Once the news
had broke, Mrs. Maddox wept.
The italicised part here isn't technically incorrect, to my understanding, but if I'm being really fussy, you either use "broke" or "had broken" and not "had broke." Such a small fussy thing I know, but seeing as your teacher didn't have much criticism, I'll try dig to find you stuff She wept around the presence of her brother who patted her back and her husband’s friend, Arthur, who stood near. “If you need anything, anything at all,” Arthur spoke with unease, or maybe he just spoke in an attempt that his words would fill the limitless space between them. Abby simply wept, with sudden, wild abandonment, in her own arms. Her brother hadn’t spoke since he broke the news in jumbled sentences; half revealing, half concealing. It was Arthur who had been there, pulled the emergency alarm, panicked
and sent the rescue team who did no rescuing. It was Arthur who received the three names, pictured the families, the wives, the children. Pictured Mrs. Maddox after the name Travis Maddox appeared before his eyes.
This last sentence isn't correct in form. You need a noun to specify who or what "pictured." Unlike most, Abby did not question the inevitability of her husband’s death, did not throw her arms or fall to the floor on her knees praying to God that it wasn’t true. Did not argue in denial. She simply wept until the storm had spent itself.
***
Travis eyed Abby with an aura of confidence that obliterated the space between them. Abby, drink in hand, felt compelled to the tall, dark handsome man as she let her eyes dance between him and her group of friends.
What I LOVE about this sentence is the last part. The dancing eyes, that's wonderful. What dampens the sentence for me personally is the description of "tall, dark handsome." It is because it is such a common ideal that many women have for men, in that exact description. Instead, even describing that he had long hair or short hair or something to that effect - or even something way way unique - that would make the sentence really stand out.“Ooo, he’s cute, go talk to him,” Meg paraded as she nudged Abby enough to cause her to stumble back onto her right foot, feeling lucky that the inch of shoe that actually hit
hit (accidentally typed twice the ground were enough to save her.
“Mmm, yeah he is, you’ve got to make your move at least one of the times we go out, that’s what makes it fun,” Katie obliviously pointed in his direction, holding two empty drinks in her hand.
Abby could feel the redness swell in her cheeks, “I can’t guys, I'm not like you.”
“Sure you are,” Meg replied as she pushed an unknown drink into Katie’s belly with such a force that it rode up the sides like a slippery dip, only millimetres away from crashing into Abby’s sheer, white top.
Abby
leant There is a debate amongst grammar lovers regarding the use of leant or leaned. Leaned is used 10x more than leant, but it is American English technically. However, it is used far more than leant outside of America as well. It is up to you, of course, seeing as both are correct. But I just thought I'd pop that in here against the bar as she observed how Travis beamed as if he were the centre show, with all four of his friends captivated by his performance. As he threw his hands up in a dramatic representation, they all laughed and Abby caught herself smiling.
Travis turned and the two were seemingly caught face to face, as if they had bumped into each other on the street. Abby spun, causing a sudden rush of vertigo, as she ordered another drink in an attempt to look busy.
Drinking, you’d think Abby had just finished a marathon as she depleted the contents in front of her. Turning her eyes, not her body, her image was filled with the close up of a white buttoned down t-shirt, the top button undone, exposing the slightest array of chest hair.
“Hi, I’m Travis,” he smiled, as his confidence now radiated into Abby.
“Nice to meet you, I’m Abby,” she said, causing a school-yard grin to
consume her face.
Consume...it is difficult. I see what you are saying here, but because I'm being picky because everything so far is so good, I wouldn't use this word. Just because, when I imagine an enormous smile, I imagine sparkling eyes. But, if the smile consumes the face, my imagery of the eyes is disrupted. Perhaps try another verb. Again, I stress, there isn't anything wrong with what you've written. This is a great piece so I'm being fussy to find little things to improve on.“Want to get out of here, grab a bite to eat or something?” Travis has already started to move towards the exit, clearly a man who was used to getting what he wanted.
Abby nodded and innocently began to follow.
Travis placed the tips of his fingers on Abby’s lower back in a way that made her heat up inside.
This reminds me so much of a book, Brooklyn, by Colm Toibin. Your imagery is excellent.***
Abby was young, with a fair, pure face which shone underneath the downpour of light which surrounded the room. Her husband had since flown from her in the presence of tears.
As Abby sat, unmoving, on the orange suede sofa she had once shared with Travis, her brother brought her a glass of water in an attempt to stir the stale air that the three of them existed in. Accepting the water, she did not drink it.
It was Arthur who made the first move, “You know,” he began saying as he reached for his back pocket, “I have this picture of Travis and I, when we first began working together, around the time the two of you met,” his fingers held a small picture he had retracted from his wallet as he leaned over to give it to Abby.
“I want you to have it.”
She stared at the piece of paper for a long time before announcing, “He looks happy.”
Abby counted backwards in time and concluded that this photo must have been taken 6 years ago, or 1 year before they had met. It was evident as she saw the man she fell for smiling back at her, she saw the same burning copper eyes as she had at the bar, the eyes that spoke of confidence, dedication, commitment. She thought of herself at this time, 6 years ago, she would have just finished her business degree. She placed the photo facedown and slid the photo back towards Arthur, thanking him for his kind gesture.
***
Mr and Mrs Maddox laughed as they manoeuvred their brand new orange sofa through the door of their two bedroom home.
“How good is this!” Travis exclaimed as he looked around their newly-renovated living room.
“You know..” Travis began as he creeped close to Mrs. Maddox, “you don't have to find a new job now..I’ve got it covered,” he boasted as he wrapped his arm around her waist.
Abby stepped away from his grip, “I thought we spoke about this, I want to work,” she spoke silently as she looked to the ground below her.
“But you don't have to!” Travis threw his
arms as does when he is passionate about something.
"arms as he does?"“I know I don't have to, but I want to”
Now that Travis paced around the room, Mrs. Maddox hoped he would not break anything.
“Why would you want to, you can stay here and do anything you want, I'm allowing you to.”
Travis’ face seemed to absorb the redness which had seeped out of his wife’s as he opened and closed pantry doors, in such a rush that he could not even see what was inside.
“Where is all the food in this house! You cant even manage to look after the house when you aren't working.”
Mrs Maddox swallowed back the tears that seemed to be pushing her eyeballs out of her head.
She approached him slowly, “You’re right, you’re right, I don’t need to work,” she assured him as she convinced herself, he was right. It would all work out.
“I’m going to go and do some shopping now, okay?” Mrs. Maddox cautiously asked her husband.
“Okay, thank you” he replied as his breathing came back down to a normal pace and the tips off his fingers lingered on her arm for just long enough to make her hair stand up.
Before leaving, Mrs. Maddox stared into the hollow barrel of her own eyes as they appeared in front of her, convincing herself that the person she saw before her was smiling.
***
Abby’s heart smiled despite the sympathetic looks that never left the faces of Arthur and her brother. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut
, and despite her eyelids covering her vision, she could see pictures of happiness, of freedom.
And yet she had loved him.
Often she had not.
Though no one knew, Mr. Maddox replaced Abby with Mrs. Maddox.
“So, I know there are a lot of way
s people deal with loss…I know when my Uncle died, my Aunty took up knitting as a way to…” Abby cut Arthur off before he could continue any more.
“I think I'm going to start looking for work, I can’t stay in this house all day.”
Arthur and her brother shared a surprised look.
“That sounds like a great idea, sis,” her brother rose and embraced her in a tight, reassuring hug.
“If you guys don’t mind, I would like to be alone for a bit.”
“Of course, don't mind us” Arthur said as both the men took a couple of steps to the door.
One final tear relinquished itself from her right eye as she closed the door on Arthur, closed the door on her husband. She was a widow. She smiled.