a nice Thesis! Not much to say, it works really well 

The struggle to satisfy all will restrict ones ability to transition into new understandings. Good start!Initially billy is deprived of the confidence and encouragement to express himself, demonstrated by the double entendre of his two reflection's trapped in the mirror. This functions as a physical phantasm of Billy's true self wishing to break away from his externally inflicted façade, but his desire to please his father renders him unable to do so. Great technique and analysis! However, try and abstract it from the plot; you don't need to explain what is happening to Billy, just exactly what the technique represents. EG - "The double entendre of the protagonists reflections functions a a physical phantasm.... Billy hunched over, slowly Walking up the hill with boxing gloves around his neck, is a physicalisation of his apathy towards boxing and towards the external pressures he feel’s from his father to box, ‘im not you’ Ensure you have proper grammar to make it easier on the reader; including speech marks at the beginning and a full stop at the end of the sentence.  This in contrast with the scene in which Billy, accompanied by non-digetic triumphant music, climbs the hill in a passionately and determined manner with ballet shoes around his neck, represent’s billy’s transition into the realisation that though allowing himself to ignore the stereotypes surrounding him, he is able to achieve a deeper understanding of the happiness and content that comes with freeing ones true self and ignoring the normalities of society. Similarly, when the poem ‘IF’ is interpreted in a satirical manner, the hyperbole of  “your’s is the earth and everything that’s in it” highlight’s that through trying to be everything, you will be unable to achieve your goals but, like Billy, through instead focusing on your passion and who you are, you are able to overcome challenges and ultimately transform into a state of euphoria. This is an effective analysis, because it goes beyond the text itself; Billy and the text is just an EXAMPLE of your greater concept. The concept works beyond the text. More of this! The final extent of Billy's transformation can be seen in the film’s final moment in which a low angle shot of billy as swan lake depicts his ultimate feeling of freedom in dance and his journey from restriction to liberty. Be sure to conclude all paragraphs appropriately.

Male Stereotypes inherent in english mining town’s during the 1980’s, and lack of support from family become the challenges in which one must overcome in order to transition into adulthood. I'd reframe this ever so slightly: And just say that transitions into adulthood come with challenges. The male stereotypes you mention are what THIS TEXT portrays as those challenges. The impacts of stereotypes are evident in Billy Elliot through the questioning: “do you think being a a ballet dancer would be better than being a man?” This statement imply’s that the two are mutually exclusive, which reflects the context of an English mining town. Technique? Because these view’s contrast with an ever increasing disregard for stereotypes in today’s society, the audience is positioned to oppose this statement from billy, because their understanding is that Billy can, in fact, be both a dancer and a man. Therefore, the audience is able to gain a deeper understanding of Billy’s struggle to overcome stereotypes through relating to this challenge on a  personal level. Excellent links to audience! However, try and reframe it as a general understanding they gain about the concept as a whole, not just the text. Ultimately, while they come to a greater understanding of the text, what is important is their enhanced understanding of the challenges of transitions. The poem IF, uses “you’ll be a man my son” as a representation of expectations enforced upon young males that can cripple their capacity to be individuals/themselves as a boy grows into a man. Technique? These stereotypes and impossible expectations attempt to define what it is to be a man and become the challenge in which one must overcome in order to transition into adulthood. It is only through defying these standard’s and establishing one’s own understanding of a man that one can transition into adulthood. This is great! But what part of the texts leads to this new understanding. The reference to fatherhood in the poem ‘if’ “my son!”,  becomes  a synecdoche of the importance of family in overcoming stereotypes and transitioning into a new understanding of a sense of self outside of stereotypes. This importance of family support coalesces with the pressure on jackie in Billy Elliot to support his son, “no child can succeed without the support of family.” the decreasing spatial relationship between Jackie and billy as Billy’s transition progresses, physically displays that Jackie’s growing support is an impetus for Billy’s progression into adulthood, without this impetus he would be left unfulfilled. Again, make sure you have a proper conclusion.

Both play’s portray male contextual stereotypes as a challenge in which one must overcome in order to transition. Slightly messy wording there, and further, try to start your conclusion with a completely conceptual statement like your Thesis did! Also, these aren't plays? although, they also acknowledge that stereotyping is not the only challenge inflicted by society that must be overcome by those who wish to transition they must also change their one mindset in order to obtiain a renewed understanding. The text’s also focus in on a father-son relationship, emphasising the importance of the support of family in transitioning. these text’s ultimate message convey’s that for one to transition it is imperative that they must overcome challenges with the support of those around them.

I love your conceptual focus in this essay, really superb, your framing of the theme of transitions is really clever!  so massive congratulations for that 

You can read my comments throughout, but my biggest piece of advice for you to improve would be quality of your analysis. In most cases, you are relying too heavily on retelling the plot from the text to explain your concepts. This is not enough, you must be showing how the composer has used technique to create meaning. This composer thing is the big issue I see with your response; you MUST be acknowledging the techniques as the choice made by a composer to communicate something to their audience. To make steps towards this, include the composers in your Thesis and Conclusion, and then start saying things like:

The composers use of TECHNIQUE, EXAMPLE/QUOTE, seeks to show the audience ___________.

This takes you OUT of the plot based approach and into a more conceptual one, which is a massive plus 

Beyond this one recommendation, again, you have excellent conceptual ideas. There are quite a few grammatical/syntax errors in your response though, might be helpful to run it through Word's safety checks again. Fix up this and your analysis and you'll be communicating those ideas extremely effectively!! 

[jamonwindeyer]

hii, i am so happy i found this site. you guys are angels for helping !!!

this is AOS essay, i need a lot of help as my discovery essay isn't as good as my modules..
questions :
is my structure okay, and also my analysis is it good too !
how can i improve my discovery concept !

Hey Tahmina!! So happy to have you around!

Thanks for meeting the post requirement, you are a legend! I'm going to mark your essay today or tonight, the one you posted in the AoS Thread yesterday to keep all of the discovery essays together, it's the same as this essay right? 

[tahmina]

yes, yes it is ! so much appreciation ! :') my teacher doesn't even  help this much   

[jamonwindeyer]

yes, yes it is ! so much appreciation ! :') my teacher doesn't even  help this much   

Perfect, stay tuned on that thread then!! I'm so happy to be of help, teachers can be busy and not able (or willing) to give detailed feedback, but we know its super important. That's why we do it, because we love seeing you improve 

[tahmina]

would you also be able to give it a mark out of 15. i know it won't be the best essay but i just need to improve ... thank you heaps !